The morning of the exam, Eliza and I get breakfast at the diner. The exam isn't until the late afternoon - I wanted it to be early so I could get it over with, but Eliza is relieved we can sleep in.

"Eat," says Eliza.

I glance down at the plate of scrambled eggs in front of me. "Not hungry."

She cuts into her own stack of chocolate chip pancakes, maple syrup pouring over the sides. "You have to eat," she insists.

Eggs are the only thing I know how to make.

You cook now?

Come over. You'll see.

I eat a bite, then steal a slice of Eliza's bacon.

"Eat more."

"Eliza, come on. I'm nervous. You want me to throw up all over the table?"

Eliza laughs and rolls her eyes. Around us, the diner is bustling, silverware clinking and conversation flowing. The sky outside is a pale, cloudless blue, and bare tree branches shiver in the wind. A taxi honks loudly, and I glance out the window as cars and city buses jerk to a stop.

"You want to talk about chemistry?" I ask, my eyes following a bright purple car as it dodges around traffic.

"No, I do not."

"We have some time to review a bit more."

"Sam, look at me. We've literally studied dozens of hours for this. We know this stuff. Let's focus on something else, okay?" She takes a big bite of pancakes, and I smile as her eyes flutter dramatically. "Oh, shit. This is really good."

"Let's keep it PG," I say. Use Ksp (the solubility product constant) to determine the amount of Ba2+ ions that remain in solution at the equivalence point. If you add sulfate ions to an equilibrium reaction involving other sulfate ions, the reaction will consume the added ions to reach a new equilibrium.

Eliza tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "So, when are you heading back to Canada?"

"Three days."

"You taking a plane?"

"No, train. Cheaper. And besides, I don't mind the train. It's scenic. What about you?"

"My plane to San Fran leaves tomorrow night." She takes a sip of coffee, her eyes steady on my face. "So... are you going to tell Cameron?"

I feel sick again. "I don't know. I should. Should I?"

Eliza shrugs neutrally. "I think you'll feel less guilty if you do. You have a lot of guilt inside of you, Sam, you know that?"

I push my fork around my plate. "I don't know. Let's change the topic again."

"Okay, okay - I do have to tell you what just happened in the show I'm watching, I was shook - but first, let me just say you can always talk to me over the break. Okay? Call me or text me whenever."

I glance up at Eliza, her dark eyes shimmering sincerely. "Thank you," I say, and really mean it.

Eliza opens her mouth to reply, but her eyes suddenly focus on something over my shoulder. I turn around.

"Hey, Marly!" says Eliza cheerfully, her voice raising an octave.

Marly freezes for a split second when she sees us - her hands are tucked in the pockets of a grey trench coat, and a knit headband is pulled over ears - but she regains composure quickly, smiling warmly at us and walking over. "Hi, guys!"

Eliza nods to the food on the table. "Want some bacon?"

"I'm okay, thanks. I was just gonna grab a coffee, my psych exam is in an hour." She rocks on her heels. "Is the chem exam today?"

Eliza nods. "Yeah, later this afternoon. I think at four o'clock? Or is it three... shit, Sam, do you know -"

"Three-thirty."

Eliza nods. "Yes. Exactly. Three-thirty."

There's an awkward silence, and I feel my face begin to heat. Eliza clears her throat. "Well, I'm going to head to the bathroom quick," she says, and bolts, leaving Marly and I alone.

Marly slides down in Eliza's seat, her hands folded on the table. "Sam," she says softly.

It's hard to make eye contact with her. "I'm sorry," I blurt. "What happened shouldn't have happened. I kind of screwed things up."

"Really, it's okay. Truly. I don't want you to feel bad. And I would hate for things to be awkward between us now." Marly smiles. "It's college, right? Everyone does stupid things sometimes. We're all just figuring ourselves out."

I glance down at my plate. "Yeah. I'm - I still have to figure myself out."

"Trust me, me too. And I just wanted to say - well - you're one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Really, I think you're just great."

