What the hell is wrong with me?

I cheated on my girlfriend. The realization hit me like a punch to the chest. I didn't think I was capable of such a betrayal yet here I am.

And the worst part was I liked the kiss. I enjoyed the kiss. A part of me wanted more.

I felt like a failure. All I wanted to do was leave and fall in a pit. I didn't want to face anyone. Especially knowing Alex was more loyal to Christen than I was. I couldn't leave. I couldn't abandon my sister. I was a terrible girlfriend, but I refused to be a terrible sister.

I couldn't get my legs to move me forward. The thought of facing Alex made me cringe. She still lingered on my lips. How could I love two girls at once? I didn't understand.

I needed a beer. I needed the feel of a bottle in my hand and liquid on my lips. Freaking Alex took my flask. Part of me feared she'd show the others. The other part didn't care. They all drank beer too. Without my flask, I had no alcohol on me. How could I get to some beer?

I fumbled to pull my phone from my pocket. I searched a cab number and called. I waited for one to pull up. When it parked up front, I opened the car door. Getting in the backseat, I told the driver an address.

He nodded and started the car. We pulled out of the hospital parking lot. I almost fell asleep. The low rumble of the car multiplied my exhaustion. I realized how tired I really was.

When he came to a stop, I paid him with the cash in my pocket. I jumped out of the car and walked up to the house. I knocked on the door, tapping my foot impatiently.

I was met with short dark hair. "Hey Rachael," I forced a smile.

She offered a sympathetic smile in return, obviously seeing through my facade. "Megan's upstairs."

"Thanks."

I climbed up the steps and followed the blasting music. I opened the door to see Megan rocking out to her own jam. She played a complicated riff on her electric guitar. As she reached the end of her song, she looked up. She stopped playing. "Heyo," she greeted, swinging the guitar over her head.

I dropped into a chair by the door. "Hit me up," I groaned.

She shook her head with a laugh. "I'm great. How are you?"

"Sorry," I apologized. "I'm just . . ." I couldn't find the words. How do you put abandoning your sister, cheating on your girlfriend, finding out your dead sister isn't so dead, and liking a forbidden kiss into one feeling.

She went to her window where a bench was. She lifted the seat and pulled a beer out. "I'm only teasing. Things have been crazy." She tossed the beer to me.

"You can say that again," I muttered. I opened the bottle against the table and took a sip. And then another. And another.

Pinoe watched me with wide eyes. "Slow down, Sonic. The beer isn't gonna run."

I took another long sip, finishing the bottle. "I'll pay you back," I said, getting up to grab another.

I could feel her unease. "Don't worry about it. Just don't drink too much. For your sake," she said.

I nodded and listened as she delved into a calmer set of notes. She was an amazing guitarist. She taught Arry how to play.

I cracked open another beer and settled on the bench. "You wanna talk about it?" The blond asked.

I shook my head. Changing the topic, I commented, "Surprised Syd's not here."

Pinoe smirked at the mention of her partner in crime. "She's doing a project with Kristie Mewis."

At the mention of a project, I laughed. "Oh yeah." I grinned. "School exists."

She laughed. "Things have been so complicated. Even Carli hasn't handed in an assignment here and there."

Megan and I kept a conversation going. But as I finished my third beer, I wasn't feeling too hot. A pang of nausea pulsed through me. I leaned down to try and ease the feeling. "You good, Heath?" Pinoe asked. Her voice sounded distant. "Heath?"

I felt my legs grow weak. As my vision blacked, I fell forward.

+ + +

I groaned. Opening my eyes, I surveyed my surroundings. I was in my room. I squeezed my eyes to rid the light. Turning onto my side, I opened them again. My eyes widened as I saw who was beside me. I jolted in surprise.

Thump!

I grunted when I hit the wooden floor, the covers following. The girl in my bed was now kneeling, eyes wide. "Toby! Are you okay?"

"I-I . . . What are you doing in my bed?" I exclaimed, standing up.

Alex Morgan stared at me. Her eyes were worried. "Toby," she sighed softly. She crawled over the bed and helped pull the covers off. "Do you remember hitting your head when you fainted?"

I blinked. I vaguely remembered being nauseous. I don't think I hit my head. "I-I . . ."

What was going on? Why was Alex Morgan in my bed? I looked to the other side of the room to see Arry fast asleep. Figured. She could sleep through an atomic bombing. She was sprawled in her bed. Her one leg hung off the side. Her leg. Her . . .

I got off the bed and crossed the room. Kneeling to inspect her leg, I gaped. There were no burns. No signs that she had been kidnapped. I poked her leg just to make sure it was real. "Toby, you're scaring me," Alex's quiet voice said behind me.

