"You bloody idiot."

Remus stared at the ad.

He stared at the ad flabbergasted. 

He stared at the ad so long that he started laughing and a great big smile broke out on his face - the biggest smile he'd worn in... years. Thirteen years, at least.

He laughed so hard he started crying.

"You bloody, insane, wonderful, sexy idiot!"

Remus leaped from his seat, clutching the paper like it was made of gold. He was all but dancing, despite the pain coursing through his knees and hips.

It was such a Sirius thing to do - such an idiot, Sirius thing that nobody else in the entire world ever would've thought to do in a hundred years. He would respond to the ad and find Sirius Black and whatever happened next, it would be just fine because he could weather anything if Sirius was a part of it. He was sure of that.

There was just one problem.

"You idiot dog," murmured Remus, re-reading the ad over a couple more times, but more critically. There was no instruction, no contact information, no way to find Sirius based on what was in the ad. Remus sat down heavily in his seat. "Oh bloody hell." He stared at it.

Now what?

If he didn't respond, would Sirius notice the error he'd made? Would he realize Remus couldn't respond because he hadn't said how to and not because he didn't want to? But wouldn't it be so like Sirius not to realize that was why Remus hadn't replied back and get upset? Remus closed his eyes, and now he felt so frustrated all over again. He threw the paper on the table and put his head down in his arms. 

You gotta have faith...

He looked up at the paper, resting his chin on his arm. 

"Okay. Faith. Faith. There's something I'm missing. Sirius isn't a complete idiot..."

"He's still missing some parts," James's voice floated through Remus's head. It had always been one of James's favorite one-liners about Sirius. Remus laughed. 

"They don't even make the parts he's missing, Prongs," Remus murmured, and he reached over and pulled the paper closer, reading it through once again.

"Okay." Remus said, taking a deep breath. "Alright." He got up and paced a bit. "Okay. Pina Coladas. Alcohol. Where do you get alcohol? A bar. Maybe he's - he's going to meet me by the Grindylow? No, must not, they closed up a long time ago," he shook his head. "Islands. You get Pina Coladas on beaches and islands. Coconut and Pineapp--" he paused, mid-word. "...--ple..." he finished slowly.

Sirius couldn't be in Costa Rica... could he?

Could he?

That would be mental. 

And how would he put an advert in the Daily Prophet all the way from bloody Costa Rica?

Remus shook his head, "No, that can't be. Maybe he wants to go there, but he can't be there yet..." 

They'd never allow Sirius to pass the intercontinental disapparation check points. Not without paperwork. And what paperwork could Sirius possibly have? And if he, Remus, who had had a paying job and put away meager funds for a year had barely any money to make he ends meet, how would Sirius be doing it? Especially with the twenty galleon fee to use the check points. 

Unless he hadn't used the check points? But how would he have gotten across the Atlantic without them? He didn't have his motorbike. Remus knew he didn't. Hagrid had said something about having that in his shed back on the grounds at Hogwarts one of the times he, Remus, had visited Hagrid's hut for tea... 

"For Godric's sake, Sirius, you better not have hotwired another flying vehicle."

It wouldn't be the craziest thing Sirius had ever done, Remus reminded himself.

Nor would it be the first time he'd stolen a flying motorbike for that matter.

Remus covered his face, picturing Sirius straddling a motorbike somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, Born to Be Wild blasting from the speakers of a big old boom box strapped to the back, laughing manically and shouting "WAAAHOOOOO!!!" as he went. He shook his head trying to clear the image out.

"Bloody hell. Please."

But that thought did give him an idea.

He went out to the living room and pulled out the black box of Sirius's old records that he'd brought back from Hogwarts with him and dug through them. He found the one he was looking for and pulled it from the sleeve, dropping it onto the record player and placing the needle. The big brass phone crackled and popped for a moment before the music started, sounding all tropical. 

I was tired of my old lady

We'd been together too long

Like a worn out recording

Of a favorite song

So while she lay there sleepin'

I read the paper in bed

And in the personal columns

There was this letter I read...

If you like pina coladas
And gettin' caught in the rain

If you're not into yoga

If you have half a brain

If you like makin' love at midnight

In the dunes on the cape

Then I'm the love that you've looked for

Write to me and escape

Remus wondered if that was the key... In the ad, Sirius had said come with me, in the song the singer asked the reader to write to him. Maybe he, Remus, was to write back? Take out a responding ad? But what would he say?

I didn't think about my lady

I know that sounds kinda mean

But me and my old lady

Had fallen into the same old dull routine

"Kinda mean?" Remus muttered, "It sounds like cheating rather. Blimey, what a terrible song."

So I wrote to the paper

Took out a personal ad

And though I'm nobody's poet

I thought it wasn't half bad

Yes I like pina coladas

And gettin' caught in the rain

I'm not much into health food

I am into champagne

I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon

And cut through all this red tape

At a bar called O'Malley's

Where we'll plan our escape

Remus stared at the record player.

