Achmed

soldiers

Ricky P.O.V.

I watched as some army of people in red suits came into view. A white-haired girl came over who looked to be around my age.

"He's here!" The girl yelled. 

I heard music in the distance and I decided to listen in.

Barry P.O.V.

"No what is she doing!?" Tim yelled at the screen.

"I have no idea but this should be good."

Ricky P.O.V.

I slid down the dune of sand and heard the ongoing conversation. That was when I realized that Achmed wasn't Slade but he was Jackson Kaldur's best friend who always seemed to be capable of murder. I always forgot about him for some reason.

"All because of that ungrateful, odious, pretty, beautiful, beautiful princess. It's never going to happen. A girl like her. A guy like me. I'm not handsome of the face." He was interrupted.

"No!" A random soldier that looked like Kori said pointing at him.

"Silence! I have this weird sticky-uppy nose and this ridiculous mustache. I should just shave it!"

I chuckled from a distance looking at the mustache that looked plastered to his face. "I would have sicked a tiger on him too." I whispered agreeing with Jasmine who must have been there before I got trapped here.

There was more talking and then there was singing.

"In your homeland, you're a legend."

"All the people know your name"

"On the battlefield and off you are superior"

"I know, in the kingdom, though, I'm finding that my only claim to fame is an incident involving my posterior."

"Posterior,"

"Please, I've won scores of bloody wars and mopped the floors with my foes but no one remembers Achmed. I've eviscerated peasants from their heads down to their toes but no one remembers Achmed. Say my name in these parts and you'll get a vacant stare until you mention tigers or spotted underwear."

"Spotted underwear!"

"So to restore my repute as a fierce fearsome brute, there's only one route I see, arrange the slaughter of millions of innocent civilians then they'll remember me. Their kingdom has oppressed us for years but I've been ignored for too long. We're going to war!"

"Caked in mud or drenched in blood you smell as fresh as a flower."

"I know."

"But no one remembers Achmed."

 "Less!"

"But no one remembers Achmed."

"Back home I was a hero ladies trembled when I spoke but here the women treat me like a throwaway joke."

"Throw him away."

"I'm a god on Earth but darn it even deities incarnate now and then can feel a little insecure."

"Insecure."


"All I want is some affection. This rejection's almost too much to endure..."


"To endure look at all he must endure."

"Am I not a thing of beauty, don't you want a piece of this. Wouldn't you gladly give up all of your worldly possessions just to greet me when I come home from a one-sided massacre and bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue?"


"You ooze sex when you flex those impeccable pecs"

"But the princess rejects me still. She may not love me yet but I'm willing to bet that once I kill all her people she will..."


"Yes, she will yes she absolutely will."


"Let them laugh, that's just fine but the last laugh will be mine."


"'Cause they can't laugh when they're all dead. I'll make them all regret the day they chose to forget."

"What's that name everyone?"


"Tiger fucker!"


"No! Like I said, what's that name?"


"You're the cock of the walk with abs as hard as a rock. Nevermore will they mock you Achmed."

"He fucked a tiger."


"I did not fuck a tiger!"


"They'll remember Achmed... They'll remember Achmed... They'll remember Achmed..."


"They'll remember me..."


"Tiger fucker, tiger fucker, Achmed is a tiger fucker! They'll remember Achmed
the tiger fucking man!"

I sat clapping at the top of the sand dune when they came marching up.

"Princess, what a surprise to see you here." Achmed said as I finished laughing. 

"Why? I do live here." I said raising an eyebrow. 

"Your kingdom and mine are going to war! Unless... you agree to marry me."