The light sneaking through the window is what brought him out of his slumber. He looked around and realized he was back in his bed, and he had the worst taste in his mouth. It had been months since he had had any kind of alcohol, and now his body was itching again for at least a drop of it. He searched for the bottle of whiskey but couldn't find it anywhere. He started getting annoyed when his head started pounding, or maybe it had been like that for a while and he had just noticed.

He sat up and looked around the gray room, then at the clock that told him it was already four in the afternoon. There was a water bottle and some pills on his bedside table, which he was quick to take when even opening his eyes was too painful. When that was done, he laid down again on his side and closed his eyes to try and go back to sleep. He felt like death, and probably looked like death. He was halfway there when there was a knock on the door and he pretended to be asleep.

"Lou?"

It was his mother. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping for her to go away when he couldn't face her. She was probably there to kick him out after he had gone out to buy alcohol. There was zero tolerance in her home, so he braced for the worst. He only felt her warm hand on his cheek then her fingers running through his messy tangled up hair. He really needed a shower.

"Baby. Lou, you need to wake up and eat something." Jay spoke, her voice shaking at the sight and her nose wrinkling due to the bitter smell in the room. She needed to open a window.

"I know you're awake, darling." She softly said. "You can't fool your mom."

Her heart ached when she saw a tear rolling down towards his nose. She wiped it away and continued running her fingers through Louis' hair. She looked out the window, wishing she could take all his pain away. She wished she could make him happy again. Go back to that time where her boy was home and he was happy. But she couldn't do that, all she could do was to be there for him, give him all her love.

"M'not hungry." Louis said, clearing his throat when his voice cracked.

"You haven't eaten anything since you came home. Baby, I don't want you to get sick." Jay's voice trembled.

That was enough for Louis to fully wake up and at least sit up on the bed. His mother shouldn't cry at all, much less for someone like him, someone who deserved what had happened to him. He rested his head against his mother's middle and wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." Louis said, tightening his hold on her.

"We're going to get help, darling. And you're going to be okay." Jay kissed Louis' head.

"I saw him, mom. I saw him." Louis started crying. "I saw his baby. She's so beautiful, mom."

Jay didn't know what to say, so she wrapped her arms around him and let him cry until Louis didn't have anymore tears to shed.

"Come on, up you go. You're gonna take a shower and then you're gonna come down and eat dinner with us. The kids have been wanting to see you. They missed their brother so much." Jay said, letting go of Louis when he did.

She already had clean clothes for him in the bathroom when he walked into the room. It was different now. The Finding Nemo shower curtain was long gone, having being replaced by a white one after his mom had redecorated the bathroom. He took his time in the shower, feeling somehow better after he had taken the pills. When he was done, he brushed his teeth and his hair then went back into his bedroom to put away his dirty clothes and grab a pair of shoes.

He made his way downstairs where he could smell the lasagna and could make out his mom and Dan talking in hushed voices. Dan was grabbing plates from one of the cabinets and his mother was taking the food out of the oven.

"Hi." Louis greeted them.

"Hey, Lou." Dan gave him a smile. "Just in time for dinner."

"Where's the rest?" Louis asked, looking around for his six siblings. He should have known they weren't home when it was too quiet.

"Lottie and Fiz took them out to the park." Jay said as she grabbed a knife to start cutting the lasagna in smaller parts.

"Oh." Louis looked down at his feet. "Can I help?" He slowly asked.

"Yes you can!" Jay gave him a bright smile. "Could you please get the cups?"

Louis nodded and went straight to the cabinet. It took him two trips to get them all on the dining room table, and when he was done, he helped his mother with the lasagna. It was like going back in time, back when things were easy. Back to when he had everything. Now things had changed, and he wasn't the same.

He took a seat at the table as soon as he had washed his hands and waited for everybody to get there. He could see his mom trying to call his sisters, making him furrow his brow and bite on his bottom lip with worry when they wouldn't answer. Just as he was about to get up and head out to look for them, they walked through the door.

