After washing up I craved hot chocolate and went to the kitchen to get some. James was in the backyard with his gear back on. He rode away in the same car that brought us back. Off to skiing again no doubt.

Much later my doubts were quelled when everyone came back except him.

"Finally." One of the boys said.

"You were especially inspired out there today," Lindsey said.

"Inspired huh? Is that what we're calling it these days?" The other boy said.

"More like angry. He left us in the dust and still had energy to stay behind." The first one clocked James' attitude.

"Bet they kicked him out," one of the girls laughed.

Was the guilty party of one present? I made him angry because I was too wrapped up in my feelings for him. He didn't linger and went straight upstairs to his room.

"All right it's probably best we get ready. The staff is making sure we have our last dinner extra special tonight." One of the girls said as if every night here hadn't been a special dinner of sorts.

As everyone left to their room I was the last one of out of the living room with my hot chocolate. I liked when the living room was solitary just for me, the windows, and evergreen trees.

*

In my Bardot neckline long sleeved sweater and necklace I decided not to wear any makeup. I was too tired from my nap and awkwardly looking at what to do with my face. A red lip seemed inappropriate to wear after my fight with James. I didn't want him to look at me, not after making him mad. Even putting my hair up bothered me as i remembered his lingering presence behind me. Still I had no choice my hair was not exactly in position to be let down. I stopped looking at my face and left for the dining room.

During dinner tensions ran high for me. He did look at me except in a way he hadn't before. Had I pushed it too far? Would explaining myself make it all better? Right and tell him to not bw be mad because I like him? No! Still I knew the line was too close for comfort. I was a hairline width of fracturing my resolve.

James drank responsibly as everyone got wasted. Wasn't it peculiar that on other days he'd drank his fair share for a buzz? And on New Years the girls said he got drunk after mixing a thousand drinks or so when I was fast asleep. So why hold back now? I'd never seen a man stay sober when his feelings swirled around him like a cloudy dark day. It was impressive his restraint. I was not so strong as I headed for the whiskey.

On the floor to I sat by the window away from the fireplace to cool myself. The whiskey swirled like my thoughts staring outside alone or so I thought. My reflection out of focus revealed James eyes towards me. He found me out but it was as if I wanted to be discovered. Was I waiting for him to find me? God my mind sickened me like the sea did to some people. I touched my neck getting bothered by my body.

The clock made everyone disappear from the living room. Our looks continued as we played gigantic Jenga, cards, uno, clue, but when the money bets begun most of the girls flipped to just drinking or going to sleep. The last ones were Jenna and one of the boys who laughed up the stairs together to her room. As I looked up at them I saw it was time to leave. Lindsey was passed out and James then carried her off.

The last drop of my whiskey cup dropped on my tongue. Thinking about James' looks I smiled on the way back to my room. I was taking too much pleasure of these little things between us. I took off my shoes and laid down thinking back to our kiss, him on top of me, our dance, the sauna. But a knock on my door interrupted my daydreaming. Was that Sam? Of course it was since Jenna was otherwise busy.

"What are you doing?" Oh James? Was he annoyed or angry?

"Um laying in bed."

"I meant why did you look at me like that early?" He asked from the doorway but I walked off.

"I just looked at you is all."

"Really?"

"Weren't you the one looking at me first?"

"That's well documented between us. I want to know why you did that." He asked bothered by it but I looked at him just the same as I did earlier.

"I'm sleepy I should sleep."

"Answer me."

"Answer what?"

"Fine, don't answer me. Just leave your hair down then."

"What?" I smiled at him wondering about the request.

"Just do it please."

"I think I want, no need another glass. Get me some?"

"Two McCallans neat is plenty." He walked in to the room.

"I didn't fill the cup," I touched his nose.

"You are not sober," James then led me to the bed.

"You think?"

"There you go," he helped me sit.

"What do you feel when you touch me?"

"Okay sober is so far beyond you. And trust me this is a dangerous game you can't play right now."

"You're no fun!"

"Fine. It's not like you'll remember."

"Okay tell me, tell me," I asked excitedly.

"Um touching you... reminds me of that sauna." He thought of the next words. "You have to find your breath. It's like being scorched by the sun in Rio in the middle of February. Ever been there?"

"In my dreams does that count?"

"So in your dreams you'd go to Rio?"

"With good company. What did you do there anyway?"

"What else is there to do in Rio except love life? You party, you live in the water to beat the heat. And most importantly you learn the Samba with beautiful women."

"Get out."

"Why?" He acted surprised by my change of tone.

"I don't like you anymore."

"You liked me at one point?"

"No. And now I won't."

"You're impossibly unpredictable. I swear you'll drive me crazy."

"I'll curse you to an eternity of something evil."

"No curse me to something good. Like love."

