John's Point of View

It amazed me how Paul managed to look so stunning even in a girl like outfit. I am a woman lover, but he's different... I grabbed a hat that was almost identical to his out and slipped on a beige trench coat. I looked over myself in the mirror, and then I saw Paul walk up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me close as he rested his head on my shoulder. "Ready to go, love?" I asked him, my voice quiet.

"Yes," he whispered in reply to me and turned around to pull at the sleeves of the sweater, to hide his arms. A woman with arms like his would definitely get lots of weird looks. We set off for the store, my hand in his, with our fingers interlaced. We walked down and went un-noticed in the mix of people. It was quite nice not being bombarded by girls. They sure do know how to surge... I am extremely for this disguise right now. I love being peaceful and spending time with my man.

Paul was all too quiet even in the store. It worried me a bit. The air got more frigid as the wind picked up, but that was gradual as we walked around more. On the way back to my flat, I finally spoke up. Despite his smile, I knew something was bothering him. "Paul? You okay, hun?"

"Perfect. Takin' in the fresh air... Enjoying the city. Lads like us don't get to do this often." He smiled again; that sweet smile that was horribly contagious.

"Seems like something is bothering you though..."

Paul shook his head. "No."

"You know you can tell me anything right?" I stopped walking and tugged his hand so he'd stop too. He nervously bit his lip and took a better grip on the bag he got from the store. With the hand that wasn't holding his, I grabbed his shoulder and looked into his eyes. "Is this about your dad? If you tell me, I can help!"

"No, no John! It's uhm..." He stopped talking for a bit. "Forget to get butter... Was going to make you mashed potatoes."

"That's fine. I have butter at home. Was that it?"

"I'm a damp squib!" Paul yelled. I just sighed and rubbed my face.

"You are certainly not."

"I am! I failed mom before she died. I failed dad. Failed Jane. Now I'm going to fail you."

That came out of nowhere, and I was taken aback by it. I couldn't help but think it had something to do with whatever his dad said. I was really hating Jim at this point. "You couldn't fail me, love."

"I'm not going to be good enough, John.... Never am... We were supposed to work today. Eppy wanted us to record. We're losing progress on the album. Oh, and you have your son tonight, don't you?"

I paused and took a deep breath. "Who said you weren't good enough?"

He mumbled something about bruises and took me a moment to realize what he was talking about. My heart sunk in my chest when I remembered that night. It was about a month ago. We got into a fight about my son, Julian. I let it get out of hand. I'm uncontrollable when I get angry and I didn't mean for it to happen...

~•~

"It's just a few days, Paul. It'll be fine. Don't get yer nickers in a twist." I tried to reassure him.

"It' not the fact that we won't see each other all week. It's the fact that we just started getting serious again after our last fight. I wasn't sure I wanted back in; but now I'm back. And now you're kicking me out for a week... It's the fact that I cannot be in your son's life, even as a family friend... Just like always! He doesn't have to know. Why can't I just be another adult that likes to be around you, like Eppy, George, or Ringo? I'm just ticked off."

I let out a sigh. "It's not that I want to cut you out, Paul. I just don't want him to find out. He's not a dumb kid! And you're irresistible! He'll put 2 and 2 together."

"Maybe you should try and control yourself. Think with your brain and not your-"

"Shut up!" I yelled at him and cut him off, but he didn't stop.

"You can't touch me in public, yet you control yourself. How is it different around your son? I love you and your son, but you need to use your brain. I don't want to be pushed away like I don't matter again."

"You should use your brain before you speak to me, McCartney!" Before I knew what I was doing, my palm pretty roughly with the side of his face. I almost instantly regretted it. It wasn't my fault. The idiot should've known better than to not make me mad. Especially when my; not his; son could be here any second?

Paul put one of his hands over the side of his face, and tears brimmed in his eyes. His entire face had turned bright red. I was stupid and couldn't keep my mouth shut. "You should leave," I growled at him.

"John..." He whimpered out, but I just grabbed his wrist, maybe a little too hard. I pushed him to the door and threw him out of my house. Only a few minutes after that, an excited Julian was knocking on my door. Oh, he was so happy to see me. Paul was gone, off my property, so I did smile back at him. I only understood why he was so happy when I saw how drunk Cynthia was.

