AEIRYN

LOOKING at him from afar, made me think if Mom was right. Did I really fall for him for real? Did I really let him took me the first time months ago because my heart and body knew that I would fall for him eventually?

"Dapat hindi mo na lang ipinasa sa akin kung sa araw-araw na gagawin ng Poong Maykapal, nandito ka sa tabi ko at nakikibantay," Missy said with a teasing voice.

"I'll go now—"

"Imbes na naglalabing-labing kami ng asawa ko, binabantayan ko 'tong fake husband mo na binabantayan mo rin naman. Ang denial queen mo, Aeiryn, jusko ka!" she said cutting me off and I gave him a serious look.

Muli kong binalingan ng tingin si Ryl na ngayon ay tila busy sa telepono niya.

"Huhulaan ko, b-in-lock mo siya?" ani Missy muli saka tumawa. "Kahit hindi mo aminin, alam ko naman na b-in-lock mo siya, kasi nag-email siya sa Phyrric—"

"Callia told you?" kunot-noong tanong ko.

"Nope. Pakialamera si Jice kaya nalaman namin," tumatawang sagot niya sa akin. "Sinubukan din niyang pumasok sa Phyrric kahapon, kaso hinarang ni Aeidan. Nagsabi yata si Lindzzy sa kaniya ng impormasyon na nakuha ni Lindzzy kay Jice."

Why do I feel so irritated right now? Bakit ba kulang na lamang ay bakuran nila ako? Bakit halos lahat sila ay gustong alamin ang itinatakbo ng buhay ko? Don't I deserve my own privacy? Are these the perks of being the only woman in my generation?

"Once and for all, Aeiryn, may nararamdaman ka na ba talaga rito sa Ryl na ito? Kasi kung ako ang tatanungin mo, nakikita kong seryoso siya sa 'yo. Hindi man ako magaling sa mga ganitong bagay at marupok ako, pero alam ko naman kung kailan totoo ang isang tao at kung kailan hindi," aniya at saka ako nginitian.

I don't know the answer, Missy. Kung alam ko, wala ako rito ngayon.

Kinuha ko ang telepono ko at tiningnan ko ang messages sa blacklist ko at hindi na ako nagulat nang makita ko ang sunod-sunod na messages niya sa akin.

Sandali ko siyang in-unblock para lamang mabasa ang mga iyon nang bigla na lamang tumunog nang walang tigil ang telepono ko at numero niya ang rumehistro.

"Sagutin mo na," pang-aasar ni Missy kaya't lumayo ako sa kaniya para tanggapin ang tawag.

"At long last. Where are you? What are you doing right now? Please answer me. I want to see you. I want to talk to you. Let's fix things between us—"

"Walang aayusin. Walang tayo, Ryl. Refrain from messaging me and please, stop bugging the people around me. And don't involve our organization with this," sagot ko sa kaniya.

"Kung natitiis mo 'ko, hindi ko kayang gawin 'yon sa 'yo. You're making me insane, Lez. Hindi ko na alam saan pa ako babaling huwag lang kitang maaalala. Every freaking second of the day, gusto ko na lang pabayaan ang lahat ng responsibilidad ko at hanapin ka, pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi kita makita. How can I continue searching for someone na ayaw naman magpahanap?"

Ramdam na ramdam ko na ang hinanakit sa boses niya.

"Ryl, listen to me," I said in very serious tone. "You deserve someone worthy of your attention and that's definitely not me. I could never give you my whole. I could never bear to see you being so contented sa kakarampot na kaya ko lang ibigay. One more thing, your thing with Eunice, just a friendly advice, cut ties with her now—"

"I already did . . . a long time ago, and believe it or not, noong bumalik siya, alam kong wala na. If you're still bothered about her, I want you to know that I asked a social worker to take her away. I don't want anyone, Lez, ikaw lang. It's you I want in my life. I'm begging you, please tell me where you are," muli niyang putol na paliwanag sa akin.

Nilingon ko ang kinaroroonan niya at nakita ko siyang nagkukumahog na nagsusuot ng suit habang nakadikit pa rin ang telepono sa tainga niya.

"I'm dropping the call now, Ryl. I have to deal with my own shadow first. Kapag kaya ko nang tanggapin at aminin sa 'yo, I'll show myself in front of you," anas ko at akmang ibababa na ang tawag nang bigla na naman siyang magsalita.

"I'll wait for you. I am more than willing to be a tool for you. Gamitin mo ako, ayos lang. Saktan mo 'ko, ayos lang. Just please . . . please, Lez, let me love you beside you. Gusto kitang mahalin sa malapit. I don't care about your past nor about your secrets. I didn't fall for the Aeiryn Lez from your past, I fell for my Lez who could be herself in front of me. I don't fucking care about anything, all I care and need is you. Maghihintay ako."

Hindi na ako nakasagot sa huling sinabi niya. Ibinaba ko na ang tawag at kagat-labing napatingin sa kawalan. Nakatatakot ang ganitong bagay, aminin ko man o hindi. Pakiramdam ko ay may mali, pero tama, pero mali pa rin sa huli kahit na ano pa man ang gawin ko. Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari na para bang ang hirap sabayan.

I don't know, Ryl. Pinakamahirap mahalin ang taong hindi buo o hindi pa muling nagagawang buoin ang sarili niya.

HAVE I gone insane? What in the world I was thinking? Why was I even here? Was I just too drunk? Or . . . Was I really out my mind?

I stared at the dark green gate and smiled bitterly.

If only I wasn't too close minded before, my ending could've had been different. If only I was more than willing to listen, I didn't become this miserable. But maybe . . . just maybe, I had to focus on the lesson than the mistake.