"You already love," I said but he didn't understand, "every girl you meet."

"I do not. I'll agree to kissing some here and there but people have better imaginations than needed."

"I stand by my word."

"Well you're sitting so take it back or I will leave without turning the lights off and you'll have to get up and do it yourself."

"Fine. But I won't curse you to love. There's something better than love isn't there?"

"Still, I'd settle for love."

"I hate that word. Settle. I hate all things superficial."

"Would you want me drown in love then?"

"Yes! A million times yes! If it's not a part of you, wherever you go, whatever you do, if you don't gasp for it when you're apart and even when you're as close as two can get, then what's the use?"

"You petrify me entirely Miss Wright."

"I petrify myself. I want beauty, purity, elaborate schemes or it's not love James." I laid down to look at the ceiling. "I want to dance barefoot in an embrace by the warmth of a fireplace."

There it was, so real, my dreamland permeated by romance.

"And who's dancing with you?"

"I don't know."

"You should."

"Find me someone, who feels and sees like me. Im not even sure men love. Maybe only other men. Isn't that funny?" I chuckled. "I have the capacity to love like no one's seen yet. And no one will."

"How can you say such a sad thing?"

"I hide. I'm a high stoned wall. And I'm the one who's doomed. I'm doomed to protect my inner world forever."

"An eloquent drunk who would've known." He said and I shrugged. "I think I see you now. Keeping me and the world at arms length."

"So stay there." I put my arm out and he pulled me up to look at him.

"Why won't you let the world see you?" He asked but I didn't want to answer I wanted to be in his arms.

"Because it won't let me be me as I am. I despise that I can't exist."

"You exist!" He shook me and I shook my head.

"No! I don't. I don't."

"You do. Do you hear me?" He held my face.

"I refuse to get lost in daydreams. I'll keep strong and resist all temptation calling me."

"Tell me what to do, so you can be yourself. What do I do?"

"No one can. I only exist in my mind. Like someone long past body's inhabiting a place hundred of years old."

"You're here now. Be here now. Completely."

"It's not your choice. And it's not mine. It simply is. Let me be." I said instead of get away from me.

My feelings complicated my vision of going through college without this. College wasn't for suffering it was for fun. And wasn't admiring from afar good enough anymore? Why did every feeling need to come true? Shouldn't I be happy I was even feeling something like this again?

"Can't you make an exception?" He came closer to me and I resisted well enough to die inside.

"I'm sleepy."

"Okay I'll help you to bed."

"Thank you," I nodded.

"You feel okay?"

"I'm okay," I said but I wasn't in any way.

"Hours of idleness."

"What?"

"Remember that tomorrow."

He lowered the lights on his silhouette and I watched it as best as I could.

"Can you um not turn it off completely. I like the warm low light."

"You need anything else?"

"That's all." I nodded wanting for him to get out so I could close my eyes and not think anymore, not see him, not feel for a little while.

After that everything went black.

*

The next day I woke up with an upset stomach so I went straight for the soda before breakfast. I needed food as well. My appetite was always at its peak in the morning. The staff watched me as I watched the food being brought out. Where was everyone? I was hungry!

Most people did not wake up to breakfast that morning. Sam came around eventually, then Lindsey, and another boy I couldn't remember his name for the life of me. But the memory of James putting me in bed hit back.

I never should've let him in the room while that drunk. Oh no what if something bad would've happened to me? Grandma had spent her time scaring me half to the death of the city and I'd forgotten when it mattered the most.

Then I remembered things like a clear light coming to show me how the dark tunnel looked.

No! No, I looked up at James sitting in front of me but I couldn't get up. It would be too obvious to do that now since he was the last one to the table. Ugh I'd never been this ashamed of a boy.

God help me.

My romantic notions were meant for myself only. Now he knew everything, everything I didn't want him to know. He would see me in my true form and be able to do more damage than Adam ever did. At least Adam was a walking red flag how would I be able to keep myself safe from James? I needed to be prepared for what he would do next, an imminent attack no doubt.

James watched me in another way while eating his breakfast. I liked how politely he ate. Taking small bites. Mostly I'd seen boys down their food like it was going to run away from the table. So many times I caught myself being disgusted by boys because of this. Even my high school crush was not fully raised to act like a gentleman. How stupid my high school football crush seemed, what a disaster those feelings were.

Yet this little quirk was sadly a direct result of my mother. When I was little she taught me plates, glasses, cutlery and other table manners the way she'd been taught when she was little. A thorough Belle inbred who ended up away from home. What a thing to remember at this moment. I'd hated it because I liked to eat pizza hanging off the table with Jeremy sipping sprite. But this weekend reminded me I walked a thin line between who I was and what my mother had raised me to be.