~•~

"Paul that was a mistake." I could feel my eyes burning as I watched him absentmindedly rub his wrist.

"You bruised my arm and left a handprint on my face... Can we go home? It's gonna- gonna take me a while to cook dinner. I promise I'll be gone before Julian gets here." He started walking off.

"No!" I started following him. "You are going to stay. Maybe I'll tell him just how much I love my Macca."

"Oh, you don't have to do that." He whispered and mumbled something. Something else about love.

"But I do!" I answered him and pulled him into a kiss. No one cared because he looked like a girl and I looked like a boy. I could feel him smile against my lips, and I wrapped my arms around his waist. I pulled away and intertwined our fingers again as we made our way back to my flat. My legs were sore from the walk, it had been a few miles. I told Paul to sit and rest for a bit, but he didn't listen. He insisted we keep walking, I hated how stubborn he was.

"Jules isn't going to be ere' for a long while. You don't have to start cooking right now. Or at all. We could always just go out."

"Nonsense. This is my treat. Ya know, like a repay for yesterday. I royally screwed up, well I do quite a lot... Yeah. Okay? You understand right? I keep bewildering myself, talking all this rubbish. I should just shut my face! See, now I'm distracting myself!" He laughed at himself, and I heard the drawer open. I'm guessing he got a knife to peel potatoes.

"Need help, doll?"

"Nope."

After only 15 minutes, I missed him. So I got up. He was just standing over the pot, watching the potatoes boil. He was really worrying me. I walked up behind him and hugged him, whilst pressing a gentle chaste kiss to the side of his neck. His skin was smooth, soft, and he smelled wonderful. The only downside to my action was that he jumped and almost knocked over the pot. It was like I snapped him out of a trance, and when he jumped he burned his hand. He hissed in pain and pushed me away. "Bloody hell, John." He whimpered and I felt bad. I grabbed his hand to see how bad it was. It wasn't, but still looked quite painful. I whispered a sorry to him and he responded with 'its fine,' but I knew it wasn't.

"Let's just settle down, love. You look pale and stressed. So let's go sit. Maybe you can talk to me about what's going on..."

"NO! He screamed and I jumped back some. "For the last time there is nothing to talk about!" His sudden tone change made me angry, but I held in what I was going to say. I knew he was already upset, my smart remarks about how he can't talk to me like that would make it worse.

"Let's go rest though," I pulled him to my bedroom before he could answer. I shut the door behind us and sat down on the edge. He laid down on his back. I scooted back and laid my hand on his chest, and eventually got down beside him. "I love you," I whispered to him. "I really care about you, and you can tell me what is wrong." All he did was put his hand over mine and look up at me. His big brown eyes were glossy. It really put me out that he wouldn't talk and tell me what was bothering him. But when he finally spoke up, he started singing.

"Try to see it my way... Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? While you see it your way, run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone... We can work it out..."

My heart sunk a little. "Did you write that because of me and what happened? I know we already released the song... didn't know what you meant..."

"Think of what you're saying. You can get it wrong and still you think it's alright... Think of what I'm saying... We can work it out and get it straight or say goodnight. We can work it out."

"Paul, just tell me what's wrong?"

"Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend." He sighed and ended up falling asleep. The only thing I got out of that was he doesn't want me to fight with him about something? But what? I don't know what he's thinking about because he won't open up.

There was a knock on the door, which startled me a little. Paulie had fallen asleep, once again, curled up with me. I stroked his soft hair to comfort him and make him feel at peace. I heard little footsteps running down the hall, which meant Julian was here. I didn't want Paul to wake up in a panic; so I was about to pull myself away and get up to go out into the hallway. But only so Julian wouldn't come in here... but I didn't react fast enough though. He shoved the door open and ran up, jumping on the bed. I was surprised that he wasn't taken aback by my cuddling a man. He didn't seem to mind as he wrapped his little arms around me.

"Hello Daddy!" He smiled, not realizing that when he jumped up, he kicked Paul in his neck. I pushed him away a little so Paul wouldn't get too irritated. But he still sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked all grumpy and sleepy. He was pouting like a baby and I had to look away so I wouldn't laugh.

