COMMENTING TIME FRAME:

Friday, December 8 - Sunday, December 17, 2017, 11:59 PM (CST)

MODERATOR: kemorgan65

COMMENT TOPIC: Chapters must move along smartly, but they cannot be too much in depth or too vague. Comment on the detail the author used to create immediacy. Are you hooked right away? If not, how can they improve?

ANNOUNCEMENT: Check out the issue #3 of THE SPOTLIGHT for tips and interviews!

Author #1: aqsamustaf

Book: You call this fate?

Genre: General Fiction

Specified Chapter: prologue

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/445605981-you-call-this-fate-prologue

Chapter Rating: G – but might be considered emotionally frustrating

Summary: Zara is an escaped sexual slave. With the help of a guard named Gerald, she has run away from the place where she was held. The prologue in a glimpse of a point in her escape, whereas the rest of the story revolves around how she deals with the demons if her past, and--maybe, maybe not—finally puts them to rest.

Author's Note: The obscurity of the character's situation and the questions the reader might have as the plot proceeds, is intentional. Thus I would request you to stay in the moment while commenting. This story has mystery/thriller elements so will move forward on need-to-know basis.

Feel free with how you want to answer my questions, and any random thought you have. I want my story seen from different eyes, and I am honoured you will give me your time of the day.

Questions:

1. How were the aspects of believability and tension? If you imagine yourself in her place, would you react as such? How does her fear affect you, the reader?

2. The protagonist knows the mother and daughter who are helping her but I intentionally leave out making her name them, mostly to increase the shock factor for the reader when it is revealed that she knows them. Occasionally I have been told that this point is a little hitching. What are your thoughts?

3. Will you read the story ahead? This being the prologue, it is supposed to snare the reader in, to captivate their thoughts. With all the action here, the story slows down a little from chapter 1, so I need to know if this start would keep the reader reading, wanting to know the end?

Winning Comment: 

Congratulations on the spotlight, @aqsamustaf ! Reading the summary of this prologue, I knew at once that I would be moved by your story. I'll discuss this by first answering this week's comment topic, and then making my way through the questions. Here we go!

CT – Immediacy

I'm ridiculously fond of gripping opening lines, and this one ("There were people after me.") did not disappoint. Simple and chilling, it hooked me right away, reeling me into that basement with Zara. By then adding the emotional aspect of the rescued baby ("I had promised to look after her. I had promised Gerald I would look after her, this child who wasn't mine but would have to be from now on."), you immediately created a scene I couldn't look away from. Using the child as her reason for escaping somehow made me feel even more connected to your character, as I felt that it gave words such as "I had to live. I would live. And I would be free while I did that" even more power.

You weren't afraid to dig into the gruesomeness and the terror of the situation (e.g. "Something crawled up my bare foot, over the dried blood and swollen flesh, something with too many legs. I swatted at it with a shaking hand, tears springing to my eyes as I bit down harder on my lip."), and I admire that you didn't shy away from the details. You painted a really vivid scene, and I don't think that would've been possible without staying true to what your character has been through. (Also, the way you used the innocence of the child in lines such as "The baby breathed into my ear as if she sang a lullaby" as a contrast to the fear/danger of the situation was incredible.)

There were only two instances where I thought the paragraphs could've been shortened/rephrased just a little ("My fractured leg was twisted into an uncomfortable comma before me, the pain blazing a trail of fire along my leg till I felt as if my eyes..."

"This time there came the sound of a thunderous crash, followed by the musical shattering of glass. There were decorative ceramic plates on the mantle..."). There was a lot going on in those paragraphs, and while I can see how that emphasizes Zara's fear and confusion (as she's unable to see what's going on), I'm wondering if there's a way to focus on fewer sensations, as the multitude of them can be a bit overwhelming. Just an idea, though!

Question 1 – Believability and tension

As I've mentioned above, Zara's fear was definitely tangible through the way you detailed her situation. I never found myself questioning her reactions--instead, I felt myself growing more connected to her as the prologue continued. You reeled me into her mind through descriptions such as "There was loud banging on the front door of the house, the sound of it reverberating through the walls and reaching my ears like the gongs of doom", and I really liked the way you even included the confusion of voices ("It was getting harder to figure out which of the men was speaking. They were starting to sound the same."), as that made me feel as disoriented as Zara. Letting her be in the dark the whole time was a really intriguing concept, and I'm amazed by how you managed to paint such a vivid scene without the use of your main character's sight!