James' eyes might as well have been announcing there was something between us to Sam and Lindsey. When Lindsey didn't budge from the breakfast table I did, leaving them behind.

I freaked out in the room by myself pacing. Looking out the window I shook my head. Then sat down putting my knees up to my face in shame. Why? Why did I have to blab my thoughts whenever I was drunk?

A knock. God who was it? Him? Sam? Jenna? I took a breath and opened the door.

"Good morning," James smiled standing outside my door too satisfied.

This was it. He was ready to attack but I could pull out my nonchalant face from my bag of costumes. Like an actress getting into character I hid my true self again. After all I learned what it was like to be under someone's thumb. Like my true form was a crime that got me arrested any time it came out.

"Sure is," I answered dryly.

"You okay?"

"Can't complain."

"Something's the matter?"

"No. Why?"

"I thought you might get sick and if you were I brought you something to make you better." He handed me a juice looking thing.

"Thank you," I was caught off guard by the juice.

What was he doing? I almost put my arm out and threw him out from my doorway and then again another memory dropped. It was him pulling me up to him. Oh no...

"No problem."

I held the cold juice hoping it would freeze my heart over.

"Want to ski?"

"Not today."

"Too sick?"

"No I'm going to start packing up."

"What?" He lost his cool smile. "Why? I was thinking of extending our stay here. Or maybe going somewhere else. You and your friends would join us too." He almost touched me but then stopped just short of and in my mind I touched him too.

"Well I have a job to get back to but the girls could stay. I'll be happy to pass the message along if you want me to."

"And where are you staying? On campus?"

"Um no at Jenna's. I'll go back once school starts again."

"Okay." He nodded. "And it's okay. I'll let them know."

"Okay." I said but he still lingered at the doorway. I looked at him and he looked down at me.

Our bodies radiating a tension that would melt our surroundings. I wanted to bite my mouth trying to keep it away from him but I couldn't move so I bit down on my teeth while he stood there with nothing to add. I waited for him to leave to see how long he would push this moment.

"When are you leaving then? Tomorrow?" He asked.

"No tonight. I have to be back in the city tomorrow morning."

"That quick?" He blinked and raised his brows.

"Yes."

"Okay." He nodded postponing his departure then gulped knowing he had to talk or go. "Your hand must be freezing," he wrapped his hand around the juice to take it away but I didn't let go and he tightened his hand. I didn't flinch. I couldn't.

"I'll put it down then." I said and he let go so I went to the drawer by the mirror and set it down. He waited by the door and I took another breath since he couldn't see me.

"Can I come in?" He knocked on the doorway.

"It's your house," I said back to him and he walked in.

He looked around either for something specific or unsure of something. Then he looked at the bed. Thinking of yesterday? I looked too and his words came screaming out into my head, "be here now, completely!" I was at the edge of fear he would talk about it. Please don't touch the subject, I pleaded with him silently.

"Did I do something wrong yesterday?" He asked, damn me, he talked about it.

"Not that I know of. Did you do something wrong?"

"No, of course not. I would never. You believe me?"

"I don't know. I blacked out."

"Oh you did? So you don't remember yesterday?"

"Mostly no."

"Ah," he said disappointed.

"Why? What happened yesterday?" I second guessed myself now, had I kissed him?

"We just talked. You're a great drunk talker. Very eloquent."

Eloquent triggered his sweet words: he saw me. This was what he said to me right before I put my arm out to keep him away. Why? I don't want to remember anymore. Stop coming back to me or I might go crazy with these feelings.

"Am I? My friends say I talk non sense."

"No, no nonsense at all. You say beautiful things. Vulnerable and pure things. There was a bit of silliness there. I would however be careful who you get drunk around."

"Okay dad."

"Look I have a very young sister, you can't blame me. And another one who used to be in the same classes as me. But she's a genius so she's done while I, still toil away."

"I didn't know about the younger one."

"I'll show you my wallet some time."

"Okay."

"Do you need help packing?"

"Uh no I think I'm good." I almost chuckled at his offer, it was kind of cute.

"Well drink your juice then, don't want it to get warm, trust me."

"Here I go." I picked up the juice and drank it while he watched me. He made me a little self conscious was I losing my cool?

"I'll leave you to it."

"Um hm," I nodded.

"Don't leave without saying bye." He said and I raised my thumb at him. He chuckled and shook his head finally going away.

James was adorably cute when nervous. He touched the back of his head a lot and nodded. I never would have thought this was the same relaxed and charismatic guy everyone knew. How mistaken first impressions were. But he had helped drunken Lindsey too and they had kissed during New Years. I was getting ahead of myself easily impressed wasn't I? I panicked even more about our conversation at my inebriated state. Then again his reflected eyes on me through the green tinted windows was a moment I wouldn't soon forget.

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.