Chuck doesn't date.

He just doesn't, for about a million reasons. For starters, he doesn't have the time. Secondly, he has seven children, and in his experience, all the women that are okay with him having seven kids are either creepy, or they want more.

And since Amara has threatened to personally castrate him should he ever bring another child into the world, that's a no.

It's not that Chuck hasn't tried the dating thing. He has! Him and his editor, Marv, went to a whole circuit of speed dating events during his first few years of being a single dad, and he had actually managed to find a few decent women in them. The only problem was, none of them made it past the first date.

His first date in single dad land was with a woman named Janice. She had an obnoxious laugh, but Chuck could deal with that. She had gone on and on about how brave he was for being a single father, until he mentioned that he had seven kids under ten. 

Janice had faked a phone call emergency a minute later and left.

His second date was with Candace. Candace didn't like that he was a writer and tried to convince him to get a REAL job. Candace had ten cats, and Chuck had slipped out of dating her by convincing her that all of his children were deathly allergic to cats.

His third date was a blind date after Amara had set him up on a dating app. "Jennifer" turned out to be a decent looking guy named Dave, and despite the whole catfishing thing, Chuck thought the date hadn't gone too bad, but Dave was more into the catfishing scheme than actually dating people.

And as for the rest....

Camille threw a drink in his face, Andi called him a man whore, Lenora had spent half the evening trying to convince him to give full custody of his kids to their mother so that he'd be a 'free man', Julie had offered to adopt all of his kids for the same reason, and Carl said he wasn't ready for a committed relationship.

So Chuck didn't date anymore. He had tried for a couple months to get Amara back in the dating game, but all she did was download Tinder and insist she was living her best life. And that was fine, that was Amara, and Chuck settled for being content with being single.

But then....

Then he met Nicole. 

Nicole was a few years older than him, another writer that Marv managed. She liked children, but didn't want to have her own, so she was fine with the idea of Chuck already having kids, by all accounts, Nicole was perfect.

She was normal, she liked children, she understood the writing craft, and she wasn't bad looking, although she wore too much makeup. What more did Chuck need? Amara said a mental health screening and a good credit score but Chuck waved her off. His sister thought she asked too many questions about Chuck's finances, but Chuck didn't care about that, money wasn't interesting.

He went on a first date with Nicole, and it had gone WONDERFUL. She thought the stories about his kids were funny (even the ones about Satan), and they talked about writing and Marv and future projects. He even got a second date.

Of course, though, on the day of said second date, Gabriel and Hannah decided to catch a horrible cold, and since Hannah was so little Chuck didn't want to risk leaving her with Amara. He trusted his sister, yes, but Hannah was his baby and if she was hurting, then he wasn't going ANYWHERE. And Nicole had actually understood that and had offered to reschedule. Did he mention that she was perfect?

So they went on a second date, and a third.

And a few more....

Until one day Chuck decided, hey, why not bring Nicole home and see how the kids like her? If they ended up dating for real, they'd have to get along, might as well start now. Plus, every internet source he had looked at for advice around dating when you had kids said that people would show their true selves around children. 

So he brought Nicole home.

"I'm back!" He called out as they walked inside, and immediately realized that the whole house was a mess and WHY HADN'T HE THOUGHT TO CLEAN FIRST BEFORE BRINGING HER HOME? 

Chuck raced around, gathering up the most obvious toys, rags, bottles, and the occasional article of clothing because Gabriel and Balthazar were both in a defiant phase where they frequently rejected pants.

"Sorry about the mess," He started, accidentally stepping on a toy giraffe that squeaked painfully under his foot.

"It's fine," Nicole insisted. "You weren't here to control-"

"DADDY!!!!!" Castiel's voice screamed as he ran into the room, Gabriel on his heels. 

"You're home early," Amara commented, wandering in with a frazzled look on her face and a wild Balthazar hanging off her back. "Good. You must've hear my prayers." Castiel clung to Chuck's leg as Gabriel stared up at Nicole.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"Gabriel, this is Nicole," Chuck said. "She's...a special friend of mine." Gabriel narrowed his eyes.

"Like a cooties friend?"

"Sure?" Chuck had no idea what a 'cooties friend' was, but if it made Gabriel understand better, then so be it.

"It's nice to meet you," Nicole offered. 

"You wear a lot of makeup," Gabriel said, a true child with no verbal filter.

"Well, yes, but that's cause it makes me look pretty."

"No it doesn't."

"Gabriel!" Chuck insisted, fumbling with Castiel so he could run over and shut Gabriel up before-

"Auntie Amara doesn't wear makeup and she's pretty. Luci says girls who wear too much makeup do it to hide how ugly they are, and that they're painted whores!" Amara dropped Balthazar off her and sunk into a chair.