There was also a combination of fear and hope in the narration, which I think captured the dangerous reality of the situation. She's fighting for freedom, for this child, and yet, she knows that her life can end any second now (e.g. "I screwed my eyes shut and wished for it to be quick."). This already added a great sense of tension to the prologue, but the true suspense came from moments such as "The keys jingled louder. I dragged the thick curtain laying on the ground beside me over my head..." and "Before her mouth could open, I clamped a hand over her face, tightening my hold on her flailing limbs...". My heart has never been able to take this kind of tension (I usually glance at the next page to see if the characters will be fine), and I think the fact that you made me scroll down to see if Zara and the child would be okay just goes to show how great the tension was here.

The only minor suggestion I have would be to rephrase the line "...then she let out such a thunderous cry one would have thought she was using profanity in baby language". I think it's a charming line, but I don't think it fits the tone of this prologue, and I have no doubt you'd be able to create something that matches the mood even better :)

Question 2 – The helpers

I didn't find this point hitching, but I wasn't entirely sure why they weren't named. That being said, I didn't mind just getting hints of Zara's connection to them (e.g. "She sounded alarmed. If my life hadn't been hanging by a frayed threat, I would have smiled."). I like that the focus is on Zara, not on the people helping her, and I think it'll be interesting to find out how the mother and daughter are connected to your main character (and why they decided to hide her).

I only have one minor suggestion here, which isn't exactly an answer to the question, but rather related to the woman you're asking about. To maintain the immediacy you've created, I would suggest eliminating some of the mother's questions, as she repeated words such as "Where do you think you are going?" and "Who are you looking for?" several times. However, I can also see how you've used these questions to show how close she is to the basement. So... I'm basically just arguing with myself at this point, huh?

Question 3 – Reading on

I think my previous comments have already revealed that I'm invested in this story, but I'll add some more to what I've already said. I mentioned that opening lines are my jam, but the same goes for the way the prologue/first chapter is ended. I love when the start of a story makes me itch to turn the next page, and the chilling end ("We will never be safe again. Never.") definitely inspired that feeling. The way you've added subtle hints of Zara's past (e.g. "He didn't come.") also made me want to find out more, so my answer to this question is a resounding yes. Great work!

Network with this winner: @reaweiger

The reason behind choosing her is simple. It's not always you find someone whose every suggestion sounds exactly right and like something you would do if you had only thought it first. It's common to have a hard time agreeing with reviewers, but her thoughts were perfectly in sync with mine. I felt that she understood my tale, like I wanted to tell it. For that, I am thankful.

First runner-up: @Casparita

Her comments were very thorough, with an interesting combination of hard critique and praise. I loved reading it through, and it made me see my own story, and the situations in it, in a different light.

Second runner-up: @Echo4Echo

He took time to look through my chapter very closely, and had a suggestion for everything he didn't agree with. The suggestions were well thought out and based solid.

Honorable mentions: @jeff_bond , @Miss_Guided01 , @JimInfantino , @NiamhBran

Final author's note: Everybody always said it is very difficult figuring out the winner. I always thought I would make it work somehow. Now, after going through the harrowing process, I can agree hands down *rubbing head; smiling tiredly*

Every single person had something important and encouraging to say. Going from one to the other, I always thought, "Yes, it will be this person. He/she is saying the right thing." And then the next comment would make me rethink.

Regardless of how hard it was--I kept procrastinating till the last minute; that hard--I would like to thank you all for the time you took, for the nice things you said, and mostly for all the suggestions you offered. They have helped me immensely, and I find myself incapable to putting to words how grateful I am.

All I can come up with at the moment is this,

Thank you very, very much.

Author #2: Tegan1311

Book: Deep in the Shadows

Genre: Fantasy

Specified Chapter: Chapter 6: Dark Fury

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/471861339-deep-in-the-shadows-psycheawards2017-6-~-dark-fury

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Summary: Nera, a Daughter of Shadows, has no family left, save an aunt who cast her out. With the help of Mali, she's learning Light magic, but it angers the shadows. Nera's wish is to be out among the stars where Light and Shadows don't seem to matter as much. But in order to free herself, she's told she'll need someone's help.