"Hey buddy." I kissed Julian's cheek. "How are you?"

The little boy's smile quickly turned into a frown. He leaned closer to my ear to whisper something in my ear. It was something about Cynthia, but I couldn't hear over the sound of Macca whining.

"Wow... That was a nice greeting."

"It happened like 5 minutes ago, Paul. Get over it." I snapped by accident. I hated his complaining. He just wanted attention.

"Well I aught do it to you and see how you like it." He made a 'mhph' noise directed at me. I hate it when he gets smart, but once again I kept my remarks to myself.

I felt bad though, for snapping at him. "Are you okay?"

"Your son just kicked in my windpipe, I'm fine."

Julian teared up a little. "I'm sorry, sir..." My son had such a big heart. This probably crushed him. "I didn't mean to hurt you Mr. McCartney. Please forgive me..."

"Its fine, Jules. Seriously, it's okay buddy. I missed you!" Paul gave him a small smile, but it was fake. And the tone of his voice ticked me off. My little boy thought the apology was sincere and went to hug him. Paul just pet his head and got up, irritated. I didn't like how he was treating him at the moment. He wasn't allowed to act like that in front of my son. He was just jealous of my son! He wanted all of my attention too. He didn't like Julian and I didn't want him here right now.

"Paul, I don't care what we are, you do not talk to my son like that! This is why I made you leave the last time! You're a jealous attention whore!" I didn't mean to yell, but I did.

Paul got up off the bed and mumbled curses at me. "I'm not jealous, John. I love your son. Maybe you're jealous that I like him more than you right now." He whimpered and left, shutting the bedroom door behind him.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to Julian. "So, what were you saying about mummy?"

"She's been getting a lot of those fancy bottles. You know? The ones that smell bad and make my nose burn... Daddy, I don't like it when she drinks that stuff."

"Does she hurt you, Jules?"

"She scares me..."

I bit my lip and tried to calm down. "I can try to get you to live with me all the time. Maybe Paul can stay too."

I didn't know that he was right outside of the door until I heard him speak up. "I'm not staying and ruining your relationship with your son because I'm not patient." He opened the door slightly, and I could see tears falling down his face. Every time he spoke, his voice kept cracking as well. Why was he so upset? Why is he over reacting about everything?

"You wouldn't ruin it. Why are you upset, anyway? Are you pregnant or something? You're off your rocker, love." Julian laughed at my comment and I smirked down at him. Paul just got even angrier though. I could pretty much see him steaming. "Hey, it was only a joke."

"I don't care! I've been upset about everything lately! This whole thing isn't helping at all." This time he left, walking down the hall. I heard the porch door open and then slam again. I picked up my son, and walked into the living room. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him take a long drag of his cigarette. I put Julian on the couch and started off to the porch door. Paul looked tired and upset. I wanted to make another attempt to talk to him, but I didn't get very far. Julian whimpered from where he was on the couch. I turned around to look at him, and he begged me not to leave. He almost cried again, so I sat down with him.

"Is he okay" Jules frowned.

"This isn't about him."

"Okay...Would mum care if I lived with you?"

"I'm not sure. But I'll let you live here if you want."

"You wouldn't hit me for- for being a bad boy?" He looked away from me. Earlier he told me that she didn't hit him. I realized he must've been lying earlier.

"Never!"

"Would you give me my dinosaur toys back?"

"I'd let you have all the dinosaurs, buddy." I smiled and kissed his cheek. "Let's get you to bed though. Mummy dropped you off later than normal. It's almost bedtime. Go get your jammies on. I'll be in to tuck you in... Give me 5 minutes okay?"

"Okay, daddy."

Paul's Point of View

John finally came out back. He tried to hug me, but I didn't let him touch me. How could someone be so cold one minute and then suddenly cares? (Vice versa.) I stubbed out my cigarette and kept walking away from him. I was too irritated to deal with him. I wasn't made at little Julian... I'm angry at the world. I only turned around when John called my name. It was the way he said my name, in the quietest, softest voice... It reminded me of when we first became bandmates. I auditioned to be the bass player. He called my name, quiet and shyly, but invitingly. It sent shivers down my spine. It was like he had changed back into that sweet little boy that loved everyone and everything. Now, my John, he was cold. He was almost as angry at the world as I was. He only loved when and what he wanted to.

