highs and lows
Gil's POV
Matt left a quick kiss on my cheek when he went home. Somehow that short-circuited my brain more than anything beforehand. I was leaning on the door clutching my chest as if I were going to collapse (or start singing).
Then Toni came into my sight with a shit-eating grin. Two seconds of eye contact and me throwing a shoe at him and we were off on a chase. He was so dead. Deader than dead.
"You're a real prick, you know that!" I yelled at him as I slid to a stop seeing him at the opposite end of the hall upstairs.
"Come on, Gil, you're over reacting." He laughed, his hand swatting at the air as if swatting away his actions from earlier.
"I really hate you."
"No you don't. I'm your best friend, of course!" He put his hands together and rubbed them almost evilly. He wore a sweet smile that contrasted like white on black. "So, when's the wedding? I'd love to be your best man."
"You're actually insane."
"But you two are so cute together, one can only assume-"
"Toni, I'm too tired for your shit." I rubbed my face with one hand trying to get the sleep off, my other hand going on my hip as I shifted my weight onto one leg.
"You're fault, you know."
"Shutup." I groaned. "It's hard enough trying to keep my cool around him, you really weren't helping me earlier."
"That's where you're wrong!"
"Wha-"
"When I yelled from upstairs, you guys were clearly struggling to carry your own conversation and by my intervention I gave you two some breathing room."
"Damn you."
"I'm clever, I know." He winked. "I told Francis, by the way."
"What'd he say?" I let my hand drop from my face.
"That he was going to have a long talk with Matthew about safety when get's to his house."
"He is really trying hard isn't he?"
"I say we let him go for it, if he wants to be a dad, let him try."
"It'll stay at just that, you know." I shook my head disappointed in Francis for trying so hard. "He's going to try to be something that those two don't want. They have loads of issues as it is, how does he expect to push through and at least get their trust?"
"You sound like you know a lot about that family."
"I know a bit about Matt, I'm just trying to put some things together and making an educated guess."
"Quite the genius as always."
"You know me," I relaxed. "I never change."
"That's true-say, why do you have the entire harry potter series open all at once opened to chapter six on your bed?"
"It's a ritual Toni."
"What kind of ritual?"
"To maybe one day summon myself to Hogwartz and leave my shit life behind. It has yet to work."
"Your life isn't shit, you literally just hooked up with your-possibly last-high school sweetheart."
"I wonder a little more every second how I can stand you."
"You're just used to me, is all."
"Whatever." I leaned onto the wall, the exhaustion finally getting to me. I reached out to him for help. "Toni, be a dear and carry me to my bed."
"You really didn't sleep, huh?"
"I didn't really have the time, no."
He laughed.
~
I woke up to a familiar little girl staring down at me. Her expression blank through the shadow of her hair covering any light onto her face as it cascaded down all around her. Her arms held her up from both sides of my head. She straddled me.
I could only stare back at her green eyes as they bored into my brain seemingly chaining me down on it. This was familiar, extremely familiar.
"It's you again." I found myself saying. Her expression didn't change. This girl was like the ghost that haunted my dreams. This same thing has occurred before.
"You've grown." She said. "Matured. That's very out of character."
"So now you're judging me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I thought you wouldn't change for my sake. I thought you would try to make everyone happy. This will make so many unhappy."
"What will?"
"Growing up."
"I already grew up."
"You haven't. Look at you, you're still in school. You're still so naive to trust people."
"I don't trust anyone."
"You're beginning to trust that Matthew fellow."
"I'm not."
"Quit denying it!" Her voice had grown loud, near shrieking. "You are going to lose everything the moment you let your guard down."
"How do you know?"
"You lost me." She shook above me. "You lost me because you trusted me because the world thinks you don't deserve happiness in the same way it thought I deserved to die. Admit it, you don't deserve happiness. Never did, never will."
"It's not a right, though. It's a privilege."
"I don't think one born into a poor life has the right or privilege of happiness."
"It's not the middle ages."
"You don't deserve it!" She screamed out. "Because you changed. Because you're not where you're supposed to be."
"And where am I supposed to be?"
"Dead."
"You're right."
"Then just die already!" She gave a crooked grin. "You were almost there before, what's still stopping you?"
"I have a life."
"Don't make me laugh. You don't have a life. You have people that know you but they can't possibly care enough because you don't trust them enough. You're own precious brother doesn't care. I bet they would all be indifferent. Just die and you'll see."
"I don't-"
"But you do want to, deep down inside. You can be smiling but that idea of dying, that question of why you're still here lingers in the back drilling into your head." She lifted a hand, cupping my cheek. Her thumb ran across my cheek gently. "So let me ask again, what's keeping you here?"
My eyes flicked open and I found a dark cieling watching back at me. I sat up. little light came from the small window on the wall. The door was closed and a bit of light from the hall seeped in. I slipped off my shirt feeling far too hot.
My hands found the scars all around, tracing them just as Matt had.
"It's a beautiful mess of a story." He had said. Yeah, right. It's anything but beautiful. Yet, his words still hit me for some reason. Maybe he's right. Maybe I really am looking at it all wrong.
Doubt it. The past can't be changed and I know I can still form the future but that's hard when the past is holding you back. And maybe I could say something. Maybe I could spill it all out to anyone who would listen. But I'm scared that they won't care or just laugh in my face.
I squeezed at my shoulders, rolling into myself to become smaller. I'm probably this shallow person that wouldn't care the least about. I'm boring and predictable all because I don't want people to find out about the past. I know Matt has yet to find that out. He's going to get sick of me quickly. I'll lose him then.
Just like I've lost everyone else. Just like I've lost Eliza and Rod and Francis and Toni and Luddy. I've lost then all to time. They're either dead or too different to be recognizable. Matt might change and grow to hate me or-god forbid-die.
He's really all I have left and I don't want to lose him. But I don't know how long I really will have to enjoy time with him.
Why am I still here? I looked around the room. It had grown darker but some things shined with the little light left. My grip on my shoulders tightened.
I'm a wimp, that's why.
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