The house quickly filled with noise when his siblings were talking at the same time, and Ernest and Doris were crying. Louis was quick to open up his arms and hold his three year old sister when she reached for him as soon as she saw him. Louis hugged her close and closed his eyes as he kissed the top of her head. She was a bit sweaty but Louis didn't care at all.

"What happened?" Dan asked, trying to get his son to stop crying.

"Same thing." Lottie rolled her eyes. "They didn't want to come home and then we saw Harry picking up Alex and they didn't want to come inside."

"They haven't seen her in days." Jay shook her head. "Go wash your hands."

Instead of doing as told by their mother, they all went to hug Louis and tell him how much they had missed him. All of them were happy to know that he would be staying home for a long time, already had planned all the many things they were going to do.

Ernest insisted on sitting next to Louis, getting his way when Louis couldn't deny him anything. He loved to spoil his siblings, always giving them gifts whenever they would go visit him. Louis mostly stayed quiet and instead listened to their siblings stories, looking up every time one of them would mention Harry and his daughter.

He wished he had the courage to walk up to Harry and apologize for all the things he had done to him. He needed him to know he regretted everything, but sometimes some past wounds were better left untouched. Louis was done hurting the boy who had given him everything, and he had hurt in return.

When dinner was over, he helped his mother clean up the kitchen and after that, he went back to his bedroom and locked himself in there. He spent the rest of the day writing his thoughts down on his journal. When he couldn't think of anything else, he went back and started reading his old entries.

Almost all of the pages were filled with words that reflected his pain, and the pain he had caused. He didn't think there would ever be a day where he would stop feeling guilty. After all, he had brought everything on himself. He closed it and looked out the window and at the dark sky, remembering how Harry and him used to go out to the roof and look at the stars as they shared small kisses and gentle touches. He wanted to do it by himself, but he went to bed instead.

After that night where he once again cried himself to sleep, his next days home were filled with spending time with his family. He had started driving his siblings to school, would take them to their extracurricular activities and would watch them so his mother and Dan could have time for themselves. It was going great. He had gotten a bottle of whiskey when his mother was gone, and would only drink a few times every day before bed. Louis was okay. For the first time in a long time, Louis was starting to feel okay again. As okay as he was going to feel.

He didn't feel the pressure to be perfect anymore, he didn't have to life a fake life anymore.

He hadn't seen Harry or any of his family members when he avoided them like the plague and never got out of the house when they were outside. He couldn't face them at all, he was too ashamed. He always told himself they were better off not seeing him at all. They had their own lives now, lives that Louis was not part of anymore by choice.

A friday evening, after two weeks of being home, he was supposed to pick up Lottie from school but didn't dare come out when he could see Anne and her granddaughter through the window. Anne was planting a few flowers while Robin played with their granddaughter. His phone kept going off with messages from Lottie, but Louis ignored them and instead watched Harry's daughter. He knew he had to when Lottie started calling him until he answered.

"I'm on my way, Lottie." He finally answered, watching the way Robin would hold the baby's hands as she walked around with his help. It was clear she was going to start walking on her own one of these days.

Louis looked away in shame, wondering what it would have been like if he had stayed, if Harry's baby was his baby too. He grabbed his wallet and keys, took a deep breath and headed out the front door. He went straight to his car and got in before Anne could stop him, not that he thought she would. She probably didn't want to talk to him after everything he had done to her son.

He had a new bottle of whiskey in a paper bag in the trunk of his car when he finally picked Lottie up. She seemed annoyed, Louis knew she was annoyed but he didn't care at all. He drove home, his throat feeling like it was about to close up when Anne, Robin and their granddaughter were still outside. He got out of the car and went to the trunk to get the bottle, hiding it inside a backpack he had in there with all his old journals full of lyrics and secrets.

"Hi, Mrs Anne!" Lottie waved at the woman, going to her when Anne waved at her.

They started talking as Louis closed the trunk of his car, trying to hold on to his backpack.

"Hello, Louis." Anne greeted him with a smile on her face and open arms.