She finds the young man imprisoned in a slave camp, but sees there more to him than even 'he' knows. After freeing Lukas and taking the infant son of a young prisoner, in the promise of finding the baby a loving home, Nera leads the escape. On their short journey, Nera senses the Shadows anger and the Light's restlessness. Something isn't right.

Author's Note: So excited to be spotlighted again, especially for the novel I'm doing NaNoWriMo for. Thanks to Dawn and the board for putting together this brand new, amazing version NBR!

Questions:

1. My first and most important question is about pace. I've always written slower, deeper, more thought-out scenes, but I'm trying something new, which is probably basic to everyone else, lol! Faster paced scenes throughout. So, with this chapter, I'm actually afraid it's too fast. That there's too much going on and everything flits by without impressing its importance. Maybe I'm biased because I like slower paces, but is it too fast?

2. What are your impressions of the two characters, Nera and Lukas. I have a strong female lead with the guy following her, a bit weaker. Do they come off as believable, their roles, given their current circumstances?

3. Of course my last question is, would you read on? Is there enough intrigue throughout, and a good hook at the end?

Winning Comment: 

Congratulations on the spotlight, @Tegan1311 ! It's been a while since the first chapter of this story was spotlighted, but I remember loving Nera even then, and I definitely enjoyed getting this new glimpse of her. I thought I'd start my review by answering this week's comment topic, and then I'll make my way through the questions!

CT – Immediacy

Much like the last time I read this story, I was drawn to the way you described the scenery. I think you used just the right amount of detail in this chapter, and because of that, you continuously managed to set the scene without stealing the momentum. Two of my favorite examples of this would have to be: "The torch by the cell flickered violently, then went out, a faint thump sounding nearby. A slow, cold wind followed Nera and Lukas down the hall like a dying breath." + "A basket of nearly rotted fruit filled the room with a foul sweetness that stung her nostrils". By using different senses, whether that's the "foul sweetness" of fruit or the chill of the wind, you really give a vivid idea of what your characters are experiencing--and that certainly reeled me into the story.

Another thing I enjoyed was the mystery of shadows and darkness. It was present in the prisoner's words ("'Shadows,' he whispered, the word drawn out in reverence."), in the whispers of the wind ("'You said to make an army on our own time,' they hissed to Nera, Lukas only hearing the wind."), and – perhaps most importantly – in the intense scene at the end of this chapter ("Black veins bulged on his hands, neck, and face, his eyes swallowed by a darkness so deep, even Nera had to look away."). This dark element of mystery kept me on my toes as I was reading, so I would definitely say that I was hooked!

I have one minor suggestion regarding the pace, but I feel like that belongs in my answer to your first question, so I'll pop over to that one now!

Question 1 – Pace 

I personally didn't think that this chapter moved too fast--instead, I felt that you gave me time to get to know both characters, even as they moved forward. Additionally, you took your time building tension (e.g. "The long hall was ridiculously quiet. No guards, the cells mostly empty, the fire and shadows acting with a will of their own. The uncertainty was getting to Nera. The thought of being toyed with, someone mocking her escape by purposefully clearing the way, it was too much."), and the build-up to the final scene felt smooth and organic.

The only parts of this chapter that confused me slightly were the paragraphs dipping into Nera's past (e.g. "Sure she'd stayed alive, even after her entire family had been hunted down, killed off one by one, but she'd had her aunt to take care of her...") and the one detailing the soldiers in the Shadow's army ("Every soldier in the Shadow's army, the mørke, had eyes like that. It was a fate worse than death to any living being..."). While I appreciated these details (as I've only read the first chapter prior to this review), I'm wondering if the information could possibly be woven into the story at an earlier stage, as this is the sixth chapter. However, that's the only thing I can think of in terms of suggestions. I thoroughly enjoyed the pace of this chapter!

Question 2 – Nera and Lukas

I thought both characters were believable, and though I'd assumed I would be most invested in Nera's character (as her character is hard to forget), I found myself growing equally fond of the two of them. I think one of the main reasons for this was the way you included their weaknesses, too. With Lukas, I really admired how he admitted to being hesitant ("He hated that he sounded so tentative, but a lot had changed since he'd been brought to this slave camp.") and how he didn't shy away from what he was feeling ("For a moment, all Lukas could think was that the prison was made of the slaves blood, using their very essence, stealing their lives to make itself stronger. ...

A shiver ran through him, affecting him so deeply he stumbled."). With Nera, I loved being allowed to see past her fire and strength, and to learn of the words that have shaped her ("'Never rely on anyone, Nera,' she'd say. 'They'll burn you every time.'").

