Coward me

Maeve

Here I was.

Back to the place where I have been dreading to return. A place I called home, but neither did I feel peace, nor the warmth. I look at the bright screen of my phone, displaying an address that I had to turn up at. And then I look at my other hand holding my passport and my suitcase beside me, debating if I should catch another flight and just disappear.

But that was impossible and irresponsible of me. So, I exhale a heavy breath for the untempt time and walk towards the row of cabs.

Aleks, George and Liam had all left time ago, but I chose to stay behind, to contemplate my next move after not so kindly declining a ride back. All I wanted was to be left alone, for a while longer. And I did in fact stay an hour behind just staring at the screen of my phone. Why was it that there was so much expectation out of my life?

I close my eyes the entire journey, just clearing my mind empty, mentally preparing myself for the night. But one thing was for sure, I would need much longer holiday after tonight. Oh, I just cannot wait for the fun. The drama. Oh, the sarcasm in that.

"Sorry miss, but the driveway is closed for public from here on. Looks like there's something going on inside. I'm afraid, you're going to have to walk from here." I open my eyes to the crowd right outside and automatically slide down on my seat, not wanting to be captured in their lethal lenses.

"I'm sorry but could you please take me a little further down from here." I turn my head away as he drives further away from the large group of people. A small gathering? They make me want to go crazy sometimes.

I get off the taxi in a quiet empty corner. Now what was I going to do? I wonder if I should call my mum, but I was in no hurry to meet her and I much rather prefer to delay our meeting. So, I turn around in search of the back entrance where I could just slip in without anyone noticing me. I wasn't keen on having a memory of tonight in my baggy joggers and oversized hoodie while everyone would most probably be in their fancy clothing, looking all glamorous.

I somehow make it in, but it doesn't take another second for me to get lost within the empty halls. The bright lamps the only path to guide me to my unknown destination. After a few minutes of just wondering around, I manage to bump into Henry and thank God for that. However, he immediately leads me upstairs and through the double door, and directly in front of a worried looking Mrs Cheong.

The relief on her face upon my arrival was just priceless. It was clear that she was ecstatic behind those glares, to see this daughter of hers who had been quite a rebel lately and automatically my face morphs into a tight smile, not being able to go against her when directly in front. And also, not wanting further conflict between us, I slowly slide into the room.

She exhales a breath of relief as she makes her way towards me and drags me further into the room, closer to the rails of dresses. "Thank god, you're here Mae. I would have sent everyone after you, had you been five more minutes late."

She lets go of me as she goes through the dresses. "I chose one for you, but I doubt you'll go with that one." She points at the dress on the mannequin and my instant reply was, no way.

"Mum it looks more of a wedding dress. There's no way I'm going out in that-"

"I know. I know. I can only try." She cuts me off as she continues browsing and I join her. "How about this one?"

"Nah ah, not that shade." The dress was lovely itself but was not meant for tonight. "How about this one?" I show her a simple white jumpsuit, plain on the bottom and sequenced on the top half. I could see the displeasure on her face at my choice before she even said a word.

"That's too casual. People would say that you made no effort for the celebration of your own h-"

"Okay. Next." I stop her from critiquing my choices but more so before she finishes her sentence. Although she never got to say it, I already got goosebumps. I shudder as my brain thinks of the word. "Shit."

"Pardon me?"

"Nothing." Sealing my lips shut, I smile sweetly at her and move further across the room, away from her while squeezing my eyes shut and cursing myself at the same time.

And we continue on for few more dresses. The ones she liked, I did not and the ones that I preferred, she disagreed without any hesitation. The dresses I chose were simple but elegant but hers were a little too extravagant for my degrading mood.

"We better decide on one fast. We only have an hour left before we need to be downstairs, Mae." Her hands move at the next level of speed as her eyes scans the rail. Looks like we were not going anywhere like this.

I grab her arm and turn her around, momentarily stopping her so she could relax and just listen. "Mum, how about you go down and greet the guests. I'll quickly put on something beautiful and join you. How about that?"

I quickly turn to Amy and back at my mum. "And of course, Amy, here, will help me. I'm sure she will find something perfect for me, right Amy?" When I'm answered by her awkward silence, I plead her with hopeful eyes.

"Don't worry, Mrs Cheong, I'll make sure she looks stunning tonight, I give you my word." And I give her my best smile. I have never been so happy with her or anyone. Mum slightly rubs her temple and I see her slowly giving up on her hopeless daughter.

"If it was just you, I wouldn't dare leave you." She shakes her head and turns to look at Amy. "I'll leave Mae over to you then, Amy. I'm sure you'll make her look exquisite." And with a little more directions, she finally leaves.

All the tiredness kicks in as soon as she closes the door behind her and I fall on the couch, leaving it all to Amy to do me some justice. "Come on Maeve at least sit on the dressing chair. We need to get your hair and makeup done as well. We don't have much time as it is." I let her drag my tired body across the room and let her do as she pleases.

