ive been listening to too many psychotic yandere playlists guys that mainly consist of jazmin bean bc theyre the best ever

cue the jazmin bean title

so yeah insane thomas LETS GO

this is kinda set at the beginning of tst, so after theyve escaped the maze but before theyre in the scorch

no au really - thomas went to the maze, chuck died, blah blah everything happened the same but thomas is kinda messed up because hes insane

come on, i would be too tbf if i was sent in a maze like a lab rat and forced to watch as someone who i knew hated me killed someone i thought of as a younger brother

i mean maybe i wouldnt be as insane as this but i'd go a bit mad

help this is kinda messed up but i loved writing it

TW: SUICIDE ATTEMPT MENTIONS/SUICIDE MENTIONS, INSANITY

Thomas doesn't believe death is the worst thing you could give someone. 

No, in fact, he believes it can sometimes be a gift. 

Like, for instance, now. 

He's chained to a hospital bed. He doesn't mind that part as much. The handcuffs around his wrists may be digging in and drawing blood, but it gives him something other to think about. The physical pain is easier to endure than the mental pain.

Bones heal, but you'll always have nightmares.

He does, however, mind the constant screaming.

Sometimes, he thinks he's imagining it, but then he looks up at the screen - the screen showing Newt.

The screen showing Newt climbing, climbing, climbing, just to fall, fall, fall. 

"You can stop this, Thomas." Janson had said. 

"You can live happily with him." Janson had promised.

But Thomas knows better than to believe pretty lies. 

He wants the ugly truth. He knows he's going to get it sooner or later, so why not sooner?

Thomas looks up at the ceiling. White. White like the lights, like the bed, like the door, like the walls. 

White, like the end of the knife Janson had left hanging under the screen on a chain. Hanging like a pendulum. It goes left. Then right. Left. Then right. Left. Then ri-

Thomas smiles.

Yeah, he thinks.

He wants to die.

----

It isn't his fault.

It isn't. It isn't, it isn't, it isn't.

If he says it enough, it'll be true. 

That's how it works.

Right? Right.

Newt called him pretty. When Thomas didn't believe it, he repeated it and repeated it and repeated it and repeated it until all his thoughts were "Maybe I am pretty.". 

"It isn't my fault." He says. "It isn't my fault." 

The lights flicker above, mocking him.

----

Sometimes, Thomas will wake up and he'll feel normal. Those are the days he wants Newt to kiss him on the forehead as a promise - a promise to a safe haven for them to go to.

He cries on those days, hands tugging against the handcuffs as he cries in pain - mental and physical - and tears wetting the duvet on top of him. 

He wonders if Newt is alive. 

But then, there are other days.

Days where Thomas wakes up and he stares.

He stares and stares and stares, until his neck is tired of being in the same position for such a long time. Until he hears a particularly loud scream, which is when he looks up at the screen, just to stare at it. 

The screen is the worst thing to stare at.

The continuous rhythm of Newt, running into the maze. Newt, climbing up the ivy. Newt, looking at the camera. Newt, jumping.

It's on 24/7.

He wonders how much electricity WICKED would need for the damn screen per day.

The mere thought makes him burst out laughing and he doesn't know why. His body racks with laughter and he's in absolute hysterics because- well, because WICKED doesn't know loss. They have electricity and they have money and they have all the things they'd ever need because they stole it all from dead, past-the-gone citizens. 

Those are the days the screen finally goes off and the screaming is in his brain instead of outside his brain.

----

The knife is closer.

It's touching his thigh ever so slightly. 

He doesn't know why it's there, or who moved it.

But it's there, and it's touching his upper leg, and he kind of wants to feel the pain it'd give him if it scraped him. 

But that'd make him crazy, and he isn't crazy.

He pushes his leg into the knife's edge, smiling at the pain it gives him. 

----

There's a different clip on the screen when he wakes up.

It's a clip from when Thomas was in the Slammer, and Newt was looking down and said, "Get off your arse, and finish what you started." in that lovely voice of his. 

Janson's standing by the door, too.

He mutters a sentence, then leaves.

"Perhaps you should tell Newt to do the same." 

Thomas smiles. Maybe they could die together.

guys ive not gone mad i swear

part 2 maybe possibly who knows

im

sane 

i promise xxx

also at the end there janson's saying thomas should tell newt to (tw) kill himself if that werent obvious