I felt like I was an object that he loved off and on. He loved me when I was helpless. He hated me when I stuck up for myself or had opinions. My father was right that he was toxic... But what can I say? I love John Winston Lennon; and I can't not love him. No matter what he does to me, I am in love with him. That feeling is really scary...

"Paul. Please come back inside."

"I want to be alone. I just..." I paused and threw my arms up. "I can't explain it."

"Then let's all just go to bed. You can sleep it off."

"Oh," There was no use in arguing with John. I already knew it wouldn't end well. "Alright." He tried to kiss me, I guess as a sorry, but I dodged him. "John stop. I am not in the mood for this." I was trying my best not to snap. I went to the door to go inside and the last person I ever wanted to see at that moment was sitting on the couch. Cynthia was there, and Julian was crying on her lap. Cynthia's eyes shot up and met mine when I opened the door. She gave me a death glare and then looked back at the boy. I looked at her, my face twisted into something of pure disgust. Julian looked terrified when Cynthia started yelling again.

"Now, why didn't you tell mommy goodbye!? Do you like daddy more!?"

"N-no mum. I just missed him. I got excited that uncle Paul was here."

I cringed slightly at the name. I had been like family to the boy, but not uncle like... More like a second father figure to him, in my opinion anyway.

"Nothing is worth not saying a goodbye." She said a bit calmer, but it still sounded like a growl. "You're bad, Julian! Bad boys get punished, understand me?" The boy shook his head. "Speak when you are spoken to. Do you understand me?" He shook his head again, and was crying. HE could barely breathe as he was crying from what I saw. Of course he couldn't answer her; he was trying to breathe!

She raised her hand as if to hit him, but I ran over and grabbed her wrist, probably harder than I should have. My fingers dug into her forearm and I held it away from Julian. She looked up at me, terrified. I motioned for the boy to get up, and he did. I still held Cynthia's arm, angrily. Julian wasn't my son, but I wasn't going to let anyone hurt him. The way Cynthia treated him was like how John treats me. It was horrible.

I heard the porch door squeak, meaning John came inside. I was proud of myself. I was about to tell him how I'd saved Julian, with a slight smirk on my face. I hoped that by helping Jules, I'd change his mind... He thinks I don't like his son, but I do. I thought he'd be happy that I helped... But then he just started yelling at me, again.

"What in the bloody hell are you doing!?" He grabbed my shoulders and roughly pulled me away from Cynthia, and shoved m to the wall. "You don't put your hands on a woman! I don't care how jealous of her you are, you do not hid a lady!"

"I-I'm not jealous John!" I whimpered. "I saved Julian... And I never hit her. But you can't hit a lady... You can't hit another man either..."

"Oh I bet! Man up!" He spat in my face and pushed me again. When he let go, I sank to the ground. My eyes went over to John's son, who was hiding by the corridor. Then I watched how Cynthia pretended to cry and hug herself. I watched my lover comfort his ex-wife before hearing my side of the story. He heard what his son said about her...So why won't he listen?

Cynthia cried and pulled John into her. "That fucking queer hit me!" I was about to speak up but got cut off again. "He's mad Johnny. Mad because you can have the loveliest girl ever and not him."

John shook his head. "I have him. But I won't if he hits you again. He broke this family apart..."

"I DID'T HIT HER! I SAVED YOUR SON. SHE WAS ABOUT TO HIT HIM! HOW DID I BREAK THIS FAMILY UP!? FROM WHAT I KNOW, YOU LEFT HER AND TRIED TO GET WITH ME. YES I LIKED YOU BEFORE THAT, BUT WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER BEFORE YOU DIVORCED HER. WE WERE NEVER A THOUGHT TILL' AFTER YOU GOT DIVORCED!"

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again, James. I'm not talking about this. And don't ever raise your voice in my house like that. I'm not sure I believe a word you're saying. You won't tell me what your problem is and it's frustrating."

