The first week of class was over and my roommate was mocking the fact I already had gotten most of my books.

"Oh no I'm definitely dropping the math this semester. Plus I really should decide soon whether I want to pursue psychology or art history." My roommate talked about her classes.

"Wait you're going to drop classes?"

"Yeah today is the last day to do so. Most people sign up for a bunch of classes and then drop a few."

"Oh..." I didn't realize this was a choice since I had only signed up for what I needed and I couldn't even think of dropping them.

"Well I'm going to go look around for a job." I said picking up my bag to go out too. "I need to find something part-time so let me know if you know about anything."

"Wait why do you need a part time job?" She sounded baffled and I just chuckled. In that regard it seemed like few students on campus related..

"See you later," I left her.

It was a Monday after class and I had written down a couple of spots I'd seen to talk about employment. I figured seeing my face might help me get a job. But unfortunately most people only took down my number and said they'd call for an interview. I had walked for hours at this point, going to Starbucks, big restaurants, and holes in the walls. Some of them clearly thought I was too young when I mentioned being a freshman in NYU.

"Well it's just the first day..." I said without losing hope to myself.

"Hey you following me?" James said coming out of a deli with a gorgeous pink salmon bagel and cream cheese drooping from the sides.

"Um?" I questioned what he'd said after being blinded by the bagel.

"Are you following me?"

"No. That's such a weird question."

"You've walked into the past two stores I've walked in."

"Oh I didn't see you."

"I guess you're no Kathleen Harvey."

"So you'd rather if I was stalking you?"

"Having my own stalker has a nice ring to it."

"Sorry to disappoint. Promise it won't be the first time."

"Nor the last," he said something strange again.

"You do seem to have good taste in food so where did you get the pizza from the other day?"

"Oh it's called Joe's Pizza. Scarr's is good too."

"Joe's Pizza and Scarr's," I opened my notebook and wrote it down. "Thanks. See you." I waved at him.

"Hey I can walk you there! It's day time!"

"I'm in a hurry though!" I said and he ran over to me.

James walked me over to the pizzeria and I bought the lunch; pizza and soda.

"Don't tell anyone I let you pay or you'll ruin me for the opposite sex."

"You helped me and my friends get home, thank you."

"It was just a ride home you know?" He said finding it weird I took it as a favor while I found it weird he didn't think it was. I was not only a stranger but a stranger who didn't like him and reported him to the University.

"Yes."

"So why are you in a hurry?"

"I have to go find the math book for that math class we switched. I bought everything else except that one."

"Oh you can have mine then."

"What do you mean?" I looked at him confused.

"You can have it."

"Are you sure they don't keep records if I don't buy the book?"

"Afraid of authority? Didn't have you pegged for one."

"Well the more you know, or less right?"

"Are you a law major?"

"No."

"Well if it aims for justice like one then..."

"Then it must believe in justice even if it's just divine."

"Ah so you're a romantic."

"Don't patronize me."

"I'm not I meant that as a statement not a judgement."

"A judgement is always passed on to those with ideals."

"Idealism is great, it's just impractical."

"Don't I know it."

"Yet you insist."

"Look things might not turn out as I wish but I should try. If I just sit back and see the world burn I think I might just light myself along with it."

"So you're an English major then."

"I'm romantic not delusional." I stated alluding to the lack of money I'd encounter with such a degree and he chuckled though I'm not sure what meaning he assessed from my comment. "My major is business."

"Really? Well I guess there's a certain romance to thriving business between the seller and the buyer. So you're probably going to take all the classes I took."

"You're in business too?"

"No I was in my first two years but I decided to change into law. It's the family business."

"I also opted for that because of my family," I said thinking of grandpa's store.

"So you get it. The pressure."

"Failing is not an option."

"I can't defend myself there. I've failed up too many times. It's like a rule."

"Sounds nice." I sighed looking out, "I will now hate you for it."

"One of the many reasons you'll have I guess."

"This is the moment where you say something super privileged so I can feel good about hating you."

"I own a limited edition Porsche. I got an apartment to my name when I graduated high school. For my sister's marriage we rented an island. I'll be a majority share owner at my father's company once I'm done with college making me an instant millionaire. And as his successor I'll never be out of a job so I'll never have to job hunt. And they want me to transfer out to Columbia University next year since I have a guaranteed spot there because it's where both my parents went to."

Once James was done talking I couldn't. I just stared at him not knowing what to freeze on next. Here I was coming off from a day where I was looking for part time jobs to save up for next semester. And then there was him, people like him existed. How could the gap be so enormous?

"What did I stun you a bit?"

