Mugilan

°~°

Broke rule no.3 * No therapy out of therapy session/centre*

It's her sixth session and I can't believe I already broke three rules ,which I created for some valid reason. Rules are created to maintain discipline in my profession and here I'm breaking one after one like it doesn't matter. It does but not more than her.

She was feeling suffocated inside those four walls, and sometimes dealing with these things with more meticulousness is much needed. The situation could have gone worse if i didn't bring her out for a fresh breath of air.

Isn't making the client feel comfortable to have them open up to me, a part of my profession ? In that case the three rules I broke till now are purely out of professionalism, nothing else.

You keep saying that to yourself!

Not wanting to be a part of the conversation that goes in my head, I shift my gaze towards Shakthi, who stood facing the city with her hands wrapped around each other as her eyes never left the city view.

After making a Not-so-like-me statement of 'let's go out' i had no idea on where to take her since it's my first time blurting out something without a second thought, so i had no other choice but to take her on the terrace of my therapy centre which is mostly uninhabited.

I've been on this terrace for a few times now since I happened to need a lot of space for myself to clear my mind after such mental peace wrecking cases. I have to get that all out of my mind before I head home, back to my normal life.

Though I never thought this spot could be useful in such an emergency situation like the one I'm dealing with right now. All thanks to my presence of mind.

Glancing around, I waited for her to become normal again, so that we could continue the session. As the chirping of birds stole my attention for a few seconds, reminding me about the passing time, I looked down at my wrist watch. It's 4:15 PM, the birds are returning to their respective homes, while the sun is also withdrawing slowly from the top. The sound of constant running vehicles and honkings seemed to disappear in the slow melody of passing breeze.

There's one positive thing about this situation now, At least i can feel less lementable about my rule breakings, though i'm still on the therapy centre building which means i've only broken the half rule, the remaining half is safe as long as i don't take this further by making another stupid decision of hanging out with her.

Nevermind, it doesn't justify my act of being ready to break the rules already.

Ughhh. I groaned in the back of my throat to clear my mind before I spoke to break the silence between us " how're you feeling now ?"

She nodes gently " i'm okay " her voice came as soft as the wave of fresh breeze.

I felt relieved as I exhaled while leaning on the parapet wall not caring about my white tailored trouser and pastel shirt.

She is feeling okay now, at least one of many problems is solved.

Do you think so ? shut up.

" So,you were something about not being fine ?" I carefully put my words not wanting to make her feel pressured. Considering her condition, i've to be cautious about treating her since she is almost on the edge of giving up on herself.

One wrong move or a word, she will not come back from where she got lost.

Her gaze didn't move from wherever she had been staring for a long moment when she took a deep breath as if she was preparing herself for something she wasn't ready for yet. And then she suddenly turns her head towards my direction, meeting my eyes.

I felt my chest tightening as if someone had gripped my heart tight between their palms. It's an oddly strange feeling to describe, so I left it on its own to focus on more important things like, Her.

It was after a moment of silence when she finally spoke.

" I want to be free......free from whatever is holding me back from being happy...... The memories.....The pain.....Him....." her nostril flared, as she gulped hard making her difficulty to utter those words obvious.

" everytime i think i'm moving one step ahead, i get a tight slap of reality that how much of myself i left behind while walking into a darkness of lies that i've been telling myself, reminders of memories grips my throat strangling me with guilt, loneliness and this weird pain in my chest that i could physically feel......and it never goes away..." her voice cracks, she looks away in an attempt to hide her glossy eyes from me.

" i want to lead a normal life...., i want to laugh wholeheartedly, i want to be happy , i want to.....be loved..." she paused to regain her breath and continued " i want to be Happy "

My heart throbs because of the way she put those words out, it didn't feel like she was just sharing her thoughts with me, she is literally wishing for her part of happiness which she never got in the first place. The yearning of wanting to experience joy, wanting to be loved, cared and the desperacy to heal..... is so evident on her face, in her eyes.