I placed my hand inside my pocket only to reach for the key. I smiled bitterly again as I saw the key with the panda keychain.

***

"How many children do you want, lovey?" he asked out of nowhere while he was fixing the biggest horse figurine on the shelf.

"Why did you even ask? May sumpa ang pamilya namin. Isang beses lang akong puwedeng magka-anak," I responded and he gave me a naughty grin.

"Lovey, I can give you an octuplets if you want me to," he said with a very mischievous tone.

Bumaba siya ng mini ladder, saka naglakad papalapit sa akin. He was really handsome and one of a kind. I could say no bad words for him. He was the most understanding man I had ever met and he was the real definition of a man . . . he was literally the standard.

"Aren't you regretting choosing me over those girls drooling for you?" I asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Why would I regret? I own the woman that any man would drool for. I am a one lucky bastard," he replied laughing.

His laughs were sexy as hell. If only my self-control wasn't that established, I could've had asked him to take me right now.

He was about to kiss me when we heard a loud knock from the door that startled us both.

Magkapanabay kaming lumakad at tinungo ang pintuan. Nanlaki pa ang mga mata ko nang makita ko si Kuya Aeignn na basang-basa ang suot na damit gawa ng malakas na ulan at masamang-masama ang tingin sa akin.

"We're going home now, Aeiryn Lez," said Kuya Aeignn that gave me uneasiness.

"Why are you here, Kuya? What are you doing here?" I almost stuttered but gladly I didn't.

I felt the man beside me grabbed my hand and held it tightly. "Bro, ihahatid ko—"

"Shut your fucking mouth before I fucking shoot it," Kuya Aeignn exclaimed that almost left my mouth open. I was stunned. I was shocked.

"What the hell is your goddamn problem, Kuya?! What the real fuck are you doing right now?!"

"You're coming with me whether you like it or not. Don't make me repeat my words. I could do a bigger mess," he said full of warning.

Hindi ko alam ang iaakto. Pahigpit din nang pahigpit ang kapit niya sa kamay ko na halos ayaw na niya akong pakawalan.

"Please, ihahatid ko siya. Ako na ang bahala. Huwag natin daanin sa init ulo—"

"I SAID SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ANY WORDS FROM YOU! YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER!" galit na bulalas ni Kuya Aeignn na lalong bumigla sa akin.

I had never seen my Kuya this mad. He was good at assessing the situation and not like this. May mabigat siyang pinag-uugatan at natatakot akong malaman ang bagay na iyon.

"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, KUYA! LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE! MATANDA NA AKO AT KAYA KO ANG SARILI KO! WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS!? ANONG PROBLEMA MO!? WE ARE DESIGNING OUR HOUSE TAPOS BIGLA KA NA LANG DARATING ONLY TO DO THIS KIND OF MESS WITHOUT ANY VALID REASON!? ARE YOU INSANE?!" I blurted out. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko.

Akmang hahatakin ko na muli papasok ng bahay ang lalaking nasa tabi ko nang biglang haklitin ni Kuya Aeignn ang braso ko para iharap ako sa kaniya, saka ako binigyan ng isang malakas na sampal sa pisngi na ikinagulat ko nang husto.

"K–Kuya—"

"Please, Aeiryn! Fucking listen to me and fucking obey me!" I could sense desperation and frustration in his voice pero nananaig pa rin sa akin ang pagkabigla ng ginawa niya sa akin.

That was the first time Kuya Aeignn laid a hand on me. I was his baby. I was his favorite. I was his little girl. He never hurt me before. Kuya Aeignn could never stand see me hurting, and now . . . he was the one who did it.

"W–why are you doing this to me? What did I do? What did we do? Alam kong ayaw mo sa kaniya. You never like any man—"

"Because you deserve better. Our only girl deserves the best. You deserve the highest and best. I don't want to see you settling for less, Aeiryn," he said almost in pain and I had no fucking idea why.

"He's the best, Kuya. Alam n'yo kung gaano ko siya inilaban sa lahat. I love him. We all have our own flaws and imperfections, and he's not an exception, but . . . he's the most perfect for me, Kuya. He is and he will always be. Now, back off, let me live my life the way I want to. Let me live the life I want to live. If I ever ended up hurting, I'll blame myself. Please . . . I'm begging you, leave both of us alone."

Nakita kong napayuko si Kuya Aeignn at iiling-iling na tinapunan ng masamang tingin ang lalaking nasa tabi ko.

"A single tear from her because of you and I'll fucking drag you to the deepest pit of hell," he said as he stormed out of our sight.

Bumaling ako sa lalaking kanina pa ako hawak, saka ako biglang niyakap nang mahigpit.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for loving you this way. Sana iba na lang ang minahal ko. Sana hindi na lang ikaw para hindi ganito ang sinasapit mo. I'm sorry, lovey. I'm sorry for dragging you into this kind of situation," he whispered.

I tightened my hug at him. "What are you sorry for? For choosing me? For loving me? Wala namang magulo sa sitwasyon natin. Hindi lang siguro nila matanggap sa ngayon na kaya ko na ang sarili ko, na may sarili na akong mga desisyon—"

"That you chose a married man to be the love of your life? Hindi nila maiintindihan ang bagay na iyon, lovey. Hindi kahit kailan nila maiintindihan na pinili mo 'ko kahit na alam mong napakakomplikado ng sitwasyon na mayroon tayo."

***

I was a homewrecker before, and that was my biggest regret and secret.

The high and mighty Aeiryn Lez Freezell-- Ricafort was a fucking mess, a homewrecker, a slut, a whore . . . kabit.

--

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