James kissed me and I stared at him when he let go. The surprise on my face as I saw him and he backed off towards the door. Where was he going?

"Just think about it. I'll wait." He said and left me.

Why would he do this to me? Make me realize I wanted him only to leave me running over like wine at mass with no chalice to hold me together. My breath tumbled me back on my feet and I almost went after him but the shock of his magnetism had me reeling. I knew his charisma extended socially yet its effects were few on me. But his kiss was as warm as a humid summer flushing my cheeks breaking me into sweat from my toes to my forehead that I touched looking at the mirror.

*
The next morning I woke up forgetting about what had been before James hypnotized me out of my darkness. Slowly opening my eyes only to close them back up and remember our kiss I didn't want to get up or dressed. Then a shy knock on my door, I hadn't turned on the lights and sat up.

"Come in," I said and in came Sam to my bed. "Come, come, it's cold," she ran over to me.

"Thanks."

"Of course," I said caressing her hair as she curled up to me. 

"Uuuu," she hugged me.

For a few seconds she was silent, this had never been a good indication.

"I called my parents yesterday," Sam said and I hoped she had better luck than me.

"And?"

"They hung up on me."

"Oh."

"Did you call yours?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Come here," I hugged her tighter.

"Not fair," she said tearing up.

"What happened during the call?"

"My father told me not to call them."

The air was knocked out of me. Did their resentment know no end! I despised them. I knew no matter how many services they attended or how much they prayed it might as well have been to air. Loathsome little people who Sam had the disgrace to be related to. I wanted to scream all my hateful thoughts towards them out loud.

"I'm sorry Sam," was all I could do when she needed comfort and not my pure rage.

"I try to understand them. But I don't think I could hate my own daughter like this. I used to be an assertive child and they tried to beat it out of me to make sure I did everything they asked of me. How would I ever toe the line of being smart and submissive? They always walked around town so proud of me and now they won't take any credit for anything. I'm a chip in their perfect frame they don't want anymore so they threw me away." Sam cried and I wanted to cry with her. Her words cut me too yet they cut her deeper. So I pressed her head to my chest.

"You're not chipped. There is nothing wrong with you, there never was." I looked for the best words I could find. "You're full of love, sharp, elegant. You were the only who made Rachel afraid of losing. If their love depends on you being their foot soldier and not their daughter then isn't that too high a cost to pay? You don't have to make yourself small to fit in anyone's molded picture of who you are."

"It is too high and I know that. Bur sometimes it hits me. And it's like a slap to the face. It'll never make sense to me. Why couldn't they love me?"

This was the anvil that broke my patience. At times like this I felt my friends beneath my lungs. Jeremy, Jackie, grandma, how were they dealing when life got tough? I wanted to be at least other 10 people and stick by them like angels do to those they protect. If my life had resumed in making sure my friends would be fine I would strangely be happy just watching them. Maybe it was a part of being a constant observer but I felt them.

"Give me a second?"

"Where are you going?"

"Just a second." I hurried to grab the phone and dialed Sam's home number.

"Who are you calling?"

"Good morning, Carter residence." Sam's mom picked up.

"You're going to rot in hell. Mark my words. You think God would let you in after what you did to Sam you've got another thing coming! Enjoy earth because your afterlife will be remembering this call!" I hung up the phone and looked at Sam whose eyes looked scared.

"Was that my..."

They were her parents what was I thinking? The longest pause in the history of our friendship happened before I word vomited.

"I'm sorry Sam. I couldn't take it anymore. I'll apologize to them if you want me to but I couldn't just let this be. You are my best friend and I can't stand it! Ever since they kicked you out I've had to fake smiles on Sunday when I wanted to pounce on them! I know this was bad but maybe I can't be good anymore. Maybe I was only good because of my parents or being underage but also call me!"

"What?"

"Call me instead of them and I'll answer you. Don't call anyone who makes you sad. Call me. Please." I bowed my head in shame because they were her parents but still angry with a thirst for justice.

"You're crazy."

"I believe I may be."

"You've really changed. We used to say these things only to each other."

"Probably."

"You're..."

"Getting weirder by the day?"

"No. Romantic."

"Romantic?"

"Sometimes I've wished I breathed your romantic air. It's your own shiny halo from where I stand."

"So you're not mad at me?" I asked still trembling in fear of pushing her away.

"Thank you." She said and I sighed.

"Anytime."

"I'll hold you to it," Sam hugged me.

"I'll give you the ties."

"Agreed," she nodded."Just don't breathe too near James.  He looks like he might die if you look his way."

"I'll do my best."

"Or don't," she shrugged leaving my room.

Reality directed each of us away from what was native to us. Deep bonds, time, art, this was the land I claimed in my mind. Stuck to my romanticism I often escaped there to ask God why he wouldn't fulfill my wish as it was in heaven on earth. No tears, no abandonment, or distance. No dying.

I could touch all of it in my head, just a step away. But this step agonized me by itself, through my friends, through afflictions, through all this dreaming I was doing. I longed for a place where sweetness wouldn't be trampled on. Faking every day of my life that I was tougher than I was, that things didn't hurt me when I felt everything. Looking the other way to avoid seeing my wounds as they were mine to bear. Every tiny thing scratched me like concrete I was lacerated by this world even though I had it in me to survive. Yet sometimes I hung by a string I feared would snap and send me permanently into darkness. If romance could permeate every facet of life, from friends to soulmates without breaking anyone's heart, I'd happily die or live.