" We all have happiness inside us, sometimes we just need someone to help us discover it  " her head snapped towards me as soon as i said that.

She faked a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

shakthi shook her head " the thing is, what I deserve doesn't happen at all. "

" Than try making it happen "

" Huh ? "

I stood straight stepping away from the parapet wall as i lift my chin up " take responsibility shakthi, responsibility of making yourself happy......make good things happen to you"

Her brows pulled together in confusion.

" Instead of waiting for things to happen on it's own, try making them happen.....sometimes things may not happen on its own and it's our responsibility to step in and make it happen because no one else will do it for us " running my fingers through my hair i turned around facing the open sky and a busy city.

" And what if I can't .... ?" came her instant question.

My lips curved gently into a slight smile knowing about how she already thinks that she can't, without even trying the first step yet. " You can, only if you have the strong will to heal......to put in the work to move on.....and to find the peace within...otherwise no amount of therapists can help you........because something like this should come within you......not because a therapist like me said it''

" The only thing or person stopping you is You " I added earning a nod from her.

She needs to start living her life first, shuting herself from the world won't help her healing. She needs to go out, meet people, make new memories to replace old memories, put in effort and do whatever it takes to feel happy. Good things won't come to her if she keeps running away from her life. From the truth.

I can understand what she is going through right now, she desperately wants to pass this phase of her life and wants to be able to smile that reaches her eyes, she wants to laugh without feeling guilty about it, she wants to live her days fully instead of barely surviving them. Nevertheless all these are only possible when she puts in the work for it.

" but.....what if anything goes wrong again ? " her voice raspy and filled with a desperate need of wanting to be free from the affliction.

" What if everything goes right this time ? "

" And what if you end up being what exactly you had wished ? " I added further

Heald,loved,cared and happy.

She falls silent, and I give her enough time to replay my words in her head so that she can grasp the depth of it..

My eyes moved and dropped on the lock of her hair strands falling on her right side due to the sharp blow of air. For some reason, I felt as if the time slowed down while she took her time to tuck those strands behind her ear. In the process of tucking her hair her fingers slightly touched the earring she was wearing and it started moving back and forth in a rhythm while she took her hand away.

She looks heavenly made, with the golden glow of the sun in her background surrounding her like a halo. Highlighting the warm tone of her hair and the sharp outline of her slender neck. Her skin rediating against the black fabric she wore, The solid straight black kurti is seeking call attention to her curves,

Stop right there.

Snapping out of it I immediately looked away regaining my senses, I hope she didn't catch me staring at her.

As a few minutes passed, she turned towards me, making me meet her eyes again. " Any suggestions on how I can do that ?" she asks, pressing her lips together.

There goes her first step towards seeing the light.

" how about starting from developing a hobby "

******

After every tiring day , Driving back home always feels like a heavy task since I know that my home is empty as always without that one person , who's supposed to make me feel at home.

Home isn't just the house but a person and I gave up finding that person a long time ago. Because no matter how hard I tried it just didn't work with anyone and after that I had to make peace with the fact that until I let go of Her memories , it would never work with anyone else.

So I stopped trying.

Because letting go off her memories means erasing the last vestige of her existence.

Clearly why I'm still holding her memories within me.

The sudden car horns blaring pulled me out of my thoughts as i looked around and realised that i've caused a roadblock after halting my car roadside to get my tonight's saviour,

The 15 year old Glenlivet Single Malt scotch whiskey, which is my survivor to pass this night after having such a tough day at work.

Tough, because today I noticed something shifting within me during Shakthi's session. Even though it was just for a moment yet it's wrong in so many ways. I can't take it lightly thinking it was just for a moment, because no one else knows what a millisecond of misfocus can do to life better than me who's living in the consequences of it.

Exhaling a long sigh, my fingers clutched tight on the steering wheel stopping my thoughts from going anywhere near the wound that has left uncured for years. Cure is for people who want to heal and release themselves from the constant pain but unlike me who is willingly gripping to the pain instead of circumventing a solution.

