The lights came on announcing we were back in Winchester Airport about to touch down I lamented the end of our flight by sliding my shoes back on in the back of my feet. Sam was on the aisle in my row and I'd taken the window. Not a lot of ppl flew to Winchester so we had an empty middle seat.

I'd spent the hours observing the clouds like a kid at a park. For some heaven was spiritual, for me it was both majestic and touchable. I liked the ambiguity of not being close enough to earth, and it's chaos, or craziness, but just up there in this place none could touch me.

On the way to Jenna's house the tension of being back caught me off guard. I'd been longing for home for mom's pastries even. But this place wasn't mine anymore. I'd become a stranger to the never changing place. Now the painful limits kept me out of places I couldn't go back to, approach, find a present anymore, except for one...

"Hey can you drop me off at the park?" I asked Jenna's driver at a red light.

"Are you sure?" Jenna asked.

"Yes, take Sam home so she can finish her sleep." I looked over at Sam who was still dozing off from her meds.

At the light I got off the car. I had brought something for grandpa so I walked over to where he was. Upon the sight of new flowers I felt a relief he'd not been abandoned. So I opened my bag and sat down in front of his picture.

"Hey grandpa. I'm back." I talked, "weird right? Living in New York City. It's still weird to grasp I did it. I'd always wanted to just see it but now I get to live there. Well because of grandma anyways. You were right about there being a whole world out there I had yet to see. You and grandma had your own adventures. You were the last true romantics I ever knew. I often think of how you'd talk about her. Look at her. I think she misses it when she stares at your picture on the wall in the kitchen. I think I do the same in New York often trying to step in the same places you would've stepped when you were meeting the world, hoping to feel you a bit. Daddy fell far from the tree in that sense. There's so many people in New York I don't you would've liked very much. But I do. I really really do. I don't feel exposed to the elements like here. It was like I was constantly waiting for the next cut, always on edge. There I can breathe you know? I think I've been holding my breath since you've been gone. Anyways I guess I just wanted to thank you for marrying grandma. She's helped me breathe again."

"I know you're not too happy with me and daddy but I promise someday soon I'll fix it. Or I'll try my best anyways. But you know how things are. Oh I did get a job! I was almost hoping I wouldn't get someone to cover my shifts for Christmas but seeing grandma is always good. I guess not a lot of people celebrate Christmas. New Yorkers work a lot more than I thought they did. And the city is like those old postcards you had. I bet you'd love my uniform getup for Christmas at my job. I can imagine the jokes you'd make." I chuckled.

"So have you been watching over grandma? Making sure she's okay when I'm not here? Well you better. And I know you never wanted gifts but also how much you liked handmade ones so I got you something special, for us to share." I showed him my necklace charm with his initial on it. "This one is mine and this one is yours." I undid the necklace with my initial on it to bury next to his tombstone. Using a spoon from the airplane I dug then buried it in front of the tombstone.

"Merry Christmas grandpa. I'll always be next to you. I already made my wish you know. When I get up there I'm going to find you and we won't ever be separated again. No death. No sickness. Just eternity and you putting up with me." I looked at his picture then closed my eyes to say a prayer then a hand on my shoulder startled me.

"Merry Christmas to you too," voice said and I turned around.

"Daddy!" I jumped up to throw myself at him for a hug. "Daddy," I snuggled into his chest from how much I had missed him. "How did you know?"

"I didn't I was driving by! Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" He was frazzled by my sudden appearance.

"I didn't know if I should. I didn't want to put you in a tough spot."

"It's Christmas Emmy, you should have told me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't. You're here and you're coming home with me."

"No. I should stay at grandma's. I like it there. And you can come see me when you want."

"What about Christmas? You'll come right? You won't be spending Christmas with Jenna too?"

"Sorry I already said I would but grandma will be with you though."

"No this isn't right. You need to spend it with us. We're your family Emmy. No matter what happens."

"Of course you are but it's okay. Right now things are tense. Let's try again next year. You just need to have a little patience," I smiled patting daddy's hair.

"You're too young to be saying such things. I should be the one telling you this."

"I love you daddy."

"I love you more," he put me under his chin.

Even this hug wasn't the same. It wasn't the kind of hug I'd grown up with. It was like living outside of my skin. Nothing fit and I couldn't do anything about it.

*

The days leading up to Christmas were peaceful back at grandmas farm. I'd even gone as far as to turn off my alarm clock and stir in bed like a well marinated broth catching up on sleep. It was getting colder out and I waited for a white Christmas.

"What are you sighing about?" Grandma asked as I sat playing grandpa's records.

"Oh just thinking it'd be nice if it snowed like last year."

"You never know. Oh and I meant to tell you I saw the young boy the other day. Adam."

"Oh, was he rude to you?" I got defensive.

"No, he just looked scared of me at first. Then sad. He was with someone and it seemed like he'd approach me and say something but then he gave up."

"Of course." I rolled my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. It's just I used to feel like a coward but now I think I see him as one. I thought he was brave. But... I guess I was just mistaken."

"If it doesn't feel right then stay away Emmy. I don't want that boy to mess with you again. You're doing good now. You're doing great," she kissed my forehead and hugged me while I sat on the sofa.

"Don't worry, he won't." I assured her and we listened to Joni Mitchell together.

Adam was just another uncomfortable part of this town. But our part was one I didn't want any part in. I'd been afraid to face it and hoped he'd be like a foggy day his presence lingered yet never transformed into anything tangible and whole in front of me. Gone soon.

