–Mason–

"So," Jen's voice spreads confidently from where she stands. "Should we do this the hard way or the easy way?" She has her hands on her hips and her chin is raised like a warrior.

I never liked Jen before. She was always so deviant and weird as a female werewolf. But she was one of our best healers so I kept her as a member of the pack.

Looking at her now, it seems she has found the perfect place where she can just be herself unapologetically. A prick of shame strikes me on the chest yet again. Jen was another amazing female who was pushed to run away from our pack because of our ignorance.

Next to Jen, a lycan female is standing fiercely. She looks like a warrior and she has one of the sharpest gazes I have ever seen. Lycans are known to give their females equal chances as males. I always thought that it was a stupid policy because, by nature, females and males are completely different.

After I got paralyzed and saw how amazing Gina was, I began to wonder, how amazing and wholesome our pack could be if I was not too blinded by gender stereotypes? How many female warriors have we missed? How many fantastic scholars have we mentally put down before they could start? How many radiant beings we have failed to let shine?

I only look at Jen for quite some time. The wild determination inside her used to scare me. Now, it gives me courage.

Heaving a long sigh, I resign to my desperation. "Do you think Lyall can take down Ed?" I ask Jen, which shocks everyone who has gathered in front of the gate. "If you believe he can, I will... we will cooperate with you."

My voice breaks in front of the female werewolf I used to diss. "He has Gina as a hostage. We all can't go on like this." I look at my pack members one by one. Then I look at the vampires under Ed. All of them give me a tired look. They all agree that Ed needs to be stopped.

Besides, I don't think my pack members can take down a cavalry consisting of rogues and lycans. Even if we have some vampires helping us. Moreover, that shadow boy is still watching me like a hawk from his sitting spot. That shadow boy is one of the scariest beings I have ever met.

"I don't think Lyall can take down Ed. At least not this Ed," Jen says, "But I believe Mars can."

Of course... Why did I not believe in Mars's power?

I guess I still have a long way to go before I can face Gina.

***

–Mars–

"It's done," Ed announces cheerfully after he is done putting on a spell on a small beaker glass. I never knew Ed to know any ancient spells, so my guess is that it is a remnant memory from the body.

He walks toward me holding the beaker glass with a wide grin. Somehow, the more I see him happy about this situation, the more I feel conflicted. I feel guilty for giving up like this, and I also feel sad things are going this way. Above all, I feel desperate for a change.

I guess even if I understand my own emotions, it doesn't make me better at handling them.

For a while, I only look at the clear beaker glass. The concoction is red with a slight purple hue. There is white smoke coming out of the beaker glass. At first glance, the liquid seems hot because it can disintegrate the wood splinter in seconds and create a little bubble on the surface. But a second later, frost is forming on the glass.

I glance at the beaker glass then glance to the side to see Gina still unconscious inside the small pond under the giant tree. Lastly, I glance at Ed.

"I'll wake her up after you drink this," Ed says as if reading my mind. "Then we can do whatever you want to do."

My mouth stays quiet, though deep down, millions of things pile inside me about things I want to do. I want to go back. I want to see my baby. I want to stop feeling like this.

Instead, I take the beaker glass and stare at the red concoction on my palm. After drinking this potion, I will want different things because I would be a different Mars. A different girl who has not yet felt the wonderful breeze of unlimited opportunity. A different girl who was content with being safe and living day by day. A different girl who never dared to dream beyond what people told her.

I would be a different girl who had not given birth yet. A different girl who had not experienced loss and who did not have to run away for her life.

A different girl who had not experienced what true love should feel like.

Yes, I realize now that what I had with Ed was... contentment, friendly and supportive companionship. I loved Ed because he made me feel secure and he treated me right.

But I didn't love Ed like I loved Lyall. With Lyall... it's passion, with burning fire and butterflies in my stomach. I loved Lyall desperately as if my life would be stale without Lyall. And my life has gone numb without him.

When Ed left me, my world turned upside down. But when I made Lyall leave me, my world had turned colorless.

I have lost the desire to live in a world without Lyall.

This kind of love scares me a bit. But I have learned that I like the way Lyall scares me with this love.

"Just one sip, Mars," Ed urges. There is a sense of urgency in his tone, which is weird.

"Mars, I didn't tell you enough how lucky I was to have you," Ed adds, "I promise I would treat you better. Much better than before. I will treat you like you're the only queen in this world."

I look at Ed. His blue eyes are sincere. So I give him a weak smile. I can't hold my tongue any longer. "But Ed, you're now crushing me by caging me."

