Chapter Twenty- Nine

Closure

The following morning I had made tea for Hange to help her with the headache she had, she was confused as she woke up in my bed but I remained unfazed. 

I reminded her of all the things she did last night and she looked embarrassed, she didn't expect me to take her to my room and request to speak about the incident a few weeks ago. 

She really didn't. 

"I don't want to fight," She said quietly sipping her tea. 

We were on my balcony having breakfast and I felt like I had a mission to accomplish.

"I just want to know why," I turned to stare at her in the eyes, she looked uncomfortable.

"It was my job to make sure you don't get too attached, at times I realize my mistake of not helping you control your emotions," She dug her face into her hands. "When Cassie was ripped to shreds and Eric- You can't save someone with a bone injury that bad." 

"He could've lived." I shot back. "I would've-" 

"No he wouldn't! In all respect to him he would've weighted us down. If you had went sooner like I told you too maybe Connie wouldn't have died." She cut me off and stared at me seriously. 

"Don't you dare put that on me," I swallowed deeply as tears built up in my eyes. "He protected Sasha! And what about Erwin? He was hurt many times in some of our missions and you still-"

"That's different and you know it!" Hange shot back. "You were too attached to-"

"And whose fault is that?" I stood up. "You told me to care for my comrades and be apart of the team and what has that gotten me? I would've saved more people if you didn't teach me how to have empathy for other soldiers." 

"You can't possibly be blaming me for this!" Hange stood up as well and started to yell. "I wanted what was best for you and your job was to listen to my orders!"

"Fuck your orders!" I shouted back. "You made me weaker!" 

"I made you stronger!" She got closer to me with anger all over her face. "I made you a better soldier!" 

"I just want to be good enough!" Tears spilled down my cheek. "I don't know how to properly care for people! I was a shitty sister growing up and a shitty partner in battle! Just for once I wanted to save my comrades! I wanted to show I cared and that still got them killed." 

Hange's eyes softened as I fell into her embrace, I felt my knees grow weak as I began to cry and she had no choice but to hold me. 

"I'm sorry," She apologized and held me tighter. "I know you aren't used to friends dying like that, I'm sorry. I should have been there and I could only focus on how it was my fault for both of them to die." 

"Shut up." I murmured and pulled away. "I'm over it now, I just miss you."

"I could tell, Levi told me he didn't know what to do with us both complaining about not talking." She snorted. "But you did good okay? You fought hard and you did what you thought was the best even if Eric wanted to know what happened to Cassie."

"I tried to dodge the question, I tried to distract him so he wouldn't go into such shock." I shook my head. "I didn't know what the right words were, I tried my best to remain unfazed." 

"It's okay, you did a good job." Hange shot me a small smile. "There's nothing else we can do to change it, what's done is done and now we need to focus on getting Eren back."

That's right, we need to get Eren back. But now? wwAre we even prepared?

"We have a meeting will all the squads, get ready in 20." Hange said before leaving my room to go to hers. 

We're going to get Eren back. 

There's a meeting. 

More people will die, if we're going to get Eren back there's a huge chance more people will die trying to save him. Could I handle that? I signed up for this, for this job to protect and save humanity. I was fine in boot camp so why am I nervous now? Have I really gotten weak? 

This wasn't good, was this the best choice? To care for others like this? Everyone ends up dying at some point and everyone signed up to be a scout knowing they could die, so why am I worrying about everyone now?

* * *

"Today, we'll get Eren back." Hange stood in front of our squad and Levi's. "We will not hold back and it's going to be hard but we need to make sure to get him back, he is crucial for the walls to stand and we might have to take down Reiner and Bertholdt once and for all."

We all saluted as we got our gear ready and set out with horses, it took around 2 days before we found some activity of people being near. We found a camp site in the woods and came to a conclusion that they might be keeping Eren there.

"How have things gone with Hange? I've seen her with a smile for once." Levi was walking next to me as we went to go get water from a river. 

"It went well for the most part I think," I replied sitting by the river. "We started off by yelling a lot of nonsense but we ended up on good terms, we're good."

"Just like that?" He let out a cute small chuckle. "More mature than I thought, guess I was wrong about you guys."

"What?" I glared at him. "We're not immature." 

"Just a little," He looked at me.

"Maybe just a smidge." I corrected. 

"Yeah, sure." He rolled his eyes and finally sat down next to me.

"Levi, if we get Eren back will you promise to train me after we get back?" I asked.

"If you aren't so bad by that time," He nodded.

"Oh shut up," I scoffed before shoving him to the side lightly. "And I'm the one with the ego?"

"You give yourself more credit than you deserve." He shrugged.

"Please," I begged with a frown. "Pleaseeeeee."

"Fine! Jeez!" He cursed with a glare only making me smile back at him.

"I finally get to improve my combat skills!" I cheered. 

"But you promise me something," He spoke up and looked at me. "You promise you accept that position as a leader after I'm done training you." 

"You can't just add your little condition!" I frowned. 

"You want to be the best don't you?" He asked.

I scoffed and turned to look at him crossing my arms. "Best at fighting not the best at leading." 

"I know you can do it." He said.

"How?" I tilted my head. "How do you know." 

His eyes widened a bit staring at me before before he turned his attention to the sky. "You have more than 30 solo kills, that's more than most of the scouts here."

"I think team kills also matter-" 

"They matter when you have a good squad," He explained. "If you team up with bad scouts that don't know what they're doing half the way then how do you expect to save more people? You did enough in that battle."

"My squad is good-"

"I don't doubt they were but a lot of people aren't as motivated as you are, those who want to survive will train harder than those and I know you've been working your ass off training every sunrise. You train before everyone else can even start their day." He scratched the back of his head.

"You... Know that?" I furrowed my eyebrows as I leaned in to try to look at his face better. "But no one's up that earlier it's like 4am- Wait! Don't tell me.." 

He leaned back a bit trying to scoot away from me before I leaned in even more, I hesitantly pulled his wrist and surprisingly he let me touch him as I pulled him back into place.

"Have you been watching me train, Captain?" I smirked. "You're a little stalker aren't ya?"

"What the hell are you doing? No!" He scoffed as he pulled away from my hold and stood up, he dusted himself off and crossed his arms leaning against a tree. "I train early too, it's not the most weirdest thing."

"It's just you, me, and Mikasa who manages to train early at least 3 days a week." I snorted. "I knew you trained early but I've never seen you, where do you even train?" 

"None of your business." He replied avoiding my stare. "And I thought I told you that you didn't have to call me capt-"

"Captain!" I heard a someone rushing towards us, it was Armin with a worried look on his face. "We found them! We have to head back!" 

Fuck.

The fight begins.