The realisation that Ryan was dead hit Brendon full force, and as doctors swarmed in, ushering us all to our feet, he shook his head and sobbed harder than ever.

"Ryan, Ryan no please -" his hands trembled, and I slipped an arm around his waist in case he lost it. "Do something, somebody do something - he can't be dead - he can't leave me - he wouldn't do that - please -"

"Bren-"

"No!" He screamed, trying to get out of my hold. "You said the chemo was working, you said he was getting better, you fucking piece of shit liars how could you -"

"Brendon, honey," Ryan's mom was there in an instant, taking his hands, tears rolling slowly down her face. "I'm sorry...he - he stopped having treatment a few months ago. He said there was no point, not if it wasn't working. And it wasn't. He was just getting worse."

The color drained from Brendon's face, and all he could do was stand there, stunned, as Ryan's body was wheeled from the room.

"No..." He said quietly, his voice wobbling, his lower lip trembling. "No, that's not...no...he wouldn't - he wouldn't do that to me - why didn't he tell me, I - did he not trust me?!" He was borderline hysterical, struggling to breathe with tears streaming down his face. "It's not fair! It's not fucking fair! He never did anything wrong, he wasn't a bad guy, he - he - he didn't deserve this!"

He then stormed out, leaving me with Ryan's parents, who shuffled out also, Mrs Ross weeping quietly into her husband's shoulder. I set off to find Brendon, who would undoubtedly end up doing something stupid.

As I hurried through the corridors, my phone rang from its location in my back pocket, and I jumped slightly, having forgotten it was there. I pulled it out, my heart leaping when I saw it was Gerard, and I answered the call, trying not to break down in the middle of the hospital.

"Gerard!" I choked out, making a beeline for the exit.

"Baby where are you? I got home and the house was trashed and you weren't there and there was some letter about you going to Jersey and -"

"Gerard..." I felt the first few tears slip from my eyes as I reached the doors, my hands shaking. "I'm at the hospital, where - where are you?"

"On my way."

He hung up, and I sank onto a nearby bench, wrapping my arms around myself. It was cold, for summer, and the sun was just beginning to set. I seemed to have given up searching for Brendon, so I called him, to no avail. Maybe he just wanted to be alone.

I'd lost one of my closest friends. It didn't seem to register. Of course, there was this ache in my chest and I really, really wanted to cry, but I couldn't get past feeble weeping.

From the moment he'd told me he was going to die, I'd kind of been expecting it...but not so soon. Not as soon as this.

"Frankie!" My head shot up, and I saw Gerard, rushing towards me.

I got to my feet and threw myself in his arms, ending up sobbing helplessly against his shoulder. As soon as he was holding me, it felt like something had crashed into me and that was it. I felt winded. Suddenly the tears came and I couldn't stop them.

"What's happened? Are you okay? Is it -?" he cut himself off, and I knew who he meant.

"He's gone...he's gone...Gee, he's gone..."

"Oh my God..." He held me tighter, stroking my hair as I cried. "Oh my God, oh my...oh, baby...I'm so sorry..."

We stayed like that for several minutes, the whine of sirens and the murmur of voices vaguely registering in the back of my mind. He smelled of cigarettes and coffee and booze but I was too upset to care or question why I could smell booze on him. Brendon was right; it wasn't fair.

"Frankie?" Gerard said after what felt like forever. I looked up at him through tearful eyes, and he cupped my face with one hand. "What do you want to do?"

The answer was obvious: bring Ryan back somehow. But considering I was neither Jesus nor in possession of the power of resurrection, it wouldn't be happening anytime soon.

"I don't know..." I whimpered, just wanting to go home and forget this ever happened. But of course, it wasn't that easy. Nothing ever was.

"I'll call Mikey; we can stay at his tonight, if that's what you want." I simply shrugged. "Where's Brendon?" I shrugged again, worry beginning to flare up again as I thought about him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to leave with Gerard and call him, or wait for him to turn up. What if we left and he did something stupid? "Okay. Give me your phone and then go to the car. I'll call him. If he doesn't pick up I'll go look for him."

I nodded slowly, more to myself than anything, and traded my phone for his car keys. He kissed my forehead and headed towards the doors, while I wandered off in the general direction of his car. I didn't want to think about anything, but of course my mind was going at about a million miles an hour.

As the car door shut behind me, I let out a sob, burying my face in my hands as I thought about tomorrow, about the next day, about the days, weeks, months after. I thought about Brendon waking up alone, about not having both of them laughing and smiling on Skype, about everything and anything.

I never thought I'd lose one of my closest friends, not at eighteen. It was ridiculous. It wasn't fair. Eighteen was no age to die. It was no age to lose your best friend, or your husband.

The sound of the door opening made me jump, and I raised my head to see Gerard sliding into the passenger seat. He wordlessly handed me my phone and I took it, setting it in my lap as he put his seatbelt on and started the car.

The silence was suffocating, but there was nothing I could do about it, simply buckling up myself and staring out the windshield. The journey was a blur, and we ended up at Mikey's with no recollection of getting there. Somehow I ended up upstairs, in the spare room, stripped to my underwear - borrowing a shirt from Mikey - and in the bed with Gerard.

And then the tears started again, and I wept into his shirt, his arms around me. I was convinced I wouldn't sleep, that I would be kept awake by my thoughts, but soon I drifted off, desperate to forget.

~

"Frankie. Frankie, sweetheart..." I snapped out of my daze, feeling Gerard's hand on my arm. "You okay?"

I rolled into my side, curling up against his chest. "Yeah. I think so."

"Sure?" He ran a hand through my hair, and I nodded, blinking away tears.

"How long have I been awake for?"

"I don't know. You were awake when I woke up, and I've only been awake for like half an hour."

I sighed, turning onto my other side, away from him. "Have you heard from Brendon?"

"No, but if you want I'll call his parents in a couple of hours."

"Okay." I sniffed, waiting to feel his arm snake around my waist, and when it didn't, I threw back the duvet and got up, pulling on yesterday's jeans. "Is Mikey up?" I asked, my back to him.

"Someone's moving around downstairs." It was then that his arms wound around my waist, and he held me close, against his chest. "I love you."

"I -"

He kissed my neck, sighing against my skin. "I wasn't finished. I love you, and don't you ever forget that. No matter what happens, you will always mean the world to me, okay?"

I spun around, cupping his face with both hands. "Don't you dare leave me. I swear to God, Gerard, you can't leave me now."

"I'm not going to leave you. Don't worry." He leaned his forehead against mine, his tongue darting out to lick his lower lip. "I'm just letting you know -"

"Well don't." I closed my eyes, knowing that I was seconds away from bursting into tears - again. "I lost my best friend yesterday and - and I've got to go the rest of my life without seeing him again, and...I can't - I just -"

"I know, baby." He murmured, letting me bury my face in his shoulder. "I know. It's difficult, and it sucks, and it hurts, but I'm not gonna leave you. You've always got me."

"Promise?"

"I promise, Frankie. I promise."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not dead, which is both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on your viewpoint. I still don't have much to say, except I've read every single angry and sad comment posted on the previous chapter, and I'm astonished that I moved so many of you. I can only apologise for what I've done and hope that you'll accept it.

I'm going to try updating this once a week at least, though the exact days won't be fixed - so in one Monday-Sunday period, there will probably be an update of this.

And if you don't hate me too much and would be so kind as to check out the new Ryden fic I've started posting, that would be awesome; it's called Thanks Pete (no, really), and I would love to hear what you guys think of it :)

Apologies for the short chapter, but yeah. Much love.

Thanks Pete,

-xøcharr <3