T/W: Mentions suicide and death, also anxiety attacks.

****

Steve

Seeing a photo of Tim, gets me to thinking about a conversation that he and I had when he was about twelve or thirteen and I was about nine or ten. I'd asked Tim what he thought happened when we die.

Tim (The Science Nerd), started lecturing me on how at first, rigor mortis sets in, which is the body stiffening up, and then how it slowly begins to decompose.

"That's not what I meant," I said.

"Then what?" Tim gives me an odd look.

"I meant, do we go somewhere afterwards?" Tim was quiet for a long time.

"I couldn't say," Tim said at last.

"I like think we do," I said.

"You can think whatever you want to, Stevie." Tim leaned over, cuffing me on the back of the head, which led to a full blown wrestling match.

I smile. Tim and I certainly had our differences, but I still loved him.

***

"You're in the home stretch, Steve." Dave and Dustin had come to town for a few hours the Saturday before the wedding. Dave was the one commenting on how close we were to the wedding day. I nod.

"Yeah."

"Did you think you'd make it this far?" Dustin asks. We were walking down by the beach. I shrug. Dave and Dustin share a Look.

"You getting cold feet?" Dave asks.

"No."

"When why are you acting so weird?" Dave presses.

"I've just been thinking a lot about how...emotional Lex has been lately."

"Do you think Lex is getting cold feet?" Dustin asks.

"I don't know what to think," I reply.

"She's probably just scared that it won't happen at the last minute," Dave says.

"Of course it won't," I snap. "If Lex decides to off herself."

"Whoa, dude," Dustin says. "Take a breath." I do, tears stinging my eyes as I stare out at the ocean.

Tim would have handled this so much better.

"Are you worried Lex will try something again?" Dave asks.

"Yes."

"You need to discuss this with her," Dustin says. I shake my head. I could, but it wouldn't do anything except lead to a big argument and what if that pushes Lex over the edge? I'd have to live with the fact that I was the one who put my fiancée six feet under.

"Dude, you gotta," Dave insists.

"It won't do any good," I say.

"Or," Dave says. "It could change everything."

"I'll think about it," I say but I know I won't."

***
Lex

Three days before the wedding, Catherine and Lindsay arrive. Mom and I go to the airport to meet them.

I gotta admit; this week has been somewhat challenging. Steve has been a little..distant and I'm not sure why.

I've asked him a dozen times if he still wants to go through with the wedding and each time he says yes. I'm not buying it, though. Something is clearly bugging him.

I'm not sure if has to do with what happened with me or something else. Whatever it is, Steve obviously doesn't want to discuss it.

The people on the plane are slowly filing off now. In a few minutes, we spot Catherine and Lindsay. Mom rushes forward to hug Catherine, who laughs, throwing her arms around Mom. Lindsay looks like she wants to disappear. I chuckle, waiting for Catherine to come hug me.

"Lex, sweetie. It's so good to see you."

"Hey," I say, hugging Catherine. "It's good to see you, too." We pull apart and head for baggage claim.

"You excited?" Catherine asks me as we wait her and Lindsay's luggage.

"I wouldn't exactly use that term," I reply. Mom frowns.

"Are you and Steve having  some issues?"

"No," I lie. "I'm just having a hard time working up too much enthusiasm until I'm actually walking down the aisle."

"You just need to think positively," Catherine tells me.

Easy for you to say.

But I just nod and smile. No use getting into some heavy discussion when I don't have the mental energy for it.

***

"Lex, can we talk?" Steve is waiting for me when I get back from the airport. He looks..nervous.

Here we go. He's pulling out. He's decided that he's had enough.

"What is it?"

"Let's go sit down." I follow Steve to the couch and we sit down. I don't say a word. I can't. I'm too busy fighting back the tears.

"The thing is," Steve begins.

"You want out, right?" I whisper.

"No! Not at all."

"Then what?"

"It's just, I have concerns that maybe you'd whatever to not follow through with this wedding and marriage."

"You mean, you're afraid I'll...kill...myself."

"Yes."

"Steve, I've told you several times that I want to marry you," I say.

"You have," Steve agrees. "Except actions speak louder than words. And running off to kill yourself says a hell of a lot." He makes a strong argument.

"It was a shitty moment of weakness," I say quietly. "I didn't think about you or your feelings. That was wrong. I'm sorry."

"I get that you were in a shitty place, mentally," Steve says softly. "And how deeply you loved..Tim. But he's gone now. You need to decide if marrying me is really the right choice."

Immediately I'm on the defense. If Steve has these concerns earlier, he should have told me long before now. Instead of three days before our wedding. I nod, standing. I look past Steve. He just stares at me.

"I see." Steve stands up, trying to touch me. I sidestep him. As hurt as I am, I know Steve's right. I just wish he'd said something sooner.

"I'm sorry," Steve says.

"Me too." I go collect my cell, purse and car keys, heading out.

"Where are you going?" Steve demands.

"I need some time alone." I look hom dead in the eye. "Don't worry. I'm not gonna kill myself."

***

Steve

I feel like shit. I knew if I said something to Lex, she'd distance herself from me. I look at the clock on the wall in the living room. She's been gone nearly two hours. I tried calling her twice, but both times the call went straight to voicemail.

I've been trying to watch TV, but my mind just isn't on it. I finally turn the TV off and get up, pacing around the living room. I consider calling Eric or Grant, but decide against it. If Lex hasn't contacted either of them, they'll only become worried.

I peer outside. Dusk is falling. I wonder where Lex is. Has she decided to try and kill herself again? I sigh, turning away from the window. I don't know if I go out and start searching for Lex or just wait for her to come home. If she comes home.

I grab my cell, trying to call Lex again. It goes straight to voicemail. I listen to the recording of Lex's voice, tears pricking at my eyes.

'This is Lex. I can't get to my phone at the moment. So please leave your name, number and a brief message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.'

There's the beep, but I simply hang up. When I talk to Lex, it'll be in person.

****

Lex

I'm pulling back up to the house. I can see Steve standing by the front window. Relief washes over his face. I cut the engine and sit here, wiping away the last of my tears I've been crying.

After I'd left home, I just drove around town for a while. Then without really knowing it, I ended up at the...cemetery.   It'd been several weeks since I'd visited Speed's grave. I felt bad because I hadn't thought to bring some flowers.

When I reached Speed's grave, I ended up having major flashbacks of the day of his funeral. How I completely fell apart. Then....I completely fell apart again.

I collapsed on the ground, my fingers clutching at Speed's headstone, sobbing so hard, it hurt. I don't know how long I stayed in that position. At last, I sat up, still clinging to the headstone and hiccuping.

Finally when I could talk, I talked to Speed about everything I'd been struggling with since he died. It had grown nearly dark out by this time and I figured I really should get home before Steve called in the calvary to search for me.

Now what happened next, anyone could say I imagined it or whatever. But just as I turned to head back to the car: I saw Speed, standing there and smiling at me.

"It's okay, baby," Speed told me. "You go ahead and marry Steve." Then he was gone. Just like that.

Steve comes rushing out to me, babbling about how sorry he is and how he still wants to marry me. I throw myself into his arms, clinging.

"Yes, Steve. Everything is gonna be fine."