It was Dean and Cas's first official date of the new year and even though it was January and there was snow on the ground, they were outside.

They were on a bench in the corner of the park, drinking hot chocolate and huddled close to stay warm cause what else were they to do?

"Are you still mad about the whole Sam and Gabriel thing?" Cas asked. Dean had been rather feral towards Gabriel since New Year's, and while Cas partially understood the reasoning, he wished the two of them would just set it aside because he hated the idea of Dean not getting along with one of his siblings.

"Kind of," Dean admitted. He shrugged. "I know I shouldn't be, it's just...I still think Sam's kinda young for that stuff and he and Gabriel have been going fast with everything from the beginning. I don't want him to get hurt, and I don't want Gabriel to just be using him."

"He's not using Sam, I can promise you that. Gabriel's not that kind of person. And I mean, it's debatable if Sam's too young or not, but it's ultimately up to him to decide when he's ready, not you or your mom, and he thought he was ready. And yeah, he and Gabriel are taking things kinda fast, but that's what works for them. Every relationship is different and it's not like they did all of it in a week, so I think they'll be fine." He sipped at his drink. "And besides, if Gabe ever does hurt your brother, there'll be a line out the door to beat his ass."

"You're right, but I still don't like it."

"You'll get used to it."

"I guess...But I don't wanna talk about Sam and Gabriel, they're boring." Cas scoffed. "Let's talk about something more interesting."

"Like what?"

"I don't know...Pick a subject."

"Hmmm-oh!" Cas grinned. "I've got a joke."

"Shoot."

"What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?"

"What?"

"A chew chew train." Dean groaned and Cas started laughing.

"That was TERRIBLE."

"I know, I have hundreds of them." Dean shook his head.

"Alright, then tell me your favorite one." Cas thought for a second.

"What do pre-teen ducks hate?"

"What?"

"Voice quacks." Dean spat out his hot chocolate and they both burst out laughing.

"Oh my god!" Dean laughed, a stupid grin on his face. "I love you."

Cas stopped laughing. 

Cas stopped all human function.

Did he just-

DID HE JUST SAY-

hOLY FUCK-

"What did you just say?" Cas asked. Dean froze.

"Oh shit," He swore softly. "Did I say that out loud?" Cas stared at him with wide eyes.

"Yeah. You did."

"I- uh-" Dean fumbled for a response, avoiding looking at him. "You know what, just forget I said anything, we don't have to-" He started laughing nervously.

"Dean." 

Dean bit his lip, alarms going off in his brain as a mantra of 'OH SHIT I FUCKED UP, I FUCKED UP, I FUCKED UP-' started on a loop. 

He hadn't meant for the words to slip out, but they had just come easy to him. It was just...

Dean stopped. What was wrong with him saying it? It's not like he'd been lying. He did love Cas. He'd only recently come to the conclusion, but that didn't make it any less true. And even if Cas didn't feel the same, he had a right to know about it and there was no going back now. They were boyfriends, after all. Cas wouldn't laugh or make fun of him. He felt bad about springing the words on him, but there was nothing to be done about that now. He might as well just throw it all out in the open.

"I love you." Dean repeated, more firmly this time. "I didn't mean for it to just sort of slip out like that, but it did and I do and just-" Dean waved his hand, still scared to meet Cas's eyes. "So there." 

Cas didn't say anything.

Well. Out loud, anyways.

Internally his entire system was going through a breakdown. There was screaming, swearing, an entire reset of how he understood emotions and WHAT EMOTIONS DID HE FEEL AROUND DEAN AGAIN AND HOLY FUCK HE HAD GOTTEN DEAN WINCHESTER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM HOW THE HELL-

So he internally screamed and on the outside continued to stare at Dean with wide eyes and not say a damn word. Dean finally looked up at him and he frowned.

"Cas?" He asked nervously. 

OH FUCK FUCK FUCK- Cas's brain answered. SAY SOMETHING. SAY ANYTHING, CAUSE IF YOU SAY NOTHING HE'LL THINK YOU DON'T LOVE HIM BACK AND-

WAIT FUCK DO WE EVEN LOVE HIM BACK??? WHERE IS THAT EMOTION STORED? HEART? BRAIN? DICK? ANY ADVICE??

Cas blinked and opened his mouth. No sound came out, but he moved it like he was talking for awhile before his vocal cords started functioning long enough for him to spit out a single word.

"wHY?" He squeaked in the most inhumane sound he had ever made in his life. Dean rubbed the back of his neck.

"Because...because you're YOU," Dean insisted. "And you're stupidly nice and handsome and you care so much about the people in your life and you're not afraid of others judging you and you're smart and tell bad jokes and you get all clumsy around me, like my very presence makes your bones go to mush or something, I don't know, you're better at words than I am!"

Words. Right. He was totally better at those. He couldn't say any of them right now, because his brain had cut off all contact with the rest of his body and his vocal cords had flatlined and also WHAT THE FUCK WOULD HE EVEN SAY?

