Chapter Thirty- Five

Regret

     "I don't think I want to go to this stupid ball," I whined as I packed up the boxes of dresses. "I haven't learned the new dance routine I'm not going to embarrass myself out there." 

     "Don't worry, they have some old routines in there too," Hange reassured me. "And quit saying the same shit because every time you say you don't want to attend you always end up attending." 

     "Haven't missed a single dang ball." I snorted as I placed the boxes on a silver cart to roll around. "Guess I'm dedicated."

     "You know you love these balls," Hange smirked and crushed me in a hug. "I can feel the excitement radiating off your body."

     "I do," I confessed with a giggle. "Fuck, who am I now? I feel like I change my mind often."

     "You can try to hate it but at the end of the day, that's where you met that important guy." She shrugged and my eyes widened in shock. 

     "What?" I turned to her. "How do you- Wait a damn minute."

     "And you never told me about it! I thought we were friends!" Hange pouted loading the last few boxes onto the cart. "You know I could've found out who he was, you only mentioned a small part of dancing with him once but you never told me you danced with him at every ball!"

     "Not true!" I argued. "I haven't... Hange, you have to understand- God!" 

     "And you go for Levi instead? Seems to me like you're playing two men," Hange winked as she pushed the metal cart past my door, I walked behind her as I closed my room and we soon began to deliver the dresses. 

     "I'm not playing two men," I sighed. "I just want to get hitched up soon, if I'm going to accept that captain position I want to have a family started beforehand." 

Hange knocked on the door of a customer and I handed them the dress, we walked a couple more doors and finally got it done. The last one was Armin. I hope Natalia liked her dress, I had to run a couple of errands per Armin's request. 

God this was a lot of work.

     "Ain't no way," Hange gasped as she pulled me behind a wall all of a sudden.

     "What?" I questioned as I peered over the wall but Hange pulled me back before I could even map out the figures. "Hange what!"

She placed a finger to her mouth to single to be quiet as she instead peered over the wall, oh great! So she can look but I can't?

     "You might not like this, maybe you shouldn't look." Hange groaned and matched my body placed on the wall. 

     "Hange, you are so annoy-"

     "I don't want you to get hurt since the thing between you guys is still pretty fresh!" Hange cut me off and turned to me. "Trust me, it might not be what it looks like."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head before moving past her and finally peering over the wall to see that Captain Levi and Hitch were talking, they were at a pretty close distance and I could see the way she was staring at him. I didn't even notice how my throat closed up as I swallowed harshly, my stomach curled up I felt like it turned to stone. Why was I feeling this way? It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter to me it's not like I like him like that anymore and I never dated him. 

It's nothing.

"Whatever," I took the metal cart and walked out of the all in front of them, I felt their eyes on me as Hange walked behind me holding her breath. I didn't care, I shouldn't care yet I felt my blood boil knowing that he wouldn't choose me. 

No one wants me. 

At the end of the day, no one wants me, I could work hard and clean the house, and cook, but it would never be enough. Why can't I find anyone? No one my age has ever asked me out, in the past it's been men 2 years younger than me. 

     "Want to grab a few drinks?" Hange asked, we walked along the path and in that moment I decided that I needed to relax for once and have fun. It's been some time since I've drank with my friends and it didn't feel the same as drinking at the ball. 

I wanted to get fucked up, I didn't want to feel pity for myself. 

They say at a certain age if you don't acquire a husband then it's highly likely you won't ever get married. It's like society as one has accepted the fate from early on and there is nothing you can do about it, a lot of parents set their kids up for arranged marriages to prevent this. My mom was nice enough to give me a choice and marry for love, I wish she would've set me up with someone and maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. Maybe me and Armin would've had a different future. 

This was slowly becoming a problem, I was becoming more absorbed in romance than my duty. I had to set myself straight. 

But maybe one night of fooling around won't hurt?

     "I'm done for anything at this point, Hange." I nodded.

*

That night, it was a nice party down at the bar. I've rarely gone down there because I have more important things to tend to but it actually felt nice this time. Why were the kids here? Who knows.

Armin, Natalia, Jean, Marco, Eren, Mikasa, and Sasha were all here but to make matters worse for some odd reason Levi was there. 

He was here with Hitch.

     "You having fun?" Hange clinked her glass with mine at the bar, I was sitting on the stool as she stood next to me with her elbow resting on the counter. She faced me completely not letting anyone else invade her mind. 

It felt nice to know she paid close attention to me. 

     "Feeling the best I've ever been," I was 4 shots in and I was pretty sure I was more than just tipsy. 

I cannot take alcohol for the life of me, I only last 2 shots and I'm out. But who cares tonight, it's anyone's game at this point. 

     "Hange, do you mind if I take Athena away from you for a bit?" Jean popped into our conversation with his hand scratching the back of his head. "Please?"