When Ed's eyes widen, I take a deep breath. I have nothing else to lose. In a moment I will lose my memories, anyway.

"The past me might have learned to live happily with you. But it's a shame that you won't get to know the me I am most proud of. You are," I scoff into weak, depressed laughter, "You are stripping me away from all that I have built by myself."

My grip on the beaker glass tightens. Sasha howls inside of me at the same time I hear the sound of a stone wall being battered hard.

In my mind, I am drowning on one side of the huge stone wall. My feet are linked to multiple anchors that have buried my legs up to my calves under the bottom of the ocean. And the battering happens on the other side. As if someone is trying to break the wall down to let the water out so I can breathe.

The banging happens two times. One bang and it makes me look at the stone wall. I didn't even realize that the stone wall is there, quite close to me that I can put both of my hands on the wall. Two bangs and I hear his voice.

'I love you.'

I draw in a sharp breath as I look at the door of the dungeon. Something that I thought I have lost sparks to life inside me. It's small, but it's there. And I hold desperately to that tiny spark.

Then I look at Gina who looks paler each time I see her. Pursing my lips after holding Ed's gaze yet again, I tell him, "Why don't you wake her up now? I'll drink the potion after you break her sleeping spell."

Ed's pupils constrict a little. He looks a bit shocked at my demand. But when he too, looks in the door's direction, he becomes agitated. His desperation for me to drink the potion quickly makes him say, "Fine." Then he rushes to extend a hand on Gina's head. A red circle full of symbols appears in front of his palm.

"Arei," he whispers.

The circle full of symbols breaks into red dust that is absorbed by Gina's skin. For the next millisecond, Gina takes in a sharp and long inhale. But her eyes are still closed and she still lays inside the pond unmoving.

"She'll wake up in minutes now," Ed says, "Now drink." His voice is more insisting. His gaze lets me know that it's an order, that if I still refuse, he will force the potion down my throat.

"Ed," I tell him, "I loved you. I think you were a great guy, and you always deserved a lot more than just being a Beta of a werewolf pack."

He smiles but fails to hide his nervousness. "That's sweet. But you really need to drink."

"Ed, you deserve a girl who will love you for who you are too. Whether you're a werewolf, a vampire, or a hybrid. You deserve a girl who will accept your darkness and light at the same time."

"What game are you playing at, Mars?" Ed starts to get irritated. "You are that person for me."

"No, Ed," I tell him calmly. Somehow, my voice is full of conviction. "I am not."

That's when Ed realizes that I have changed my mind. That I know someone is coming to get me. And this time, I am coming back with that person. I am not staying in this place that is crushing me for the second time.

The vampire growls in anger. His blue eyes shower me with cold rage. Then Ed reaches for the beaker glass and is about to push the drink into my mouth when suddenly the door bursts open.

I hear his familiar heartbeat first before I take in his comforting scent.

My head turns instantly, and when my eyes find his green eyes, I feel slightly easier to breathe. A surge of warmth fills my chest. It's as if someone is wrapping a warm blanket around me in the cold night. But with each second, the blanket makes me feel too stuffed, and it becomes another added pressure on my chest. Yet it doesn't feel uncomfortable.

My eyes are watery and hot. The tips of my fingers have electrical currents. I so badly want to touch him, to bury myself in his embrace, to feel his warmth. My feet are tingling with the urgent sense to run to him.

I have missed him a lot more than I realize. And now that he is in front of me, that pandora's box just exploded.

My eyes pay attention to every little detail they can see from Lyall's lycan form. There are bruises and cuts all over his body. But he stands tall and he definitely towers over Ed.

Without realizing it, I reach for that stone wall under the water in my mind. That stone wall where I heard someone ramming it hard from the other side. That stone wall that separates both Lyall and me. That stone wall is the manifestation of the crystal effect blocking our bond. And the battering has begun yet again. This time, it's continuous.

My hand touches the surface of the stone wall. I can feel the constant rumbling of the wall due to the banging. Lyall is still ramming the wall from the other side, not giving up on destroying the wall. The rumble causes the ground under the sea to shake too. Some of the sands move and I can pull my legs out completely. Although the anchors of doubts are still buried deep. It will take a huge amount of power to take them out. Then it will take another impossible strength to drag them all to reach the surface so I can breathe normally.

I look up to the shaking wall. The wall stands without an end, even beyond the surface of the sea and into the sky with clouds.

Lyall keeps on ramming the wall hard. He doesn't stop. He doesn't give up.

