Long had it been since Vaughan had felt an attraction for anyone, and this is what he pondered as his tea grew cold and his stomach full of only doubt and worry, breakfast forgotten next to the clean sheet of paper that lay in front of him as he stared, pen hovering over sheets of white as if they held the answer and not his own mind.

'I wish I could be just a little more like-' 

His brothers name lingered silently at the end of the thought, but the image of the older man floated in his mind against his will. 

Dawson, taller, thinner, more successful in many ways, and smarter. He was social, always able to charm , had swept Sydney instantly off her feet, and Vaughan had always watched them, watched even more his parents, and wonder how it was possible to love someone so much. How was it possible to let someone so close?

Groaning he put his head in his hands gripping his hair. 

An ache was growing behind his eyes that he wanted to will away, a flash of a hand-disfigured and weak- raised in his minds eye and he quickly stood with a sharp intake of breath, knocking over the tea which left him grumbling and cursing. 

Half way through patting himself dry and throwing the soiled papers in the rubbish bin he heard a soft knock.

Towel still in his hand as he stood at the desk, he pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses sighing softly as he tilted his head back, "Yes? Who is it?" His voice may have been strangled, but his manners remained.

"Uncle Vaughan?"

Vaughan blinked, before glancing the clock-7am the boy was never up before 830! and 9 was his normal- cursed himself mentally. 

Throwing the door open he saw the boy, eyes red rimmed wide eyed and cheeks with telling tracks not fully dried down his round cheeks.

"Oh dear," Vaughan knelt, and scooped Xavier up much as he had in the past years on similar nights. Those nights had seemed so long ago that, now, Vaughan ever cursed the thought that Xavier hadn't needed more of him. 

Yes he had inquired to the boy- put to bed with the others as a sleep over with many treats and comforts from Amelia, Bradly and even Kiber. 

Though Vaughan admonished himself, nothing was like that of a close family member-especially when ones parents were not present.

Xavier wasted no time in clinging to his neck like a koala, wrapping his skinny legs around Vaughans middle as he juggled the boy to one arm as so to gently close the door.

"Did you have a bad dream about those men?" He carried the boy over to the bed, barefoot still in his pajamas with no robe Vaughan was certian he must be a bit chilly. 

The head shook side to side, and Vaughan felt wet tears on his neck. 

Sliding into the bed with the boy, he pulled the comforter up over the both of them, tried to dislodge the little arms with no success, gave up and began rubbing circles into the small boney back.

"Was it of. . . .are you missing mommy and daddy?"

His heart twisted and he felt sick as he said the words.

Another shake of the head and more silent tears. 

Vaughan frowned, trying to look down to the little face but only was met with a head of messy dark curls. 

"I don't know how I can help you my dear, unless you come on out and tell me about your nightmare."

The hands tightened around his neck, and he held back a sigh of frustration. 

This was why he wasn't a father. He never knew what to say- what to do. It never seemed right! Oh how he tried for Xavier, but time and time again he admonished himself, he failed to make up any measure of worthiness to the title of parent. 

'I barely manage to be a good enough Uncle, never mind a replacement for Dawson.'

The thought sent sadness and frustration through him, and not knowing what else to do, he settled into the pillows rubbing Xaviers back. 

Soon, he felt the boys hands loosen, and he himself began to relax more, the circles he was tracing on the boys back slowing and becoming languid as the exhaustion of the mornings interactions all caught up with him.

The room was slightly cool, but under the blankets Vaughan cuddled Xavier who he was certian was working to rest once again and his eyes begun to gain weight as he stared out the window to the clouds and rock and grass expanse, sleepily wishing for flowers and trees to take place. But he felt relaxed, and wouldn't fight the sleep that was slowly pulling him away from the moment.

Xavier was still very awake it seemed though. As for he reached around Vaughan, hugging him tightly and rousing him slightly from the doze he nearly had tipped fully into.

"Oh, you are awake my boy," he said thickly, stifling a yawn as he tried to blink his eyes open to the child who still had yet to look up to him," I had thought we could take a nap. It is very early yet, and with events as they have been I feel today should be a day of rest. Never mind studied at the moment, we can sleep in and have a large picnic together- how would you like that? We could get your favorite sweets-"

"I dreamt that you died again," the little voice was partially muffled by his shoulder, but it stopped his light sleepy chatter, pulling his mind to full attention as he gripped the boy tight at the sudden comment, holding his breath as his eyes shot open.

He swallowed hard, though it proved to be a painful task as for his mouth suddenly was rendered dry, and tried to regulate his beathing as he stared to the first drops of rain hitting the window in soft inaudible droplets. 

"My-my boy," he finally was able to pull out faintly, feeling as though the child had actually punched him leaving him winded rather than making a comment," I. . ."

He faltered, unsure what to say but was saved the attempted comfort as the boy shot up, face wet and eyes gleaming as his chest began to move with large deep breaths, "I-I thought you were going to die again! I - you're not going to die Uncle Vaughan are you? Please- please don't leave me again! Please! "

The begging broke into a repeated broken mantra supplemented more and more by large wailing sobs. 

Vaughan sat up, fully away and any comfortable sleep that was going to take him was long forgotten as he scooped the child up, hugging him tightly and rocking him as the boy clung to his shirt, sullying it with tears.

After the longest time, Xavier's sobs abated, his breathing slowed, and he in fact did lull into a fitful sleep. 

But Vaughan lay awake, heart hammering as he fought tremors through his body, focusing his breaths to come slow and deep, rubbing slow circles into the sleeping boys back for as much his own comfort as it was the child's. 

Despite any coping effort he could try, he still couldn't stop hearing in his mind the child's voice ringing," I thought you died again!"

Died.

Again.

Vaughan's stomach rolled with memory. Xavier's voice, again distraught but this time high in a younger pitch, words pronounced with childish effect.

"You died!"