"JUST blame it on me," he said. But the second my consciousness rose from the depths of darkness, all I can think of was how quickly things escalated. A plea that could've been left uninterpreted and ignored was miraculously answered the same day it was made. Is this even real?

I had my eyes open and cannot help but sigh. The apartment that I was living for seven months burned down to ashes. The people I least needed to encounter while on the run ended up saving me when I fell unconscious. Thinking it was challenging, I casually deciphered a problem that is supposed to be unbreakable until I foolishly put my hand on it. I also learned that my caretaker who I have so much guilt and gratitude towards had been locking me up in our unit all this time and thanks to that, I almost had a sizzling death. Knowing nothing good will come by staying with him, I handed my fate to the most unlikely people to ask help for--- the Monteliers. And just when I was about to properly part ways with that caretaker, a person from the Monteliers staged a dramatic rescue that involves kissing and drugging.

Naitakip ko na lang sa mukha ko ang dalawa kong mga palad. Anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo. Quinzel?!

Heh. It's a common tactic to kiss someone to have them consume something. Yet it felt strange knowing it's always me who'd do it to my enemies, not the other way around.

Sa pagbangon ko, madaling nalaglag sa hita ko ang kumot na kanina'y tumatabing sa buong katawan ko. Tamad na inalo ko ang mga mata ko upang pagmasdan ang lugar, pilit nilalabanan ang mabigat na pakiramdam na dulot ng umaga. Nariyan ang nakaririnding ingay na nanggagaling sa aircon na siyang kapansin-pansin gawa ng katahimikang umi-echo sa pandinig. Walang bintanang mapagmamasiran at panay ang pilitik na tunog na nagmumula sa orasan sa hindi kalayuan.

Iniayos ko ang pagkakaupo ko, pumatagilid nang masilayan ang taong nagmamay-ari ng mga mahahabang binti't itim na pormal na slacks na naabutan ko sa pagbangon. Prenteng nakaupo ang lalaki sa katabi ng pinag-uunanan ko kanina, habang ang likod at ulo naman niya'y nakasandal sa headrest ng kama. Sa nakapa-ekis niyang mga binti ay kanlungan ng mga kamay niyang nakahawak pa rin sa isang makapal na libro.

Geez. I'm the one who's getting uncomfortable by the way he's sleeping.

I unconsciously extended my hand to him. And as if simply waiting for a saving, his head fell from the headrest's support, ultimately landing right on my palm. I was surprised for a second. Holding someone and even being able to feel their very warmth and breath grazing upon my skin felt surreal.

Should I put him down? Should I wake him up? Those are the questions spiraling into my mind. But before I could come up with a definite answer, the man inhaled with a shaking breath as if running out of air to breathe. And somehow, I also forgot for a moment how to.

"Hngg..." he moaned deeply. "P-Please... s-stop."

I leaned back reflexively due to surprise, unaware of what I should do or what is happening at all.

"D-Don't... Not m-mom, please!" he begs in his sleep, cold sweat breaking on his now wrinkled forehead. Over time, his voice becomes more strained yet also hopelessly louder. Still holding him, I start to turn my gaze in every direction and see if I can find something that could aid the situation.

Much to my effort to check a most likely rented room that only contained basic amenities and dull furniture, the thud from the now-knocked down book instantly took my attention and effectively brought me back to my rescuer's pained expression.

"Dad... I don't want to leave." This time, merely watching him inflicts a certain extent of sympathy on me. For every plea he makes, I can imagine him being caged in a memory that is so painful that reality still chases him in his dream.

'What are you dreaming?' I wanted to ask, but I know very well that I won't be able to get a response. I could assume what it is but I can never imagine the pain he is reliving. The very idea stabbed my chest, for I wasn't unfamiliar with what is it like--- to bear a past that you can never erase.

"Today's your lucky day, you dramatic bastard," I murmured, giving in to the creases on his face, the cries I cannot mute unlike my own voice, and the tears streaming on his cheeks that I wish I had.

Sinubukan kong ilapag nang marahan ang ulo niya sa unanan habang metikuloso kong hinigit ang katawan niya nang hindi mangalay ang leeg niya. Sinigurado ko ring hindi magiging sagabal ang libro at ipinatong muna ito sa side table pamalit sa puting tuwalyang dinampot ko mula rito. Malumanay kong dinampi ang tuwalya sa kanyang noo hanggang sa maging ang kaliwa't kanang pisngi niya ay mapunasan. Ngunit kahit anong pagdampi ko rito, nararagasan pa rin ito ng panibagong bugso ng pawis at luha.

"What should I do with you, stranger?" I gulped in frustration.

"Pakiusap... H-Hayaan niyo na kami," pagpapatuloy niya nang may mabibigat pa ring paghinga. Bahagyang palinga-linga na rin ang ulo niya, animo'y sinusubukang kumawala sa memoryang kumukulong sa ulirat niya.

At that moment, my own breathing syncs with his, bleak and worn out. I see myself in him who struggles to fight whatever he's experiencing in that endless dimension of darkness. And at the same time, I was clueless and worried about what to do until I remember the same phrases I repeat to myself every day.