A bit! A bit was an understatement. Jenna was the only rich friend I wanted in my life and from the sound of it James made her look middle class. I didn't want to get dragged into a world I had no business in like I did in Huntswood. Adam, Rachel, Olivia, and mom had helped me see it was not my place. I had no such ambitions.

"I think um I should get back to my dorm. I still need to study."

"What about the books?"

"Another time."

"But..."

Before he could continue the conversation any further I was on my way to my room. A millionaire upon graduation? An apartment in this city as a graduation gift?! Who was James' family anyway? Oh no the conversation we had when I was drunk. The place was his. How much was that place worth? I wondered but I shouldn't have as I found a price tag of millions. I almost puked of embarrassment thinking back to my complaints about his furniture.

"Oh God." I shook my head and decided from there on I could never cross paths with him or any of his friends ever again.

As if Rachel and Adam lives weren't already too above my head this was like finding out what you thought was the Pacific ocean was only the Caspian Sea. I had no business swimming in the ocean nor in the sea. A lake good enough to bathe in and seeing the boundaries of it reassured me of limits I was safe in. I was no Ishmael in search of a doomed fate. I'd once deceived myself into dreams of warm snow, fresh summer air, but not anymore. I knew there were things one could not hope against.

*

"Ding dong?" My roommate said to me waking me up

"Morning," I said back.

"I thought you had all your books already."

"Just one more I'm missing. Why?"

"Are you sure?" She pointed to a bunch of books stacked up on our table.

"What is..." At first confused it dawned on me James had sent me his books.

What was I going to do now? See him to give it back or not see him and keep it? I didn't want to keep it, it felt like I was taking advantage of him. I didn't want to see him either to argue or to continue a pleasant conversation. What was I supposed to do with these? Donate them? How when I was obviously and painfully the charity case.

It soon grew to the point of annoyance that I couldn't even concentrate on my homework without glancing over at the books. They mocked me for not having a job, for needing them, for not being able to make up my mind. But I had to fight back, I wouldn't let this mockery go on. So I grabbed my bag and went over to his place.

I climbed up the stairs of his place thinking how much easier it would have been to do this over the phone but I didn't have his number. Every part of me cringed at the thought of having to have this talk with him.

"Hi?" A very pretty woman opened the door.

"Hi, I'm sorry I was looking for James. It's Emily."

"James for you!"

"Coming!" He said and I waited at the bottom of the stairs holding on to some of the books to give back. But soon he was already out the door. "Wow of all the birds look who came to sing," he was wearing an apron.

"I'll be quick." I responded and he climbed down the stairs finding my visit strange.

"You got the books I see."

"Yes I did and I came to thank you."

"I should probably give you my number so we can find some common time, for a thank you." He suggested.

"You're busy," I stated seeing as to what he meant by it. "It's all right though. I just came to thank you and say I can't accept them. So I brought some of them over now and I'll make a few trips to bring them all back okay."

"Wait what?" His face became deeply entangled,"what are you even saying?"

"I can just leave it with someone if you're not going to be here to receive it."

"Did you really come all the way to my house to refuse books I have no use for?"

"They're your books, whether you have any use of them or not is your prerogative."

"And my prerogative was to give it to you. Why are you being this way over a couple of books?"

"I'm not. Just take them back."

"No. If you don't want it them you give it away or burn it and become the next leader of the communist regimen."

"Why can't you just take it back? Why are you making this more difficult than it should be?!"

"Why are you insisting in this? Do you happen to think I did this because I'm interested in you? I'm not. I wouldn't really try to romance a girl by giving her used books. You're being ridiculous over nothing."

"No I don't think you're interested in me because you gave me these books. I just don't want you to think of me as another person you met who took what I needed then disappeared."

"So you plan on disappearing?!"

"Take back your books."

"If that's all you had to say then don't come by anymore." He turned his back to me to go up the stairs.

"I won't be indebted to you," I raised my voice.

"If that's what you're worried about, don't be. I don't need anything from you." He continued up the stairs leaving the conversation with much to be desired.

James was never an easy conversation. Getting on his bad side like that annoyed me for some reason. But from the looks of it, the books were about as meaningful as crumbs on the floor to him. I was just the nearest donation bin, it hurt me a little that I'd been exactly what I tried to avoid. Pathetic, but I had to get used to it, it was the trade off for my choices. The bitter bite I had to chew and swallow.

So I took my brand new books to get the money back and started using his old books. It was kind of helpful since he had written on them. Sometimes in class we'd start a new chapter and there was some random doodle on it that made me laugh. The best one so far was a satire rendition of the exact same professor I had for Bio 101 called the Looney Tooney comparing him to a cartoon of the Hunter trying to catch Bugs Bunny which his face resembled a tad too much.

"What are you smiling at?" The fellow student who I sat next to exchange notes with asked me.

"Moby Dick," I responded.

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.