"Hello." Louis didn't understand, but for some reason he went to her anyway.

As soon as he was close enough, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. Her hugs were just like he remembered them, tight, warm and comforting. Louis closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her, hiding his face on the crook of her neck, feeling her rubbing his back.

"How are you, love?" Anne pulled back, seeing Louis' watery blue eyes. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

"I'm doing okay." Louis said, then cleared his throat. "How are you? How's Gemma? Harry?" Louis dared himself to ask. "Hi, Robin." He looked at the man holding a squirmy baby in his arms.

"Hi, Louis." Robin said, making his way to them. When he was there, he hugged Louis, allowing Louis to get a better look at Harry's daughter. She was a gorgeous little girl. He wanted to hold her.

"They're doing great, love." Anne answered him, noticing the way Louis kept looking at Alex.

"She looks like Harry." Louis finally told them, reaching out to hold her little hand in his bigger one.

"She does." Anne proudly said.

Both looked away and towards the Deakin-Tomlinson's driveway when Jay parked right next to Louis' car. She quickly got out along with the rest of her children. The front yard quickly filled with noise when they were talking and the younger set of twins insisted on Robin letting Alex down so they could play with her. She had started giggling as soon as Ernest and Doris were giving her all their attention. It made Louis smile to see them so happy, enough for him to get closer to her. He squatted down and helped her stand up as Anne and his mother talked.

Louis gave her a warm and big smile when the baby looked at him and gave him the most precious smile he had ever seen as she reached to touch his cheek. His eyes started burning and his vision clouded with tears, looking away when he felt them about to roll down his cheeks. He was able to wipe them away before anyone could see him.

"Aren't you just adorable." Louis told her, holding her tighter when her legs wobbled and almost fell down. "Careful, love." He chuckled, feeling nothing but happiness instead of the pain whenever he would see a child.

"Dada." She smiled, showing him her two little front teeth.

"Yeah? Where is he? Where's dada?" Louis asked her as he picked her up and got up with her in his arms.

"She knows Harry will be here to pick her up soon." Anne told him with a smile on her face, not knowing how nervous Louis was getting at the thought of being close to Harry again.

And it felt like Alex had summoned him when a car turned into their street and slowly slowed down until it fully stopped in front of Anne's house. Louis was quick to give Alexandra back to Anne, but it was too late when Harry had already seen him holding her. He didn't know if Harry even wanted him that close to his daughter, Louis didn't know anything at all and it scared him to think he had screwed up. He had lived the past few years knowing that screwing up had no place in his life again. He couldn't screw up again.

He took a step back and was about to run into the house as Harry got closer to them. He wanted to go inside and hide in his room when Anne wrapped her arm around him and he couldn't leave. He couldn't be rude to her.

"Harry!" Anne smiled at him. "How was your day, love?"

"It was good." Harry finally stopped in front of them.

Louis was looking down at his shoes, unable to look up, but curiosity was stronger than that. When he looked up, he almost took a step back when he found Harry looking at him. His green eyes were the greenest he had ever seen them, and his gaze was strong, making him sweat.

"Hi, Louis. Its nice to see you again." Harry told him, surprising Louis at the greeting.

He thought Harry wouldn't talk to him at all, scolding himself when he knew Harry wasn't like that. Harry was one of the nicest and most pure person Louis had ever met.

"Hi." Louis smiled at him, watching him grabbing his daughter.

"It was nice seeing you again." Harry said, then looked at his mother. "We're gonna go now. Say bye to nana and papa." Harry told his daughter.

Louis' heart ached. He was tired of it aching for even the smallest things. He deserved everything that had happened and was happening to him.

Anne let go of Louis, said goodbye to him and walked inside her house with Harry and Robin after her, leaving Louis staring at them. He snapped out of it and quickly went inside his own house and into his own room. He stayed there until Fiz was calling him down for dinner. He tried to interact with them as much as he could, finding it easy when his siblings were hilarious. After that. He took a shower and was getting ready to go to bed way earlier than usual, checking his phone as he did so. He furrowed his brow when he noticed the many missed calls and texts he had.

