Guys, a quick note before you start this chapter. I don't want to spoil this chapter but i have to warn you. There's a trigger warning for a miscarriage. Please don't read if its going to trigger you. 

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Fame was something Louis had always wanted. He loved music and he loved to watch award shows, wondering if someday he'll get his very own award. He wanted people out there to listen to what he had to offer. He wanted to sing, to pour his heart out into a song in front of millions of people. He thought fame was everything and that it was going to be what he had always dreamed of. That of course was before he made it, before he got into the industry after being told No so many times. He never imagined that soon he would learn just how cruel it was.

He had trusted the wrong people, and after signing what seemed like thousands of contracts, there was no going back for him.

Now laying down on his childhood bed six years later, he thought back to how it all had started. It had all started exactly like he thought he would. At the end of the day he would always go to bed with a smile on his face. And when more and more people started liking his music and his fame started growing, he had been the happiest.

Lightning illuminated his bedroom at the same time he turned over on his side, cradling his empty belly. He looked up at the clock on his bedside table, that same one he had had ever since he was fifteen years old, and looked away when he saw a picture of him and Harry. He didn't know it would still be there, and looking at it just made him realize how stupid he had been. He had picked his dream over Harry, and it was something he would always regret. But one thing he had learned, there was no point of regretting things when he couldn't go back in time, he could only move forward.

He regretted listening to his PR team when they told him a boyfriend would only hold him back, that in the industry, a single artist did better. It had been the hardest thing to do, but after thinking it through, his then eighteen year old selfish self thought it was for the best. He would always say it had broken his heart to break Harry's until he had understood that the only heart that had been broken was Harry's. He wanted to call him for months after that, but in the end he had decided it was best not to hurt him more than he had already done.

But hearing people tell him he was so lucky, talented and that he was going to make it big was enough to keep him going. He had been nothing but selfish when he decided to fully focus on his career and never ask about him to his mother. His mother would always mention him, but it was rare when Louis always changed the topic. Now he knows he should have called him.

It wasn't long before the PR stunts started and Louis was left confused. He had always thought one made it to where they were due to their hard work and the fans, not fake relationships and fake scandals. His first PR boyfriend had been a famous actor who had been nothing but nice to him, but that didn't take away the fact that he was lying to his fans. He was told that in order to succeed in the industry, he was going to have to make some sacrifices.

That came with sometimes not getting days off at all, and not being able to see his family in months when his first ever tour started. But to Louis, seeing his parents so proud of him and being able to give them a good life, was enough for him to keep going. The stunts were tolerable for now.

His PR stunts continued and so did his scandals, but Louis had everything he could ever ask for. When he finally made it to Madison Square Garden, it had been one of his proudest moments, but after that was over it all seem to crumble down around him.

Louis stared at the ceiling as he remembered no matter how hard he tried to do his best and succeed on his own, there was always a stunt waiting for him. He lost count of how many clubs he had to go and promote. He lost count of how many men he had been linked to, sometimes getting called a slut when he wasn't like that. The only time he had genuinely liked someone, had been five years later since he had left Doncaster, but it had ended in disaster when he realized he wasn't with him because he loved him. Fame came at a price, and people only wanted what little promo they could get out of Louis.

The only good thing that had come out of it was that he could help his family out and the many charities he supported. The many organizations he and his mom helped around the country. It always brought a smile to his face and it made him happy to know he was doing something good after all the bad things he had done.

He tried to get some sleep but it was impossible with the storm outside. He kicked the covers away and sat up; he wanted a drink.

There was nothing else he wanted more than some sort of alcoholic drink burning its path down his throat. That was something else he had done wrong the past six years when he had started drinking more than usual, all in attempts to ease it up a little. All he had wanted and still did was something to help him deal with the bullshit that was his life on a daily basis.

Of course he would never stop being thankful to his fans who had stuck with him through thick and thin. The ones who could always see through the bullshit surrounding him and always tried to make it better for him. The ones who had supported him when he finally made the decision of quitting. The spotlight wasn't for him anymore. He had finally had enough when his own team couldn't even respect a life. They hadn't let him mourn his child's death in peace when two days after, he was already out stunting again.

Louis was never one for relationships after he had broken up with Harry. Hooking up with someone was rare for him when he preferred to be alone, until he came along. A twenty year old singer looking for the same thing Louis had done five years before; fame. The plan was just like the many others. Use him so another person could get that shot at fame. A new PR relationship was born.

Chad quickly became more than a PR relationship for Louis when they started sleeping together after a night out. They both had been completely wasted, yet continued doing it until Chad wasn't just a fuck anymore. He quickly became more for Louis, someone the blue eyed man adored. Someone who Louis now had a relationship with. He wasn't in love, but he really liked him.