With my brows furrowed and my throat throbbing as it gathers strength from my system, I reached for his right cheek to tap it gently. "You are what you are. You are free now. You don't have to fear anything at all," I said quietly.

Inulit-ulit ko 'yon sa kaniya, hindi na inda kung paulit-ulit ko ring nilalabag ang paalala nina Archer, Hunter, at Violet na magpanggap na pipe sa kahit na sinuman. Sa bawat salita na binibigkas ko ay patuloy ko pa ring pinupunasan ang noo niya hanggang sa kalaunan ay humupa na rin ang paghangos niya. Hindi ko ipagkakailang nakahinga ako nang maluwag sa pagkalma niya, lalo na nang lumapat na ang pagitan ng mga kilay niya mula sa kaninang pagkakakunot nito.

"You are free now. You don't have to fear anything at all," I told him for the last time, a relieved smile pasted on my face.

However, my smile soon came to fade when he slowly opened his eyes. Seeing my image laid out clearly on shining bronze eyes sent chills to my every bone, for I've once sworn to never be reflected on them once again. I blinked once... and then twice, hoping Eldridge Pherenn didn't just send his own superior to pick up the woman he was supposed to avoid at all costs.

Could this really be happening? Those eyes... those once again tantalizing eyes.

"Ms. de Agustin?" he uttered vaguely, recognizing me yet he didn't as well at the same time.

My fingers curled away from his skin, and the towel I casually caressed on his face from a while ago fell out of my grip. Panic soon got the best of me and I immediately willed my legs to move away from him. 'Fuck this. Fuck this shit.' I keep repeating in my head yet my eyes can't look away.

"Why are you crying?" Bahagya na niyang naibangon ang sarili niya, ang siko niya'y nakadagan sa kama't nagsisilbing suporta.

I froze in place with his question, completely unaware of the tears that nonchalantly broke out. Dali-dali kong pinutol ang pagtitig ko sa kaniya at ibinaba ang tingin ko. Tuluyang ko ring inalis ang mga kamay ko mula sa kaniya upang magamit ang mga likuran nito sa pagpawi ng mga luhang hindi sadya. Halos burahin ko ang mukha ko, nag-aalalang ang bumbilya ng nakaraan na pinatay ko na ay muli niyang sisindihan.

Kung kaya bago pa magtuluy-tuloy ang mga luhang ito ay ngarag na hinanap ng mga binti ko ang dulo ng kama. Pero bago pa man mapabaling ang tingin ko sa ibang direksyon, hinablot na ni Caesar ang mga palapulsuhan ko. "Sandali lang!"

"Ayos ka lang ba?" nababahalang tanong niya nang nakaluhod na rin sa kama kagaya ko. "May masakit ba sa 'yo?" Sa biglaang paglapit ng mukha niya sa akin, nanlambot ang mga binti ko. Naisipan kong magpumiglas laban sa lakas niya ngunit nang makita ko ang pag-igting ng panga niya, doon ko napagtantong may sumilong nang maling pag-aakala sa isipan niya.

No. It's not like that, Caesar...

I was left unsettled. The glimmer of concern in his eyes diminished and then an indifferent one turned up so similar to the day I first met him. He gritted his teeth as I finally stopped struggling, almost as if doing so is another misunderstanding. After unfailingly staring at each other with tension forming around us, he pulled me into a swift tug, ultimately leading me to sit on his lap.

"Repeat it," my rescuer demanded in an ironically soft whisper. "Tell me what you told me a few seconds ago."

Pawang nakatingala siya sa akin, hindi ako nilulubayan ng tingin na animo'y ang pagsambit ko ng mga salita ang tangi niyang pakay sa akin. Nang hindi ako agad umimik, mas hinigit niya ang katawan ko sa kanya. Hawak niya ang kaliwa kong kamay habang ang isa pa niyang kamay ay nakalingkis sa bewang ko nang may tamang higpit upang 'di ako makawala.

"Mr. Montelier," I called him out with a gasp, the hairs on my neck standing, for it is close enough to sense his closing breath.

Sandaling nanliit ang mga mata niya sa pagkakarinig sa pagtawag ko sa kaniya ngunit hindi ito nakapagpatikom sa bibig niya. "Repeat it."

Nahihirapang maintindihan kung para saan pa ang pagtatanong gayong narinig niya na ang boses ko, magkasalubong ang kilay akong hindi umatras sa titigan. "Narinig mo na 'ko. I'm not even denying it. Let me go. Please," mariin kong pakiusap at saka ginamit ang libreng kamay upang abutin ang kamay niyang namamahinga sa aking bewang.

Even with a straightforward confession, my efforts to be released were in vain, for Caesar's grip only tightened as if he never heard anything. "Are you afraid of me? Do you see me as a monster?" he asked eagerly, my wrist under his grace.

For a second, his question had me stunned. And after comprehending how ridiculous it was, I smirked. Look at this fool. "Should I?" I replied, suppressing the pain it cost me just to utter something short yet long enough that could wipe off the misunderstanding.

In a flash, he frowned. "If you already know me, I'm sure you know why you should," he quickly answered without batting an eye.