I turned to face her. "Why were you in my bed?"

She looked at me like she was trying to decipher what I said. "Because sometimes I like to spend the night with my girlfriend," she said, crossing her arms.

I choked on my spit. I was sent into a coughing fit. I recovered, choking out, "I'm dating Christen."

Her demeanor grew cold. She glared at me. "That's not funny!"

I ran my fingers through my tangled hair. "It's not supposed to be!"

Kissing another girl was one thing but sleeping with another girl? Alex placed her hands on her hips. "Are you trying to tell me something?" She snapped. "Because if you're breaking up with me just say so."

Break up with her? How could I do that if we weren't together? "I'm not with Christen?" I muttered to myself.

Alex grabbed a towel and a change of clothes. "I'm gonna go shower. Try to figure yourself out, okay?" With that, she left the room.

I was beyond confused. I tore the pillow from under Arry's head and whacked her with it. She sat up with a start. I went to whack her again, but she caught the pillow. "What's wrong with you?" She snapped.

I pointed to my bed. "Why is Alex Morgan in our apartment?"

Arry slammed the pillow on her bed. "You're hilarious," she said, her voice coated in sarcasm. When my expression didn't change, she rose her eyebrows. "You're joking, right?

"No, I'm not joking!" I hissed.

She chuckled. "Oh this is priceless." She tried to stifle another burst of giggles. "You-oh wow-you don't remember dating your own girlfriend." She laid her head on the pillow. Lacing her fingers behind her head, she smirked. "The dangers of alcohol, my friend." Her expression grew sleepy. Her breathing slowed and her eyes shut.

I stared at her leg. How do I ask her about her leg?

"Stop staring at my leg. I know it's way more muscular than yours, but it's weird."

I didn't know how to phrase a question without freaking her out. Where are your burns? Were you kidnapped? If dating Christen was in my imagination, could Arry's kidnapping be fake too? "I'm dating Alex?"

Arry groaned. "Worse decision of my life. You guys are so lovey dovey, touchy feely. We share a bedroom! At least you guys don't have se—"

"Arry!" I swiped the pillow again.

She smirked. "What? It's not a bad word. Sex, sex, sex."

Amy poked her head in. She looked between us. "I don't want to know." With that, she walked away.

Arry sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Thanks for waking me up," she muttered. "It's a freaking weekend."

She slumped out of bed and left the room. A freshly showered and clothed Alex walked back in. She eyed me carefully. I rubbed the back of my neck. "I think we need to talk."

She put her pajamas away. "Good idea."

She sat on the edge of the bed, but I didn't. I was feeling too much pressure to sit down. "I don't know how to say this . . ." I trailed off

She looked devastated. "You're breaking up with me. Aren't you? I thought that we were doing well. Was it something I did? Said? Can't we try to talk this out first. There was no warning. No signs."

My eyes widened. "Woah, Lex, slow down. I'm-I'm not breaking up with you."

She looked down, suddenly looking small and vulnerable. "You're not?"

And there it was again. That desire to kiss her. It was so strong within my gut. But if we were dating, what was stopping me?

I walked towards her, placing my hand on her cheek. I delved deeper into her oceanic eyes. She held my gaze. "I'd be stupid to," I whispered. It was true. I brought our lips together. Without the weight of Christen, I felt fully able to enjoy our kiss. I closed my eyes, leaning in.

+ + +

Our lips never touched. Before I could make contact, I heard a voice snap, "CPR? She has a pulse, stupid."

"Hey, the real idiot is Ms. Drink-till-I-can't-blink over here."

"Can you stop arguing and do something productive?"

"You're looking through steps on a wiki page!"

"At least I'm trying to help."

I groaned as I attempted to shift my body. "Everyone, shut up!" That was definitely Lauren. I felt something touch my lips. I opened my mouth and welcomed the cold stream of water. "Come on, Tobs."

I blinked and caught sight of Lauren's mass of curls. I gained consciousness, sitting up. I was still in Pinoe's room. Arry and Amy stood nearby. Amy looked worried but Arry, well Arry looked indignant. She made eye contact with me. "Next time you want attention, throw yourself off a bridge. It's classier." She stormed out the doorway.

I sighed and leaned my head against Lauren. My head pounded and I felt disoriented. Amy sat down. "Don't mind her. You know how she feels about angry alcohol consumption."

But Arry's reaction wasn't the thing bothering me. It was the scenario I had made in my head. I had imagined a world where everything was going great. A world where Alex Morgan was my girl.