A/N

Hi, I'm not dead. I'd like to say the lack of updates is attributed to me saving publications for the future "hiatus," but really it's because I've been so busy figuring out what the fuck is going on with WandaVision. So...Yeah.

As for timing, this is pretty close to the start of the MCU, maybe 50 years out at most (which is almost nothing to them). But remember, Odin hasn't placed the worthiness charm over Mjolnir... So that's how that happened.

***

It was a beautiful morning, sunlight streaming through the gaps in the curtains. A few birds chirped outside and the palace staff started bustling about in the halls preparing for today's tasks.

And Olivia and Loki were still asleep in each other's arms. They didn't sleep in the same room very often, but the temperature in Olivia's room was abnormally high and Loki's room was always fairly chilly.

They continued to snore softly, contentedly in the peace of sleep...

That is, until Thor barged in.

Loki and Olivia shot awake at the sudden noise. Olivia screamed in shock and fell out of the bed.

"Thor! I thought we told you to knock!" Loki snarled as Olivia hastily pulled a sheet around herself.

"Save it. Where is it?" Thor snapped.

"Where is what?"

"Mjolnir. It's missing, and you took it."

"I did no such thing! Why would I even do that? I hate even touching it." Loki defended. Thor opened his mouth to retort, but shut it.

"That's a fair point."

"Wait, back up. Mjolnir is missing?" Olivia asked.

"I'm afraid so. I looked everywhere." Thor admitted.

"Okay, do you mean everywhere in the traditional sense, or everywhere in Thor terms, meaning you checked three places before giving up?" Loki asked.

"First off, how dare you accuse me of laziness when it comes to finding Mjolnir. Secondly, yes, everywhere. Losing such a precious item isn't something to be taken lightly."

"You're right, it's not. We can't tell people, though. It could cause a panic." Olivia said. Loki sighed.

"Let me get dressed, then I'll figure something out." He said. Thor nodded as he left the room.

"What do you have in mind?" Olivia asked, putting the sheet back on the bed and summoning her own clothes.

"I'm going to speak with Freya about borrowing her cloak." Loki said, tugging one of his boots on.

"Her falcon cloak? You know she doesn't like people using it."

"I know, but this is a serious issue."

"Fair point."

Once Loki finished getting ready, he and Olivia teleported in front of Freya's chambers, giving a polite knock on the door. The goddess answered almost immediately.

"Oh, good morning, you two. Is there anything I can help you with?" Freya asked, leaning on the door frame.

"We... We need to borrow your cloak." Olivia sheepishly admitted.

"My cloak?" Freya's expression soured. "I won't have you making mischief with my cloak, Loki."

"Thor's hammer is missing, probably stolen. We need to find out where it is." Loki replied.

"I'll get you the cloak."

Freya disappeared inside of her room before returning with the bundle of brown feathers. She made a point of passing it to Olivia with a nod before shutting her door.

"That was easy." Olivia said, passing the cloak to Loki. Now, Loki and Olivia were both adept shapeshifters, but Freya's cloak allowed for a more... Solid transformation into the form of a falcon. Not to mention, it didn't require the use of the Bifrost to travel from realm to realm. The pair stepped out onto a balcony overlooking the woods behind the palace. Loki tied the cloak around himself and gripped the rails.

"I'll be back once I figure it out. I shouldn't be long." Loki said. Olivia nodded as Loki gripped the sides of the cloak, changing his shape to that of a sleek falcon. He flew off the rail and into the distance.

***

Olivia had to stall for Loki for at least two hours. When one of the tailors had requested him for a fitting, Olivia told her that Loki was out on a horse ride.

"Without you, milady?" The tailor asked.

"We're not joined at the hip. I'll send for him once he returns." Olivia covered.

Later, Frigga had specifically asked for her son, saying that she wanted to assess his ability to cast the spell that allowed for him to fix a broken bone. Olivia gulped and said he was on an excursion into the woods.

"Whatever for?" Frigga had asked.

"One of the... Cows got loose and he was respectfully asked to go find it. Milky White's Kokkur's pride and joy, you know?" Olivia laughed nervously. Frigga seemed to buy the story, or at least she didn't ask.

Finally, Loki flew in through Olivia's window, transforming back and scattering feathers everywhere.

"Now look at the mess you've made." Olivia said, pointing to the fallen feathers.

"We've got bigger problems." Loki said, pulling the cloak off.

"Did you find Mjolnir?"

"Well... Not exactly. You know that earth giant Thrym we met several years back?"

"The one with the dog collar collection that lives in the cave systems on the other side of the planet?"