Another thing I enjoyed about them was the way they both reflected on the child's innocence. In a way, I felt as if these observations tied them together, as they both reacted the same way to the sight of the sleeping baby (Nera: "What bliss to be so ignorant. To have everyone taking care of you while you simply nap." / Lukas: "The baby was asleep now, and Lukas marveled at how peaceful he looked. He envied that, not having to worry."). They both seem like troubled souls, and it'd definitely be interesting to see how their journey continues.

I remember the omniscient narration/head-hopping in the first chapter, and though I know I offered a few suggestions regarding it in my previous review, my response to it was different this time. The first shift from Lukas to Nera did surprise me, but then I realized how smoothly you switched between your characters (e.g. "...Shadows may be powerful, but her physical form could sometimes outmatch them. It was one of the things they envied. / Lukas stared at the firelight, watching the shadows move across every inch of space..."). It might be an unpopular opinion this week, but I actually think you possess a great control of the narration. The only thing I would suggest is to be a bit stingier with the use of inner monologue (e.g. "What was I thinking? I don't rescue people or take care of them. I can barely take care of myself.", "When the boss is away, nothing's forbidden. That's how someone was able to clear a path for me."), as I feel like there's a bit of a contrast between the intimacy of these direct thoughts and the continuous shift between POVs. That being said, I did understand whose thoughts I was reading, 
so feel free to dismiss this suggestion if it doesn't work with the style of your writing!

Question 3 – Reading on

I'll keep my answer short here, because it's the same as it was for your previous spotlight: Yes! Like I said earlier, I love the mystery of these shadows ( "Forces of the fire and shadows were at work here, ones not controlled by her."), and I'm intrigued to find out more about the way they work--and why/how they're related to Nera. Also... Who can resist a good cliffhanger? ("She waved a hand to get his attention, to get him to stop staring into the man's eyes, but a sudden cold gripped her throat.") ;)

Network with this Winner: @reaweiger

First runner-up: @amymarshmallow

Second runner-up: @Socialrecluse

Honorable mentions: @ericdabbs and @Lyssagirl for their great insight and well rounded/explained views

Final author's note: This is my 5th spotlight (I think) and it was the toughest one yet. Because I didn't go into detail about my characters in the overview (my fault, but I was concerned with pace and just did a basic run through) some reviewers really misinterpreted my characters by making sweeping judgements based on one chapter. From one character being called "emasculated" to the other being called "snotty," "a snarky trope," or worse "a bad representation of strong female characters." I felt like a mama bear having to defend her cubs. Name calling is no substitute for wit and rudeness should never be confused with honesty. I do appreciate one reviewer talking me through their comments though (thank you).

That being said, most of the comments were well rounded and gave me great edits as well as ways to improve my pace, descriptions, and characters. I'm grateful for the feedback, especially since this novel is still in the beginning stages. As I don't plot or outline, I don't know much more about my characters and this fantasy world than readers do. Your insightful reviews have helped me tremendously :)

The winner, @reaweiger gave me a great overview with lots of examples and details, and really seemed to understand my characters. @amymarshmallow had a great perspective about my pace and a suggestion about the next chapter, while @Socialrecluse picked up on a few things most didn't.

Author #1: ChristopherOpyr

Book: Calling Mr. Nelson Pugh

Genre: Horror

Specified Chapter: SIX

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/474146561-calling-mr-nelson-pugh-six

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Summary: Nelson Pugh is away on a business trip, coping with an anxiety attack after a day of travel—something to which he is very accustomed as he suffers from an extreme anxiety disorder. Caught in this spiral of anxiety and depression, Nelson ignores the mounting calls from his wife, unable to face her, and reflects on the miserable state of his life: from his boss almost firing him before he talked his way back into the job, to his wife and two daughters and his unbelievable luck in having such a wonderful family despite his failings. As the calls continue, they trigger a panic attack, Nelson imagining his family in increasingly morbid disaster scenarios. Afraid to let his wife know that he has slipped into yet another bout of panic and self-loathing he attempts to calm himself with a counting exercise, and a dangerous mix of alcohol and anxiety medication, then finally checks his messages. Only the deeper he gets into the messages, the more Nelson's panic begins to take hold, as the calls from his wife are intermixed with long, silent, and unnerving calls from her cellphone. Finally, Nelson calls his wife on the landline, hoping she can calm him down before he lets his paranoia get the best of him, only he is also beginning to suspect that someone else may be placing the calls from her cell.