It would have to be in English. That was the language. Dean understood that. But also like FUCK ENGLISH BECAUSE IT'S A STUPID LANGUAGE THAT JUST RIPS OFF OTHER LANGUAGES, AND IT'S DIFFICULT TO LEARN AND I HATE IT AND LIKE WHAT THE FUCK-

He was pretty sure all language capabilities had left his body, like an out of body experience, only they'd never return, and he'd spend the rest of his days like a babbling baby, spewing nonsense because he didn't understand how to form words.

Dean fiddled with his hands and it finally occurred to Cas that this was probably the worst moment of Dean's life because he was just sitting there after an unexpected love confession and the person he loved still hadn't said anything and there is LITERALLY NOTHING MORE AWKWARD IN THE ENTIRE CHUCKDAMN WORLD THAN THAT.

Cas slapped himself.

"What-" Dean started.

"SORRY," Cas yelled, wincing at the volume. He really had no control over anything. Was he having a stroke? He didn't smell toast. "Words- I-" He blushed and buried his face in his hands. "ENGLISH IS HARD."

"Okay, well..." Dean stared at him, feeling a little bit worse for having sent him into an utter wreck. "Take your time."

Cas did. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Cas finally took a deep breath. His voice was still a bit shaky, but he got the words out and that was the important part.

"I'm pretty sure a decent portion of my brain just exploded so you'll have to forgive me," He said quietly. Dean nodded. "It's just...I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I mean obviously the thing to do is to tell you I love you back, but I've never been in love before, so I- I don't know if that's what this is, and I don't want to lie if my feelings end up being something different, I don't- I don't know what I'm feeling, all I know is that it's terrifying and wonderful and involves a lot of screaming." 

"Alright," Dean said. "That's fine. I mean, I did just kind of spring it on you, and I didn't mean to do that, so it's only right for you to be caught off guard, and of course you don't have to say it back, especially not right now if you're confused about your feelings, just...let me know when you figure them out, okay?" Cas nodded.

"I know, I will, I'm sorry-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Dean insisted. "And, if it helps..." He sighed. "At least for me, feeling in love is like this. It's very complicated, so I get why it takes people so long to realize it and why it's confusing, because being in love with you is relaxing and exhilarating all at once. It feels like home, like that sigh people do after a long day when they finally crawl into bed and feel completely at peace and completely safe. It's comforting, but it's also...thrilling. It makes me want to King Kong climb a building and scream about it from the rooftops every time I merely hold your hand. It's a whole adventure wrapped into one, and all I know is I never want it to end. It's..." He smiled. "It's wonderful and terrifying at the same time." Cas stared at him in awe.

"And you thought I was the one better at words," He whispered.

"BUT we don't have to talk about it!" Dean said quickly, his nervous laugh returning. "We can just, strike it from the record, you know? Forget I said anything, we'll move on, maybe we should go home." He jumped up from the bench. "I mean it is getting pretty cold, and your dad will kill me if I let you get hypothermia or something-"

"Dean," Cas started. This he didn't want. He didn't want Dean to just brush it off. Not something this big.

"C'mon, I'll take you home."

****

They climbed into the Impala and Cas felt terrible. He knew he must have said something wrong, but what? Everything? All of his own words had already been flung out of his head, Dean's speech about love becoming a whole new mantra in his mind.

It's relaxing and exhilarating all at once-

"I'm sorry I sprung that on you," Dean kept apologizing. "I shouldn't have done that, that conversation should've been different, and I'm sorry, so let's just strike it from the record, okay? Pretend it never happened and-" His voice broke and Cas glanced over, noticing how red Dean's face was, like he was embarrassed.

Like he thought he'd made a fool out of himself.

That was the exact opposite of what Cas wanted. He wanted Dean to be bursting with joy over the fact that he loved him, but if Cas didn't say it back, then what was the point?

And he couldn't say it back, not yet, not when he wasn't sure. 

He reached over and grabbed Dean's hand, squeezing it gently. Dean relaxed a bit, and the rest of the car ride, although silent, was no longer tense.

Cas climbed out of the car once they reached his house and Dean immediately turned his focus to fiddling with the radio. 

"Hey Dean?" Cas said. Dean looked over at him. "I don't...I don't want you to strike it from the record."

"What?" Dean whispered.

"Today. Everything you said about love. I don't want you to wipe it from the record. I...I think I like it better in." Dean stared at him, positively melting.

"Okay," He whispered. "Then we'll leave it in." Cas smiled.

"Good. Cause I thought it was beautiful."

"Okay."

"Talk more tomorrow?"

"Okay." Cas thought for a moment, then leaned back in the car and pressed a kiss to Dean's cheek.

"Bye,"

"Bye..." 

Dean continued to stare at him as he shut the car door and walked inside. 

Cas shut the door behind him, listening as the Impala's engine purred to life and faded down the street.

"Okay," He sighed. "...Now I can resume my freak out."