Chapter 51:

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!" Ethan exclaims from the drivers seat of his car as we sit in the garage.

See a few minutes before this outburst. I may have confessed to a small side quest I forced my bestfriends to be a part of in attempts of saving him.

"Sammy... on top of this being one of the dumbest things I ever heard, it's also one of the most dangerous things you couldve done. What is wrong with you? Why didn't you just come to me?" He lectures.

Truth be told I have no clue. Even though i hated him at that time the thought of that man knocking on my door and my mom telling him Ethan was there scared me tremendously. I had to jump into action. He was way too close for comfort and I needed some type of leverage over him. I had proof of him selling to a minor.

"I wasnt thinking Ethan, he came to our neighborhood knocking on doors, okay? I needed something on him. Something that could ensure our safety." I say and Ethan just sighs. Pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

I know he's disappointed. I dont blame him. It was dumb.

"Wheres the video?" He asks and I pull out my phone to show him. I myself hadnt even looked. I was occupied with trauma.

We take a look and I realize Gabbie had only really gotten his face, he had handed me the drugs so discreetly that it looked like we were just having a normal conversation.

I throw my head back in complete defeat. Not only did i not help Ethan at all, I really just destroyed everything I worked so hard to build by buying those drugs. I had been taking them this whole time.

"This shows nothing." He says and I sigh.

"I'm so sorry Ethan. I thought.... I dont know what I was thinking." Is all I could say.

My blood was beginning to boil. It seemed like my life was filled with impossible situations. One after the other and I didnt know at this point if it was the world around me or just me. Sometimes I think I'm truly the problem.

Therapy, drugs, prayer none of it seemed to fix the way my brain worked. I self destruct everytime. I just want for one day, hell one second of sanity.

"Sammy I'm not angry with you, I thought we would figure this out together, so I wont lie I am disappointed, but I also know the context behind it. You jumped into action and I love you for that, but please for the love of God, never do anything like this again." He says to me and I nod in submission.

"I promise." I tell him.

I may have confessed to buying the drugs but i lied about throwing them out. I still have them and part of me wanted to tell him, that little part of me that knew I didn't need drugs to be happy wanted to scream it but the part of me that feeds off of those drugs wouldnt allow it. I hadnt taken a pill in days but just the fact that they were a ziploc bag away gave me an unethical amount of comfort.

I still had the weed too. I havent smoked it because I know the smell will give me away pluse I know no one would judge me that bad for smoking a little pot. I just didnt want anyone to know i was doing drugs at all. I wanted everyone to think I was fine.

" Im tired of being so serious all the time. We will figure out a way to get him, but for now can we just...exist? Exist in a world where you arent in jail and your sister isnt in a coma and im not selling drugs and Seth isnt skipping school. Can we exist here, right now in this perfectly imperfect world, together?" Ethan says and I cant help but smile.

" Oh, Ethan. Of course." I say grabbing his hand and smiling at him. He smiles back putting his free hand on top of our intertwined ones.

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"Noooo way!" Sarah exclaims from the other room.

Of course me being nosey, I peek my head in her room to see her on the phone and I turn my ear so that i could hear it all.

"Are you serious? Dont you dare lie to me!" She says and my ears get even closer.

" Travis, If you're joking rn I will scream." She warns, now I know shes talking to Travis.

"Babyyyy, thats amazing I'm soooo proud of you!" She says with a big smile on her face and just when I was going to fully enter the room to congratulate something i have no knowledge of, her smile fades into the saddest face I've ever seen her make. Her once excited tone turned into a shakey version of her voice.

"How long?" She asks and my once nosiness turned into concern for my baby sister. She looked so hurt.

" No... no. Im still so happy for you I just didnt think it would be so far...and so long." She says wiping the singular tear that falls down her face.

"Okay well call me when you get everything sorted. I love you. Bye." She hangs up and throws her face in her pillow screaming. Thats when I knock.

She looks up fast quickly wiping her tears. Then shes sees its me and starts to cry again opening her arms for a hug. Of course I go and hug her. Not saying anything just being here for her. I dont know exactly whats happening I just know she needs me.

"Sammy, I dont know what to do." She says between sobs.

"Whats going on sweetie?" I ask.

"Travis has been trying for months to join our schools early college program. He's extremely passionate about Social Economics. Well our school only has generic programs like business, education, and healthcare. They didnt have what he wanted so he advocated for himself and ended up doing it so well they're sending him to their sister school in New York for 2 semesters. Im so happy for him and so broken at the same time. I mean I can barely remember things and Im so clumsy and I dont know i just feel like I've moved backwards and hes moving forward and i just dont want to hold him back." She vents. I sigh and rub her back, still holding her tight.

"You have every right to feel every crazy contradictory emotion thats coming to you right now. You're not crazy for being happy and sad. Its unfortunate, its inconvenient, but its not the end all be all of your relationship. You want a man who's chasing his passions and going for what he loves." I say and she lets out a deep sigh.