Because, pain makes me feel alive.

Another long sigh and I was back to the topic of Shakthi and My worst moment in my whole career of Therapist.

How can i just be thinking anything remotely related with lust and attraction when she was celebrating her yearning for The emotional well-being during the session.

Probably because it's been years since you got laid.

Maybe.

But it never happened before, with anyone.

and today was exceptional, so is Shakthi.

Shakthi's striking resemblance with her. I've avoided thinking about this from the day one I met Shakthi but today when my own mind ditched my morals and work ethics and got carried away the moment I realised that avoiding isn't enough, I need a much stronger reason to keep her away from messing with my mind.

Shakthi is my clinte, I'm her therapist. Any further thought more than this can complicate things for me and her too.

Better to leave it this way.

Snapping my head beside me i smiled at my tonight's hero shining in green bottle wrapped in brown eco friendly paper bag, sitting on the passenger seat, just as I placed it a few minutes ago.

Accelerating the engine with a beaming face I took off with a anticipation grin on my face.

Tonight is mine.

*****

I stepped out of my car, the weight of a long emotionally tiring day hanging heavy on my shoulders. My anticipation for a peaceful evening at home had been building up since I left the office, but it seems reality had other plans. As I walked towards my apartment building, my mind was already crafting an evening of solitude- something spicy and crispy on the stove filling my kitchen with aroma, a soothing melody of Raja sir in the background as I took slow sips of whiskey.

It was only when i reached the ground floor and saw someone whom i can't entertain today, i'd realised that till the time i'm surrounded by peoples who are litearl form of 'i'm not gonna let you live a peaceful day' around me, i won't be able to have any peaceful evening.

I guess, tonight is going to be anyone else's but mine.

As fate had a different script waiting for me, That script began with the sight of Meghana waiting for the lift when she looked around and caught sight of me before she waved her hand at me, all excited.

Seriously!

Both husband and wife have decided to ruin my 'me time' back to back.

Can't catch a break, can I?

I stood there, a mix of surprise and annoyance on my face. "What brings you here?" I blurted out, my tiredness and irritation getting the better of me. It wasn't the friendliest greeting, but my exhaustion didn't leave room for polite exchanges.

She completely disregarded my question and asked, "Is he here?"

"His phone's unreachable, and his apartment's locked too," she added.

The lift arrived at the ground floor with its customary 'Ting,' and we both stepped in.

"Maybe," I replied, pressing the fourth-floor button before the doors closed.

"What do you mean by 'maybe'?" Her confusion knitted her eyebrows together.

" Well he said he lost his apartment keys somewhere last night and would leave if he gets any spare keys " I repeated the exact words said by him this morning before I left. He must have lost them in the bar when he was too busy getting wasted.

"Oh," she said, standing beside me and gently caressing her small baby bump, which momentarily softened my expression.

" Why are you looking for him though ? '' After what she did to him and what he did to my weekend plans, I'm curious to know why she is here now. Because I can't let these two crackheads spoil my tonight's plan too.

"None of your business," she retorted curtly, prompting me to snap back, " it is my fucking business since i'm the one who would be collecting him from the bar after you leave "

She rolled her eyes and pushed back her hair. "Need to have a word with him"

"Are you sure? No murder plans? Just talking? " I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

She shot me a murderous glare before her eyes fell on the bag I was holding. "Ahaan, expensive stuff, huh?" She wiggled her eyebrows, reaching for the bag.

Shifting the bag to my other hand, I held it away from her. I couldn't let anyone because even a minor inconvenience to my Saviour tonight's Saviour.

"I need this expensive stuff to tolerate your untolerable husband...since i can't divorce him like you. " I quipped, knowing I'm risking my nose.

"Think about me, tolerating him for years without the influence of alcohol," she responded casually, crossing her arms while leaning back on the left's cold metal surface.