All from Chad.

He took a deep breath and opened his texts, furrowing his brow when all of them were of the man telling him to call him back. Louis deleted them and plugged in his phone to charge. He didn't need him nor wanted that man in his life again. He got in his bed and turned off the light, noticing that he hadn't had any alcoholic drink that day. He had just closed his eyes when his phone went off again. He picked it up and felt himself getting dizzy when he saw Chad's name on the screen.

Louis knew he should have deleted his number, but after everything that had happened, he had completely forgotten. He declined the call, and not three seconds later, his phone was ringing again. It kept going like that until he decided to answer him. When he did, he didn't say anything, waiting for the man to say something first.

"Why weren't you answering my calls, Louis." Chad said.

Louis took a deep breath before he began speaking. "I don't have to answer them. I don't want to talk to you." He said.

"Have you had the baby?" Chad asked instead, ignoring what Louis had said. "What is it? Do we have a son or a daughter?"

Louis closed his eyes, hating him when he could hear the excitement in his voice. He didn't understand what Chad was doing at all.

"That's none of your business." Louis said, unable to tell him the truth. Chad didn't deserve to know.

"It is my child too. It is my business." The man said, his voice getting louder.

"It stopped being your business the moment you chose your career over us." Louis spat.

"Just like you chose yours over that little boyfriend you had? Harry, was it? I still remember you shouting his name when I fucked you that one time." Chad laughed. "You were so fucked up. Tell me, Lou, how much coke did you snort that one time?"

"I didn't– you know I never took that." Louis held the phone tighter in his hand.

"You still shouted his name." Chad accused him. "Did you know that pissed me off? I thought you liked me. It's been years and you still can't get over that nobody when he probably already moved on, when he's probably happy without a shallow, selfish piece of shit like you."

"Shut up." Louis said through his tears.

"But I forgive you, I already forgave you. You can come back to LA and things will be different now. It will just be us and our baby." Chad told him, expecting Louis to say yes. Expecting him to pack up his things and his life and move back to that forsaken city.

"There's no baby, now stop calling." Louis said before he hung up.

He put his phone under his pillow and then covered his face with his hands, letting the angry tears roll down his face. His sobs were silent when he didn't dare make a noise, when he wanted to be alone and didn't need anybody knocking on his door. He took deep breaths as he tried to calm down, but nothing was working so he just cried until he ran out of tears.

He fell asleep and woke up at five in the morning to his phone vibrating under his pillow. The skin of his face itched because of the dry tear tracks and he was thirsty. He sat up and looked around his dark bedroom, then finally got up to go downstairs to the kitchen for a water bottle. He grabbed two and was quick to go back to the safety of his bedroom where he set them down on his nightstand before he grabbed his phone. He let out a tired and frustrated sigh when he saw it was a message from Chad.

Did you abort it? I always knew you were a selfish piece of shit. You deserve everything bad that happened and is happening to you. Go fuck yourself.

Louis dropped his phone and slowly backed away from it as tears rolled down his cheeks. He couldn't focus, and his vision was blurry when he hit the wall with his back. He slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor, then brought his knees close to his chest and hugged them. He wanted Chad out of his life, he didn't want him to think he would ever have the heart to do something like that. For his own good, he needed to set things straight. He grabbed his phone to call him, but put it back where it was when he decided against it. There was nothing left to say.

Instead, he got in his bed and laid down. He stared at the ceiling, his throat and skin itching for a drink.he sat up and reached for the bottle of whiskey he had hidden in one of the drawers on his nightstand. He drank without crying, that was a first. He swore that would be the last time, he had lost count on how many times he had said that. Louis closed his eyes and drank until his throat was burning, then opened his eyes and looked around his bedroom.

