Gil's POV

I was on the last few pages of The Order of the Phoenix when my phone notification rang. I ignored it because my reading is far more important than whatever that could be. My only guess was that it was Francis texting me something stupid. It chimed again. And again I ignored it. Then it started ringing. I ignored it again. A brief silence blissfully filled my room. Then it rang again. It was really starting to get on my nerves.

With a groan, I reached for my phone as the ring tone stopped. Two missed calls from Matt. Along with two texts from him. The phone lit up again and the ringing started up again. I answered this time.

"Matt?" I asked.

"Oh-thank-God." He mumbled. He took a deep breath. "Gil, I'm at your front door."

"Oh."

"Could you let me in? Please." His voice was noticeably quieter than usual.

"Why haven't you knocked?" I moved the book from my lap and got up from my bed.

"I was nervous. It's like ten at night on a Monday, it's weird."

"Give me second, alright."

"Okay." He hung up and I near rolled down the stairs from how fast I ran. I practically slammed against the door as I slid to a stop. Somehow, I managed to open it quietly and I was greeted to this look if utter despair on him. He was visibly shaking and he looked about ready to cry.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really?"

"It's a yes or no question, Matt."

"No." He looked down ashamed.

"Okay, get inside, it's cold." I moved to let him in. He hesitated before walking in. The door clicked as I closed it and locked it. "So, why did you come to my house?"

"I don't know." He didn't look at me, keeping his back to me. "This is just the first place I thought to go." He made his way to couch while I followed behind. Even when he sat down, he only looked down. "I couldn't really go anywhere else and I couldn't stand being home."

"That's kind of odd." I sat down right next to him, watching him.

"I know-except I don't-I don't know anything anymore." He sighed leaning his head into his hands. His arms propped onto his legs as one footed tapped anxiously. "My life's a goddamn mess."

"You want to explain why?"

"No." His voice cracked. "I just-" He cut himself off with a small choking sound and a quiet sob. "I'm sorry." He choked out.

I'm not very good around people who are crying. It makes me nervous because I'm never sure what to do. I'm afraid that I'll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. So, I sat there, frozen in place as Matt quietly sobbed. It hurt to just sit there and watch but what was I to do? I didn't even know what had him so upset. It would be almost impossible. How do people not panic over this? I could say anything here. The problem was that it could be wrong.

I quietly sighed. It was worth a try though.

"Matt." I said. His leg stilled. "Take a breath." He took this hiccup of a breath at first. Then another longer and shaky breath. "You're alive, you're breathing, your not starving. You're fine right now. Forget the outside world for a moment, alright." A sniffle or two later and he was uncurled, sinking into the couch. He looked tired but way calmer.

He took a deep breath, "I think that's why I came here."

"To escape the outside world?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't that what home is?"

"I guess."

"Then why aren't you at home?"

"Because my house never really feels like home to me."

"Why?" I know I'm asking too many questions. I'm just curious about what's going on with him.

"I don't know. I should be grateful for what I have but it always feels like something is missing."

"Well, you're here, not there, you're not in a very good place, so you have two options." I held up two fingers. He raised a brow in confusion. "Option one, explain to me what the hell had you break down." I put a finger down. "Option two, we could do whatever could distract you from it." I put the last finger down, letting my hand rest on my leg. He stared at me for a long moment, his expression oddly blank.

Then, he leaned over, his hands flying up to cup my cheeks. I barely registered his lips meeting mine. It was so light as first but then he pressed harder. I managed to surprise both him and myself with how fast I responded to it. He continued after a brief second of hesitation. There was a desperation to his lips. And it made me nervous, honestly. He was obviously not in a very stable state of mind. I'm not an asshole willing to take advantage of that.

Gently, I grasped his hands and peeled them off of me. I guided them to his chest and pulled my lips off of his. He looked confused and even disappointed.

"Matt, I don't think that's a good idea." I said, my voice soft.

"I know." He shakily sighed. "I should just go home." He moved to get up but I pulled him back into place.

"No, you walked all the way here for an escape and an escape is what I'll give you." I kept my voice firm. "I just don't think that you're really in the right state of mind for-uh-that."

"Could you please elaborate what you mean by 'that'?"

"I could but I don't think I would."

"You should."

"What is this? Poetry? I'm not going to, you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"I don't, really." He moved closer. His grasped finding my hands and he pushed back onto me. My only instinct was to move back. "Care to elaborate?"

"Matt, come on, don't do this."

"Do what?" A shit-eating grin grew onto his face. It was almost unsettling. I didn't really ponder it for too long because I fell and my back hit the couch cushions. I barely registered it but he was straddling me now. He's some kind of monster, I swear. "There's a lot that we could but this is by far the best thing to come to mind."