     "She's all yours, distract her will ya?" Hange winked and left me, I knew exactly why she left. She wanted to spend a bit more time with Moblit, I'm not offended at all. 

Go get'em.

     "What'd you need me for?" I turned my stool and noticed pretty quickly how Levi was sitting at the corner of the room staring straight at me out of the corner of my eye. I felt myself shrink on the inside but the alcohol made me look like I was fearless.

I liked being fearless. 

     "I know I just turned 20 but I wanted to know if you'd be interested in going out with me?" He chuckled lightly. 

     "What?" I almost choked on my drink as time froze. 

I was being asked out by a 20-year-old, should I jump at this? No, he's just 20 he's still young. Don't trap him. He might be looking for a fling but you're looking to get married 5 months in. You can't do that to him. Don't do it, Athena.

     "It's okay if you reject," He looked down with another nervous chuckle leaving his lips yet his smile still remained on his face. "I just haven't seen you with anyone- Not that it's a bad thing! I just think I admire you a lot."

     "The first dance wasn't enough for you huh?" I smiled like an idiot and stood up. 

There were some guys playing music with instruments as people were dancing at the center of the room, it was a euphoric moment and I knew I wanted to go and dance.

     "I wasn't able to dance with you for long," He explained. "I would love to spend the rest of the night with you if you'd like that too?"

     "Jean, I'm 24." I snorted and downed another shot. "You think you can take care of a woman?" 

     "I-" He started stammering and his cheeks flushed. "I don't have much experience but I would love to learn. If you'd let me-" 

I dragged him to the center of the room with the rest and I decided to make a bold move, placing his hand on my waist my back was pressing against his chest and the room started to spin a little. 

Words cannot explain how good I felt at that moment, with no worries and the lights flashing in the dimly lit room. I felt my worries float away even with the culprit in the room. 

Damn you,

Levi Ackerman.

I should've never let myself connect with him, I should've shut up and dealt with it because who was he to press me on for information about my life? He treated me like shit when we first met so why do I feel attracted to him. Why did I gaslight myself to believe he was a good person and a decent one at that?

I felt Jean's lip on my neck and I let myself go loose I was in bliss and no one could stop me. I didn't care about doing such things in front of the others since they were practically sucking each other's faces off too. 

I can get over this, I can move on.

At this rate, Jean's lips on my neck felt like fire burning through my skin and it didn't help that Levi was still staring at us. His jawline was prominent and Hitch was no longer there, the attention didn't faze me though I knew people other than Levi were staring. 

I turned my chest towards Jean and I pulled him in with my arms dangling over his shoulders, his hands both on my waist and gripping onto me tightly as if he were a full-grown man now. 

I was impressed, I didn't see Jean in any particular way I just thought he was just there... I never paid him too much attention but knew he liked to get it with the ladies. I heard he was turned down by Mikasa and I guess he resorted to going for older women. 

     He admired me though, how cute. It was nice to think that someone admired me other than Armin. But I could ruin Jean, he looked more innocent than me and probably hasn't even gone through half of what I've been through on missions. He was a good guy though, he was funny and he knew how to lead. 

And he cares. He cares a fuck ton about his friends, especially his friend Marco.

     I could get used to this, so when Jean hesitantly leaned in closer to my face I didn't pull away but instead initiated the deep kiss. I felt his hands roam my sides and we made sure not to go all over the place but I felt hot as fuck, the alcohol caught up and I couldn't stop myself from kissing back.

I didn't mean for it to get this deep in but fuck, I enjoyed every last bit of it and I knew Hange would pull on my leg the next day for what happened. 

     "You're stumbling," Jean pulled away and held me tighter so I wouldn't fall. 

     "I'm fineee," I slurred holding onto him with a giggle. "Aren't you having fun?" 

     "Yeah, not when you're fucking wasted." Jean cursed and looked around the room.

     "What the fucking is going on?" A pissed-off voice called from behind, my vision started going a bit black and I didn't understand what was going on. 

     "She's drunk, I didn't realize she drank this much- Fuck!" Jean cursed again and my legs all of a sudden became jello. 

I almost fell if it weren't for Jean completely holding me, jeez he was a strong individual no wonder he ranked in the top 10 for his group. 

     "You're fucking hot," I spat at Jean who grew pink cheeks. "And strong." 

     "I need to also take care of Sasha and Marco," Jean groaned and handed me off to someone.

He left me.

He really left me. 

     "He left.." I pouted.

     "Shut up," The guy who I presumed was Levi lifted me over his shoulders, it wasn't helping me at all and I felt tears flow down my cheeks.

The noise of the music was drowned out by the time he closed the door and I was still hanging off of his shoulders. 

I wanted to get off yet I had no force to get off of him. I didn't even want to fight.

I don't want to fight anymore.