"You had to, considering all those times you bragged about relationships and marriage to me," I retorted, hitting a nerve that left her silent for the whole thirty seconds before the lift stopped on the fourth floor and we both stepped out.

She walked ahead, proceeding to remove her shoes, while I couldn't stop myself from glancing at the locked door of Shakthi's apartment. Seems like she isn't home yet.

Why isn't she home yet ?

Why do you even care?

Right, I shouldn't.

As soon as I unlocked the door and pushed it open, a wave of relief washed over me.

"I'm home, honey," I exclaimed dramatically, stepping inside with Meghana following silently.

"Welcome home, Asshole," came his sweet greeting from the kitchen.

I sighed and glanced at Meghana, who seemed to be scanning the room, presumably looking for her target of the imminent showdown.

Looking around, I sighed again. The house was in disarray.

I released a tiring sigh glancing at Meghana, whose eyes scanned the whole place, searching for the victim of the crime she is about to commit. Taking in the chaotic scene, I sighed again-chips packets scattered on the couch, a loud boxing match blaring on the TV, a used towel on the table, and popcorn debris near my beloved bonsai banyan tree plant. Apparently, he had gotten drunk again and tried feeding popcorn to my plant,against my strict warning of not to mess with it.

"Such a tidy house you've got," she commented,placing her bag on the couch and making her way to the kitchen. I decided to let her deal with him, placing tonight's saviour bag on the dining table. Annoyingly, I picked up the towel, cleaned the chips from the couch, and finally sat down.

Lowering the TV volume, I grabbed a water bottle, feeling increasingly agitated by the sorry state of my house. My frustration grew knowing that these two are capable of making it even more worse is unsettling.

Gulping down the water, I wondered why one of them hadn't emerged from the kitchen yet. Just then, Hari's high-pitched scream pierced the air, and I stood up to witness Meghana chasing him with a rolling pin.

There goes my peace and quiet.

"Tell her to stay away!" Hari sought refuge behind me, attempting to dodge her swings.

"Stop jumping around in this condition. It's not safe for the child. And for God's sake, put the weapon down," Hari huffed between dodges, using me as a shield.

"Then don't run away. Stand still and take the hit," she growled, trying to land a hit while Hari moved left and right.

And there I stood between the two, questioning my life decisions.

"Both of you, stop it right now!" I yelled, but my words fell on deaf ears as they continued fighting.

"Stop, or get the hell out of my house!" My patience was wearing thin.

But once again, my words were ignored.

Hari slipped away and positioned himself on one side of the dining table, while Meghana approached from the other. Both looked unsteady, their eyes and feet displaying a chaotic scene of desperation.

I exhaled and turned to leave for my room to freshen up, thinking that they might stop if they realise no one is around to referee. However, I halted in my tracks at the sound of a loud crash followed by immediate silence.

Wait... could it be?

No, it shouldn't be.

I turned back, hoping against hope that it wasn't what I feared. But it was.

My heart sank as I looked down. There, lying in a pool of whiskey, my dear The 15-year-old Glenlivet Single Malt Scotch whiskey. Its glass skin lay shattered into pieces around it. It wasn't just the bottle that broke; my last hope for a peaceful night shattered too.

I covered my mouth in disbelief, staring at the frozen figures of both of them.

"She did it."

"He did it."

They pointed fingers at each other in unison.

What did I do to deserve a best friend and a sister like these two? Simply existing in this world isn't enough to suffer ? That God sent these two into my life?

Rubbing my face in helplessness, I glared at them for a few moments. "Just because I seem good like a responsible citizen doesn't mean i can't kill peoples "

"Come on, Machan, chill. I'll buy you another one," Hari offered, his voice softening.

"Yeah, and I'll pay you double the price," Meghana chimed in.

"Shut up! Just shut up! You two are the worst combination anyone could have in their life," I roared, expressing my anguish over my shattered hope for a peaceful night.

They exchanged apologetic looks.