If I could but find my equal in thought and heart I had a feeling that my love would run too deep. I'd lose myself completely and without ever being truly free I'd lost too much with Adam. Love even in blood birth was a high some of us couldn't afford. Still to find oneself in another was a romance forged by the stars themselves. And my romanticism exposed me like a soldier at the front line.

*
At breakfast everyone was planning their trip to the slopes.

"It's not that bad Ems," Jenna tried to convince me to go.

"Don't you remember how bad I was at gym?" I told her.

"She doesn't that's why she's saying that," Sam answered.

"Thank you," I said.

"I'll help then," James insisted and all my protesting ceased.

"I thought you wanted to go to the north woods. It's too dangerous for her there. Let her get lessons today," Lindsey chimed in.

"Exactly from me. I'll join you all later, don't worry," he assured her.

"Great James will stay with us newcomers and the rest of you can go experience the thrill of the northwoods." Sam said.

"Sounds like a plan," James got up and Sam led me down to pick out clothes.

*

After getting stuffed like a turkey in the skiing suits, we went out to get to the lifts. Getting there was only the beginning and the equipment was a humiliation itself. As the feet gear was another thing to prove I had no sense of balance. I never understood chickens more than I did now. How could they do everything on those tiny flimsy feet.

"Wow, your form is..." James looked at me as Sam was getting taught by Jenna.

"Professional? I know."

"Come on, just raise them off the floor." He told me.

"No. I'm scared."

"Nothings going to happen. You'll slide from here to there that's all."

"And fall."

"The snow isn't that hard. Trust me," he raised his eyebrows.

"Fine." I raised the sticks and I slid down towards to where he was and was stopped by him.

Too close to him I somehow found my balance quickly.

"Now I'm going down and you'll go down a little further if you get scared remember your feet right."

"Yes got it," I showed him.

"I'll be right there."

"Alright."

James went down first and signaled for me to go. I raised the sticks and let go the same way as the last time. But then he went down a little farther as I was near him. And I kept going alone but he did it again. But I kept going picking up speed and he saw it as yelled out his name.

"James!" I panicked trying to stop but took a tumble.

James sprinted towards me somehow without his gear while I got the snow out of my mouth and there he was by me. I looked at him taking off my glasses and he did so too.

"I told you," I shrugged with a smile.

"As a punishment I'm going to make you do it again for the scare."

"No please forgive me."

"It's fine. We'll call it even. You tried and maybe I'm not a good teacher."

"If it's any consolation I don't think that's the problem."

"Hmm..." He shrugged. "Just one more time then and I'll let you go." Except he didn't.

Such a teacher he was that he made me do it three more times after I felt safe again. We were almost all the way down.

"Last one and we'll be down there," he pointed.

"Really?!" I asked excited.

"Yeah I'll go first just come after me."

Glad he insisted I nodded proud of my accomplishment and maybe a little bit too excited because I went straight into him way like an arrow. I didn't tumble though our bindings got tangled but he was quick grabbing the back of my head as we fell and he landed on top of me. I could barely breathe it was good he couldn't see my eyes as I looked up at him wishing he'd just kiss me again. The skiing clothes were like a flashback like the sauna at his place from how hot they were.

"Are you okay?"

"Um hm," I shook my head lightly.

"Let's go back to the house?"

"Okay." I said almost unhappy as I could start it this mountain all over again if he was there with me. Wow was I sick? Maybe I had a fever and this had nothing to do with feelings.

*

We rode back to the house just us two we went through the basement door to get the clothes off.

"I'll help," he said unzipping it at once and I watched him.

My pulse was so accelerated I could feel my skin pulsating. I didn't know if I wanted him to tell by my face I wanted him or not. I stepped out of the clothes and wiped my neck. He began to undo his and I wanted to reach out and help him too. But anxiously kept my hands to myself. God why did he have to kiss me like that yesterday? Annoyed by my feelings and his actions I walked out leaving him for the kitchen looking for cold water.

"You okay?" He said watching me chug water.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he grabbed my water bottle and then proceeded to drink out of it too.

"Stingy much?" He joked, " you'd think that for someone who just saved your life you'd be willing to share at least water with." He said as I got away from the kitchen.

I couldn't even be in the same room with him. I was so bothered by everything he did because he did it so well. How many girls had been in this position before? Completely taken by him. And had he been a jerk I could justify enforcing a distance from him. I could move on but the more he did the more I saw a better man. I began to take off the heat insulation long sleeve shirt by the time I hit the living room in anger from the heat with my sports bra revealed. He followed after me all the way into the bedroom and I fought with my socks.

"Stupid socks," I complained and he laughed.

"What is wrong with you?" He asked.

"Why are you following me?!"

"To give you back your water."

"I don't want it."

"Okay I didn't know you didn't like sharing drinks. I'll get you a new one."

"No!"

"No?"

"Just leave me alone, please." My please sounded nicer or more desperate based on his judgment.

"Oh," his smile faded. "Right." He shook his head and backed up leaving me.

"God help me." I said without being able to go after him.

I took a shower and as the hot water fell I saw nothing but him. God my mind wandered to having him here with me. I wouldn't last one more day in this house close to him.

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.