I didn't even realise when the hour flew by with me coming in and out of consciousness. And before I knew it, I was wrapped in a shimmering dress, with a subtle shade of coral. A corset top with a thin strap and long flowy skirt. I knew that mom was going to be over the moon when she sees me but nevertheless, the dress was stunning, and I did feel beautiful in it.

I look at the mirror, admiring the girl I see in its reflection, more than satisfied with what the mirror had to display. Amy had slightly curled my long black hair but otherwise left it free. My face was lightly dabbed with foundation and the nude brown eye shadow and mascara complemented the look of my eye, plus a slight highlight and my lips tinted coral, my look was complete. Simple but more than presentable. That tiredness gone, hidden within that outer layer of glamour.

I was finally ready for the night.

"Just wait here Maeve. I'll go and let Mrs Cheong know that you are ready." I nod at her beaming face, eyes shimmering brighter than my dress, before she finally walks out the double door with everyone else, leaving me to just... wonder.

I look back at my reflection once again when my reality hits me hard. Now what? But no matter what one thing was for sure, I was not going down that stair right in the middle of the hall. A centre of attraction. No way.

So, I pop my head out of the small crack of the door and look for a way out other than the obvious. Even though I had no idea where I was heading, I slip out of the room after gathering my breath and all my courage. I try my best not to make any sound, but the clicking of the nude stiletto against the marble floor was inevitable. So, I run faster, breaking the silence of the empty hallway.

Praying that I was left undiscovered before I get to the main hall, I turn around the corner and thankfully, see stairs at the end of the hallway, leading directly to the floor below with no one littering around. Just perfect.

When the thumping of my heart quietens, the soft tune of the orchestra greets me along with the murmurs of people mingling which gets louder, the further I move into the corridor towards the hall.

Extravagant chandeliers, elegantly dressed crowd and the ever so soft music welcomes me, a life that I had now grown accustomed to. I send a smile, a silent greeting to those I know as they raise their glass to acknowledge me. And I was thankful that none of them invited me over to chat tonight as I was already busy being wary of everyone around me, wondering if one of them might be him.

Every stranger I had my eyes on, I tried my best to stay away from their sight and hopefully my parents too. If only I had someone to watch over my back. Aleks? How could I forget this girl? Where even was she? Was she even here yet?

Just as a thought of calling her crosses my mind, I forget that I did not have anything with me right now, not even my phone. I was in such a hurry to leave that I had just left empty.

Feeling hopeless and cursing my stupid self for the millionth time, I sneak to the empty corner, further away from the crowd that was building rapidly as the night stretched and as more people joined. But where was I hiding in an open hall overwhelmed with life? Slowly people start making their way forward to greet me and in no time, I was standing in a circle of my own.

My wary eyes however scans the room in an attempt to pass the night without our encounter. And tonight, I had nothing but pity for my miserable self.

And as my luck stretches further, I see my mother with her ever so dazzling smile, holding a never-ending conversation with my so-called in-laws. But I loved them too much to say anything. They always treated me like I was their own child.

Fiddling with my hands, I debate whether to greet them tonight and when I see Aleks too join the group with a smile on her face, I finally excuse myself from my circle and make my way to them. With deep inhales, I move closer towards them, lips stretched forming a smile, ready to greet them, but eyes forever wary of everyone around me.

I was not even a meter away when a masculine back blocks both my path and my view and my feet slows, eventually coming to halt as I watch him overtake my path with his long strides.

When I glance past his back, I see the twinkles in my mother's eyes and the brightest smile on her lips. Laughter blooms through their circle and that's all my ears hear. My world comes to a complete stop however my heart skips a beat, and my lips becomes sand dry.

It was him.

The man with a broad back and an impressive height, the man who now stands less than a meter away, he was my so-called husband. And as my brain switches on the panic mode, I turn away and trace my steps back and out of the hall. All my previous thoughts now a scramble of mess as my mind becomes blank unable to process the feelings in my heart.

This was our second meeting. More like the second time I saw his back.

I had somehow forgotten the small but hard beats that my heart took as I watched his back retreat on our wedding day with just a few words of goodbye. And now that he was here, the memory of that day comes flooding back as my heart once again reminds me of those feelings it had imprinted within those few seconds.

I could never forget it. He was the second man to flutter this iron heart of mine.

I stumble my way out of the corridor, away from the crowd and back to the place I first entered the premises. At this point, I was starting to get dizzy, only inhaling short breath as I fleet.

Unknowingly in my attempt to glide down the stairs like Cinderella, I miss my footing and instead of losing a glass slipper, or in my case a shiny one, I fall straight on the hard flooring and end up losing- looks like my mobility.

And as a sharp pain shoots from my left ankle, I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip hard to stop the building cuss words from sprouting out. Somehow, I manage to drag my body back on the step through the constant pain. But my glassy eyes fail to contain itself as my cheeks now lines with the overflowing puddle from my eyes.

Parting the skirt from the split at the side, I examine my now swollen ankle. And I sit helpless, unable to move, to call for help. I sit with tears freely cascading down my face. Shamelessly.

Perfect. Just perfect.

"It hurts." I sob silently, at the pain, at this pathetic life of mine, at the coward me-

"Are you okay?"