Kevin was late, and I was ready to kill him.

I didn’t even know why I was so angry. I was sitting in Starbucks with a fresh cup of coffee, which was like the poor man’s version of psychiatric treatment. I had made some serious progress on my English project the night before. I had even gotten rid of the single biggest annoyance in my life—Alexander Lin. So what exactly was I so unsatisfied, so angry about?

You’re crazy, I told myself firmly. You’ve actually lost it thanks to these stupid college apps.

It definitely didn’t help that Dad was only adding to the pressure of college. He’d grilled me before I left for Starbucks (supposedly to meet my “friends”), making me promise to get in an extra hour of college research. I had barely even been paying attention to him, though. I could have sworn that his entire face had transformed into this flashing neon sign that read: Harvard…Harvard…Harvard…Harvard…

So that was my home life for the time being. It was no wonder that I was practically the poster zombie for the zombie apocalypse, and that was before a voice nearly shocked me into dumping coffee all over myself.

“You know it’s disgusting that you dump so much crap into your coffee, right?”

I choked mid-sip at the sound of Kevin’s voice, which I hadn’t heard in weeks. Then Kevin himself was bending down and peering at me in concern. He seemed older, wiser somehow. There were traces of stubble around his mouth and he looked slimmer than ever.

“What—how—where—?” All the questions I wanted to ask him got jumbled together. “Where the hell have you been?” I finally settled on asking.

Kevin slid into the seat across from me and fixed his eyes on something above my head. “Oh, around,” he said faintly.

“Around where?”

“You know, here and there.”

“Kevin—”

The faint smile on his face disappeared and he stood up abruptly. “If you’re just trying to get me to spit out what I’ve been doing, I’m going to leave.”

“No! Sorry,” I said hastily, nearly dumping my coffee all over the table as I yanked Kevin back into his seat. “Okay, okay, you win. I’ll stop prying.”

Kevin sat down slowly, eyeing me as though he was waiting for two more heads to sprout on my neck. “Good. Now I wanted to talk to you about something.” He drummed his fingers on the table and studied me. “You’re finishing up your college applications, right?”

I nearly spit out my coffee. “What…yeah, but since when have you cared?” I was under the impression that Kevin hadn’t even cared about his own college applications. It was a wonder a university had accepted him at all.

“I don’t,” Kevin said, “but I’m here to tell you not to care too much.”

“I don’t care too much,” I denied on reflex.

Kevin raised his eyebrow and gave me a pointed look. “That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard,” he said finally.

“Kevin, when have you ever heard me lie?”

He glared at me. “Do you really want me to list them all? How about the time you wouldn’t admit you ate half my Halloween candy? Or—”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” This conversation wasn’t going anywhere, and I didn’t want to waste the only visit I’d gotten from my brother in a good few weeks by arguing over a bunch of nonsense. “What did you want to say about my college apps?”

Kevin’s face smoothed over, and he shrugged nonchalantly. “Just don’t stress out too much.”

“Um…what?”

“Don’t stress out about Harvard or Stanford or whatever. Don’t give me that look, Nancy. I know you’ve probably been in full-out panic mode for the past few weeks, and it’s just not worth it.”

I stared at Kevin, waiting for him to go on. When it was clear he had nothing more to say, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. “That’s it? That’s your little nugget of wisdom?”

“Hey, that was a pretty deep bit of adv—”

“Kevin, how do you expect me to not stress out over college? One wrong move and I might get stuck going to the state school!”

“That’s not the end of the world…”

I clutched at my cup of coffee so hard that it nearly split. “Or worse, I might have to settle for some lame party school, like Arizona State. I would have to throw myself off a freaking bridge. A bridge!”

Kevin frowned. “Now that’s a little harsh.”

My thin thread of patience gave a nearly audible snap just then. I knew what I was about to say was stupid and selfish and petty, but I couldn’t seem to stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth. “Geez, what is with everyone these days?” I practically exploded. “You, Louisa—I don’t get how you can be so…so…” I struggled to find the word, my face heating up more and more. “Carefree! You guys don’t seem to have a care in the world.”

“Uh, that’s a little unfair—”

“Do you not understand that I’m applying to college? I have been working toward this my whole life. I have to…I don’t know, I have to get into this college and that one and get all these scholarships and somehow nab an admission into freaking Harvard because it’s proper and expected of me and sometimes I don’t even know—I just don’t want to be me anymore!”

Kevin rose up, and only then did I realize I’d drawn myself up to my full height. My chest was heaving and people were staring but boy, it had felt good to get that all off my chest. I didn’t even remember half of what I’d said, but whatever it was, it had been a long time coming.

“Do you know what you need?” Kevin said at last. “Besides a new personality.”

I winced, feeling guilty now that I’d finally calmed myself down. “I probably deserved that.”