"Are you two out of your minds?" I asked, stepping carefully around the broken glass. I snatched the rolling pin from Meghana, demanding an explanation for her behaviour lately.

"And you," I turned to Hari, clenching my jaw. "What did you do now ? why is she behind your dear life ?"

"Other than the fact that I love her and don't want her to divorce me...i did nothing " he replied, getting closer.

"Here, look at this," Meghana said, handing me her phone after unlocking it. Hari moved closer to me, earning a stern look from her.

His eyes followed mine as I scrolled through the phone screen. Suddenly, I couldn't resist smacking his head hard, prompting a pained hiss from him.

"You messed it up."

"How bad, on a scale of ten?" he asked immediately, rubbing the back of his head.

"A hundred."

His eyes widened as he snatched the phone from me. The screen displayed 203 messages, 145 missed calls, and 89 emails he had sent her after getting drunk last night.

The messages ranged from 'Come back Meghana, I love you, I can't live without you, please forgive me,' to 'You're not the only woman in this world, so if not you, I'll find another one, a better one for sure. I don't love you, I hate you, don't ever come back in my life. You're the worst mistake I've ever made. I hope soon you lose all your hair and become a bald woman, and I could laugh at you. Nee enna di enna divorce pandradhu... eppo... endha nodi... naane unna divorce pandre... paniten. Poi thozha. (Who are you to divorce me, right? At this moment, I am divorcing you. I did it. Go to hell.)'

" fuck my life " he cursed.

I guess you successfully did that man.

He muttered curses under his breath, swiping the sweat off his forehead as he read the message he had sent her. I could tell he was pretty high on alcohol when he typed those texts. The expression on his face was one of pure terror, as if he couldn't believe what he just did.

"Oops... someone just handed Meghana another strong reason for divorce," I couldn't help but ponder the potential impact of those messages on expediting the end of their marriage.

"How insensitive of you to joke about someone's life that's already falling apart," he snapped, tense and furious.

Raising an eyebrow, I shot him a questioning look. "Why pick on me now?"

"Because you let this happen while I was too drunk to realise what I was doing," he retorted, deflecting blame.

When I left him on the couch last night, I hadn't anticipated he'd worsen their marriage more than it already was.

"Yeah, next time, remind me to tie your legs and hands together to prevent you from creating a mess," I retorted.

His retort was cut short as both of us turned towards Meghana, hearing her sniffles.

"So, I'm your worst mistake?" she sobbed.

There goes her pregnancy hormones.

"I... I can explain," he stammered, seeking help with his gaze.

"You can start with 'I was drunk...'" I suggested, but he didn't catch on. Instead, he rushed to sit beside her, grasping her hand, attempting to console her.

Her crying intensified.

I hesitated, wanting to comfort her but refraining to give him the chance to convince her. Perhaps they could talk things out, and she might reconsider the divorce.

I retreated to the kitchen, relieved that he hadn't set it on fire. Considering his cooking skills, I had been worried.

Grabbing two beer bottles from the fridge, I also took a jumbo pack of chips, thankful that I'd restocked them recently. Exiting the kitchen, I found him still trying to convince her, doing push-ups near her legs. She remained seated on the couch, seemingly unperturbed. He was literally falling at her feet to persuade her. Good for him.

"Good luck with that, mate," I quipped as I walked past him.

"Don't forget to clean up that mess too," I pointed at the broken whiskey bottle and its shattered pieces strewn across the floor.

He didn't respond, but I was certain he'd heard me. I stepped out, locking the main door behind me. Gazing at the empty hallway for a moment, I headed for the lift, resolved to spend the night away from my own apartment, giving the troubled couple some space and privacy to sort their issues.

Moments later, I found myself standing in the entrance of the terrace.

Fortunately, there were no lights tonight as the bulbs had blown but what matters more is that no one is here except me. A relief, to say the least.

The terrace is usually lively with pairs leisurely strolling. Yet tonight, it's almost a blessing after the exhausting day I've had-there's no one in sight, offering me a moment of solitude.