I try banging my hands on the wall. But I feel so stupid, because how can a powerless woman like me make a dent in the stone wall, let alone shake the entire wall? I was never trained as a warrior, after all.

Still, I rest my palms on the wall to feel every little movement the wall makes. Each rumble made by Lyall sparks something inside me.

'Lyall,' I try shouting his name inside my mind, hoping that despite the thick wall, Lyall can hear me. But all that comes out of my mouth are water bubbles. No sounds at all.

I finally rest my head on the stone wall too. Even the tears pooling in my eyes can't be seen because I am already underwater.

I can't do anything to break the wall... But at least I can do one thing.

In the fraction of a second that Ed is shocked to see how fast Lyall gets here, I grip the beaker glass hard. Too hard that I cause the fragile bottle to explode into pieces right in front of me. The glass splinters scrape my skin, but I keep my gaze at Ed straight. Time seems to move slower and I can see every detail of his ocean eyes growing darker with a shade of betrayal.

A few glass pieces scrape Ed's cheek and nose. But as soon as the red lines are formed, they are also stitched back up to perfection in no time. His regenerating ability is amazing. On the other hand, when a piece of glass grazes my cheek, the red line only becomes redder, until a trail of blood flows down my cheek to my neck. It doesn't seem like the wound will close anytime soon, though if I give it a few hours, Sasha would be able to patch me up completely.

My gaze stays with Ed.

"Mars," is all he can muster to say in a croaking voice. Then his eyes look down at my hand, which has been cut by the sharp glass pieces. Blood flows freely from the cut on my palm, fingers, and on my wrist. The thick red liquid has dropped to the floor a few times. There is no sign of it stopping for the time being.

I look at my bleeding hand as if in a trance. The dark red color really contrasts my skin.

'What am I doing?' I ask myself. Then I feel my vision blurs and my body sways a little.

My body falls to the floor with a loud thud. In order to bear the weight of my body, my palms drop down to the floor. But another piece of glass has cut my other palm instead. This time, I cry out in pain. My eyes are watery from the sight of blood on both of my hands. I blink away the tears as a sinking feeling is creeping its way into my lungs.

I look up to see Ed and Lyall facing off each other with both of their fangs and claws already drawn out. Lyall with his lycan form and Ed's eyes and veins turn black.

I only realize now that while Lyall tried to catch me while I fell, Ed pushed Lyall with a strong force and causing a huge dent in the concrete wall on the other side of the wall. Lyall managed to push Ed away for Lyall to regain his stance.

Now the two men are staring at each other with the intent to kill. There are fiery rages behind their eyes, their muscles are all tensed up, and their growls contain threats to each other.

"Mars, are you okay?" Lyall asks without removing his gaze from Ed who just snarls at him.

I can't answer Lyall. My eyes look down to my bleeding palms and when I ask myself for the second time, 'What am I doing?,' I can't answer myself.

Why did I break the beaker glass? Didn't I choose to stay with Ed to avoid this, Lyall confronting Ed and risking his life as well as his kingdom for me, from happening?

So why is this still happening?

Am I worth all this? Why does Lyall come back for me? What about his kingdom? What about the members of this pack?

Surely, I am not worth risking all those lives, right?

So what am I doing? I had a clear conviction about what I wanted to do, but as soon as the beaker glass is destroyed, my conviction wavered. I don't know what I should do after this...

My mind is so confused... so muddled with... with... doubts. Are these negative thoughts even mine in the first place? Are these doubts completely valid in the first place?

"Mars!" Lyall raises his voice.

Instead of me answering him, Ed hisses viciously at Lyall. "Go back, Lycan King! Or there will be war–"

"I am no longer the king and I have come alone. If you declare war without a solid basis, the other kingdoms will condemn you. And if so, you won't ever have a peaceful life. They will seek to destroy you." Lyall's voice is strong and clear. It's like he has no doubts about coming here, he has no doubts that I am worth it.

But will Lyall still consider me worthy of saving when he learns I can no longer conceive, or when he finds out that I am no longer the whole Mars he used to know...

I am no longer whole...

Repeating the words in my head, I realize, finally, that I have been broken. The only thing I can do is stare at the gushing red liquid from my palms.

Lyall growls loudly out of the blue. His voice is whole and full of anger. "What have you done to my wife?" he asks Ed.

"Your 'wife'?" Ed scoffs in a mocking tone, "She is my wife!"

"And this is how you treat your 'wife'?" Lyall raises his voice, "You have snuffed out the fire inside her, cheating your way in with a magical crystal because deep down you know Mars can never accept your pathetic self any longer."