“You need a vacation,” he said.

I stared at Kevin, uncomprehending.

“You know. A tryst. A viaje.”

“Please don’t try to speak Spanish in that terrible accent.”

Kevin was on a roll now. He got out from behind his seat and began to pace back and forth, drawing a few concerned stares from nearby customers. “Get out and stretch your legs,” he said. “Venture out into the world. See all the wonderful things Earth has to offer that our parents are too cheap to let us see. Run around and be free.”

“I am not taking a random vacation right now,” I said in completely bafflement. “Are you kidding me? Didn’t I just explain how much college crap I have left to do? Do you want me to have to take an unintentional gap year?”

Kevin held up his hands as if in surrender. “Just hear me out,” he said, all patient and mature—and it hit me then that my brother hadn’t merely gotten older in appearance. “I’ve been doing a lot of traveling lately, and there’s a lot of stuff out there in the world.”

“Oh, can I quote you on that wonderful piece of wisdom? ‘So I walked outside my house for a bit, and there’s, like, a lot of stuff out there’.” I rolled my eyes. “I can just see it in those self-help books now.”

“Laugh all you want, but Nessa and I have been—”

I gasped. “Nessa?” Then I gasped again when the realization hit me. “Wait…are you talking about Vanessa?”

Kevin’s eyes widened and his face flamed red, as though he’d let slip something embarrassing. “Uh, I mean, I’ve been touring the states—alone—”

“You and Vanessa have been traveling together?”

“That’s not the point!” Kevin shouted. He was definitely embarrassed now, much as he tried to pretend he wasn’t. My brother had always been terrible liar.

The wheels clicked in my head. The unnatural hue to Kevin’s face, the way he called her ‘Nessa’, the weird vibe that had been between the two of them the last I’d seen them together…

“You like Vanessa,” I said in wonderment.

Kevin avoided my eye. He grabbed his latte, which laid untouched on the counter, and said quickly, “Well, I have to be going now. Lots to see.”

“Don’t you mean lots of Vanessa to see?” I snickered.

“There’s nothing going on between Vanessa and me!” Kevin grumbled, shoving his way through the crowded coffee place. “Now good-bye, ungrateful brat, and remember what I said to you.”

“Okay, I’ll remember that there’s lots of Nessa to see!”

Kevin had already turned away from me, but I imagined the look on his face as he left. No doubt he’d been scowling. Just the image of that was enough to keep me smiling as I finished my coffee.

It didn't hit me until Kevin had already left that I'd lost my one chance to wheedle out of him where he'd been staying these past few weeks. Surprisingly, that didn't really bother me. Kevin looked good. He looked happy, healthy. He looked better than I'd seen him since as long as I could remember. I didn't want to be the one to take that newfound happiness away from him.

Sitting in that Starbucks, I actually did think about taking a vacation. And somehow, it didn’t seem as ludicrous an idea as when Kevin had first brought it up. I didn’t know if it was the light atmosphere or the hearty conversations or the wonderful warmth of the coffee in my hands and stomach, but I felt like maybe I had been overstressing with my college applications.

The second I returned to my house, that foolish warm glow vanished.

“It’s research time,” was the greeting my wonderful father gave me. He held out a ton of brochures and articles he’d found online. “Remember: Harvard is your dream.”

Yup. My life was just as fun as usual.

Which was to say, not fun at all.

*****

“The mathematics of love,” Mrs. Reed read distastefully, scanning the ten-page rough draft I’d busted out the night before. Her eyebrows raised in disapproval beneath her square-framed glasses. “I don’t think you understood the purpose of this assignment, Nancy.”

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head in panic. She had to be kidding me. “What? What did I miss?”

“If I may be blunt—everything, actually.”

“How?” I managed to choke out. I pointed out the heading to her in indignation. “Look, I had the MLA format correct and everything—”

“I’m not talking about the paper format,” Mrs. Reed said crossly. Her mouth pressed into a thin line. I couldn’t help but notice that she looked just as mean as usual, so whatever crap Louisa had been trying to pull with setting up our teachers had clearly gone awry. “I’m talking about the entire idea of this project. The point is that there is no formula to love. This isn’t calculus class, Nancy. What we are trying to do is celebrate the crazy, illogical thing that is love, not try to justify it—because God knows what the hell these idiots we call men are even thinking when it comes to romance!”

Mrs. Reed slammed her fist onto her desk, her blatant display of rage causing me to shoot back to avoid the papers that scattered all over the floor. She breathed heavily in a few moments while I stood there frozen in fear.

“Why…I’m so sorry, Nancy. I don’t know what’s come over me,” Mrs. Reed apologized once the red flush and murderous intent had disappeared from her eyes.