The open terrace sits dimly lit, illuminated faintly by the distant glow from surrounding buildings. Clotheslines crisscross the space, laden with laundry, claiming most of the area. With care, I walked through the hanging clothes to reach my usual spot, gently shifting the clothes aside as I made my way.

It was past nine, and I couldn't believe I was spending the night with beer and chips on the terrace.

Sipping my drink, I gazed at the open night sky and the moving world around me. The serenity of the night eased the unsettling feeling within me. As I munched on chips and took sips of beer, I leaned back against the parapet wall, feeling the cool breeze against my skin, reminiscent of someone who used to feel like this fresh breath of air.

It's been over a decade and I still remember how she made me feel when I met her for the first time. And sometimes i wonder if i hate the recollections of memories about how i used to feel around her because now when she isn't around me, i feel empty without those very feelings in me.

It wasn't because no one else could make me feel the way she did, but because no one else could be what she was to me.

The light of my soul.

And for a few years that light has been absent from my life. Not that I really need it anyway.

My mind, however, keeps circling back to that precarious moment during my session with Shakthi.

Despite my best efforts to avoid dwelling on it, the mere seconds of losing my composure around her left me grappling with a significant question mark. How did I let it happen? More importantly, why did it happen? I've never experienced such a moment of vulnerability with any of my clients before. Today's episode was unsettling, something I can't afford to repeat if I want to keep myself away from a mess.

Is it because of the uncanny resemblance Shakthi shares with her?

Probably yes why would I keep thinking about her otherwise.

There can't be any other reason for that, there should not be.

Concealing the emptied beer bottle behind the water tank, I cracked open another one, taking a hefty gulp as I stared at the sky. Being a therapist I know it isn't the best way to deal with things. But I'm many things other than just a therapist and being a normal human being comes first so Sometimes i deal with things like a normal person would as it's easier to hold onto her memory than dissect my emotions, trying to figure out how to escape this ache. Accepting the ache,I've chosen to keep her within my thoughts, for as long as those memories endure.

As drowsiness weighed down my eyelids, I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes momentarily. Time slipped away, and before I realised it, sleep claimed me.

******

It felt as though I had drifted into an elusive dream, one whose memories slipped away the moment I was roused by faint sounds. The chirping of birds gradually grew louder, drawing me from the depths of slumber to confront the piercing brightness of the morning sun. My neck ached from the uncomfortable position I slept in, and my bleary vision struggled against the glaring yellowish light that flooded my sight. The sky appeared harshly radiant, forcing me to squint against its brilliance. With a loud yawn, I rubbed my eyes, attempting to shake off the remnants of sleep. That's when I heard a familiar voice.

Startled, I opened my eyes to witness a heavenly sight unfolding before me. Shakthi stood across from me leaving a decent distance. her hair wrapped in a towel, tilting her head as she balanced a phone between her shoulder and ear. Her hands were deftly pinning clothes to the line to dry in the morning sunlight. Seems like she didn't notice me yet. The gentle morning breeze carried the sound of her bangles tinkling as they brushed against each other.

I found myself mesmerised by her radiant presence, her beauty captivating my gaze. It wasn't just about her outward appearance; it was something deeper, an internal grace. As she continued her conversation, deftly moving the clothesline while tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, had a certain allure. I hadn't paid attention to what she was wearing until she leisurely adjusted her saree, a vibrant dark pink against her brown skin.

As my gaze followed her my attention fixated on her waist as she adjusted her saree, and before I could focus too intently, a surge of alarm jolted through me, reminding me of the boundaries I shouldn't cross.

Get a hold on yourself man!

Mentally reprimanding myself, I straightened up, My sudden movement caught her eye, and she looked at me with surprise. Our gazes met, and I found myself drawn into the warmth of her brown eyes, recalling how it feels to be comforted through eyes.

I never realised that solace could be found in someone's eyes until this very moment.