Never Again

Maeve

The first thing I feel as soon as I'm awake is the pounding of my head. It hurts like hell.

Then I smell this scent on the mattress, something unfamiliar yet seemingly so good. And my pillow feels a little different, but nevertheless the comfiest it has ever felt. Hard but undoubtably the softest at the same time. And with my eyes still shut tight and with me still somewhere in-between my dreamland and reality, I snuggle further, deeper into the pillow, burying my face whole.

Ah it never smelled so good.

Then I feel a subtle decline in my pillow as it moves underneath me.

Furrowing my brows, I bring my hand to feel the hard pillow. And as the sleep slowly starts to leave my heavy eyelids and the fuzziness in my head somehow clears a little, I'm very much aware of my surrounding.

Rubbing my eyes hard with one hand, I push myself up and when I finally do open my eyes, I see the unfamiliar bedroom I was in. Painted in white, the room was spacious with just a few furniture around. Then my eyes finally travels down to the black silk fabric covering my body and apparently someone else's too.

Immediately looking down my body, I breath in relief when I see myself still dressed, or somehow covered in my last nights outfit. But how did I end up here? Whose room was this? Where was I?

And when I think of the faces of my so-called friends, I can't help but feel betrayed. Sold. How could they let me off with a stranger? I can never trust-

When I feel a sudden movement on the bed, I jump to the other side pulling the cover with me. With my heart racing a mile a minute, I mutter my courage and finally look at the figure lying on the bed.

My foggy eyes slowly unravels his figure, from his silky hair to his tall nose. His full lashes sit beautifully against his smooth skin. My god he was breath taking. How can someone be this dangerously handsome?

For a minute, he makes me forget about almost everything. But as his vacant eyes and his silent words as I bid him goodbye crosses my mind, I'm reminded of the fact. Of my reality.

He is not yours. Never was. And he never will be. I tell myself.

Biting my lips and clenching my fists hard, I get off the bed. How did I even end up here in the first place?

Memories of last night come in a roll of blank cassette.

No matter how much I try to rewind. All I remember is the first shot I downed, followed by dizziness. And nothing after that.

I stop after taking a few steps as the world around me starts spinning. Grumbling softly, I squeeze my eyes shut and pull my hair roughly and wait it out. It does help. Well for a moment. But I do manage to get out of the room this time.

Seems like I was back in his place.

But why would he bring me here? How did he even find me last night?

That was a mystery for me to solve later. But for now, I had to wash the alcohol off. The stench of the night was still strong. And so was his scent which was trying to cling to my soul.

***

I hear noises outside. Chatters. Laughter.

Their unusually familiar laughter's rings the silent space. And so, the curiosity leads me outside after I made sure I was presentable enough and not my previous self, reeking of the night. A puddle of mess. Just thinking of how he coped to sleep beside me on the same bed, embarrasses me.

"Ah, there you are Maeve." My mum happily calls out to me from the dining.

"Mum?" Confused by their unannounced visit, I take slow steps into her open arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Look at your manners now." She shakes her head in disapproval and slaps my arm.

"Ow." I rub my arm up and down, where she just hit me.

"So? What are you doing here?"

"Surprise." She smiles with her palms spread out. And I just give her my blank look from before.

"Well, we didn't have time to have lunch last time, so we decided to go out together today." Jasmine, Mrs Carver, comes over with a smile and I automatically copy her smile. "We were just waiting for you."

I look around me, everyone dressed to impress and suddenly feel underdressed in my long-sleeved t-shirt and jogger. And here I thought I looked decent enough. "I didn't know." I pull the sleeves of my t-shirt as if it would hide my imperfection.

"Of course, you didn't."

Mrs Carver rolls her eyes at mum but smiles sweetly at me. "It's our fault. We didn't tell you in advance. We are sorry for coming unannounced."

"No, it's okay mum. Just give me a moment, I'll go get ready." I stretch the corners of my lips further up, into a tight smile and excuse myself. Sending him one quick look, I enter my room and finally release a sigh. What was with the look he was giving me?

Anyway, this was not how I thought my life as a divorcee was going to be like. And by the looks of it, it doesn't seem like he has told them of us. And I wonder what was stopping him.

Not too eager to hang out with the lot, I randomly pick a dress from the closet and start getting ready, not looking forward to how the day unfolds. Praying that the day ends in peace and I, in one piece.

***

The ride to the restaurant was filled with silence, but not the usual silence that comforted me, that calmed my heart. No, this one only enraged me, ignited the flames higher. The entire journey, I was clenching and unclenching my fists, my gaze locked on a spot on the window. If only it could drill a hole, at least it could fill my suffocating lungs with some oxygen.

I was stuck alone with him as they all decided to travel on their own cars. Although I very much wanted to ride solo, I didn't think to push my luck when I voiced myself and was answered with my mum's glare.

Him being a gentleman, opens the door for me when we arrive and holds his hand like he always does. I mean the few times that I have been with him. And with our parents watching us, smile brimming their eyes, I comply. And like a perfect couple we were meant to be, I hold his hand.

With clenched jaws, I follow their lead, hand on his arm, blank face to mask the turbulence of emotions running inside me. Although I liked the feeling of being close to him, his presence beside me, I couldn't help but be conscious of what we were not. Of what we will never be.

Sitting in the circular table full of all my favourites, I still wouldn't lift my fork higher than to stab each piece to break them further apart. Like him and me. Their chatter not of my interest, their laughter not as contagious. I would nod my head time and again when directly pointed at and smile a little at their incredulous happiness.

But I could not pretend.

It hurt to sit here, knowing that we were not a part of this. Their happiness based on fiction. A fairy-tale. Their smiles will vanish the moment the air of us reaches their ears.

"Is the food not of your liking?" I look up from my plate when all voices dies out. All their attention now shifted to me. My dad even holds a worried look. "You haven't taken a bite of that food."

Realising that they have taken a notice to my quietness, I slowly drop the fork on the plate. Clearing my throat, I smile a little. "Sorry but I will have to leave now."

"What? Where are you going?" Mum's forehead has a deep frown upon it, but I get up sliding the chair back slowly.

"I have an appointment soon." I pretend to look at my watch. "I need to head out now or I won't make it. If only I knew earlier that we were coming out for lunch, I would have you know, postponed it. But I promise the dinners on me next time?" And with a smile and without waiting for a reply, I march towards the door.

"I'll see you all later then." I rush out the corridor and into the open lounge, sliding through the door and out into the open.

I know I was going to get an earful later, but I really had an appointment. Although it was later in the evening.

But all this was suffocating. Pretending. This façade. Him.

Breathing in a lungful of air, I get into the sleek black car as Henry pulls over. Without a word he drives off, already knowing the location that I sent him as I sat on the lunch table, thinking of a way to get out.

Just as we drive past the roundabout, I think I see his reflection in the mirror. The huffing of his breath as if he ran after me, as if he was chasing me. I can just about make his face now, but I think I see disappointment in them.

Stretching the corners of my lips, I shake my head.

Maeve, oh Maeve. Wake up already. Does one need to hit you hard in the head for you to realise that he was not yours? Was the divorce paper not enough? Was his silence not enough? He may have probably been forced by our parents to see me out.

Or maybe it wasn't even him and I was just being delusional again. Don't be deceived and don't be a fool.

And never again, Maeve. Never again give your heart to someone else. Cage that fleeting heart of yours that wants to run in his direction. Confine it. Lock it away.

And never again dare to love.