“It’s probably just the stress,” I said, reaching over to collect some of the papers. Stress I knew. Stress was something I could understand.

“You know what? I think it is.”

In that moment, I think I shared a moment of sympathy and compassion with my AP English Literature teacher. And it creeped me out thoroughly. But not as much as what Mrs. Reed did next, as she went off to practically explain her life’s story.

“I just thought…I thought I’d met a nice guy for once, you know?” she ranted. “I’ve worked alongside Hector for years, and when I read the letter he’d supposedly written to me, I just felt so young, and alive, and…wanted.”

I choked on my own spit when I realized she was talking about Louisa’s project.

“Are you okay, dear?”

“It’s nothing. Just…um…spring allergies.” I let out a nervous laugh.

Mrs. Reed looked at me funny. Probably because it was autumn currently. Smooth, Nancy.

Thankfully, she didn’t pry, because she was too eager to get on with her tale. “I thought it was the sweetest thing, you know? There was a movie that came out back in my day—you’re probably too young to have seen it—but there was this handsome, charming fellow who swept the ladies off his feet with everything he did.” Mrs. Reed’s smile slipped. “And I fell for this guy’s act, too.”

She paused, staring at me and clearly indicting for me to ask her a question so she could continue. “Uh…what do you mean by an ‘act’?” I said, feeling lame.

“Well, he played me!” She clutched at the beads of her necklace dramatically. “Used me, toyed with my feelings, threw me away…I found out some terrible student or staff member had been playing a prank on us.”

“No,” I gasped, trying to sound as shocked as possible. All I’ll say about that is that an Oscar Award was definitely not in my future.

“Oh, yes.” Mrs. Reed dabbed at her eye and nodded her head vigorously. “There are a lot of vile people out there in this world, Nancy. People who don’t take other peoples’ feelings into account when they do stupid things. You’ll learn that soon enough in college.”

“Er...right.” Well, that made me feel a lot better about the whole idea of college.

A boy went up to ask Mrs. Reed a question, which saved me from having to politely prolong the conversation. I left her desk as fast as I could before Mrs. Reed decided she wanted to dump the rest of her old people problems on me.

Patty and Margaret were deep in conversation when I neared our seats. I heard snatches of what they were saying—something about the trip to Myrtle Beach and how so-and-so had hooked up with so-and-so’s girlfriend. I didn’t really care. Unfortunately, they both stopped gossiping in time to give me these catty, knowing looks as I sat down in my seat.

“What?” I grumbled. I wasn’t even bothering to disguise how much the two of them annoyed me. College applications were due; nobody had time for that anymore.

“We saw you at Homecoming,” Patty said.

“I know…I said hi to you.” Against my will.

“Spill. How did you get Alexander Lin to go with you? Bribery? Blackmail?” Margaret leaned in close to me.

“And are you two going out?” Patty added excitedly.

“No!” I shouted.

“Really? Because it looks to me like the two of you have incredible chemistry together.”

“Are you sure you don’t like each other?” Margaret pressed.

I stood up then. I hated the way those two always stared at people, like they were pieces of juicy meat that they longed to wring. I hated it, and I didn't want to have to deal with it right now. 

Besides, just the mention of Alexander’s name had sent these odd, jittery feelings into my stomach. I had no clue what was going on between us, whether I hated him, whether I felt guilty about the way I was always treating him so badly, whether I…

Snap out of it. Something like that’s not even possible.

Thankfully, the bell rang just then, which saved me from hearing the end of that uncomfortable conversation with Patty and Margaret. I zipped out of the classroom before either of them could even realize the bell had run.

Unfortunately, that meant I hadn’t noticed where I was going. And that meant I accidentally walked smack into Alexander Lin’s outstretched arms in the middle of the hall.

“Ack!” I shouted as I stumbled backward, my skin feeling hot and tingly where his arms had briefly circled my waist.

“Good. I caught you just in time.” The corner of Alexander’s mouth twitched into a cute half smile. “I literally caught you just in time. Get it?”

“That was…painfully bad.” I tried to slip around him, but his broad shoulders blocked the way down the hall. I felt myself blushing and realized I couldn’t bring myself to bring eye contact with him, which was ridiculous. 

Margaret’s words echoed in my mind, and I felt my face flush even more. There was no way. Just…no way. I couldn’t actually be…?

“I’m glad I ran into you, Nancy, because I want to introduce you someone.” Alexander moved aside, his smile unwavering, and there stood Louisa Kim with a bored expression on her face.

“I already know her.”

“Unfortunately,” Louisa added. I glared daggers at her.

“But not as my girlfriend,” Alexander said. As my mind whirled in shock of that statement, he threw an arm around Louisa’s shoulder. “That’s right. Louisa Kim and I are dating now.”

*****

A/N - I'm sorry....it had to be done!