Silence.

An achingly empty silence that I couldn't fill. There were a million things I wanted to say, but I couldn't say any of them.

"You can't get mad." I said, and received a humorless laugh in response. "No, you can't."

"Why can't I?"

"You just - you just can't, okay? We're not having this conversation over the phone."

"Right, fine. Have it your way."

"My way?! I don't want to have this conversation here, we need to talk about this properly. This isn't me wanting my way."

"Yeah, whatever. I'll be home soon. Meet me at the house. Alone."

~

I heard the front door open just as I was folding the last of my shirts, and my hands slowed. There were careful, deliberate footsteps on the stairs, and my heard began to beat faster; I really did not want this confrontation.

I couldn't bear shouting, or screaming, or crying, and I didn't want accusations or swearing. I couldn't bear fights. Not with Gerard. It just hurt too much, made me feel like I was at fault, even when I wasn't. I just missed being us, before all this shit started. I missed him.

I knew he was at the door but didn't turn around, laying the folded shirt on the bed and wringing my hands together. They were trembling, my nerves jittery and on edge. Kissing Bob - no matter who initiated it - was nowhere near as bad as sleeping with Bert.

"What are you doing?" I heard him say, and I just wanted to kiss him and make it all go away. But I couldn't. It wouldn't.

I needed him like I needed air to breathe, but I didn't know if he was the right kind of air for me anymore.

"Folding shirts." I mumbled pathetically, stating the fucking obvious.

"Frankie." I could feel him behind me, his hands on my hips. "What's going on?" I didn't reply, my hands coming up to wrap around myself and touch his. "Honey?"

I noticed that the sheets were neat, and made, for the first time in ages. They looked like they hadn't been slept in for weeks, and they hadn't - because Gerard and I had been in Jersey. With a pang I realised that maybe they wouldn't get messed up again, not by the two of us. Maybe by Gerard and some other guy. Maybe by Gerard and Bert.

Bile rose in my throat and I ripped myself away from Gerard, desperately trying to swallow down my breakfast, which was threatening to make an appearance. There was nowhere to go but sideways.

"I can't." I said, shaking my head. "I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" His confused eyes looked from me to my clothes and back to me again, and then realisation settled onto his face. "Oh. I see how it is."

"Gee..."

"Are you leaving me?"

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the hurt on his face, but when I looked at him, I saw only anger. Like my silence was an answer. Like my silence meant yes.

Like I wasn't allowed to make the choice.

"You can't do that." He said, his hands clenched into fists.

"I didn't answer the question." I replied.

"Which said it all, really."

I licked my lips. "Gee, you don't understand. I...I need to stay in Jersey for a while. By myself. I love you, but I don't think you love me anymore." With every word, my voice got quieter and quieter, and I suddenly found the carpet extremely fascinating.

"What are you on about? Of course I love you."

I shook my head. "If you love me - like you say you do - then you wouldn't have slept with Bert."

"Jesus Christ, I was drunk!"

"You can't blame your actions on alcohol. You shouldn't have started drinking in the first place."

"I couldn't help it!"

"Yes, you could." I took a deep breath and then went to the closet, where I took out the case I'd used to transport my things here in the first place. "I can't be around you when you're like this. Living in the same house as your ex was bad enough, but I can't stay here, not now I know that you actually fucked him."

"It was a mistake!"

I made the mistake of looking up at him, dropping the case onto the bed. "Was it on this bed? Did you make a mess on the sheets?" I could feel tears rising in my eyes, and I swear, the minute I cried I'd be out of here. "Did you...did you scream out his name as you came? Did you fuck him like you fuck me?"

He shook his head, not even bothering to hide his desperation. "Frankie, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I know Bert has been feeding you lies but -"

"Bert hasn't been feeding me lies." I hissed. "He admitted that it was his fault too, and he told me what happened, and right now I'm more inclined to believe him over you."

"Stop it, please, don't do this to me." I didn't reply, shoving my clothes into the case, along with the rest of my belongings. "Does this mean you're breaking up with me?"

I froze, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I formulated an answer. Did this mean I had to break up with him? "No."

"Then why -"

"I just need to be alone!" I pinched the bridge of my nose, taking a few deep breaths. "You can give me that, can't you?"

"Yes, but I don't want to. I don't want to be without you, I don't want want to wake up without you by my side, I'm scared of losing you but I don't want to be. It sounds horrible and selfish but I can't do this on my own." I shook my head, gathering up the possessions I had yet to take, and I made my way towards the door. "No, no, Frank, please! I love you!"

I couldn't look at him. I just couldn't. "No, you don't." There was a pause, as I had my hand on the door handle, and then he spoke.

"I need help. Please."

I closed my eyes, his sad, small voice stabbing me right in the chest. "What do you mean?"

There was a gentle thud, and when I turned around he'd sunk to his knees, his head in his hands. "I need help. You're right, about everything. Bert is poisoning me. I'm poisoning me. I can't control myself anymore and I can't crawl out of the hole I've dug myself into." He raised his head, tears streaming down his face. "Please, Frank. You don't have to stay. I won't make you. I just need you to help me."

I exhaled, hard, and then I sat my belongings on the floor, making my way over to Gerard to sit beside him. He was shaking with sobs, his arms wrapped around his chest. I'd never seen him so vulnerable, ever. But I wasn't going to be fooled by him, not until I knew everything.

"Talk to me," I said, my voice gentle. "Tell me what's going on."

He took a deep, shaking breath, wiping his nose. "I don't know where to start." I bit my tongue, knowing that if I didn't I'd state the obvious. How about the beginning? "When I left Jersey, I - I was doing well, I missed you, but I was getting by and counting down the days until I could see you again. But all of a sudden, things started to get bad, and - and I couldn't stop myself from going to the dark places anymore."

"So you drank."

He nodded. "I drank."

"But why? What made you think that drinking again would fix everything?"

"Because - because it makes me forget about all the bad things I've done, and it stops me from hurting." He looked up at me with sad, hazel eyes. "Surely you should know what that's like, doing something you know is wrong but it makes you feel better."

I closed my eyes for a moment, because he was right. That didn't make it any better, though. "I do."

"I need your help, Frank. I can't get through this on my own. Bert sees weakness in me, and he knows by now that he can use that against me to get what he wants. I know I hurt you, and I know I did horrible things, and treated you like shit - and I'm not asking you to forgive me, though that would be nice - but I just -" He groaned, holding his head. "I need to get out of here. I need to be away from him. From everything. Please. Please. You have to help me."

I reached out and took his hand, holding it tight in mine. Hurting as much as he was didn't excuse what he'd done, and it never would, but we could never fix this - fix us - if he didn't get some help.

"I wish you'd told me this sooner, you fucking asshole." I said, shaking my head. "This is so fucked up."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen, I should've stayed in Jersey, I should've been there for you, I should've -"

"It's too late for should'ves, Gerard. But it's okay. We can fix this. I believe in you."

Truthfully, I wasn't sure I did fully believe in him. But I wasn't going to give up hope just yet. Not when I could be the one to save him from the monsters in his home.

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Hi so yeah I keep coming back to this, yes I do hate myself thanks for asking

but it's been six years since i wrote this, so i thought i may as well write a couple of alternate chapters, an alternate ending, if you will. just to explore what could've been, ya feel? 

y'all can't get rid of me that easily, y'know

i can't promise i'll write anything new after this, seeing as i am very much done with frerard, but we'll see where this takes us, shall we?

xoxorevenge