ONCE UPON A TIME, in the city of Barenn-which is about as far from the End of the World as a person can possibly be, just so you know-a child was born.

Now, little Theodosius was like all other newly-born human beings: tiny, disgusting, and with completely undeveloped fine motor skills. Given that his unfortunate sire passed away from food poisoning before he was born, the fatherly influence Theodosius should have had throughout his infancy and childhood was replaced with a gripping terror of meatloaf.

After Theodosius was grown enough to control his bodily functions, he went off to grammar school. His mother had high expectations of him: she wanted him to become a Certified Publick Accountante of the Realm like his father, Theodosius the Elder, had been.

But young Theodosius mistrusted numbers almost as much as he mistrusted meatloaf. In fact, he mistrusted most things, such as the rules of physics, social interactions, the natural world, and hygiene. This equipped him poorly for most occupations, but luckily, there is an entire segment of the Barennite citizenry known for an inability to maintain eye contact or properly floss.

Magicworkers!

And so, to the thorough disappointment of his mother, Theodosius enrolled at the Sorcerer's Research Institute. He mastered his studies like a baby duck masters swimming. Which is, like, super fast and really easily. Seriously. Have you ever heard of a duckling learning to swim? No! They just know how to do it!

When Theodosius graduated from the Sorcerer's Research Institute, he decided to segue gently into the world of arcane studies by opening a tiny shop for magic goods down by the docks in Barenn. There, he made potions for colicky babies, tinctures for lovesick young gentlemen, and salves for sunburn, and he became known across Barenn for his magical remedies and his pasta seasonings. He enjoyed modest success in his business, during the day, and in the wee-est of the wee hours of the morning, he found the time to further his own arcane studies.

In this quaint little apothecary shop, Dear Reader, our story properly begins.