Sunday, July 8

Today I should be going on a picnic with Freddie but I didn't feel like it. I felt like having a long drag of a fag.

Sadly, since Brian worked in the pharmacy, he had control over selling cigarettes. And since he knows I'm expecting, he refuses to give me a box of cigs. He simply laughs and says no, which causes me to grow angry.

It sucked being pregnant. I hated it, I don't even want the damn thing inside me. It's just a constant reminder of how much of an idiot I was. I want to erase all remembrance of that night, but one of them is literally growing inside me. And if it weren't for my mother's "values", I would've taken care of this problem.

I examined myself in the wall mirror. I had obviously gained a few pounds, I didn't look as pale and dead as of few weeks ago. I looked normal. I wanted to keep it that way.

I sighed and pulled a hoodie over my head. I knew I couldn't stand Freddie up, so I got dressed and left the house. Night was soon approaching due to the sun hiding near the horizon. I walked to their home, which wasn't far, and saw Freddie packing a basket into the car.

"Deaky! You're finally here, let's go right now." Freddie exasperated as he entered the passenger's seat. He couldn't drive.

I sat in the driver's seat and drove towards the park.

"I can't believe you can't drive." I laughed. I wasn't good at it myself, but I could still get places.

"I'm too busy to learn. Plus I like riding with other people." He commented.

I snickered lightly at his words, my dirty mind instantly kicking in. Freddie nudged my elbow and laughed.

"Get your head out the gutter, you twit."

I laughed out loud and continued driving. I entered the park's designated parking lot and found a spot to park the car. Freddie and I exited the car and carried out what was needed. Freddie held a basket while I held a large blanket.

We walked up a slight hill and decided this was where we are going to stay. We placed the blanket down and sat the basket on top. We sat on opposite sides of the basket.

The sun was beginning to set, and the sky was partially lit. The sky was a beautiful mixture of colors. Purple swirled near the downing sun and orange soon followed. The strange colored sky illuminated our faces. Freddie looked more amazing than ever. He touched up his face and wore complimentary clothes. I didn't feel so confident today.

"This is romantic." Freddie joked. It certainly was. I wanted this to be a date, I really did. But who would want a pregnant man as a date?

But he didn't need to know about that.

"Yeah, it sure is." I muttered.

"What's wrong?" Freddie asked as his face twisted in concern.

"I dunno. I'm just feeling a bit down." I lied. I was extremely worried about everything possible. I could possibly be single forever. Who'd want someone who already has a child? Who would want someone who had a child so early, they'll think I'm some sort of slut! And I wouldn't be able to explain what happened because no one would believe me, no one. They'll think I'm a freak who's able to reproduce, but they would be right, it's true. I am an abomination.

And what if Freddie finds out, how would he react? Not everyone is as accepting of my condition like Brian and Roger. Veronica hated it but she didn't leave me before.

"Tell." Freddie urged on. "It's about a someone? Possibly someone who broke your heart?"

How did he know?

"You're so easy to read John," he sighed. "Who was it though?"

I shrugged my shoulders and pulled my knees towards my chest. I rested my arms on my knees and my head in my arms. I didn't feel so well.

"That's fine. But look what I got!" I looked up and found Freddie holding up cheese on toast. I took it and started nibbling on it.

"Roger said it was your favorite. I was confused at first, but he was obviously right." Freddie pointed at my hands and I noticed I had only a bite left. I smiled bashfully and continued eating.

"What happened on Friday?" Freddie asked.

"You still want to know?" I clucked in surprise. Freddie nodded his head.

What could I say? He shouldn't know anything now.

"I got paid extra on Friday." I lied once again. It was lame but it was all I got.

"You're such a bloody liar." He giggled.

"You're right. But I'll tell you when I'm more comfortable. It's really personal." I whispered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." He apologized.

"It's fine! I'll tell you soon anyways." I reassured. I was subconsciously munching on some grapes while Freddie did the same.

"I'll tell you what I did on Friday." Freddie said as he pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket.

"I wrote a song, and I'm going to sing it for the first time. So you better give back great feedback mister." He playfully scolded.

This was going to be my first time hearing him sing, and I was excited. At our band practice, Freddie usually stood back and commented on our playing, but he never actually practiced himself.

"You may start." I commanded. Freddie laughed and quickly hid his teeth. I wish he would stop doing that.

He began singing, and I was instantly hooked. It was angelic indeed, it was full of emotion. He sang slow and sweet, while reading off the paper a few times. He glanced  at me occasionally and smirked a bit. As he began to finish, he winked at me.