"Well I'm sorry that I saved your son. Sorry I love you... Sorry that I am scared of you. Sorry that my dad doesn't think you are a good person. I'm sorry that I might believe him. You treat me like trash- You... you hit me. John, you hit me! You use me too. Am I only good enough for you to use to soothe your needs and then be thrown away? I want to go. Goodbye..." I could feel my heart breaking as I spoke the truth. The other night, everything was perfect. He loved me back too... What did I do?

We said our goodbyes, ah The Night Before

Love was in your eyes, ah The Night Before

John growled at me. "You're being difficult."

"I knew you'd get mad at me so I kept it all in. Instead of talking me through it and being supportive... You'd tell me to get over it. You're so horrible, but gosh... Why do I love you!? Why can't I stop loving you?

He stood up. "Well you've pissed me off now!" He towered over me where I had sunk to the floor. He looked down at me with clenched fists. "I've given you everything. Yet this is what you give back? I gave you all of my love and you just go and make me angry! You make me hate you!"

"What did I do that's so bad? John, you changed. Something happened with you." I knew it was just his bad temper. He was so amazing other times. Right now he was a monster. I always had to be careful. Every little thing ticked him off...

"You only give me more trouble with all the crying and whining. You're the reason I left Cynthia. Now I'm not sure I should've!"

"But I thought you loved me John? I love you, with all of my heart..."

Now today I find, you have changed your mind

Treat me like you did The Night Before

"People can change their minds, James."

I kept telling myself that it was just his temper and that he didn't mean it. Another part of me though that I could do better. John and Cyn were both abusive and a perfect couple... But poor Jules... I didn't know what to do except cry. It was a weak move, but I knew he'd kick me if I said anything else.

John's Point of View

As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted what I said. I didn't really mean it. But at the same time, my feelings for Macca were diminishing. I ended up helping him off the ground and hugging him. "I- I'm sorry... I do love you." He was shaking, not speaking or hugging me back. I guess he was in shock? Cynthia wrapped her arms around me, she was surprisingly strong for a woman. She pulled me away from Paul, and I shoved her off of me. By this time, my boy was crying, and so was Cyn. It was all a mess. When I looked back, I saw Julian staring at me. He looked at me like I was a monster.

Were you telling lies, ah The Night Before

Was I so unwise, ah The Night Before

When I held you near, you were so sincere

Treat me like you did The Night Before

I was wrong; Paul is always right. He deserves someone so much better than me. I am uncontrollable when I'm angry. Maybe I was telling a few lies to keep the peace here and there. I loved him, a lot. I love him. But as what? A brother? My best mate? Definitely not my boyfriend anymore... It honestly hasn't been that way in a few weeks. I went too far this time. I should've told him about my feelings when I first felt them. Instead I just grew irritated with the days and turned into something I shouldn't have. Paul never told me his feelings because he was scared of me and my temper. But maybe I am scared too... Scared to lose him as whatever he is in my life.

Paul was standing there, looking off into space. He blinked a few times before he spoke up. "I should go... Take care of your son and don't let him get hurt."

I could practically hear the sound of his heart beating and then breaking.

I ruined everything by lying to him.

Lying that I love him like I do.

"Please don't go, Paulie."

"I need to clear my head. I can't with so many people around."

"Then they can go. Just please don' leave..." I was begging him. I knew how he got when he was upset and didn't want him to be alone. "Talk to me love..."

"John. You. Don't. Want. Me. Any. More... I. Get. It."

"You don't get it. You won't understand...I love you."

"I don't feel loved in any way, by anyone. I'm- I've always been in love with you. You don't love me as much as I love you. I understand. I'm annoying. And I'll leave you alone with your wife and kid. No hard feelings... Just give me some alone time."

He had started walking towards the door and I grabbed his arm. "Paul! Please stop! I don't... uhm... don't want that..."

"Let me go, please..."

"I don't want you to do anything stupid. I need you, Macca."

"I need you more... Like I'd be nowhere without you. You see that right? I'm useless unless I'm by your side... But I am useless either way."

"Not true! You're amazing. Stop being a brat an acting like you're being attacked!" I was done with it. I was going to speak my mind no matter who it hurt. He needs to know that it's not all about him.