*

Grandma and I were headed back to Huntswood on Christmas Eve, her to dad's and me to Jenna's. Mom was having uncle Ray, Jackie, and Jeremy over there for Christmas dinner. And on the day after Christmas day Jeremy, Jackie, Sam and I had plans to hang out. It was nice because we'd be out of the way for Jenna to enjoy with her parents the holiday. But on Christmas Eve Jenna's parents had decided to throw a Christmas Eve party dinner.

"What do I wear?" I asked Sam being limited in clothes selection.

"With me right here you'd dare ask her?" Jenna joked and pulled me into her closet. "Now I'm sure something will fit you. If not there's always my mother's closet."

"I'm sure something here will do."

Jenna's liberalism with her things panicked me as if I were still five hearing mom tell me not to share my clothes. I wasn't allowed to play dress up with Sam and Jackie as they might ruin my clothes. Even little things like this pulled up a mirror to make me see the difference in worlds in just one generous act.

Jenna put me in something her mom had bought for her ages ago. A lace dress still with tags on only to remind me of how easy it was to stack zeros at the end for a piece of fabric. I let my hair be its crazy natural thing and just pinned it back.

Looking at the dress I was reminded of the dresses my mom would pick out for me. This was a prime example of her taste. I was never into pink as much as her or ruffles. I was the daughter who ruffled her feathers constantly like a scratching carrot against a grater in every way I was. I had no idea how deeply I knew this until I wasn't there anymore, stuck by her side hoping for better days for us all. The day would never come for us, just for me.

"Can I change into something different?" I asked Jenna.

"Of course. Have fun." Jenna said and I wiggled out from what had always felt like a costume. This wasn't me anymore. I reached out for something more understated in color and deeper than a happy Christmas red, a dark maroon.

"Oh wow. Change of image. I like it."

"You think?" I needed affirmation even though I liked it.

"Yes absolutely. I didn't know you felt comfortable in something more mature. I think you look hot and classy as all heck." Jenna mimicked my grandma and I chuckled.

I was ready first. So I waited for the girls. Keeping my full attention on their talks of college. Watching them reminded me of how I missed watching movies with Jackie and Jeremy for Christmas. Yet I was still happy living this moment with the girls. My new life sank in little by little and just like that I was ready and eager for our Christmas Eve dinner.

"Come on what do you wanna drink?" Jenna asked.

"Jenna your parents are here," I whispered.

"Yeah so?" Jenna looked at me funny, "oh my God Ems they know I drink. I don't hide it from them. It's fine go ahead. They have a spiked cider, a spiked eggnog, a spiked..."

"Got it, I'll have the eggnog then." I stopped her before she went on.

I couldn't imagine having the same relationship Jenna had with her mother. My mother knowing I drank? Please not even my own my father. It wasn't an option for me and Sam. I knew a lot of it stemmed from church and poor Jackie personified all their worst fears. Jackie hadn't always been the warning sign our mothers used to scare us about everything out of our comfort zone but around 13 everything changed. Yet the only truly terrifying thing in my life had been my mother at every moment of my existence. Not God, Jackie, New York city, or the strangers in it were as panic inducing. The one person any girl was supposed to find comfort in was their mother. Wasn't that in the mother handbook? Weren't mothers meant to help their daughters because they knew first hand what it was like to be a girl in this world. Yet all I knew was this horrid nail clawing disdain towards me and even then I couldn't hate her. Well I couldn't love her either not because I didn't have it in me but because our relationship couldn't bear the weight of it. Now I saw how heavy my love had always been, to her, even to Adam.

"You know I've kept in touch with what's his name?" Jenna snapped her fingers trying to say. "The boy we went over his house together."

"James?"

"Yes I've kept in touch with his friends, they invited us to go to Colorado with them for Christmas vacation slash New Years. New Years didn't seem like such a bad idea. My mom will be gone by then so I told them we'd go."

"What?"

"I know right? It'll be wonderful. Our first new years vacation."

"But I can't. I mean I don't think I should. Honestly."

"Oh is it because you like him? I think he likes you too. There's no problem there."

"Um no. We definitely don't."

"Great then. We'll just all have fun as friends."

"I don't have the money."

"Not a problem. It's all paid for by the guys."

"James and I had a disagreement you see so I couldn't possibly go." I'm trying to convince her whichever way I can but she becomes relentless when she wants something.

"Your grandma okayed it because she's fun like that. Don't you wanna get old like her and have all those good stories she likes to tell us?"

"When did you talk to my grandma?" I asked confused but it was no use I was going.

My grandma had a youth to her that was just timeless. She was never stressed, she took everyday for what it was, another pretty sunrise, another fruitful day, another day to go work with the land and talk to those she passed by. I didn't know what her philosophy was for being this way but I was sure grandpa told the truth when he said he fell for her right away.

"Oh no..." Jenna said and I looked at her. "Don't look," she told me.

"Why?" I looked anyway.

"Shit. I had no idea they were coming. I didn't look over the list." Jenna said gathering her posture to go to them. "Stay here," she told me and I nodded.

They were here, the last two people on earth I wanted to see, Adam and Rachel walking through the door with the mayor and his wife. I watched him and he locked eyes with me too fast, then diverted a polite handshake with Jenna. He didn't walk in with his usual brow measuring everything and everybody in the room. Even his boots were shiny unlike his usual undone style. Just a hair strand out of place wearing a silky printed shirt folded below the elbow under a black jacket which he took off. He still however wore black jeans, the only thing recognizable about him.

How much had he changed? It was best not to know anyways. Now at least I could think the person I fell in love with wasn't the one who stood in front of me here at Jenna's house. Who I loved was long gone in the past so I turned my back and went to look for another eggnog.

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.