There it was.

There was his instruction.

Sirius was awaiting the reply.

Remus left the record playing, dropping the sleeve onto the floor and ran up the stairs to the bedroom. He wrenched open his old Hogwarts trunk and dug through it to the very bottom, where he found the old sock that he'd hidden away his life savings in.

It wasn't a lot. It was actually quite pathetic. He poured it out and found he had less than enough to live on for the next two months stashed in there... Yet, he noted sadly, it was still more than what the Ministry would compensate a registered werewolf in over a year.

He wondered how much taking out an ad in the Daily Prophet was? He looked at his watch. It was midafternoon. He wondered if he still had time - if he hurried - could he get to the Daily Prophet's offices? He had to try. He grabbed a jumper and pulled it on, already chilly without the evening air coming on, and grabbed his briefcase, putting the money - sock and all - into athe pocket in his trousers. 

He hurried down the front path of the house, through the gate, and onto the sidewalk.

Remus stuck out his left arm.

With a crack, the Knight Bus appeared. The door opened and Stan Shunpike stepped out onto the curb. "Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard... Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike and I will be your conductor this afternoon, where's it you're wantin' to go?" He looked about, saw Remus, then hesitated. "Oh. 'ello."

"Hi Stan."

"Now Mr. Lupin, you know I can't be bendin' none them rules for ya, I like ya as much as the next bloke but the comp'ny has strict policy and iffen I let'choo on board, I'm goin' to be havin' to let every werewolf I sees on board and iffen I do that, 'choo know I'll lose my job!"

"Stan, what if I told you my name was not Remus Lupin, you've mistaken me for another bloke and my name is actually --" he paused, "Rupert Holmes."

"Rupert Holmes, 'ey?"

"Yes, that's right. And I have a very large emergency that means I've got to get to the Daily Prophet's offices before they put the morning edition to bed. Could you let me on board then?"

Stan Shunpike thought about it.

Remus reached in his pocket and, sorry to do it because it would be one full meal less that he could be able to afford come the end of the money running out, he said, "What if I pay my two sickle fair with a whole galleon and didn't want any change?"

"Rupert Holmes, look'it'choo, lookin' exactly like my old friend Remus Lupin. Spittin' double if I ever saw one!"

"Thanks Stan." Remus pressed the gold coin into Stan's palm and climbed on board.

Ernie squinted at him from the driver's seat.

"Oi don't this bloke look like Remus Lupin?" Stan asked as he climbed up behind Remus and handed Ernie the galleon, eyebrows raised, "Rupert Holmes, his name is."

Ernie asked, "Huuuuhhh???"

"Going to the Daily Prophet's office, Ern!" Stan called and he waved Remus onboard.

"BUCKLE UP!" shouted the shrunken head hanging from Ernie's rearview mirror.

Stan grinned, holding onto the pole behind Ernie's shoulder as Remus scrambled to get into an old arm chair. "Hang on tight. We was all the way in Edinburgh before 'choo summoned us." His eyes were wide with excitement as his fingers tightened on the pole and Remus closed his own eyes as a great loud CRACK! echoed through the bus and suddenly they were flying - not literally, but figuratively, that is - down The Royal Mile in Edinburgh, top speed. The bus tires stretched tall to go up over a row of tourist buses and then dropped back down and squeezed through a narrow close, the exhaust popping loudly.

It took about fifteen minutes - they dropped a wizard off at Holyrood and picked up a quick stop in Bristol where the witch tried at haggling her fare down before paying her two sickles and taking a seat on a loveseat and pulling out her knitting - but finally the Knight Bus screeched to a halt outside the Prophet's offices and Stan Shunpike shouted, "ALLS THAT'S GETTIN' OFF FOR THE DAILY PROPHET!" 

Remus got up. "Thanks Stan."

Stan nodded, "Have a good evenin' Mr. Holmes," and tipped his cap. "Iffen'choo ever see my friend Remus, tell him I'm mighty sorry 'bout that policy, and iffen it was up to me I'd blast it off the side the bus in a flash."

"I know, Stan. Thanks again. Thanks Ernie!"

"Huuuuhhhh???" Ernie shouted.

"HE SAYS THANKS ERN!"

"Oh for what?!"

"For the ride!" Stan shook his head as Ernie asked "Huuuuuhhhh?" again and with a pop and a bang, the Knight Bus was gone.

Remus turned and hurried into the Daily Prophet's office, pressed for time, and rushed to the front desk. "I'd like to place an advert, please," he told the witch at the counter. She directed him to another office upstairs and Remus went and it took a good deal of time and more money than he ought to have spent, but by the time he was done, he was humming to himself - it really wasn't half bad.

RE: LOGISTICAL EXPERT
Yes, I like Pina Coladas,
And getting caught in the rain.
I will meet you tomorrow noon
So we can plan our escape -
Laddu on me.