His unplanned pregnancy had come out of nowhere, in the middle of a PR stunt to which Louis was sure it was more than that for both parties involved. Despite his busy life and career, the bullshit surrounding him, Louis knew he wanted to keep and raise his child. He wanted a family with Chad and their baby. But five years later, Louis' mistake finally caught up to him. He finally felt the pain of being left behind, of that someone picking fame over him and his child.

Two months into the pregnancy didn't stop him from moving on after his very public and nasty break up. He had his parents full support and was financially stable to have a baby. He had given up the alcohol as soon as he had found out he was pregnant and things finally started looking up for him. Sometimes his throat would burn and his skin would itch when he wanted a drink, but knowing it was harmful for his baby was enough to keep him completely away from it.

He still had to work like always, never getting a break until the stress was too much for him. He barely had time to eat, much less rest during those months. Louis knew that for them, money was more important than his and his baby's health. He had to keep his pregnancy hidden as long as he could. He had to work and get things done as fast as he could before he started showing, then he would be able to go home and rest like he had negotiated with them.

The night it happened, he was supposed to already be in bed in order to wake up early for an interview. Going back to that night, Louis wiped his tears away knowing he should have known the signs. His mother was a midwife for god's sake. But knowing them wouldn't have been able to stop it. He should have known that when he went to bed that night, he was in the early stages of a miscarriage.

He had had back pain, but that was normal for him when he had it daily. Then it came the abdominal pain until he was severely cramping and he could no longer get up. He had stayed curled up in that bed, crying from the pain until it was all over. All in the span of three and a half hours. Louis had counted them. That night, Louis Tomlinson had finally broken down completely.

It seemed like hours had passed before he was finally able to get up and clean up what was left. He had spent a long time in the shower sobbing until the water was too cold and his mother was desperately knocking on his door. When he opened the door, it wasn't long before he was crying again, letting his mom hold him. The ride to the hospital had been unnecessary when there was nothing left to do. He had been sent home that same night with painkillers and an aching heart.

It was still too painful for him whenever he remembered. It boiled his blood when he had been forced to stunt again two days later when he had spent those two days in bed and refusing to eat. They had promised him it would be his last when the contract was almost over. And when it was, Louis decided to quit and go home. It had caused a scandal, but he didn't care when he just wanted to go home. And now that he was, the pain was stronger than ever.

His eyes filled with tears as he dug his fingernails into the skin of his stomach. Right by his belly button where a life was supposed to be getting ready to be born. He was supposed to have a month left then he would be holding his child, a child that was no more. He filled his broken heart with alcohol until he couldn't hold it down anymore. He filled his need to have a child with baby pictures from the internet. And it was all so wrong.

He wiped his tears away when he had already cried enough of them. When the storm finally let up, Louis fell asleep in his childhood bedroom after many years.

He was up by seven that morning, when he had been desperately looking for at least a drop of alcohol. There was nothing in his mother's house. He went back to his bedroom and changed into jeans and a sweater, then grabbed his keys and wallet. His mother had let him stay with the condition that he wasn't going to bring any alcoholic drink into the house, but Louis needed something to help him soothe the pain. Painkillers weren't enough anymore. Louis needed them and more alcohol, maybe mixing them up would help erase his pain.

He sneaked out of the house into the garage and opened the door to go to his car he had left parked outside. When he walked out he looked up and stopped in his tracks when he saw them. He knew Harry had moved on and that he had a child. The day he found out he had cried, but he had felt so much better now that he knew Harry was happy. Now he knew the tragedy that had happened, and he wanted to come see Harry but hadn't done so when his mother told him it wasn't a good idea.

He watched him give the small baby to his mother before he took her back and hugged her tight. Louis felt an ache on his chest when he was never going to get to hold his own child as tight as Harry was holding his own now. He startled when Harry finally looked up and made eye contact with him, even though Louis' eyes went back to the child. She was the most beautiful baby Louis had ever seen.

Harry was fast to get in his car and drive away while Anne gave Louis a smile and went inside with the baby. Louis could hear her babbling to her grandmother all the way to the front door before Anne went inside. After many years of people telling Louis he was the lucky one, he now wondered who really was the lucky one.

Louis got in his car and drove away to the nearest liquor store. An hour and a half later he was back in his bedroom with a bottle of whiskey in his hold. He was laying on the floor right next to his bed cradling the almost empty bottle like a baby as he cried. He cried for having being so stupid, for wanting to be famous. He cried for having being so stupid and leave Harry the way he had done. He cried for his baby. He cried when he realized he had nothing good in life. He cried harder when his mother walked in and took the bottle away before laying down on the floor with him to hold him like a baby. Just like Louis would have loved to hold his baby.

After many years of people telling Louis he was the lucky one, he now knew he never was and would never be. 

Thoughts? :)