On Christmas Eve, I get a letter from Willem. His handwriting is small and neat, the black pen bleeding through the notebook paper. Max has scribbled in the margins, a splotch of yellow that might be a sun, a mix of blues and greens.

Merry Christmas! Willem writes. I asked Santa for more books. The hospital is all decorated with trees and candy canes, you should see it. We miss you! What did you ask Santa for Christmas?

I read the letter curled up on the Beckett's plaid couch. Wind howls against the windowpane, and icy snow whirls from a grey sky. The fireplace is crackling, hot flames curling over the logs, stockings dangling from the mantel. The atmosphere is very cabin-esque, very cozy, very Christmas-y, but darker than last year. The house is dim.

"A letter?" Cameron flops on the sofa beside me, one legged tucked under the other, scrolling through his phone.

"Yeah, from Willem. Did I tell you about him? A kid at the hospital where I volunteered."

He glances up and smiles. "That's nice."

"I think I'll write him back now. Is it okay if I borrow a pen?"

He bites his tongue - like he was about to say something, or make a joke, and caught himself. Does he think I'm more fragile than I used to be? Maybe I am. I wonder if he's thinking of last year, last Christmas Eve.

"Of course," he says, and goes into the kitchen grab one.

I write Willem and Max back on Ms. Beckett's floral stationery paper. Merry Christmas! Let me know what Santa brings you. I hope you get lots and lots of books. I've been so busy lately I forgot to ask Santa for anything, isn't that crazy? I'd like a pair of socks in my stocking, but we'll have to see. I miss you both very much.

And though I do miss them both very much, and would do anything to see them again, the thought of returning to school makes me dizzy.

I throw on Cameron's coat and stick the letter in the mailbox, keeping my head down against the storm. Down the street, dozens of colorful lights blink happily at me. It's not in time with the wind - it howls in and out of my ear while the lights blink unknowingly, messing up the tempo.

~

By the time Tom and I wake up Christmas morning, the storm has stopped. There's a couple feet of snow on the ground, glistening under an overcast sky. We walk down the street and he grips my arm for support, his face tired, a smile on his face.

"Merry Christmas!" shouts Hailey as Ms. Beckett ushers us inside. She throws herself into my arms as Tom settles onto the armchair. She's wearing a new set of snowflake-patterned pajamas, and the house smells like pancakes and bacon. Holiday music is playing on the radio and shiny gifts twinkle from under the tree.

Cameron shuffles into the living room, a mug of coffee in his hand. He smiles, warm green eyes flickering to mine.

"Merry Christmas, Sam," he says.

I got Cameron a new pair of Vans sneakers, a nice shade of maroon, because I remember him talking about wanting them a while ago. It's a small gift, nothing special, but when he unwraps them he beams up at me genuinely.

"Sam!"

"Cameron."

"You remembered!"

I smile and shrug. I remember everything he says. I love him so much it hurts.

Everyone adores their gifts, of course. Ms. Beckett nearly starts crying when she sees the necklace Cameron got her, and suffocates him with kisses. I get a book from Tom. From Hailey, Veronica, and Ms. Beckett I get a new sweatshirt. In my stockings, there are a pair of socks.

"Thank you!" I say. And I feel warm on the inside. "This is so great."

Hailey looks up from the carpet where she's already playing with her new toys. "Mum said, what would Sam want? And I said, get him a jacket!"

"You're smart, Hailey. I do love it. Thank you."

"And Mum said, what color? And I said, blue!"

The sweatshirt is navy and soft in my hands. Cameron pulls out another gift from under the tree.

"There's one more for Sam." He grins knowingly at Tom. "It's from all of us, really."

The box is big, and I tear away slowly at the wrapping. "Oh," I say. I realize what it is, and feel such a weight of gratitude my limbs go numb. "It's a telescope!"

Veronica smiles, and Hailey hops up from the ground and dances around wildly. "We knew you'd like it! We knew you'd like it!"