He still had all those old band posters, still had the birthday and christmas cards Harry had made for him. They were safe in his drawer, in an envelope with 'Louis' written on the front on Harry's handwriting. He closed the half empty bottle and grabbed the envelope. He started going through them again, smiling at how adorable and romantic Harry was.

He started crying when he saw one where Harry had promised him to be his forever, had promised him to be the one he would marry one day. The one he would have children with. Louis clearly remembered having promised him the same, but he had broken it without thinking twice. Chad was right, he really was a selfish piece of shit. He was finally admitting it, and he was done being that.

He sat up when he needed fresh air, then got up and headed towards the dormer window with the bottle in his hand. He opened the window and looked at the roof, placing the bottle on the side of the window. He climbed out of his room and into the roof, almost slipping when he tried to grab the bottle to climb to the other side of the roof. He managed to hold on to the window frame, and once he was steady, he grabbed the bottle and made his way to that part where he and Harry used to lie down and watch the stars.

He stayed there until the sun was rising and he could hear his mother calling his name. She sounded scared and it made Louis want to cry as he made his way back to the window. He almost slipped a few times, ignoring the almost empty bottle, not even bothering to take it back in with him. When he was finally outside of his bedroom, he tripped on his way in and landed on his front where he hurt his nose, hearing his mom screaming his name.

"I'm alright." Louis pushed her hands away when she tried to help him up.

"Have you been drinking again?" Jay made him get up, ignoring Louis' protests to leave him alone. "Answer me!"

"I– I need it." Louis shrugged, trying to go back to bed and sleep. He noticed his phone in his mother's hand and tried to take it away, but Jay was faster when she pulled her hand back.

"I told you I don't want any type of alcohol in this house, and you promised me you weren't going to drink anymore." Jay started tearing up.

"It was just one!" Louis raised his voice, his eyes filling with tears when he saw his mother crying for him. He didn't deserve any of her tears. "It was just one."

"You said that last time." Jay told him, then held out her hand. "Give me your car keys. If you can't stop then you're not allowed to go out."

"Oh god, I'm not some sixteen year old! You can't tell me what to do!" Louis shouted.

"You're under my roof, you follow my rules!" Jay shouted back. "Now give me the keys."

"I'm not giving you anything." Louis spat, then turned around and walked out of the room, trying to walk faster when he saw his mother following him.

He almost tripped a few times going down the stairs, but he held onto the railing and when he was steady and wasn't so dizzy, he kept walking. He walked past the kitchen where Dan was cooking breakfast, seeing him staring at him as he stumbled his way to the front door. He rolled his eyes when he heard Dan now going after him too. He wasn't even that drunk!

"Lou, where are you going?" Dan asked, trying to stop him, but Louis only shook his hand off of him.

"To a hotel, then back to LA." Louis said, already making his way to his car.

"Louis...baby." Jay tried to stop him, but Louis kept walking until he was standing right next to his car.

"I'll– I'll come get my stuff later." Louis tried not to cry when his mother grabbed his arm to try and bring him back into the house as she sobbed.

"No, y– you can't leave us again. Sweetheart, you were doing so good here." Jay placed her hands on his cheeks. "What happened, love?"

"I don't belong here anymore, mom." Louis' eyes filled with tears. Both Jay and Louis unaware of Harry and Anne watching them from their porch, after having heard their screams.

"You know that's not true. This is your home. This is where you grew up, where you spent your childhood. You'll always belong here, darling." She wrapped her arms around Louis, hearing him start to cry as he whispered that he didn't.

Louis wrapped his arms around his mother and hugged her tight, hating to hear her cry, hating to be the cause of it.

"I can't be here. I– I feel like I'm suffocating, I can't be in there without thinking about everything I threw away. I can't be here where it's full of babies when I'm never going to hold the one I lost. I don't want to be here, at least not now." Louis sobbed, not caring who heard him. He was tired of keeping secrets, of saying he was okay when he wasn't.

"Please, mom. Please understand me." He begged her.

"I'm not letting you go back to LA." Jay narrowed her teary eyes. "I read that man's texts and you're not going back there. He's only going to make things worse."

