ZACKRIYA ISLAM

After two days, Amber and I decided to return back to Pakistan. After all, i left without informing my superior at work and Amber couldn't afford to take a leave longer then a week.

Jake helped in us getting seats for the last flight that left for karachi. Thankfully it was for Saturday so we both could resume work from Monday.

Jake wasn't happy about me leaving so soon but I had no choice. I know that I was still grieving and if I stayed here then it would be difficult for me to get a hold of myself. There was still a day before our flight. Jake requested to see me so I dripped off Amber at her friend's house, informing her to meet them well because after today, we won't be coming back. She got confused at my statement but before could ask, I ushered her out of the car and left. Jake was waiting for me at our usual meeting place at Starbucks.

"I don't approve. You should stay a little longer." He said as soon as I sat down. I grimaced. "You know that I can't. I went AWOL from work and I have to get back." I replied.

"Is it work that you are concerned of or your wife?" He inquired, raising a skeptical brow at me. I sighed. "Both." And said. "At least stay until Gran's will is out." He urged.

"I don't need to, whatever it is you can tell me later but honestly I don't care." I responded nonchalantly and reached into my pocket to take out a khaki envelop. I looked at it for quiet a while and then placed it on the table and slid it towards Jake.

"What's this?" He said while taking it and opening it. "It's the papers to my apartment. Gran had helped me to buy it some years ago when I was in college." I told.

"Yeah, but why are you giving it to me?"

I stared at him for a while: as usual, he was dressed in his husiness attire and looked as serious as ever. I'm going to miss him but it's not like we ever so close to begin with.

"I want you to sell it and transfer the money into my account later." I informed.

"Why?"

"Because Jake, this is probably the last time I'll come back to the US. I don't want anything to tie me down here. Gran was the last anchor who held me here but now that's she's gone, I see no reason to come back." I replied calmly.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Jake yelled and his fist met with the table. The sound of it caught the attention of the other customers in the cafe but Jake quickly composed himself. This was my first time seeing him angry.

"You can't be serious Zac. This is your home. What other reason do you need to not come back?" He hissed at me at a low voice. I sighed.

"I know but to what? I mean, you're busy in your own life, Sally hasn't spoken to me in years and our parents have nothing to do with me anymore. So I don't see any reason to come back." I said. He looked at me with guilt clear in his eyes.

"I know but give them time. They still haven't accepted you as you are." He grumbled. I smiled a small smile.

"I know but that's not my main reason. If I leave here knowing that I have a place to come back to, it'll make it difficult for me to settle with my wife. I have to now make her home my home. I need to grow accustomed to living in Pakistan with Amber." I said.

"And what about Amber? Does she approve of you doing this?"

"I haven't told her but I know she would agree with me if I did." I said even thought i wasn't so sure myself. But I know that if I would've told her then she would've told me not to take this step because then the thought of divorce would forever leave her mind and from what I can tell, she isn't ready to embrace that revelation. If she wants security that I won't be leaving her then this is the best that I can do.

"Put it up for rent if you have to. But don't sell it." He tried persuading me again but I shook my head in disagreement. "No Jake, I need to do this. Can you please do what I've asked you to." I said in a solemn tone. He stared at me, his grey gaze still disapproving but he nodded and gripped the envelop tightly. I told him to sell my car as well.

"Either your too in love with your wife or you really like life in Pakistan." He said and chuckled. I was stunned by his statement but I also laughed at it. "You should come and visit us sometime." I said. He shrugged it off and got up from the table.

"You need me to drop you guys off at the airport tomorrow?" He asked. I nodded. We were at the exit when I felt him grabbing my shoulder and turning me around only to have him give me a bear hug. I was shocked at first but then gave him a quick pat and hugged him back. He let go and grabbed the left side of my face, his eyes intently gazing at me with sincerity.

"Take care of yourself little brother. Remember, if you need anything, just say so." He claimed and pressed his hand to my cheek. I smiled and grabbed his hand and pulled it down. "Thanks bro. I will." I grumbled. "Now stop it will ya, people are beginning to stare and must be thinking we're gay." I chortled. He playfully slapped my head and we both exited the cafe. I gave my car keys to Jake as well and took a cab to pick up Amber.

**********

"Zac, its time." Amber informed and shook my arm. I nodded and began to gather my things. Our flight was now boarding so I followed Bree to the waiting line at our gate. But my eyes were glued to the huge window that gave a clear view of New York. I was feeling sad that I won't be able to come back here in a long time but what can I do, I have to do this.

"Excuse me, sir?" I was brought back to reality when the attendent called me. I quickly gave her my boarding pass and started towards the gate. Amber followed suit. Amber got seated by the window seat while I took the aisle. Fastening my seat belt, my eyes remained glued to the view outside of the window.

"Zac?" I heard her soft whisper and felt her touch my hand. I turned to her and gave her a small smile. She looked at me with concern. "Do you want to switch seats?" She asked. I smiled and nodded. I was grateful for her thoughtfulness. I kept staring outside while we took off until the view of the city got replaced by the view of the Atlantic. It must've been a long time till when my eyes were glued outside until finally I leaned back to my seat. I glanced into Amber's direction--- she had busied herself in reading a book. I inhaled deeply and grasped her hand, getting her attention as well.