"You're ridiculous." His shrunk into a wicked smirk and he leaned down passed my face to my ear. His hot breath against my ear sent shivers down my spine.

"I'm not the one with a hard on." His voice was low and breathy. Shit.

"Yes you are, shut up."

"I beg to differ." He chuckled. "I'm kind of curious about how so little managed to work on you."

"Matt, this is ridiculous." He pulled back, his eyes boring into me seemingly digging imaginary craters. I swear I could feel it dig into my soul.

"You're ridiculous."

"I'm not the one who walked to someone's house in the middle of the night only to start sobbing and then try to seduce them."

"And, yet, you're falling for it."

"Can't really help it."

"And neither can I. Look, I've had a rough day, I came for a distraction."

"I don't think this is the best way to deal with things."

"You're right." He brought a hand up to push back his hair behind his ears. "But I've never been one to deal with things properly."

"I would protest but neither have I."

"So, you probably understand the desperation that comes with the feeling."

"Of course."

"Then let's get to it." He leaned but I stopped him by placing my hand on his lips.

"Or we could literally do anything else."

"You're a real prick." He pouted, sitting up again.

"Well, I'm sorry that sadness makes you horny." He flicked my forehead.

"You're the one who told me to forget about the outside world."

"Yeah and I didn't mean drop it in seconds either."

"I didn't drop it in seconds. I just kept looking at you."

"Cheesey."

"I'm being serious."

"I'm sure you are."

"I'm starting to question why I'm staying."

"Then leave if you want to." He didn't move.

"You're an ass."

"You're a real big baby."

"I'm an emotional wreck, Gil, of course I'm going to be a baby about it."

"You're 17, Matt."

"Still barely a kid."

"Yeah, sure, in that case you probably shouldn't be doing anything you're doing right now."

"Maturity doesn't mean age."

"I agree. You act like a five year old."

"I might just suffocate you, I swear."

"In my own home? I don't think so."

"Say, is there anyone else in the house?" He looked around the room as if checking for any signs of life.

"Yeah, why?"

"Are they asleep?" He looked back down to me.

"Yes. Where are you going with this?"

"Well, since there are people in the house, you might want to be real quiet."

"Are you still focused on sex?"

"Little bit, yeah." He shrugged. "Can't really help it."

"You're ridiculous."

"Whatever." His hands cupped my cheeks and leaned down, lips brushing against mine. "I'll have you know that I would never use you for my own benefit. Sure, I'm not in the greatest mental state but I feel better around you. Sex is just the icing on the cake."

"Quite the romantic, I see."

"I suppose." He let his lips drop on to mine. It was a long and drawn out kiss. As if we were relishing in the feeling. It was long before it heated up though. He was basically pushing a full on assault on my mouth. It made my brain basically shut down every other thought that wasn't about him and the moment at hand.

His hands found my chest and mine found his hips. It was almost like a dance. An oddly familiar feeling too. My hands move a bit lower, taking the time to squeeze his ass, of course. I drove a small whine out of him with it. My hands went down to his thighs. I made sure to have a good grip before pushing forward to sit up. He gasped and pulled away.

"What are you doing?" He asked, with a pant or two in between.

"I'd rather not be on the couch when we do this."

"I can see where you're coming from." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Are you sure you can carry me though?"

"Don't underestimate me." I move my legs to sit up completely. Readjusting my grip a bit, I stood up. He gasped again. "You're kind of light actually." I grinned.

"Weight doesn't matter, it all depends on where your grip is." I started walking to the stairs. "And based on your grip, you're really trying to be a tease."

"I'm not trying to actually."

"Yeah sure." He rolled his eyes.

"I'll drop you."

"You won't."

"You're right. Not on purpose anyway."

"What?"

"Stairs."

"If you don't want to carry me up the stairs, I have these magical things called legs that I can use."

"Alright." I dropped him down onto the highest step in my reach.

"I didn't actually mean it." He pouted at me.

"Too late, get up." I saw his gaze shift down.

"I actually kind of like it down here."

"Don't even think about it."

"How could you know what I was thinking? I could've been thinking about apples."

"I know for sure that you be are not thinking about apples."

"I'm just saying..." He trailed off, looking intensely at my crotch. He licked his lips.

"Matt." He looked up with a dazed expression. "We'll be able to hurry things up if you go upstairs."

"Okay." He stood up. His gaze never left me as he took a step backwards. We started something of a dance going up the stairs. I took a step forward as he took a step back.
We continued that way, getting closer and closer, until we got to the top. My impatience was really getting to me and I pushed forward to meet his lips. We hit the wall and shit hit the fan.

