Chapter 31: Memorial

"Ethan... honey is that what you want?" My mother asks carefully, trying to look into Ethan's puffy red eyes.

"Yeah, my mom loved Daisies." He says blankly, still looking into space. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Ethan, we don't have to do this now, if you want to rest you can." My mother says to him.

He shakes his head.

"No, it's been 4 days, and I haven't rested yet. This just needs to be done. It's important." He says and my mom nods understandingly.

"Well... sense we've got the flowers out of the way, do you want to write the eulogy?" She asks and he finally looks up at her.

"I don't know if anybody else could. All my mom and I had were my aunt and little cousin, and they were barely around either." He says looking down at his hands.

   I grab his hand and he leans his head on my shoulder.

   "Okay, well all I need for you is to write that, write down some contacts for me and is there anything your mom used to wear a lot that you would want her to get buried in?" My mom asks and he shakes his head no.

   "My mom was always super comfortable, she barely ever left the house. I can just buy a dress or something." He says.

   "Don't worry about it honey, I'll do it." My mom says with a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

    "Thank you." He says and my mom stands up.

    "Eulogy and contacts, if you need help with any of that, come straight to me." My mom says and walks away.

    Ethan sighs and looks at me.

    "Want to eat something? You haven't been able to stomach anything for days." I ask and he sighs once again.

"I guess I can try." He says and I grab my keys and grab his hand. We both stand up and walk out the front door, to the car.

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"What do you want?" I ask and he sighs as he looks through the menu.

"Can we just share something? I'm not sure if I'll eat." He asks and I sigh.

I hate seeing him so depressed, it literally kills me and now that he's my boyfriend, I feel a lot more guilty when I can't make him feel better.

"You want to share chicken strips and fries?" I ask and he nods.

When the waiter comes and I make our order, by the time I look back at Ethan he has tears in his eyes.

"Ethan, what's wrong?" Stupid question, I know, but he never cried in public and not out of nowhere.

"I'm just...I just can't believe this." He says and I hold his hand.

"I know, and I'm just so mad that I can't make you feel better." I say on the verge of tears.

  "It's not just that, it's like it's been the worst week of my life... but also the best." He says while looking me in my eyes and then I do cry.

   He squeezes my hand and I rest my chin in my other.

   "I wish I could make it better." I say again and close my eyes, trying to contain the river that's coming from them.

   "You are making it better, you have no idea how bad this could have gone without you in my life and when I get my shit together, I'm gonna spend all my time making it up to you." He says and I look at him, trying not to gush at how sincere he's being.

   "I don't doubt that." I say and he smiles, it's been days sense he's done that. Sadly, as quick as the smile came is as quickly as it left.

   "I feel guilty for living." He says croaking his words.

  "Ethan, your mom wouldn't want you to think like that. She's not in pain anymore, she's not suffering. Yeah, it's going to be hard as hell to live without her, but it shouldn't be in this way. Don't feel guilty, live for her, smile for her, love for her." I say. I don't know where all this motivation came from.

   I was feeling super sad too and honestly super depressed. I was soaking his emotions in like a puppy, but something came over me when he said that.

   It's like my mouth just said words. That happens to me when I'm nervous, but it never actually helped a situation it just was always random and not what I meant to say at all. Just now though, unbelievable, I was actually supposed to say those words.

   "God, what would I do without you? It's like... you keep me breathing." He says and I cry again.

   "You know.... funerals are for closure, do you think that this funeral will bring you that?" I ask and he stays silent for a while.

   "I think, I'm already feeling it. I just don't want to miss her so much, but I can't help it." I nod and grab his shoulders.

   "I'll help you, I-I don't know how, but we'll figu-...." I say looking him in his eyes and his emotion changed.

  I stop in my tracks because I was just so stuck... in his eyes. His plain chocolate brown eyes.

I've looked into many brown eyes, but his eyes weren't just any eyes.

Something about them brought me peace.

  "You were saying something?" He asks and I smile.

  "We're in this together." I say and he smiles back at me, pecking my lips with his sweet kisses.

   "Where are our chicken tenders?" He says with a frown on his face and I couldn't help but giggle.

   He looks behind me, in attempt to eye out our food, but to no avail.

    "You are so cute when you're hungry." I say and he scoffs at me waving his hand of dismissal.

   "You should see me when I'm sleepy." He says, raising an eyebrow and I couldn't help but laugh my little heart out.

   I didn't know how much I missed Ethan's laugh until I heard it. I love that laugh and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make him happy.

    He deserves it.

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January 29th

   "I know a lot of you here today didn't even know my mom, but it means a lot to me that you came here to support me and before I start this Eulogy, I just want to thank the Taylor family for welcoming me with open arms and helping me with these arrangements. Today, we came to celebrate the life of my mother and I'm not really the most religious, but I'd like to think that she's up there singing with the angels and feeling like a cloud. I can never give enough thanks to that woman, she was my rock. She always wanted to provide even if it was physically impossible for her to. She'd want to pick me up when I fall. Even though I knew she was always in pain, she never cried in front of me, not once. She was the strongest woman I know. She held my hand through everything. She taught me how to be a man and whenever I fell short, she would give me a kiss on the forehead and tell me ' when a real man slips, he stays on the floor to catch his breath, not jump up and make the same mistake.' When I was a kid I had no clue what that meant." He takes a breath and the crowd chuckles and so does he.

  "But now I realize that she told me, in order to improve, we sometimes have to take a step back and realize what we NEED to improve and that has gotten me through life and will continue to. Before I close out, I just want to let you know that, people come and go, but words can last forever. Tell everyone that you love and appreciate that you love and appreciate them." He says and looks around the room.

   His eyes lock on mine.

"So to everyone in this room, I love you." He says without breaking eye contact with me and my heart fell to my ankles.

The crowd in unison tells him that they love him too, but I stay frozen.

  Part of me knows that he was talking to the whole room, but the other part of me knew exactly what he was doing.

   I know I love this boy, am I in love with him? I don't know, I don't even know what that feels like.

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The funeral was over, and we were all unloading food from our cars and walking it into the kitchen after the repast.

   When everyone was busy in the kitchen I felt arms pull me to the hallway between the stairs and front door.

   I look up to see Ethan looking down at me.

   "Hey." I say smiling and swaying my dress.

   "Hey." He says and smiles.

   "How ya feeling?" I ask and he tucks my stray hair behind my ear and keeps his hand there.

   "I'm feeling... closure." He says with a reassuring smile which makes me smile.

   He pulls in for a kiss, but I stop him.

   "I love you too." I say and he smiles, continuing to kiss me.

  "I knew you'd catch on." He says with a wink and a quick peck to the lips before dragging me back to the kitchen.