I look up at her. "So are you," I say honestly.

She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, and smiles. "Happy holidays, Sam."

"Happy holidays, Marly."

And then she leaves, and I watch her walk out the door, slipping her hands back into her pockets. I realize only after she's gone that she never bought her coffee.

Eliza returns, twisting her hair up into a ponytail. "So?"

"Thanks for leaving me," I say, but I smile half-heartedly to show her I'm only teasing.

~

I have the dorm room to myself, for a little while. Pierce is out - probably studying with classmates, or grabbing a late lunch - so I pace the room, flipping through my chemistry textbook even though there's nothing more I can do now.

I breathe in deeply and glance around the room - even though the walls are thin and the building is loud and rowdy, it wasn't so bad, this first semester. Plain blue comforters, photos on the wall, Pierce's band posters. I'll miss it a little over break, in a weird way.

The hardwood creaks beneath my socks, and I triple check to make sure my calculator is charged and my pencils are sharpened. Dr. Howards would be unapologetic if something were to go wrong. I jump up and down, try to shake out the nerves, ignore the time on my alarm clock as it ticks closer and closer to the start of the exam.

My phone rings, and I pick it up. "Hello?"

"Hey." It's Eliza. "I just did yoga with Julie. It was actually great. Feeling much more relaxed now. You should try it."

"Alright."

"Anyways, just wanted to tell you that if you get to the exam room before me, save me a seat."

"I will."

"You're the best! And don't cram, you know this stuff!"

She hangs up, and I toss my phone back on my bed, turning the page in my chem notebook, chewing my lip. The coulombic attractions are weaker in NaCl than they are in NaF because the ionic radius of -

My phone rings again, and I pick it up hurriedly. "What, Eliza?"

"Honey? It's Ms. Beckett."

And every single muscle in my body goes numb, because I hear the panic that she's trying to hide, her voice fluctuating abnormally.

"Ms. Beckett? What's wrong? Oh god. Oh god."

"Sam, honey, something's happened with Tom. Can you get to St. Anne's today?" Her voice breaks. "Maybe the next flight to Toronto? Veronica, can you check the flights out of Boston - I know that -"

Please, no. Please no. "What do you mean, something's happened?"

"He's alive, it's not that, but he's not doing too well, and the doctors aren't - they aren't very sure -" She clears her throat, trying to steady her voice, which is scratchy and bordering on desperate. "The doctors recommend that you get here as soon as possible, in case -"

A wave of nausea rolls over me, and I grip the headboard.

"Okay," I say. "Okay. Okay."

Her voice fades, like she's pulling the phone away from her ear. "Veronica, check the flights I said - please check the fucking flights!"

I've never heard her swear before. God, fear is so paralyzing. I forgot how to move, feel the tenseness of my muscles - what is happening? Shaking almost uncontrollably, I throw crumpled clothes into my suitcase.

"Can you get to the airport? Are you busy today?"

It takes me a second to realize she's talking to me. "I can get to the airport."

"I love you, honey. I'm going to hang up and try and call Cameron - I think he's in the middle of practice right now - Hailey, stop crying - Sam, you there? And then I'm going to call you back, okay? Okay, Veronica's telling me there's a direct flight to Toronto in an hour and a half, will that work? Can you make that? Don't worry, honey, he's not - he's going to be okay - you're going to make it here before anything happens, okay?"

She's talking too fast - I think I'm going to pass out -

"Okay," I hear myself whisper. "Okay. Okay."

It takes me three tries to zip up my suitcase - my breathing is so shallow, my muscles won't stop seizing up - I feel like I am an outsider, watching this happen to me. This can't be happening, not right now, not in this very moment.

And while I largely feel worry, cold and immersive, a small part of me also feels relief - because this thing I've been dreading for so long, this disease I've been haunted by, the call I've been waiting for, has finally arrived. I have been scared of this for so long.

And then I will have nothing to be scared of again.

End of part 1