The kiss was desperate and sloppy. His hands tangled into my hair. My own trying to slip off his hoodie and shirt. It was struggle doing so much with my lungs screaming at me to breathing. Breathing was irrelevant when it came to this. This was much better than breathing.

I didn't notice his hands on my hips until he grinded onto me. I damn near started choking on air. The kiss broke, of course, and we were both panting like we just ran a mile. Ridiculous if you think about it. Not so ridiculous when you're stuck in the moment. And I didn't have a care in the world at this point. Actually I did have one but that was the obvious.

Reluctantly, I pulled back as far as I could. Which wasn't really all that far with his grip.

He frowned, "What the hell, Gil?"

"There are people sleeping." I whispered.

"What a damn shame for them."

"You get oddly pissy when you're turned on." I flicked his forehead. Somewhat of a payback for earlier. Insane how I managed to remember that at the moment. He frowned at me.

"You get annoyingly cocky."

"Hey, if you don't think me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." I grasped his hands on my hips and pulled them off.

"I will push you down the stairs."

"You won't." I stepped back. "Now follow me." I turned and started to my room. He followed behind. Not really. I was basically dragging him.

We made it to my room in no time. I walked in and the first thing I noticed was my little ritual sitting on my bed.

"What's with all those books?" Matt asked, walked up to the bed to look. I closed the door and went over to the bed too.

"Why are they all open to page 66?"

"Don't worry about it, I was reading before you came." I picked up each book, closing them in the process.

"You're not in some kind of cult are you?"

"Of course not! Unless you count being a Harry Potter fan as being a part of a cult." I piled all seven books on the floor.

"It basically is like being in cult."

"Well, shit."

"Don't worry, I'm just as much of a loser."

"What could make you that much of a loser?"

"My room."

"What?"

"It's full of posters-look I really would rather not think about my shitty posters." His eyes shifted around the room. "Your room is insanely clean." He spun around and sat down on my bed. His gaze still around the room.

"I like to keep things clean." He looked at me then. His brows going up and a bit of a smirk on his face. "Don't give me that look." I threw myself onto the bed, laying behind him. "You've got a lot of dirty things whirling in that head of yours."

"I'm a hormonal teenager same as you."

"Just barely." I rolled my eyes. "Maybe you're a masochist."

"I don't get turned on by pain?" He turned to my with a pout.

"I beg to differ." I smirked.

"You're ridiculous."

"Ridiculous is a ridiculous word."

"Why do I bother with you?" He shook his head. The bed dipped as he moved to crawl on top of me. He laid on me.

"Admit it, I'm ridiculously awesome."

"You're something." His expression softened. Growing somewhat somber. I looked up at the cieling. I was curious to really understand that look. It's like he was coming down from a brief high. I looked back down to him. He had his ear to my chest, listening. He was looking off, his eyes looking distant.

"Why are you here?" I let my fingers comb through his hair, relaxing him slightly.

"What would you do if your friend tried to kill himself?"

"I can tell you what I wouldn't do." I frowned. Some memories flooding back in one blink. I swallowed as if swallowing those down. "I wouldn't ignore it or ask why until he'd want to tell me why or even just let it happen in the first place. Or even try it myself." My voice was barely a whisper at this point. "Or blame myself." I took a breath. "Point is that there's never one reason for someone to do it so what you should do is be careful. Especially when it comes to Lovino."

"You knew?"

"Toni told me."

"Oh."

"It's shitty, I know, but everything will be fine."

"I know I just wish I knew why he did it."

"You'll know eventually." I thought back to the other day. The image of despair on Lovino's face flashed by. "But I can say for sure that's it's more than one thing."

"It always is."

"Has this ever happened before?"

"Not with Lovino but I've known people before..." He trailed off, holding himself back.

"It's alright." I wrapped both my arms around him. "You don't have to tell me everything."

"Okay."

A long moment of silence went by. His breathing gradually slowed. His eyes shut even slower. He fell asleep while I counted how many stars I could see if the cieling wasn't there.

Toni's right. Looking at the present is fucking sad. I can't possibly know how shitty it is for Matt since he knew Lovino so well but I know it's awful if he's this much of a mess over it. I should feel something from this too but I just don't. I guess I'm trying really hard to push back form breaking down here and now. Probably.

I'm honestly more happy than I should be. Usually, I'm sitting here alone. Instead, he's here with me. It feels selfish to say that I'd like to stay like this.

"It's okay." I found myself saying. "Everything sucks but you're okay for the most part and that's the best you can be." I found myself drifting. Edges growing dark. "It's okay." I whispered and drifted off.