Author's Note: I'm thrilled and honored to be spotlighted by NBR. That said, please feel free to be critical. This is my second draft of the manuscript and I am using Wattpad as a platform for Beta readers to provide feedback that can help me further revise and polish the novelette before publishing as an e-book. I fully believe that every writer needs an editor, but as I lack the connections and funds for a formal editor, I am seeking to crowdsource that process. As long as you are providing honest and constructive feedback, that is what I want to see, and with it I will attempt to gather a critical consensus and craft this story into the best version of it that I can tell. Thank you for your time.

Questions:

1. As a character largely trapped in his own head, how do you find the balance between Nelson's inner monologues, actions, and dialogue?

2. Are there places where Nelson's thoughts take you out of the story, breaking the pacing, and if so, where and how?

3. I am considering breaking some of the narrative apart with flashbacks, to counter for areas where Nelson is too thick in his thoughts and also to provide red herrings about the calls. For such a contained perspective (in a hotel, on one night, over the course of a few phone calls), do you feel more specific flashbacks would break the narrative flow, or could they remedy pacing issues? For instance, in this segment I could flash back to a therapy visit revolving around marital issues, and plant the seeds of distrust around Nelson's therapist. Any other thoughts or concerns around the insertion of flashbacks to the existing structure / flow?

Winning Comment: 

Congrats on the spotlight! Well deserved! The suspense in this story is excellent, and it was a thrill to read from beginning to end! I was excited to get to read this chapter again. On to the comment topic!

CT: I thought the detail at the beginning created a great immediacy. The chapter starts off right away with Nelson placing the phone call. I know a lot of tension was already built in the previous chapters, so this really keeps it going strong. A detail I specifically liked that pulled me into the chapter was Nelson counting of the rings of the phone. I think that this detail really helped me to place myself in the character's position, imagining myself counting the rings on the phone with him.

In my opinion, the writing style is fairly formal and at times slightly wordy. I think it works well with the character because he is a character that overthinks and worries, so it makes sense to me that his narration itself would be this way. However, as far as immediacy, I think the immediacy of the first paragraph could possibly be improved if some of the sentences were shortened or trimmed down.

For example, the first sentence is quite long: "The decision made, I sat up swinging my legs over the side of the bed and tossing the bedspread half off the mattress and my pile of luggage with it." It is slightly confusing to imagine the action because of the length of the sentence. It takes a second to understand what exactly is being described, which decreases the immediacy of the opening. I might consider splitting it in two, perhaps: "The decision made, I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. My foot caught on the bedspread, dragging it half off the mattress, my pile of luggage tumbling to the floor with it." Okay, well that is a rough example/idea, and I'm sure you could come up with better! But I think that breaking up the actions a bit more would make them clearer to visualize.

Finally, one other thought I had that could add to the immediacy of this opening paragraph would be to cut the last sentence down a bit. I think that removing the words "on the other end of the line" would be one way of accomplishing this. "I tapped 'Home' and waited, hunched over with the phone tight to my ear, and the ringing began." That's just an idea. I feel like it would make the paragraph just a bit quicker to read, but I also see how the specification "on the other end of the line" is just a bit sinister, because it loosely relates to the idea that Nelson doesn't know who is on the other end of the line when he is receiving the call from Eleanor's cell phone later. (Or maybe I'm just stretching this here!) Either way, thought I'd make the suggestion so you could consider it if you like.

Q1: I feel like Nelson's thoughts are a crucial part of the story. Even though I know there is something else going on (something real), I still feel like a lot of the story is about Nelson's panic attack, and what is going on in his head. I felt like the balance between dialog and inner monologue was well done. However, I really didn't get much of a sense of "action" in this chapter.

For example, the chapter begins with Nelson swinging his legs over the bed and dialing the phone. These are all specific actions that I can picture well. I think it is great to start a scene so heavy on monologue with a clear action like this, because it gives me a way to place the scene and something to picture right from the beginning

From that point, there was limited indication of action and movement. There were a few places where Nelson's physical reactions were mentioned, for example "My heart raced.", "The words stuck in my throat...", "I shook my head and ran my fingers through my thinning hair." The only other indication of Nelson's place in the scene (unless I missed one) was near the end when he mentioned "I relaxed into the pillows." At this point, I had somewhat lost the character in the scene. I hadn't realized he had been sitting on the bed the whole time.