It's because I already know you that I know why I shouldn't.

Ginaya ko ang pagkakahilig ng ulo niya at saka ibinagsak ang mga balikat. "Do you want me to?" I challenged him, completely aware that of all people branded as predators in the Underground, Caesar Montelier is one of those unhappy ones about it.

He soon broke into a soft yet cheeky grin. It was mischievously wide that it was too difficult to ignore, even for me. "Then why do you want to run away after seeing me?"

Kung tutuusin, nakapadali ng katanungan niya. Napakadaling sagutin subalit napakahirap ding bigyan ng pag-amin. Pero para sa ating dalawa, mabuting ikubli ko muna ang mapapait na memorya at ngumiti na animo'y walang ibang dalang kasagutan.

"Sino bang hindi magugulat kung ang bise-presidente ng 'Red Circle' ang makikita mo?"

His forehead twitched, almost as if he noticed that small ounce of hesitation I have before I spit an eloquent statement. Nevertheless, his grip loosened and he puts my hand down.

"Tingin ko ang ibig mong sabihin ay tuta ng 'Red Circle," ismid niya nang may kasamang irap bago niya ibinaba ang tingin sa kama.

Agad namang napataas ang kilay ko sa tugon niya, lalo na't kita ang pagkabahala niya nang manggaling mismo sa bibig niya ang salitang kahit kailan ay hindi ko maikokonekta sa huling Montelier. Ano ang nag-udyok kay Caesar na tawagin mismo ang sarili niya na tuta? Ano bang naganap sa Underground noong nagkukubli ako sa pugad ng pulisya?

Bago ko pa man maibato ang mga palaisipang ito, may malalakas na pagkatok ang yumanig sa kaninang nakamamatay na katahimikan. Awtomatiko kaming napalingon rito at sabay din kaming nagkapalitan ng tingin sa isa't isa. Sa puntong 'yon, para kaming nagpaalam sa saglit na panaginip at muling nagising sa reyalidad.

Napapakurap na tumikhim si Caesar. "I think that's the landlady," aniya nang marahang iniaalis ang kamay niya sa bewang ko ngunit hindi ang pagkakatitig niya sa mga mata ko.

"If you aren't aware, you're still staring at me, by the way," I scoffed awkwardly as I take both my hands back and lift myself from his lap.

Maging siya mismo ay napailing-iling sa pagkakapuna nito. "No... Uhm," he smacked his lips, contemplating back and forth whether to tell or not of a reason he seems to know very well to be plain silly. "Your gaze looks the same with someone I know."

Napalunok ako nang marinig ito, dama ang mas pagguho ng lakas ko para ikimkim ang sakit sa lalamunan ko. Gayunpaman, wala nang sumunod pang detalyeng nanggaling sa bibig niya at hindi rin naman namin pwedeng isnabin na lang ang kung sinumang nasa kabilang panig ng pintuan.

"Stay here. It'll be just a sec," bilin niya bago niya tuluyang lisanin ang kama. Ikinatango at halos ikahagikgik ko ito, 'pagkat saan ba niya ko inaasahang tumakbo, gayong wala naman na akong ibang mapupuntahan liban dito.

In no time, Caesar left the room with me as its only existence was present and the first thing I did is to rush to the comfort room. As I bite my lower lip, I wished he didn't hear how heavy and rattled my footsteps are. As I suppress my screams, I wished he didn't notice how recklessly I shut the door on my back. Hopelessly, I took a grip on either side of the sink, clenching it as if I can crush it with my strength. And when I finally can't hold it back, I threw myself into its mercy.

This is the punishment. The last condition. The last string of control they have in me.

I shut my eyes closed, hot tears running down my face as soon as I face the darkness. My body pathetically surrendered to the consequences of me uttering even a single word. I choked. I retched. I spilled. Parang may kung anong humihila taas-baba sa makinarya ng poso at tumutulak ng dugo patungo papataas sa bibig ko. Kahit anong suka ko sa lababo'y pinuno pa rin nito ang bibig ko na tila ba ang kapalit ng ilang mga salita ay sandamakmak kong dugo.

I lifted my head, still holding onto the sink while my chest uncontrollably heaves. Despite having an idea how messy I'd look in the mirror, I opened my eyes, only to find them almost bloodshot and my entirety as pale as a sheet. Traces of scarlet blood trickling from my mouth made me resemble a vampire that just finished sucking her prey dry. 'Fuck this,' I cursed in my head.

But as soon as I did, a gunshot was fired so loud that it'd be stupid to deny the possibility that it was not the unit's owner that arrived but enemies who were after our lives.

******

BETA READER x AUTHOR CORNER

Us when Caesar keeps giving us skinship moments:

My beta reader after realizing the easter eggs in this chapter and she's the only one who knows at the time I made her read this:

Read. Like. Follow. Comment.

Stressed po 'yong author sa thesis at OJT niya kaya nag-update. Again, do not read this if wala kayong balak mag-observe ng detalye :> Sasakit lang brain cells ninyo tulad no'ng nasa MAOG at TMS kayo hehe. Labyu.