"What's the matter?" She inquired.

"What's your favorite color." I blurted, trying to distract myself. I didnt want to be silent because it was killing me. I felt like a loner and i needed out of this awkward feeling.

She stared at me for a few seconds and then diverted her attention back to the book. "Black," she responded. Of she's responding then that means she's also decided to give us a chance. I'm glad.

"Why black?"

"Because it blends in with everything." She replied, her eyes still on the book.

"What's your favorite thing to eat?" I inquired. I saw her throat move up and down. "Kulfi,"

"What's that?"

"Its a traditional delicacy is Pakistan."

"Really? Then you have to treat me to it some day."

"Okay," she mumbled and closed the book and leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. I came closer to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. "What's your favorite sport?"

And with that, throughout the flight i inquired about various things from her but I was a little disappointed that she didn't try to ask me anything. But I've decided to give her space: I'm sure she'll come around.

We stopped at Dubai airport for a few hours until we boarded our final flight to karachi. We were quiet then but mostly Bree slept through the three hour flight from Dubai to karachi. After landing safely, we got home around 9 o clock at night.

My back was so stiff from sitting for so long that as soon as my eyes reached the bed, I collapsed on it. Relaxing, I felt the soft embrace of slumber engulf me. But my consciousness drifted a bit when I felt someone touch my feet and remove my shoes. I inwardly smiled as I felt her place my legs properly on the bed. Then her hands travelled to my head as she lifted it up gently and adjusted the pillow. A slow smile crept up my face but I kept my eyes shut. Her soft breath was fanning my face for a good few seconds until I felt her hands slowly undo the top buttons of my shirt. Her hand rested on my right breast and I felt her brown orbs gaze at my face. My lips twitched. I was enjoying this too much. In a few seconds, I felt the presence of her hand dimish and something got laid on my body. I heard steps going away from and her  absence from me made me feel lonely. I decided to wait for her to come to bed but I was weary that I drifted to sleep without knowing.

Amber you're so caring. I can't wait to have you fall in love with me.

My consciousness came back after sometime when I felt the bed shift beside me. Instinctively, my arms went and embraced her closely to my chest while my face got buried in her hair.

"Zac?" She whispered.

"Shh," I hushed and allowed sleep to take me now. I was feeling so lonely but her presence in my embrace reminded me that I wasn't alone; I had her with me.

**********

I joined work again and thankfully, my boss was a kind man and over looked my tardiness but have me a warning nonetheless. I had made a few friends in the office too and they were glad to see me back: not before bombarding me with a ton of questions about my disappearance.

It was good to be back; the people here were so caring. But as soon as I was left alone with my thoughts, I would get gloomy and melancholy. After work I returned to the Urdu learning centre.

"Where have you been?" Santiago asked me as soon as I entered the class. He was Brazilian and he and I got along well. He came to Pakistan to accompant his girlfriend who was studying and doing research in Sufism.

I smiled and shook hands with him. "I had to go back to the US to attend to an emergency." I replied and sat in my usual seat. He sat beside me and began to grumble about the topics that passed on in the previous week. I nodded but then in the middle, I lost track.

I easy feeling melancholy all of a sudden. Being surrounded by so many foreigners had me feeling a little bit intimidated. The rest of the day just flew by with little attention from my side. I don't know why I was feeling so depressed.

After the class I went to the masjid for maghrib prayer. I prayed to Allah to give me some peace of mind because I was in so much turmoil inside. I wanted to get it all out but I didn't know why.

I didn't want to think about Gran because her thoughts would enter my mind, my grief would take me over.

When I got back home, Amber was waiting for me at the dinner table.

"Asalam Alaikum," I mumbled and hanged my parka bag on the hanging stand. "Walaikum Asalam." She replied and got up towards the microwave. I went up to the kitchen sink to wash my hands. The quiet atmosphere in the small dinning room was insufferable but I didn't feel like breaking it. Amber got back to the table and we ate in silence. The food was delicious and normally I would compliment her about the delicious food that she makes but I just don't feel like it. I pulled out my phone and began to scroll through Fb.

"How was your day?" She asked, catching me off guard.

"It was okay. Busy as usual." I replied, my eyes still on the screen.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing." I replied and quickly finished my food. I don't know why but u didn't feel like talking to her. I went ahead and finished isha prayer and collapsed on the bed.

Amber didn't come back until much later and strangely, I was grateful for the privacy.

**********

AMBER ZAID

It's been a week since we got back and I've been noticing Zac's attitude has become so aloof. His usual cheerful and jolly self wasn't seen anywhere and I was getting concerned.

It wasn't like him to be so distant and infifferent. The mornings that were so lively were so silent and forebearing now. He would just come, eat and leave and at dinner all of his attention would be on his phone and he would even sleep before I would come to bed. I don't know what's going on.