"Then what happened to you, John? Why should I not feel attacked?"

"Because! Ye always complaining and dragging me down."

"I'll try my best not to anymore." He apologized and it sounded sincere. It made me feel like utter crap. "Let me go home. Let the air clear up and in a few days we can talk it out... I don't want to scream at you. I want to talk about BOTH of us."

"Okay, Macca-"

"Don't call me that..."

"Okay Paul. I'll call you tomorrow. Promise."

He nodded and left, slamming the door behind him. Cynthia started screaming as soon as he left. Julian cried too, he was scared. It was all too much for me at one time and I broke down. I was- am the bad guy. I realize that now. I should've been better, not just to Paul... But to my ex-wife and my son.

I didn't want to distract him, so I didn't call. I knew he was driving and probably just wanted to sleep when he got home. I was going to let the dust settle and try to get ahold of him in the morning. I made Cynthia go home though, and I snuggled up with Julian. I read to Julian to calm myself down, but then I kept thinking. Why did I let it get that far..? How could I make it better? I need to make it right! Need. For Paul. And then I wouldn't lie to him. I'd stay with him till I make up my mind and let him down easy if I decide I can't like him like that. It's my fault he left; but it's partially his because he didn't fight back. He doesn't understand how much he means to me, as whatever he as. I didn't let myself cry in front of my son though. So we just went to bed right after the book.

Paul's Point of View

John Winston Lennon was- is- the love of my life. I'd do anything for him. I'd die for him, but living for him would be hell. I can't make it without him, but he can make it without me. I feel worthless in his eyes most of the time... It's my own fault. I left his house in a hurry, crying as I sped down the road. I cursed myself and had to stop because my vision was getting quite clouded from all of the tears. I slowed my car down and pulled over on the side of the road. I tried to collect myself after I stopped. I looked out into the dark sky, through the window. The sky was grey, purple occasionally. It was storming, pouring down raining. There was a loud crash from the sky and then a bolt of lightning struck down.

I couldn't stop the tears by then, and started shaking. Storms were my number 1 fear besides being left alone. This particular one brought back memories of John comforting me while the thunder was frightening me. I watched the water roll down the windshield, and jumped whenever the clouds collided. I just broke down, yelling at myself. I gripped the steering wheel and screamed. If anyone had seen me, they'd think I was mad. Insane. I was uncontrollable.

"MY GOD PAUL YOU RUINED IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT JOHN HATES YOU. YOU'RE STUPID AND SELFISH!" I was screaming at no one else but myself. My head wasn't all there. It was as if my mind was somewhere other than where my body was. My heart had taken the place of my brain; therefore the only thing in my head was broken pieces. I gripped the steering wheel tighter, and I felt like I was going to break my own fingers. It's my fault. All my fault that my love hates me. I was never worthy of love. Never good enough for him.

I couldn't catch my breath after a while of thinking. My mind was a dark place... I got too worked up to function; but that's when it hit me. I've already been the best musician that I could be. John was my everything. He was my muse. So I have nothing. I'm out of ideas as an artist... My music will probably just fade away in another year or so... The fans will have to get over it. There's nothing left of me. No love. No family. No music. So, what's it worth anymore? I'm a waste of space. All I do is hurt or disappoint everyone.

My head started pounding. I wasn't going to sit there and keep wasting air either... I started driving and talking to myself again. "The... the other day was perfect. When did it turn bad? Has it always been going downhill or was it my father? It is just my fault. There is no way it could've been John's fault. He is too perfect in my eyes." I had a whole plan set in my mind. In the morning, I'd try to make it right. I'd apologize for everything that I had done so wrong. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't forgive me. Probably... something that everyone wants me to do. Then I'd be gone for good.

I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears from coming, but they didn't. I didn't try to stop them anymore. They just poured down my face until they didn't come anymore. I could feel a panic attack coming on, so I put all of my focus on the road, and drove a bit slower. There was this big truck behind me, and the lights were extremely bright in my mirror. I couldn't really see anymore. That made me panic even more. I was terrified. The storm was getting worse and the lights seemed to get brighter and-