[hushed voice] "Frank, our next competitor in the one hundred yard market dash is a 35 year old single mom from Cleveland, Marcia Moloski. She did well in the qualifiers and had her best time ever on her practice run yesterday.

"Now this event is a combination of a running sprint combined with the grace of a figure skater and mental acumen of a world class accountant. She must keep her purchases to one hundred dollars as she executes a mandatory list of staples and five extra optional items.

"She is judged on speed, accuracy, style and nutritional value. Of course she loses points if she is over or under the hundred. Here she goes."

[second hushed voice] "Mike, Marcia has a good chance of medaling in this event. Oh, look. She has chosen the cart with the wobbly wheel. That will gain her extra points. I was watching her practice run yesterday and she... Wow. Look at that form. She is leaning on the left side of her cart to keep that loose wheel up off the ground and she literally flew around that corner. She is approaching the juices...yes. Very nice. She is equally adept with her right hand or her left. Notice how she snatched the juice bottle with her left and flipped it into her cart without slowing down..."

[first hushed voice] "That's right, Frank. She chose the juice bottle because she could get her hand around the neck. Grabbing a carton would have slowed her down a bit, even though it would be a couple of pennies cheaper. By the way, that is called ambidextrous."

[second hushed voice] "Huh?"

[first hushed voice] "Using either hand. She is ambidextrous. It comes from..."

[second hushed voice] "Mike, I'm not sure what I just saw there. She is in the canned vegetable aisle and her hand just shot out and grabbed... what was that? Is that a can of beets? Yes. Amazon Cart just confirmed a can of beets was added to her cart. That is a strange choice for an optional pick. Remember she only gets five."

[first hushed voice] "She is on the back stretch now. She is very strong in this area. Chicken and beef are both required. She has picked up half a second here. Oh. Oh. She just spotted the Tuna sale on the endcap. She's getting two for the price of one. That will save her some time as she doesn't have to go down the canned meat aisle."

[second hushed voice] "Not to mention an extra point for the bargain. Mike, she has two hazards and a compulsory move yet to do. She is coming up on the turn. Beautiful. She avoided that freestanding display and threaded between two loaded carts without touching either one. Very nice.

Every athlete must do a spin in mid-aisle to represent going back for a forgotten item. The requirement is that both feet must be off the ground. She may have a problem with this because of that wobbly wheel. Let's see how she executes this. [pause]

AB SO LUTELY amazing. She did a modified sit spin but look at that. She pulled back and put the cart on its back two wheels. A full 360 with perfect balance and beautiful form."

"Frank, One final challenge ahead."

"Mike, this is the Creamed Corn challenge. She must get a can of creamed corn from the stacked display without knocking over any of the remaining cans. Now that stack is six and a half feet high and Marcia is five-two. She has to get one from the top levels. She is approaching it now.

"OH MY GOSH."

[louder voice] "Did you see that? What did she do there?"

[excited voice] "Frank, she took a can from a lower tier and slid in the canned beets to maintain the stack integrity. INCREDIBLE."

[querulous voice] "Can she do that? What do the rules say?"

[rushed voice] "Well Frank, that's one for the judges. She is approaching checkout now. A very nice run. She could well be in podium contention."

[commercial break voice] "While we wait for the judges to rule on the Moloski Swap, we will take a break. 2018 Winter Olympics will be right back after a word from our thirty two sponsors."