"Your other one is kind of old," Cameron says. "I thought you'd might want a new one."

I run my fingers over the box. God, this must have been expensive. This family loves me so much, I can hardly stand it. "Thank you," I say, my voice tight. "Thank you."

Cameron throws his arm around my shoulder and kisses my cheek. "You're welcome!"

I haven't looked up at the stars in forever.

~

We go to the late afternoon mass, and return that evening humming Christmas songs. The mass was nice, as it always is on Christmas. It makes me think of Pierce, though, and I feel guilty - I have to call him later. Cameron disappears nearly the second we walk back through the door.

I kick off my dress shoes and head to Cameron's room to read my new book, but end up dozing off on his bed. I groggily wake up later to Cameron shaking me awake.

"Hey," he says gently. "Put on something warm."

"What?"

"We're going on the roof."

"We're - what?"

He smiles. "We have to go through Hailey and Veronica's room. The roof is flat out their window, it's easy to get up."

So I wake myself up, pull on a sweatshirt and coat, and follow him to the girls' room. I still feel an indentation from his quilt on my cheek, and I run my finger over it mindlessly.

He pushes open the window, and the cold is so sharp it takes my breath away for a second. Then he helps me up, and I get used to it. The sky is black and clear, splattered with stars, and the telescope is set up.

"It's pointed towards Saturn right now," says Cameron, his breath coming out in white clouds. He buries his chin into his scarf and sits down, rubbing his gloved hands together. "Want to look?"

I look through the telescope. And there is Saturn, crisp and perfect, surrounded by a thousand perfect stars. "It's wonderful," I say. "Did you know winds on Saturn can reach up to 1800 kilometers per hour?"

"I didn't know that." Cameron is silent for a minute. Then he says, "I don't get space."

"No?"

"Not really. It seems chaotic. But that's what I like about it."

I sit down beside him. The street is eerie and quiet below us, yellow street lights illuminating the snow. But above, the sky is so incredible - so incredibly chaotic - that I feel as if I could cry.

"How were exams?" asks Cameron.

I look at him. His eyes are unwavering, understanding, and his cheeks are flushed from the cold. He knows. God, of course he knows. "I never took them."

"I know."

"How?"

"Eliza called me. And Pierce."

"Oh."

He goes quiet again, and I shiver as the wind picks up. Then he rubs his mouth against his shoulder and asks, "And how is the psychiatrist?"

"Is this why we're up here? So you can ask me about my life?"

"No, we're here to use your new telescope. You can tell me about your life if you want to."

I feel bad. "I do want to," I say. "Elizabeth is good. I've been back a few times now."

"Veronica drove you yesterday?"

"Yeah, and your mom picked me up. I feel bad, them having to chauffeur me around. I don't mean to be a burden."

"You're not. Of course you're not a burden, Sam."

I rest my chin on my arms, feel my eyes water from the cold. "Okay, Cam."

"You haven't called me that in awhile." He sounds surprised.

"I know you prefer Cameron."

"I don't mind when you call me Cam. Not anymore." He breathes in deeply. "Anyway, I have to go back to Toronto in a couple days. We're on the road soon."

"Okay."

"Sam? Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Are you really?"

I look at him, and then I answer honestly. "Not all the time. And I don't know why. I have everything I could have ever wanted. A family. A good education. You."

"I'm sorry you're not happy."

"No, no, that's not it. You make me happy. You do. Cam - this is wonderful. You're wonderful. I just think that I'm broken, a little. I'm more broken than when we met."

"You're not broken," he says.

"I think I am."

"Well, I was a little broken last year too. And you helped me. Now I'll help you."

We look up at the stars for a long time without saying anything. And then he leans towards me, eyes flashing to mine like they always do, but stops before his lips are against mine, like he wants me to close the gap.

So I do, and I kiss him back. And he makes me happy. But at the same time, I feel bad that I'm not the same person I was last year.

A/N i'm sorry for that wait!! summer is very soon, thank god. thoughts on this chapter? hope everyone is doing well! :)