"I never said I was going back to him. I just want to be alone." Louis said, taking his keys as soon as his mother got distracted, but his mother was fast to take them back again.

Louis made eye contact with Harry, seeing the pity in his eyes, something he didn't want nor deserved. He felt like the world was closing up on him, and he couldn't breathe. He needed to get away from there, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He stook a step back, turned around and ran. He ignored Jay's screams, begging him to come back. He didn't care that he wasn't wearing any shoes, he only had to get away from there.

He felt a hand wrap around his arm, looking back to see Dan's angry face staring at him. Louis started screaming when Dan started dragging him back home, then kicking when the man picked him up as if he was a rag doll. They were on the driveway when Louis accidentally scratched his stepfather's face who let him down then touched his bloody cheek. Louis let out another sob before he took off again, this time feeling a pair of strong arms wrapping around his waist. It was as if he had finally lost it, unable to calm down and freaking out if someone so much touched him.

"Calm down!" Harry shouted right by his ear.

Louis didn't listen and continued trying to get away, until Harry turned him around and slapped him. It didn't hurt, but the action was fast to schock Louis back into reality. He held his cheek with the palm of his hand, and his eyes filled with tears that quickly rolled down his cheeks. The action itself hurt him, but he knew he deserved it. He was left speechless, seeing Harry standing in front of him with shock and guilt written all over his face. Louis knew he shouldn't feel that way

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." Louis told him before he walked away and back into the house, seeing his and Harry's whole family as well as some neighbors looking at them.

He made it all the way to his bedroom, closing the door once he was inside then laid down on his bed. It wasn't long before he heard a knock on his door, ignoring it when he thought it was his mother. He pulled the covers away from him when he heard someone clearing his throat,knowing right away who it was. He wanted to look away when he saw him standing by his door, his expression still one of guilt, making Louis want to tell him he shouldn't feel like that.

"I– I'm sorry I hit you. I–"

"It was necessary." Louis told him as he sat up.

"You're not okay." Harry told him, surprising Louis. "It's the first time I see you in person and I thought it would be different, but you're not okay. You– You're not the old Louis." Harry told him, looking around the room then at Louis when the latter spoke up.

"People change. You're not the same either." Louis said, clearing his throat after.

"Life hasn't been fair to me." Harry told him, furrowing his brow when he heard Louis' sniffles.

"I'm so so sorry, Harry. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I broke all my promises." Louis cried, unable to think of any other way to apologize when he just wanted Harry to know how truly sorry he was.

Harry didn't say anything, and the room filled with an awkward silence. It didn't last long when Harry slowly walked up to Louis and took a seat next to him on the bed. Louis looked up at him with eyes full of tears, breaking Harry's heart at the sight of him. Harry had always been right when he looked into those sad eyes, he had never held a grudge against him.

"I– I thought everything was going to be perfect. I let my selfishness win, I didn't think about you or anyone else in order to get what I wanted. It took all those stunts, all those lies, losing my baby, everything for me to realize how messed up it all was, but by then I was neck deep in it. It took all of that for me to realize how disgusting I am." Louis said, as he grabbed a pillow to put over his lap. "I understand if you never forgive me, I don't expect it."

"You really hurt me." Harry swallowed thickly, willing the lump in his throat to go away. "But believe it or not, I forgave you a long time ago, when I moved on. There's no use on holding a grudge, hating someone for what they did to you. That's not how I want to live the rest of my life."

"You did?" Louis asked.

"I did." Harry assured him. "And I know I'm not– I shouldn't tell you what to do, but I think you should stay here with your family. At least until you're better."

"Did she send you up to convince me?" Louis asked.

"No. She's downstairs worried about you, but I came here on my own. To tell you what I just told you." Harry told him, then hesitated before he grabbed Louis' hand and held it. "You're a strong man, Louis. I know you can move forward. It will never erase everything that happened, but I can assure you it will be better."

Louis looked at him, then looked down at their hands thinking that maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to get help.

Thoughts?