I don't really see it as a problem since I don't think that Nelson's position in the room is particularly important to the chapter, but since you asked about the balance of dialog, monologue, and action, I'll say the action was the point where I think there could be a bit more added. I could see Nelson pacing around the room a bit, perhaps interacting with his surroundings a bit more. Maybe fidgeting with something. I don't think you necessarily need anything like this because I never felt like I was missing something, but it might create a more visual scene if you wanted to add it.

Q2: Nelson's thoughts didn't take me out of the story at all. I think they are a crucial part of the story, because so much of this story is built around what is going on in his head. When I was first reading it, I was half convinced nothing was going on and his worry itself was going to be the cause of his downfall.

That said, there are times where the thoughts become a bit distracting, specifically while Nelson is on the phone with his wife. It isn't that they pull me out of the story, but they at times go on for just a bit too long and I forget what the question his wife asked or the question that he asked was. For example, after Nelson asks if he shouldn't encourage reading, he goes on to describe how he fell in love with his wife. While this was interesting and I thought it worked well and was relevant to the conversation, by the time I had finished reading it I couldn't remember what the original question was when Eleanor replied with "Yes, seriously." It wasn't a major issue because I just went back and read the previous bit again, but I guess it's a bit of a break with the pace.

However, as another example, I did not have a problem like this with Nelson's thoughts about his daughter reading in the dark. Even though this thought break was just as long (if not longer) than the one about falling in love with his wife, I didn't miss a beat in the conversation while reading it. I think this was because the thoughts related directly to the subject of the question, so I never forgot it. However, the thoughts about falling in love (while they did relate to the reason Nelson was talking) did not relate to the actual subject of the discussion as closely.

Another example, would be after Eleanor says: "Great. Turn this into a joke." I thought the break for Nelson's thoughts worked very well here. I started to forget the conversation he and his wife were having, but I think it worked to the advantage of the story because Nelson himself was kind of forgetting what he was talking about. This was shown when Eleanor asked if Nelson was going to answer. She's realized he's become distracted by his own thoughts/worries. The narration of Nelson's monologue here pulled me into his mindset, making me feel the panic Nelson was experiencing.

Q3: I think that a specific flashback would be a good idea. I really like your idea about the therapy visit. You mention that the story is contained within the hotel room. Confining the story to one setting like this could make it less interesting because the scene doesn't change. However, thinking about it, I really like how the story is contained, and I think it's a good atmosphere for the story. It might take away from the story to have Nelson leave at some point, so, I think that a flashback would be a good way to balance it out. You could introduce new scenes, something visual and interesting to picture, but not actually ever leave the hotel room. Additionally, a flashback like this would introduce more characters and I think bring the story to life just a bit more.

I read through this chapter trying to pick a place that would be good to include a flashback, and I don't think there is a location in this chapter where it would fit well. (Or at least not one that I could find.) The reason I think this is because Nelson is on the phone with Eleanor the entire time. Although you do have some breaks in their dialog for Nelson to have brief bits of monologue, I don't really think it would work to have a full flashback during their conversation. The flashback would have to be a decent length, I think, and at that point it would be too long of a pause in a conversation to work well. So, I feel like a flashback might be better placed in another chapter where Nelson is not on the phone the entire time.

Overall, a great chapter with excellent tension and suspense! I really enjoyed reading this story! The suspense is just exceptional, and I was even a bit angry (but in a good way) when I had to wait for chapters to be posted to read the next part!

Network with this winner: @AmyMarieZ for providing a thorough review with numerous specific examples of problem areas and possible solutions. Each concern was well evidenced, and the advice offered for addressing those concerns was presented clearly and effectively. Moreover, every question was tended to with a thoughtfulness that I appreciated, pointing out both problem areas and areas that worked, both being essential knowledge in a rewrite.

First runner-up: @Athaja for the review's attention to detail, many inline suggestions to help clarify trouble areas, and straightforward advice. I found the suggestions extremely useful.

Second runner-up: @painebook for his solid breakdown of the chapter paragraph by paragraph, pointing out troublespots from grammar mistakes, to disruptions to narrative flow, to general wording issues.