"I just dont want him to doubt his decisions or think he has to stay because of me, but I cant sit here and act like him leaving isn't going to hurt. It hurts just thinking about it." She says and I push her hair out her face.

"Make sure he knows that you support him, but also let him know that you'll miss him and that he wont be forgotten over here. That you'll be here waiting for him when he gets back." I say and she nods.

"Thank you Sammy." She says with a slight smile, the biggest she could muster and gives me a tight hug.

"I love you." I say and kiss her forehead before getting up and giving her her space.

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Fur Elise plays as I sit in my bed contemplating what I'll do for the majority of my day, when I get a call out of the blue. I pause my music and answer, not looking at the caller ID.

"Hello!" I answer.

"Oh, so you're alive?" I hear a familiar voice say.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask, confused.

"I've been texting you. I wanted to see if you still wanted to hang out tonight but after a while i just got concerned." He says and I smack my forehead.

"I completely forgot we had plans to hang tonight! You wanna come over?" I ask and he chuckles.

" Send me the addy." He says.

"Will do!" I say, sending him my location and hanging up.

"Omw" he sends.

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20 minutes go by and I hear my door bell.

I go to get the door but am beat by Ethan.

Brian smiles down at Ethan and then his eyes meet mine as I stand in the middle of the stairs.

"Hey?" He says confused and Ethan clears his throat.

"Hey." Ethan and I say at the same time.

After the awkward silence is over, Ethan opens the door wider and I finally make it down the stairs. Brian steps in after Ethan's gesture of invitation.

"I brought tacos." He says holding up a bag.

"I love tacos." Ethan says and grabs the bag from him, walking to the kitchen. Brian stood confused for a second and then makes his way to the kitchen as well. I trail behind even more confused because I'm just now realizing how awkward this is. I havent explained anything to Brian.

As far as Brian knows, Ethan is my overly involved ex. I never specified our living arrangements or that we're still friends. The last time he saw me interact with him I was a complete ass to him.

And then my brain started spinning more. Was Brian someone more than a friend? Would it be weird for him and my ex who im still madly in love with to be interacting? Am I doing the whole Etjan Alex shit again? Because I cannot take another love triangle. I like Brian and honestly if I didnt think about Ethan every 5 seconds he would be my first choice. But not only am i not ready for a relationship, im not over my last one. For goodness sake he still lives with me.

"So are you guys back togetherrr or?" Brian breaks the silence.

"Oh! Hahaha No! We're just friends."
"We're working on it."
We both stop and look at each other.

"We're working on it."
"We're just friends."
We stop and look at each other again.

"No." I just say to answer his question without confusing myself more.

"Thanks for the taco, I'm gonna go." Ethan says and walks to the patio.

"Im so sorry if this is rude or awkward that my ex just took our tacos when it was supposed to be just us, it wont happen again but you should know Im not ready to date. I really love being your friend though, but if that changes anything I completely understand."

I sigh a breathe of relief as I finish my rant and look over to Brian who looked like he was holding back laughter.

"What?" I ask and his shoulders bounce intensely as he tries not to choke on his taco with laughter.

Once he finally composes himself and swallows his food he looks to me and says, "Sammy, I think I should let you know something."

"What?" I ask weerily

"I'm a raging homosexual." He says and my mouth drops open.

"Ohhhhh." Is all that could come out.

"Im so sorry if I made you think I was flirting or leading you on. I just... I'm not open to everyone right off the bat because not everyone responds well to it." He says and I shake my head.

"No, dont apologize. Im a freaking idiot. It all makes sense. No wonder you didnt react to my boobs." I say. Every last one of our interactions playing in my head. Him never once acting like a straight teenage boy, not even a straight teenage boy who was raised right would simply not react to boobs.

He laughs and nods his head to the patio.

"So now that thats clear, you and Ethan? Whats going on there?" He asks and i sigh.

"Whats going on is, I love him and Im a hot mess and I just cant be someones girlfriend right now." I say and Brian nods.

" I get that, but from the looks of it, I'd say you can do just about anything and he wouldn't be going anywhere." Brian says and it leaves me thinking.

Would Ethan really accept every bit of me? He already knows some of the bad and he's stuck by my side, but he doesnt know everything and I fear telling him everything would ruin the little good we do have. I mean I ended things with him because he was dealing drugs, what would he think of me if he knew I was taking them?

I bite my taco with my mind swirling.
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Hello Readers,

I knooow, I knoooww. I promised a chapter last year and gave you silence. Im terrible and Im sorry.

I will be a lot more active guys i promise. I just have been going through the qorst of personal problems that i wont bore you with. Just know i never stopped thinking about this book, the fans of my writing and the characters. I have so much love for this book the characters and the supporters. Wattpad is my comfort place and im sorry i lost sight on that for a moment. I love you thank you so much for reading💙💙💙