It was late at night. VERY late. But the doorbell wouldn't stop ringing and the Winchester boys slept like the dead, so Mary groaned and trudged downstairs to find out who the hell was standing on her doorstop at 2:30 in the morning and why the fuck it couldn't wait til a more reasonable hour.

Satan grinned wickedly at her as she opened the door.

"Hello Mary," He purred deviously. Mary rubbed at her eyes.

"Lucifer?" She asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to kidnap your firstborn." Mary stared at him and Lucifer stared right back. Then he held up a cup. "I also brought you coffee."

Mary accepted the cup and stood aside.

"Don't kill him, he's got a math test on Thursday," She muttered before wandering back into her room, coffee in hand. Lucifer danced up the stairs behind her.

"Wouldn't dream of it. You're a lovely mother, Madam, and I wish you a pleasant rest of your evening. A thousand apologies for the interruption." Mary stared at him.

"How are you Novaks so raunchy and so polite at the same time?"

"It's a gift. Go back to sleep."

"....Okay." Mary shut her door and Lucifer headed to Dean's room, shutting the door behind him.

"Awww," He whispered. "Don't he look cute when he sleeps!" 

Then he tied up Dean's hands and feet, threw a bag over his head, and carried him kicking and screaming out of the house.

****

Dean woke up tied to a folding chair in what looked like a Satanic basement.

Which was an accurate description, because he was in Satan's basement bedroom.

"What the FUCK-" Dean started.

"Hi!" He whipped his head around, only to see Lucifer, Michael, Anna, Balthazar, Gabriel, and Hannah sitting around and staring at him. Hannah waved cheerfully, like they hadn't kidnapped and restrained him.

"What. The. FUCK." Dean repeated. "Why- Where- I-"

"One at a time, buddy," Michael suggested.

"Why am I tied up?"

"So you can't escape, duh," Lucifer deadpanned. He was sharpening one of their kitchen knives as he spoke, and it did nothing to ease Dean's concerns.

"Where's Cas?"

"Sleeping," Gabriel insisted. "It is rather early. Or is it still late? Where is the cutoff?"

"Why the hell-"

"I think that's enough questions," Lucifer said. 

"You're not in much danger, so you can relax," Hannah assured him. It was not reassuring at all. "This is just tradition." Dean stared at her.

"What kind of FAMILY has a TRADITION that involves KIDNAPPING A PERSON AND TYING THEM UP IN A BASEMENT??" He shouted. The siblings paused.

"Cannibal families?" Balthazar guessed.

"Families with Satan in them," Anna said.

"Our family!" Hannah said happily. "And this is like my favorite one even though this is only the second time we've done it!"

"I...I don't even have words," Dean admitted. 

"Good, cause it's our turn," Michael explained. "You're in love with Cassie, right?"

"Yes."

"And per the rules of every batch of siblings since the beginning of time, that means WE DON'T TRUST YOU."

"Which isn't really true," Anna said. "Because you're very likeable, and we do trust you a great deal."

"BUT," Lucifer continued. "You're dating and supposedly in love with Castiel, which means that if you turn on him in any way, we'll turn on you. So tell us, Dean. Are you REALLY in love with Cas? Do you REALLY wanna risk our wrath if we find out you messed with him, you broke his heart, you were USING him? Cause this is your last chance to get out of this relationship without us drawing blood." Dean's eyes widened.

"So let me get this straight-" He started.

"None of us are, but continue," Balthazar said.

"-if for ANY reason, I happen to break up with Cas, you're going to KILL ME?"

"Well not ANY reason," Anna rolled her eyes. "Although Luci wishes." Lucifer nodded. "If you and Cas drift apart, or agree breaking up is for the best, that's fine. If Cassie messes up and you break up with him over his mistakes, that's fine too. This is really for situations where you fucked with our brother and hurt him. Cause if you hurt him, you hurt all of us, and we don't like being hurt."

Well that was....somehow slightly relieving? 

"I have no intentions of hurting Cas." Dean said seriously. "Ever. I love him."

"So you're sticking with that," Lucifer concluded. "No ulterior motives?"

"No."

"Excellent! Then we're happy for you."

"Wait what?"

Balthazar started playing music from his phone and Hannah danced around while Anna rolled her eyes.

"Consider this your initiation," Michael said. Gabriel walked over and pinned a gaudy party ribbon to Dean's shirt. It read 'HONORARY NOVAK'. 

"Congratulations," Anna said. "You're officially welcomed into our clan."

"What does that mean?" Dean asked.

"It means you no longer have to ask before coming over here- you can just barge in."

"It means everything in this house that belongs to all of us, now belongs to you too- AKA like snacks and couch space." Hannah went on.

"It means that you're apart of the family whether you like it or not," Michael added.

"It means you're on the family newsletter that Chuck writes even though we don't send Christmas cards to anyone other than Marv," Gabriel said.

"It means we trust you completely," Balthazar said. "Don't abuse it."

"It means you're one of us," Lucifer said. He cut the rope tying Dean to the chair. "Enjoy." Dean stared up at them in awe.

"Do you do this for EVERYONE you guys date?" He asked. 

"Nope," Hannah explained. "Just the really special ones. The ones with love from both parties."

"We've only done this once before," Michael went on. "We kidnapped Chloe and tied her up in the garage. She cried when we gave her the ribbon. Lucifer nearly killed all of us the next day when he found out what we did, but it was worth it so here we are."

"Well this is..." Dean shook his head. "This is quite the honor."

"It is. Come on, we'll take you home."

"Did Cas know you were doing this?"

"Nope!" Anna insisted. "But you can tell him. He'll freak out on us. That's in a lot of ways the best part."

"Nah," Lucifer said. "The best part is that we've knocked on people's doors and politely asked to kidnap their children, and everyone so far has said yes without batting an eye. We don't even say that we're gonna bring them back. We could've kept you in the basement for weeks and your mom would have been fine with it." 

"Wow. What a loving mother I have." Dean muttered.

"Hey, no parent truly cares about anything at 2:30 in the morning. If it's not sleep, they don't care."

"Truer words have never been spoken." Dean fiddled with the ribbon. "You do realize I'm gonna wear this forever, right?"

"Well that'd be tacky fashion," Balthazar insisted. "Hannah and I will make you a bracelet. Much more stylish."

"I'd like that."

"Good cause you're getting one."