And I didn't like it one bit. He was always so nice and caring but lately he seems careless and always lost in his thoughts.

Maybe he's grieving. After all, it hasn't been long since his grandmother died. He needs comforting.

I think I should comfort him. But I have no idea how I should do it.

"Hello? Earth to Amber?" Haleema snapped her fingers in front of my eyes and startled me. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"You do know that there is little time left till the break ends, right?" She asserted. I nodded and took a sip of coffee.

"Mind telling me what's bothering you?" She inquired. I sighed deeply. There was once a time I shared everything with her but when I went to the US, our connection sort of ended and I don't feel as close to her as I used to. But Haleema, being her kind and caring self, never gave up on me. I never got to understand why though.

"Nothing." I replied. I didn't want to voice my concern but maybe if she insisted, I might just tell her.

"You're always like this now Amber. Come on, we are best friends, you know that you can tell me anything. Heck you didn't even bother to tell me where you disappeared to last week" She urged. I sighed again. Boy, was she pissed when I made a sudden appearence this week and got an earful from her.

"Does it concern a certain handsome gora?" She prompted. I closed my eyes and nodded.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, his Grandmother died." And I told her everything excluding the part where I assumed he was going to divorce me. She listened carefully. "And ever since we got back, he's been acting strange. He isn't his social self anymore. At home he avoids me. I might be wrong but I think he just needs closure."

"No Amber. I think he's still grieving." She concluded.

"I think so too. And I have no idea what I should do."

"I think you ought to comfort him. Cheer him up and make him realize that he isn't alone. It's only natural that he's feeling lonely after all he has no one here; no friends, no family. He's only got you so you need to be there for him."

"How?" I mumbled.

"What do you mean how? Do something that he would like or appreciate. Try to get his mind off things." She stated. I guess having a friend for a psychiatrist is useful.

"But I don't know how." I uttered and avoided eye contact with her.

"What do you mean? Are you telling me that you don't know what your husband likes?" She inquired with a frown. I nodded. I hated to admit it but I should've made an effort to get to know him.

"You idiot. You mean to tell me that you married a complete stranger?"

"Yes, what did you expect?"

"What do you mean what did I expect? I had expected that you would've known about the guy. But you just married randomly and you don't even know him. Did you even try to get to know him or did you let your ego get in the way, like always?" She taunted.

I was getting annoyed by her allegations. I wanted to badly retort back but I needed her advice.

"Just tell me what I should do?" I urged, my voice raising.

She sighed. "Duh, get to know him. Ask him about himself. Make him know that you care because when you start to learn about him, he'll realize that your interested in him." She replied and got up.

I need to do that? Must I really get to know him? Yes, I had made up my mind that I will give our relationship a chance but I didn't realize that it would lead to this. I just thought that we could be our normal selves. Yes sooner or later I would've learned a lot about him without him telling me but I didn't know that it would lead to this.

Prior to this situation, I had thought that once I get pregnant, I would keep up my indifferent attitude because it would've completed my ambition for this marriage and if he chose to leave me later wouldn't be an issue for me. That's why I didn't try to form a sentimental attachment towards him. But now that things have come to this, and ever since I agreed to his ridiculous wager, I'm adamant on showing him that I won't fall in love with him.

But caring and having a relationship based on fondness doesn't sound so bad. If I care again, he'll no doubt get close to me but I'll be the one to determine how much he knows.

I don't know why but I don't disapprove of him getting to know me or myself getting to know him.

Sometimes, I can't believe how much I've changed. In order to grow strong, I had given up on the weak and caring Amber a long time ago. I thought that I had buried her somewhere but I didn't realize that she was still in me.

After so long: I felt like caring for someone other then myself. I felt like feeling something again-- my conscience dictated that I deserved a chance at happiness and if Allah had written Zac in my fate then maybe he's the key to finding my happiness.

When I got back home after Isha, I knew that I was late and had hoped that Zac wouldn't be home so soon but it was Friday and he was bound to waiting for me. I sighed as I entered the house and saw that the light of the kitchen was left on and the lingering smell of pepper and butter was in the air. As I approached the kitchen, I saw three dishes washed and cleaned by the sink. I think he already ate. I was gonna leave when I saw a plate covered by the microwave. When I removed the cover, I saw that a fine piece of chicken steak and some vegetables by the side. A small smile made my lips quirk. He even made me dinner.

When I have been clearly seeing the signs, my stubbornness wasn't allowing me to move out of my shell. But maybe, its time to make a move.

Instead of going to my study to complete my work, I carefully opened the bedroom door and saw him sleeping peacefully. I slowly walked up to him and sat at the small space beside him.

He was lying on his stomach and gripping the pillow with both his arms. His bare back and arms were displaced to my full view. It's been so long since he's held me in those strong arms. As his back moved slightly with his calm breathing, his every movement had my heart beat erratically.

Allah has given me such a person who is not only beautiful outside but also inside. And I have done nothing but keep him away when he was trying to get close to me.

Now it's my turn.

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