"Yes, him."

"Don't tell me he..." Olivia paled. Loki nodded.

"He stole the hammer. I don't know how, but he did."

"Well, is there a way we could get it back? A ransom we could pay?" Olivia asked. Loki chewed his lip as though he were incredibly embarrassed.

"Perhaps Freya would like it if we returned this." He held up the cloak before marching out of Olivia's room. She followed close behind.

"Wait, what's the price?" She asked. Loki didn't respond. They arrived to Freya's door, knocking on it gently. She opened it after a moment, her lips a thin line.

"Here's your cloak back." Loki said, handing the brown feathered mass to her.

"Thank you. Did you find Thor's hammer?" Freya asked.

"Er... Yes and no. Thrym stole it."

"That earth giant? Nasty piece of work, that one." Freya gagged.

"Well... He said the only way to get the hammer back was... For you to marry him." Loki admitted. Freya paled.

"Absolutely not." She said immediately.

"Is that seriously the only bargain you could make?" Olivia hissed.

"I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted." Loki defended. He turned back to Freya. "I will speak with my father right away about it, then we can organize a council to figure out what to do."

"Alright." Freya said, sullenly shutting her door.

***

A council was called as Loki had promised, all the major gods and goddesses coming together to come up with a solution. Nearly every one had proposed an idea, though inevitably a flaw was found. Loki shot most of the ideas down himself. In the end, only Heimdall had not proposed an idea. When questioned, he spoke up.

"I have an idea. But you will not like it." He said. Thor slammed his fist down onto the table.

"Whatever it takes to get my hammer back, we must to. Heimdall, pray tell us of your brilliant plan." He said.

"We dress Thor as a bride and pass him off as Lady Freya. He'll go to Thrym's home and-"

"I do not like it!" Thor declared. "Why, people will think I dress in women's clothes! Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I absolutely refuse! Terrible idea, sorry Heimdall."

"Thor, shut up." Loki said. "It's a brilliant plan."

"I refuse!"

"Thor, if you ever want to see your hammer again, you are going to dress in a bridal gown, you are going to put a veil over your face and beard, and you are not to complain." Loki fired back.

"Father, you can't possibly allow this!" Thor protested.

"Thor, there are no better ideas. You have to do this for the good of the realms. You will go with Loki and Olivia to get your hammer back, is that understood?." Odin said. Thor sighed.

"Fine." He huffed. The meeting adjourned after that, most of the ladies taking Thor away to get him dressed up. Loki and Olivia went to her room to prepare their disguises. They were to be acting as Freya's maidservants to accompany her to the wedding. Olivia grabbed a relatively plain dress out of the back of her closet. As for Loki, he changed into his female form, matching the dress to Olivia's.

"You had an idea that would cause less humiliation for Thor the whole time, didn't you?" She asked.

"I was in the process of thinking of one had Heimdall not brought his idea up." Loki said. "This was too good to pass up, though, don't you think?"

"You're not wrong." Olivia admitted, leading Loki out of her room to meet Thor in the main hall.

It took everything they had to not burst out laughing once they caught sight of Thor in his mother's wedding dress. The veil covered most of his face, bar his eyes, and his hair had been braided with many a fine jewel.

"One word about this and I'll skin you both." Thor grumbled.

"For what it's worth, you make a lovely bride, brother." Loki said, covering her mouth to hide a snicker.

"Let's just get this over with. This dress is really tight around my thighs." Thor sighed. Olivia let a snort of laughter slip on accident. He glared at her for a moment before he stomped out to Freya's chariot. Thor sat himself in the back seat next to Olivia as Loki took the reins. She snapped them and they lifted off the ground in the direction of the northern cave systems.

The ride was mostly filled with awkward silence, only penetrated by Thor's uncomfortable shifting. He was constantly either tugging at the dress or trying to scratch his beard. Olivia kept having to slap his arms down to keep him in check. Once they were nearly there, Thor broke the silence again.

"Hey, wait a minute, couldn't Loki have played the part of the bride?" He asked.

"Oh, look, the caves!" Loki pointed out, avoiding the question with the embarrassingly obvious answer. Olivia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as the chariot landed in front of the mouth of the cave.

"Now, Thor, remember. If you even speak a word, everything could fall apart. Just let Loki and I do the talking." Olivia said as they climbed out. Thor merely grunted, but held his tongue.

"Come along, my lady, we musn't delay. Your husband awaits!" Loki said. Thor looked at her with a mad bull look, but again held his peace. The three of them entered the cave cautiously, following the sounds of voices. Turning around one particular corner, they were met with the tall form of a female giant, who introduced herself as Thrym's sister. She looked at Thor carefully.