"She has earned and lived so much more beyond what you could provide," Lyall continues, his voice keeps on increasing with every word, "And your coward, insecure self is trying to steal all that away from her!"

"But guess what," Lyall looks at me straight in the eye instead of looking at Ed. His voice is crystal clear and with no doubts. "You should never have underestimated her."

Those words echo in my mind.

Lyall truly believes I can do something about my state on my own. As if I am not yet broken and will not be. He talks as if I am more than capable of saving myself and everyone else implicated.

"I challenge you to a blood duel, Ed!" Lyall roars. It's the kind of roar that would make anyone has goosebumps. The intensity in his voice is nothing short of amazing.

Clicking his tongue, Ed looks back at me. Ed looks at my crumpled position on the floor, my bleeding palms, and then straight into my eyes. Unlike Lyall who gave me a hopeful look, Ed smirks at me with a gaze that says he doesn't believe I can do anything. "Stay there a bit longer, will you?" Ed says, "I'll fix you up later."

To Ed, I am already broken, that I am a damsel in distress and he will be my knight in shining armor.

'I'll fix you up later.'

Deep down, I know what Ed means is he will fix me so I can continue to be the 'doll' he desires so desperately to have. The old Mars that he fell in love with.

Deep down, in my mind, I try to yank my anchored feet, trying to break free from the ground. I extend my hands to reach the ocean surface. But it's too far... and it's so hard to breathe.

When I don't even move from my spot, I see the disappointment in Lyall's eyes and at the same time, a winning grin from Ed.

"I'll accept the duel," Ed says confidently. "I will gladly kill you, Lycan."

'No!' I want to scream. Why did Lyall have to come for a disappointment like me? Why would Lyall risk his life for...

Just then, someone grabs my hands with so much gentleness. I am not surprised by the sudden touch. Instead, I welcome the warmth. My head spins a little to look at the owner of the warm hands.

Her dark hazel eyes are clear and calm despite the tired dark bags under her eyes. Her brown skin is washed out, her lips are pale, and her fingers are all bones. But those fingers are warm. They guide my fingers to the small pond under the large tree. The cool water soothes my irritated skin instantly. It washes my blood from my skin. Yet, no matter how much blood is diluted in the water, the pond never turns red. My blood always swirls to nothingness. And I also see my wounds closing sooner than normal. In just seconds, my wounds are no more.

Gina intertwines her fingers with mine under the water. Her gaze holds mine with tenderness.

Here are two women, looking at each other deeply while the two men in the room are staring deadly at each other.

"When I was stuck as Mason's 'doll' of a Luna, I questioned the same things. I questioned my worth because people used to disregard us, females. And I was never someone special in terms of physical, social, or magic. So, what is my worth? I kept asking if I was worthy or strong enough of a person for me to fight for the life I want. Was I important enough of a person for the world to grant me a better life?" Her voice is barely a whisper. But I can hear the strength in her small tone.

"Are you?" I have to ask. Although I already know the answer. "You are. That's why you were planning to leave. But I am not–"

But Gina shakes her head. "No, Mars," she says, "The truth is, I never got to answer my own question. I got tired of asking that myself so I stopped asking. Because in the end, it doesn't matter, Mars. It doesn't matter if the world thinks you are worthy enough, important enough, or strong enough. The world's opinion never matters and nothing will matter if you have given up on yourself. Our worth, importance, and strength are not determined by others. It's determined by how hard we are willing to fight for ourselves."

I blink.

"So, change the question, Mars," she continues, "Ask yourself, how hard are you willing to fight for yourself?"

"But I don't want to cause others harm..."

"It's Ed that is causing others harm. You, on the other hand, have done enough noble deeds," Luna Gina cups my face. "So now you owe yourself at least one noble deed. Save yourself. And I believe you can save all of us."

"H–How? What am I... supposed to do?"

Luna Gina smiles a little. Her warm gaze never wavers. "Believe in yourself, Mars. Believe that you can get through the blues. Believe that you will be fine. I'm sorry I didn't believe you were strong enough before. But I do now. So you need to believe in yourself too."

Her pupils, however, start to waver, "Faith, Mars. All you need to do is have faith in yourself. And you will always be worthy enough for all the love you get."

Right then, a huge wave of air explodes from the middle of the room. It travels to the entirety of the room, causing the walls to shake and leaves to fall from the tree. Both Gina and I look back at the two men who are still eyeing each other with brutal viciousness.

Not even a second has passed, the two of them have lunged at each other with the speed of light.

The blood duel has started.

–to be continued–