"How was it?" He asked. I was still in shock. His voice didn't match his appearance at all, I was not expecting this.

"T-that was amazing. Freddie you're amazing." I sputtered out. Freddie chuckled nervously.

"Thanks darling, you're too kind." He whispered. I fell hard for Freddie and there was no going back now.

We continued talking about anything that came to mind. We shared personal things like our birthday and family. Then it got deeper, resulting in him telling me that he really likes men more than I have thought, which gave me hope. I told him I was straight, I've always been. But Freddie makes me indecisive.

"Darn, I seriously thought you weren't straight. I was starting to like you?" Freddie pouted.

"You don't like me because I'm straight? I inquired. Freddie shook his head.

"I meant I was starting to like like you. You know, in that way." He murmured shyly. I never thought Freddie could be this shy towards anyone.

"Oh. Oh!" It's sad to say that it took me awhile to understand what he meant. He liked me like I liked him.

"Did I make things awkward? I tend to do that a lot." Freddie whispered.

"No! It's perfectly fine. I sort of like liked you too." I admitted. This felt so elementary and childish but I loved it.

"But you're straight, so I wouldn't even have a chance." Freddie finished.

"Be quiet you prat! I'm not as entirely straight as I thought, solely when I first met you. I just like you."

Freddie and I laughed nervously. I had no idea where this was going, but it felt great to get that off my chest.

"I ate everything." I blurted, trying to change the subject.

"I guess you did. You're going to get all cute and chubby." He laughed. I was going to get chubby, very chubby.

"We should start heading back." I suggested and Freddie agreed. It was dark now, it the park was empty. Freddie and I packed the things back into the car and drove to his house.

I'm a bit anxious now. What were we? Freddie and I just confessed to each other, but nothing was done. I would love to date him, but that was risky. What if it ends up like Veronica? What if he breaks my heart.

What if he finds out about the baby.

Nope. I can't date him.

But I want to so bad.

We soon reached his house, and I helped him carry the stuff back inside. I threw the blanket into the laundry room and Freddie stood in front of me.

"I think you should stay the night, it's too dark for you to walk back alone." Freddie whispered timidly.

"You're right, I'll sleep on the couch." I whispered back.

Freddie looked deep in thought but he nodded anyways. He bit his lip and walked into his room.

I shrugged off his odd behavior and sat on the couch. I wasn't tired.

I heard footsteps from down the hall, and it was Roger. He looked confused but he continued walking into the kitchen. He came out with a can of beer. He was dressed in pink pajama pants but not shirt.

"You want some?" He asked. I simply stared at him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." He grumbled. "So how did things with Fred go?"

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

"It left me confused." I stated. Roger's face held interest and he sat next to me.

"Oh really, tell me." He asserted.

"We talked and talked. I ate most of the food. And we both confessed about liking each other." I said aloud.

"So are you two dating?" He asked. I shook my head no.

"Why! You both like each other!

"I'm not ready for a relationship just yet, especially after what happened with Veronica. And Freddie and I just met. This could just be some weird phase I'm going through, I've never liked another man before."

"I understand. But what happened with Veronica? You never told Brian and I everything."

I knew I couldn't keep it from them forever. They were my close friends, and I needed to vent.

"I walked into Veronica fucking with some random guy, that was when things went downhill. She pulled me into the room, the door was shut and locked. They had their way with me. They raped me." I whimpered out the last sentence. It felt great to let it out but tears burned my eyes and ran down my cheeks.

The memories began to rush through my brain, as if it happened yesterday. Everything was vivid, it felt horrible.

"Roger, it was disgusting. I never felt so used and betrayed before. I had so much trust in her and she just threw it away. I loved her." I cried out. Roger sat his beer down on a coffee table and hushed me.

"I felt so vulnerable afterwards. I'm trying to look unaffected by it. I'm trying my best to stay positive and forget about it, but this damn child is going to fucking remind me of that time. I want it gone!" I sobbed.

"John, if you truly want it gone, you have a choice. I would never know what you're going through, and I can't imagine how you feel. But remember, if you decide to keep the child or not, Brian and I are always here to support you. We are so sorry we weren't there to help you." Roger was now crying. Roger and I were always softies, thought we hated to admit it.

"Stop crying you loser." I chuckled through tears.

"You first." He retorted back.

"I'm exhausted now. I'm going to sleep." I groaned.

"Sweet dreams Deaky." Roger whispered. I groaned something incoherent and fell asleep.