"This is the most beautiful maiden in all the realms? Doesn't seem so. And her ankles, why they were as thick as tree trunks!"

"It's but a trick of the light. Once her veil comes off, you will surely see her beauty." Olivia said smoothly.

"Now, where is her groom? Why, we haven't been able to keep her restrained. She was ever so excited to come." Loki asked. They were led into a large cave that was as well decorated as a cave could be for a wedding.

"What if he wants me to sit next to him?" Thor whispered.

"You'll just have to." Loki whispered back.

"But he could try to put his hand on my leg!"

"I'll sit between you two. We'll say that it's our custom if he asks." Olivia said. Thor seemed to calm down, just a little. Few words were passed as Thrym took his place at the head table, Olivia next to him, followed by Thor, then Loki on the far end. Hardly a moment later, the food was brought out on massive platters.

"This meal is to honor the beautiful Freya!" Thrym said in a booming voice before all the giants in attendance started digging in. Loki and Olivia took very small, reserved portions as would befit an Asgardian lady.

Thor however...

After downing at least a whole cask of ale, two platters of pastries, a whole pig's worth of meat, and half a goat, many of the other people waiting for food were disappointed. Loki and Olivia kept kicking Thor under the table, reminding him to slow down. He paid them no mind, continuing to scarf down his food. Perhaps this was his silent rebellion. Make him dress as a bride, sure, but he would eat his fill.

Olivia felt a tap on her shoulder that rather felt like someone was jamming a spoon into her flesh.

"The Lady Freya eats so much. She just drank half of her second cask of ale." Thrym said, half impressed, half bemused.

"I'm sure she has." Olivia said, taking a delicate sip of her own small goblet of ale. She glanced at Loki for help.

"I've never seen a woman eat and drink so ravenously."

"There is an... Obvious explanation." Loki replied.

"That's the second pig she's eaten."

"Two days and two nights!" Olivia blurted out. Loki gulped as she continued the lie.

"She hasn't eaten for two days because she was so keen to come and make love to her new husband." Loki said, turning to Thor. "It's so good to see you eating again, dear!"

Thor shot glares at both of them and continued to scarf more food down.

"I should kiss her." Thrym said.

"I-I would advise against it." Loki said, but Thrym was already leaning down. He finally got a good look at Thor's eyes and drew back. Thyrm leaned down to whisper to Olivia.

"Why are the Lady Freya's eyes so... Terrifying? Those aren't the eyes of a beautiful woman." He asked her.

"Well-Well of course they would be! She hasn't slept since she had heard of the engagement, she was ever so excited to come. That is burning passion in her eyes that you see." Olivia rambled, continuing to spill out more lies. Thor again glared at Olivia, not bothering to hide his growl.

"Isn't it time for the wedding?" Loki spoke up to cover for the very unfeminine growl coming from Thor.

"Why, it is!" Olivia said, silently thanking Loki for cutting in.

"Bring forth the hammer to sanctify the bride!" Thrym said. Per marital traditions, a replica of Mjolnir was placed upon the bride's lap as a blessing of fertility... Seeing that Thor was also somehow the god of that. How that happened, Loki and Olivia would never know.

Of course, these giants were stupid enough to bring out the real Mjolnir for the ceremony.

Four giants brought the hammer forward and laid it gently upon Thor's lap. He gently grabbed the handle as the marriage vows were recited. Loki and Olivia knew what would happen next, so they slid under the table to hide.

"...Tell me that you pledge yourself to me as women have pledged themselves to men, and men to women, since the beginning of time. What do you say?" Thrym recited. Thor smiled underneath the veil and laughed. A deep, booming laugh that shook the room and unnerved the giants inside.

"What I say is that you should not have taken my hammer." Thor said. Before any of the giants could process it, Thor ripped off his veil and promptly proceeded to pummel every single giant in the room until each one lay dead in the cave. Thor let out a roaring battle cry as Loki and Olivia crawled out from under the table.

"Well." Loki said, smoothing out her dress. "That takes care of that.

"Though, I feel like this was a bit much." Olivia said, gesturing to all the corpses scattered around.

"They had it coming." Thor said, about to take the dress off.

"Wait, Thor, no!" Loki protested, shoving the skirt back down. "That's all you're wearing. Wait until we get back, then you can give it back to Mother."

"Fine." Thor grunted. "Well, I got my hammer back and I had a nice dinner. Let's head back home."

***