I felt much more at peace the next morning. The coronation is tomorrow, and before a mass with my family, I wanted to find a devotional to attempt to find comfort in this dark time. I know I have one somewhere, so I went to my small library. Instead of finding a devotional, I pulled out a blue leather book. On the cover it said "Dream Interpretation."
I suddenly remembered this gift from Olga when I was about seventeen. I would have very ominous nightmares of hair and teeth falling out, and other unsettling things. I would wake and be very frightened. Olga then gave me this book to try and calm me down. Mama would tell me that they were signs from God, and that I should pray. This book helped me decipher these symbols.
After flipping through a few pages, I came across barking dogs. Barking dogs symbolize danger ahead. Perhaps that is why I heard the dog barking just moments before I was taken again. I found hair falling out again, something I forgot the interpretation for from when I was a teenager. Losing hair in a dream can mean vulnerability, helplessness, or exposure. That would make sense as to why my hair fell out, for I had no help and I was left to my own defense.
I put the book back and dressed for church. When will these nightmares end? I don't need to be reliving this hell over and over at night, the time when I think I am free from my own thoughts.
During the mass, I thought to myself, when will I finally feel like the good is coming out of this horror? Now Sergei will be gone soon, after tomorrow he will be with Tatiana for his new life as heir.
I slept fitfully through the night. I didn't let myself fall asleep out of fear of more nightmares. I know what they mean now, making them less frightening, but I am still seeing this disaster again. Everything is changing tomorrow. We're all going to start new lives, except for Olga. She, with such resignation in her composure I've never seen before, informed us sisters that she and Igor decided to continue their affair quietly without asking for a divorce. We comforted her as best we could although we all knew inside that it is the best decision for both their safeties. "Besides," she said. "It's not all too uncommon for a monarch to have an affair. Think of our great- grandfather, Tsar Alexander II, and every Tsar and Tsarina before him. Few were faithful to each other." Naturally we don't agree with infidelity, but it was no use. Olga has made up her mind long ago and has accepted that she'll never be free.
However, Maria will finally get a new beginning. Once Tatiana is in office after the celebrations and ceremonies, she's going to work on writing up the divorce papers. She intends to grant Mashka full custody of the children. As for Mama, she'll start her new life as dowager empress. As she stated during the coronation preparations, "I do not intend to be like your Grandmère and meddle in the affairs of state while my child is reigning. Tatya may do what she pleases and come to me for advice as desired." She was firm in the delivery. It seems she's ready to give up her Imperial duties and finally be at peace, away from court drama and ruling.