Chapter 40

My heart clenched as if he'd literally reached into my chest and grabbed it. It was the most beautiful and meaningful thing anyone had ever said to me. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move, not when any movement made would have been towards him.

I stared at his face, at those sharp eyes, that easy expression. I wanted to tell myself he'd said it to try and work his way in, that it was just a line and nothing more.

But I couldn't do that either.

Because it wasn't just a line. Bard meant what he said. It was in his eyes, his stance, the way his smooth, deep voice had curled around the words. It made me feel, and that terrified me.

"Bard..."

He shook his head. "You don't have to say anything. I know it's a lot for a man to say... I just... I wanted you to know." His arm circled around my shoulders, and he guided us the rest of the way back in silence.

You're my North Star, Jessie. The words kept replaying, over and over again. Each time I'd lose my breath, and the wall would crack and chip. You're my North Star, Jessie.

I analyzed it. Ran over every layer of meaning. You are never lost. Not in a physical sense. Not like being dropped in the woods. In life. Like a girl on the bad side of karma running from her own death. A girl who'd never had a real life.

A man who'd had his entire world ripped away from him. Who spent his nights in a bar drinking to forget. Who locked himself away from the world until...

You are never lost.

My eyes stung. Emotions filled my chest until I was sure I'd burst apart. They choked me, clogged my throat. The air grew heavy and thick.

Bard lead us into the cabin, and I pulled away from him. "I... I'm tired."

He studied me with an expression so soft it threatened to push me over the edge. He motioned with his hand. "Alright. C'mon and I'll show you the bedroom."

I followed behind him, my mind on repeat. You're my North Star, Jessie. You're my North Star, Jessie. My heart lurched each time.

Damn him. Damn him for being so much... more!

Bard lead the way through the living room and to a door around the corner.

I let my gaze wander as we stepped inside. A Queen sized bed sat in the center, matching an old wooden dresser to the right and a solitary nightstand to the left. A guitar sat propped in the far corner, covered in dust. Three shotguns hung on the wall to the left, a bow and arrow on the right. Patch worked quilts covered the bed, and more photos lined the walls. 

"This is my room."

I turned to look at him, then scanned the area again.

"Goodnight, Tequila. If you need me, I'll be right on the other side of this wall on the couch."

I stopped him. "The couch? You don't have another room to use?"

He paused with his back to me and gave one stiff nod. "I can't stay in it." His voice was hoarse.

The pain hit me as if it was my own.

"I'll sleep on the couch, then. It's too small for you." I tried to move around him.

Bard spun back around and blocked me. "No. It's fine. Take the bed."

My hands landed on my hips, and I narrowed my eyes. "Bard. You are too damn big for that couch. I'll be fine."

His mouth twitched. "No way am I going to take the bed, Tequila. What kind of man do you think I am?"

"An annoying one." I tried to push him out of the way.

It was like pushing a bulldozer.

Then everything happened so fast.

Bard reached one arm back and pushed the door shut, then reached forward, wrapped me up and maneuvered us until he'd successfully caged me against it. "You are so fucking stubborn." His tone was biting, but his lips kept twitching, and his eyes seemed almost lit from within.

"I'm stubborn?" I gaped at him. "You're the stubborn one!"

"Is that right?" He smiled, hitting me with the full force of it. Blinding.

My mouth clamped shut, and I stared. So beautiful. I was a stupid ass little fish all over again.

"Jessie," he murmured, voice low and smooth. The smile dulled to a soft tilt. "Take the bed."

I snapped out of my daze and glared at him. "No! I want the couch!"

His gaze roamed my face. Hairline to temple. Temple to jawline, as if committing me to memory, before it settled on my mouth and lingered.

I was lost. Why did he have to look at me like that? Why did he have to be so much... more...

I cleared my throat and took a deep shuddering breath. "You... stare too much. Remind me to never get on your bad side. I'd hate to have you giving my description to the cops."

His eyes never left my mouth. "You could never be on my bad side, Tequila."

My heart rate picked back up to a dangerous tempo. Too much more of him, and I'd end up in cardiac arrest. "Let go Bard."

"I'm not touching you."

"You're too close." I tried to wiggle my way out.

Bard laid a hand flat against the door on either side of my face, then stretched back until he had his weight against it, his face level, eyes sharp. "I disagree." He leaned forward, pressed one soft kiss to my forehead, then settled back to look at me.

Any response I had melted into a puddle of what the fuck's happening. Inside my mind, another Jessie was screaming at me. She was saying, kiss him! Grab him! What are you waiting for?

Inner Jessie was a fucking idiot.

"You're such a... fighter." His eyes blazed and his bottom lip caught between his teeth in a way that made me clench my legs together.

I took another deep breath. Swallowed hard.

"You want this just as bad as I do, but you're too stubborn to let it happen. You fight me like you fight the world." He slid one hand closer and ran a thumb across my temple. "It makes me want you more."

"It's safer this way." My hand twitched at my side. I wanted so badly to reach out. I wanted to curl myself around him and hang on for dear life. I could live there. Stay forever in this room, in his bed, wrapped in his arms, and the world would keep spinning around us until Drake and the past and every other bad thing turned to dust.

But what I wanted to do and what I needed to do were two different things. I pressed my back into the door, willing the wood to soften and gain me access to the other side.

The thumb on my cheek drifted down to my mouth and brushed across my bottom lip. Bard stared, fixated. "Let me kiss you."

I sucked in a breath as if oxygen could strengthen me.

A chorus of resounding yes's came from inner Jessie. Thankfully, the smarter version of myself answered. "No." It was hoarse, hitched, and lacked any and all conviction.

"I would never hurt you." His voice was low and smooth. "He never deserved you." His face inched towards mine.

I was losing. Dammit, I was losing! I stared at his mouth, his perfectly formed mouth, so inviting, so tempting. It drew closer, impossibly slow. Those eyes, his eyes, stayed glued to mine, keeping track of my reaction, waiting for the moment I changed my mind.

Fuck! I'd never been saintly. Did I mention I'm not a saint? A groan of pure and utter frustration ripped out of me. "Fuck you, Bard!"

I jumped him.

My lips hit his with an undiluted passion. The fire that had been building, since the first day I saw him, erupted like a volcano. It blew the earth apart and drenched it in fire, and I welcomed the burn.

Bard's chest rumbled, and he pulled me hard against him, but the control was mine. I was in charge, and my lips punished as they moved against his.

How dare you! They said as they took and pushed and demanded. How dare you make me feel this way!

Bard readily accepted all of it. Like a wild man, his fingers dug into my flesh, pulled me closer, desperate.

I sunk my nails into his back and offered him the same.

A sound more animal than man left his throat as he lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist and turned with swift purpose towards the bed.

There will be no going back...

My brain snapped back to me like a rubber band. "No!" I pushed against his chest, eyes wide and breaths heavy.

Bard leaned his head back towards the ceiling and screwed his eyes shut. His chest rose and fell just as rapidly as mine, only his was accompanied by much harsher sounds.

I wiggled and, with a groan, he relented.

He slowly lowered me onto the bed and took a stiff step back. "Progress," he rumbled, sounding more like he was speaking to himself.

His steps were quick as he all but ran from the room and shut the door firmly behind him.

I sat on the bed, breathing hard, fighting back a scream, fighting not to go after him. Every limb protested my struggle, every muscle ached with the effort. I lifted halfway up, hand stretched out towards the door, mouth parted and vocals itching to call out to him. Dammit!

I couldn't. I'd lost control, lost focus. It had been a moment of weakness on my part. I flopped back and buried my face into the pillow to muffle my cry of frustration.

Dammit.

I wanted him.

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