Honorable mentions: @AhsokaJackson @Daniel_Barnett

Final author's note: Thank you for the wonderful feedback on Calling Mr. Nelson Pugh. Being a part of NBR has been a truly wonderful experience, and I have enjoyed, and will continue to enjoy, getting to know each and every one of you through your stories and reviews. I have always found that being part of a community of authors and readers is an essential part of the writing process, and I feel extremely lucky to have discovered just such a community here on wattpad, and, more specifically, here on NBR. This is truly an amazing group of writers, and I am so happy to be a part of it. Thank you all for taking the time to provide your feedback and for being a part of Mr. Nelson Pugh's journey. Your advice will prove invaluable in developing my third, and hopefully final, draft.

Author #2: ZonderZorg

Book: Posted As Missing

Genre: Historical

Specified Chapter: Chapter — Five

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/231453753-posted-as-missing-chapter-five

Chapter Rating: G

Summary: David Berry had volunteered as a soldier in the British Columbia Regiment in August 1914 in the weeks following the declaration of war against the German aggression. His battalion arrived in France in February 1915.

On the 22nd of April 1915, outside Ypres, Belgium, the Germans launched an attack on the French, British and Canadian trenches, using chlorine gas for the first time in warfare. During the ensuing battle, over 100,000 were killed, wounded, captured or posted as missing, and of the more than 1150 officers and men in David's battalion, fewer than 360 mustered for roll call when they were relieved and moved back four days later — David wasn't among them. (All of the foregoing are verifiable historical facts — the fictional story begins here.)

At dusk on the third day of the battle, he had been hit by fragments from a mortar shell as the Germans initiated another advance, and it was dark when he regained consciousness with his face badly ripped and his mind still in a daze. As his mind cleared, he realised he was now behind enemy lines. He stripped a dead German soldier and dressed in the uniform, thinking his imperfect German grammar and his odd accent could be disguised by his wounded mouth.

As he continued through the dim starlight,  he was stopped, challenged and taken to a dressing station to have his wounds cleaned.

Author's Note: Many of you will have seen Chapter One of this story in an earlier spotlight, and the foregoing gives a summary of the revised version that grew from your comments. Chapter Two is backstory through the device of David's parents receiving letters returned from the Front, including an official OHMS reporting David as Missing. Chapters Three and Four add additional backstory and fill in aspects of David's personality through the devices of his thoughts and his observations of others in the truck as he is transported to the field hospital. He finds a postcard in the breast pocket of the German uniform in which he dressed, and he adopts the name of the addressee as his new identity. Though the text of the message isn't revealed to readers, David's response to it shows it to be sexually suggestive, and he assumes the sender was the dead German's wife or girlfriend. The postcard plays a role in two places in the spotlight chapter, and again later in this book and in its sequels.

Questions:

1. I've been researching the history and geography behind this story for over half a century since I first visited the French and Belgian battlefields and lived in the Schwarzwald. These are important aspects for this entire series of novels, so I ask you whether my inclusion of historical and geographic details flow naturally through the chapter, or do they appear forcefully inserted?

2. From Chapter One, we've seen David as a ballsy young man with inventive initiative, and now that he's seen his ruse is working, he gains confidence; so I want to know—do these aspects of his personality come across in this chapter?

3. Did the chapter flow smoothly, both artistically and logically, from beginning to end, including storyline, transitions, physical choreography and emotional fluctuation?

Winning Comment: 

CT: To be honest, I felt there was a pronounced lack of immediacy in this chapter. Not until the ending was there a scene, or a moment of interaction, between the main character and another person--that is, a scene or an interaction told in the moment, as the characters meet one another.

I understand that it must be difficult to tell the story of someone with an incomplete grasp of the language spoken by everyone else--and a mouth wound to boot--but there are many wordless ways for people to communicate and understand one another. David may be inventive, but we don't get to see his inventiveness in this chapter as so much of what he does is neatly, dryly summarized after the fact. The kid in the waiting room, for instance--we don't learn of the kid's presence until the kid pops up in David's thoughts, and we don't learn how the kid was pestering David until David had already left the building. There's something happening as David sits in this room, something interesting and frustrating and possibly unnerving to a man in disguise (what if the kid manages to pull off his bandages? What if attention comes his way?), but I can't get invested into the scene because I don't have an invitation. I'm an outsider, left to view this world through the filter of David's thoughts.