"I want to be mad, but I'm so proud-" She started. Chuck clamped a hand over Gabriel's mouth.

"Gabe, you can't say things like that, that's rude!" He insisted. "And not true."

"Nah, it's true." Balthazar agreed, starting to laugh. "You look like a clown!"

"CLOWNS!" Cas crowed. Lucifer, Michael, and Anna tumbled into the room, and Chuck lost all control.

He's still not sure exactly what happened, all he knows is that it has to be Lucifer's fault.

Because within ten minutes of Nicole's introduction, hell descended upon the house. Lucifer had brought in his bug collection from outside and had ceremoniously dumped it down Nicole's shirt (Anna was still screaming about it as Michael started beating any escaped bugs with a fly swatter and a shoe).

Amara had retreated to the kitchen table where she sat holding Hannah and laughing her ass off, that traitorous bitch-

Nicole was wriggling around like a maniac and shrieking since there were literal bugs in her clothes, and Balthazar and Castiel were clapping and chanting "DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!" Chuck was sprinting around the house, trying to capture a cackling, evil little Lucifer so that he could at least APOLOGIZE-

And then Gabriel looked up at a frazzled Nicole, grinned a dopey little smile, and said,

"You look like my teacher when she's trying not to do this." Then he puffed out his cheeks and smushed them with his hands, letting out a long, exaggerated fart noise.

And Nicole snapped.

"That. Is. IT!" She yelled, just as Chuck reentered the room, dragging Lucifer in with him. "YOU ALL ARE THE MOST OBNOXIOUS, EVIL LITTLE MONSTERS I HAVE EVER MET, ESPECIALLY YOU!" She pointed at Gabriel, who winced in surprise. "I WAS HAVING A GREAT DAY UNTIL YOU OPENED YOUR FAT LITTLE MOUTH-"

"Nicole-" Chuck started, but she kept going.

"YOU ARE A RUDE, ANNOYING LITTLE DEMON OF A CHILD-"

"Nicole, he's only six, he doesn't-"

"HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING, THE LITTLE HELLSPAWN, AND I'M GOING TO RIP OUT ALL OF HIS HAIR." She grabbed Gabriel, and everyone started screaming.

Lucifer was dropped to the floor and Chuck ran for Nicole as Amara raced him to her. Gabriel screamed bloody murder the second Nicole grabbed at his hair and didn't stop. Michael abandoned bug smashing duty and started hitting her with a shoe while Anna launched herself onto Nicole's arm and bit her hard.

Nicole screamed, Chuck grabbed Gabriel, Michael threw the shoe in Nicole's face, Anna drew blood, and Amara, wonderful Amara, picked up Nicole, shook the children off her, and neatly tossed her out the door before slamming it shut. The screaming stopped as the whole family stared at the shut door.

"That could NOT have gone worse," Amara insisted. Lucifer held up a can of hairspray and a lighter.

"I'm gonna go light her hair on fire," He said calmly.

"NO, you're NOT." Chuck said firmly. He looked down at Gabriel. "Are you okay?"

"My hair hurts," Gabriel muttered, rubbing his head. Nicole hadn't been very successful in her hair removal attempt, but it still hurt.

"ANNIE'S HURT!" Castiel yelled, pointing at Anna, who had blood covering her chin.

"Anna oh my god," Amara started.

"It's fine," Anna insisted, wiping the red off her chin. "It's not mine."

"Oh god," Chuck sighed. He'd be lucky if Nicole didn't sue him or something.

"I didn't like her," Balthazar offered. "Bit of a temper."

"Too much makeup," Michael agreed. They all looked to Chuck, who sighed.

"She wasn't very fun anyways," He said.

"Oh well," Amara shrugged. "Maybe they'll behave better toward the next girl you bring home."

"Actually Amara, In think I'm gonna take a break from dating for awhile," He insisted.

"What? Why! You've got to put yourself out there!"

"I know, but..." He surveyed the room of crazy kids. "I've got a more important job here, and besides, these guys are a lot more fun than speed dating."

"What's speed dating?" Castiel asked. "Do you have to race people?"

"We could have a race in the backyard right now!" Michael suggested. "Loser gets eaten by Anna!"

"HEY!" Anna cried.

"YES!" Balthazar agreed. Lucifer dropped his hairspray and lighter.

"SPEED DATING IN THE BACKYARD, LAST ONE THERE'S A ROTTEN EGG!" He yelled and the kids ran for the back door.

"Should we tell them-" Amara started.

"No," Chuck shook his head. "It's funnier this way."