Which brings me to the world itself. There is so much potential in this story. A young man, wounded and trapped behind enemy lines, must journey through an unfamiliar and inhospitable country--but also a beautiful country, with a lot of good people--in order to find his way home. He's the quintessential fish-out-of-water, and I'd love to see these towns and cities through his eyes. I want to be there with him, feeling his wild array of emotions. Wonder and fear and loneliness and maybe even some warmth, in unexpected places. Instead, his excursions are sparsely summarized, with next to no (and in some cases none at all) descriptions of his surroundings:

". . . he got off to go shopping, visiting several stores . . ."

What is this town like? What is the energy in the town? What kind of stones make up its buildings, its streets? As it reads, it's just a proper noun attached to a shopping list, and that's the biggest struggle I had with this chapter--it felt like a list to me, like I was reading the stops on a train line instead of traveling on the train myself. I had no sense of his progression, emotionally or physically, as he journeys through this foreign nation. I highly recommend David Mitchell's The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, if you haven't read it already, for an excellent period piece about a young individual trapped in a strange and largely unwelcoming country.

Q1: In regards to the inclusion of geographical/historical details, I really appreciated your grasp of the many currencies at play during this time period, along with the fickle value of those currencies depending on region. That was a great, insightful detail. I didn't find anything to be forcefully or obtrusively inserted, though there were times when the names of places began to blur together, because I had no details to connect or associate with those places. But again, I felt that this chapter was really short on details in general. From what I can remember, David doesn't look out the window of his train at the countryside once. He's got his nose perpetually in his map, and while I can believe he'd spend a lot of his time doing that, it doesn't make for the most interesting view. He could be on any train, in any country, for all the detail that's given of his surroundings.

Q2/Q3: I've touched on some of this already, so I'll focus mostly on David here and his emotional presence in the chapter. I can recognize his ingenuity in escaping the battlefield--he drew a bad hand and he played it the best way he could. In this chapter there were a few moments where his cleverness/ballsiness had a chance to shine again--particularly near the end, during his hasty disguise change in the trees. But I felt largely detached from him throughout the chapter, as I did from the world. I'm sure this guy has some kind of an emotional undercurrent, but I never really got to dip my toes into it because he's so stoic about this whole ordeal, and also because so much of what he is feeling is told to us, via expositional thoughts, instead of shown through his behavior.

When confronted by the three soldiers near the end, he seems relatively unfazed. I'd love to have a physical sense of him here. This is a terrifying moment because if he's found out, it means execution on the spot, but nothing he does or thinks reflects that. I'd love to see his stiff, soldierly posture as they look over his papers, to feel his wounded jaw clenching under his bandages. And then, when they leave and he steps off the road, perhaps he slumps briefly against a tree, panting.

On the other hand, if the point here is to show that his trauma has left him emotionally stunted--or that he's a real cool player--he might reflect briefly on the fact that his heart isn't pounding, that he feels nothing at all, that this situation is just business as usual for him.

Thanks for sharing your story. Hope you're having a nice week.

Network with this Winner: @Daniel_Barnett offered astute observations and comments, as well as specific suggestions on ways to bring David closer to the reader.

First runner-up: @painebook

Second runner-up: @Cocosghost

Final author's note: Most of the reviewers wanted to see more scenery and character interaction, and they missed that in the opening scenes, David was still traumatised and in shock from his injuries, and that this was compounded by the effects of his second injection of Heroin as his face was stitched back together. In addition to his numbed state, he must have been concerned about what his face would now look like. Further complicating this is that he was moving deeper into enemy territory with an uncertain disguise.

That so many reviewers wanted him to be a tour guide for the readers, as well as playing tourist for himself as he romped through the countryside, towns and cities, indicates I need to show more clearly the state he is in. For this, I thank you.

As an interesting side note — I received 103 comments totalling a little short of 9,000 words in this spotlight, compared to 755 new comments totalling over 71,000 words in my previous one.

DIRECTIONS:

1. Go to EACH of the author's profile page, and find the book specified by the author.

2. Write one comment per author, but DO NOT write here. Write it in the author's own comment section. Be sure to answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the author's note. If your comment exceeds more than one comment box, reply to your own comment for the remaining sections.

(Do not comment on this book. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions and that you have completed the assignment.)

3. All comments must include the #NBR hashtag. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment, then your comment will be DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR, then comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply reply to your comment with another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more—remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to the scoring system in the rules.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR, then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!