Mugilan

                              }•{

Fuck!!!

I shouldn’t have done that.

What’s the point of spending three  years doing degree, two years in masters and extra two years for M.pill before i practised in  clinic under supervisor for another year and got my RCI license only to spend whole five years being known as a Respective  and well known psychotherapist in whole Chennai and yet i fucking can’t behave like one. 

Being a psychotherapist is something I enjoy and life for but these days my profession  isn’t very helpful to me when all I do is sit on a chair, stare at the wall and regret doing and saying  things which I should have not.

For example,  breaking my own rule for a client.

Today i broke the first rule of mine
* No crossing boundaries *

Shakthi.

This woman, everytime i look at her she literally sucks the breath out of my lungs and I wonder if she knows what her mere presence  does to me. I’ve never allowed myself to be governed by someone else until the moment I met her.

Her eyes, I still relive the moment inside my head when the first time I looked into her eyes and never wanted to look away after that.

And it was also the moment i realised that i’m gonna put myself into fucked up situation very soon nevertheless didn’t expected it to happen this soon.

It’s just a month, hardly five sessions , three hours and seventy five minutes spent breathing the same air as hers and yet I'm already having trouble controlling the urge of crossing all my  professional limits for her.

Why did I not control my freaking mouth before saying the damn details of the vacant flat and asking her if she would be okay with being my neighbour ? like what the fuck got into me ? I could have kept my mouth shut and my nose in my business but no, I chose to do something that I never did before for any of my clients.

I crossed a line and acted out of my profession which I never did before in the seven years of my being a  psychotherapist.

I should have remained silence when she almost walked out of the office room in hurry but no, i had to stand up all tensed up and stop her from leaving only  to embrace myself further more by throwing the vacant flat information with a  ‘ you will be my neighbour if you choose to accept my favour so be aware ’ kind of disclaimer at the end only to get  a  straight ass big “  NO, thanks “ from her before she disappeared from my sight.

And i’ve been staring at the same space from the moment she left, embarrassaed and too fucked up to figure out why all of sudden i thought of having her as my neighbour would be good. Don’t I know the causes of spending fifty minutes in a week with her in every session ? how can I keep a check on myself that I don't do any blender and embarrass myself in front of her ? how her words, her eyes, her tears and voice constantly plays in my head on loop mode snatching my peaceful sleep ? How I have to fight the unwelcoming feelings I didn't feel in the last few years makes my heart thump against my chest every time she walks inside my office for  the session. All this was already too much for me to figure out and handle and now I decided to put myself into a more disordered situation by welcoming her to my neighbourhood where I would be going through all these things more often compared to now  and yet how could I think of her being my neighbour would be good ?

Ummm….No……It’s a bad idea.

In the past one month i tried many time to slip away from this feelings, i tried to ignore the flummoxing thoughts that never stops chasing me in her presence, at a point i almost succeed but when she sits in front of me and looks at me taking my breath away and making me timorous for the next few seconds i end up losing the battle with the uncertain yet similar feelings that i didn’t felt in long time.

Damn, again  I'm thinking too much about her.

Focus ......focus…..she is just a client…and I'm her therapist……..

Breathing calmly yet slowly I ran my fingers through my hairs while checking the time. It’s 2:05PM, lunchtime and after that I've three more appointments  with my other clintes.

Hopefully I'll be busy for a few hours, and fully occupied with different cases to study before the appointments.

Hope she finds a place for her soon.

Fuck my life, that’s not what i wanted to think about.

******

After two days,

“ Anna rendu tea…...chakkar thukkala……(bro two tea…..with extra sugar )” I said while pulling the wooden chair back at T Nagar Tea spot to settle myself in it.

“ Thanni kammiya (with less water )“ added Harish, earning an instant glare from me as he sat opposite me tapping his fingers on the table between us.

The ambiance of this Tea shop isn’t any special, but what’s special here is the authentic taste of tea and our connection with this tea spot. The place is a bit gloomy and  unappealing, the ceiling fans spinning slower that customers look up at it in sheer anonymity of the sweaty environment while wiping their sweat off using a kerchief. The tables are so small and rusty that only two people can accommodate themselves in the chair opposite to each other. TNear the bill counter there is a transparent glass shelf displaying the different types of snacks like banana bajji, ulundu vadai and samosa and sweet bun which seems almost dry now.

Looking around I sighed,  It’s Saturday evening and I thought I'll be chilling at home doing nothing but enjoying my weekend after a whole week of hectic schedule that didn’t allow me to even take a nap.

I was all ready to go home and have my peaceful sleep after being done with the very last appointment of the  day and that’s when a Harish, a human form of stress and irritation walked into my office shattering my plans for the evening.

The urge of strangling him with my own hands when he asked me if i have any plans for evening and before i could even reply he grabbed the car keys from hands and said “ No right, let’s go….i’ve something to talk you about “

The moment he said that he wanted to talk to me regarding something I knew what that important matter could be, that’s why I wanted to kick him out of my office even though it’s been a month since we met as he is quite busy trying to get his life on track.

I had no energy left in me to deal with him hence i decided to keep calm and get inside the car. After twenty minutes of driving he halted the car near a parking lot as we got down and walked in the street of T nagar only to settle ourselves in our usual tea spot.

We have been coming here since our college days though the shop wasn’t well established before. When we came here for the first time, it was just a small local tea shop without any chairs and tables. But slowly it grew bigger and now The owner has two more branches of this tea spot. 

I still remember how I and Harish would gang up and spend most of the time here by planning to start our own tea & coffee shop right opposite to this tea shop, putting the owner in the dilemma of having to compete with us if we really did what we were planning.

And like the shop owner wished and prayed for, I and Harish chose two different paths for our career forgetting our plans of opening a tea & coffee shop right in front of this shop.

“ How have you been ? “ he asked, dropping the keys on the table as he freed both of his hands to stretch his arms comfortably.

Looking at the thick round bangs under his eyes and the pale dull dark skin of his face i mocked “ can surely say better than you “ 

He chuckled “ hmm, i’m not getting enough sleep these days “

“ can see “ i node

Harish wasn't a heart throb for many girls in college but he was surely a guy with a good sense of humour along with  being pretty fit and fine to lure a few eyes of admiration on him. Though him being funny regardless of the situation helped him to easily impress girls to date. Nevertheless none of his college relationships worked for him until he met Meghna during his masters.

His phone beeped, gaining both of our  attention as he pulled out the phone from his pocket and placed it on the table after checking the notification.

“ Did Amma call ?” he asked again, taking out a white kerchief from his pants pocket to wipe the sweat off from his forehead.

“ she did in the morning “ I replied dryly, knowing what his next question is going to be.

Humming in low tone he was looking around, preparing himself to shoot his next question for which we both already knew the answer.

In the meanwhile our order of tea arrived and we both took our own  glasses of tea effervesced till the rim of the glass. Blowing slightly into the tea we tested the hot heavenly testing tea with small yet quick sips causing the  slurping sounds to get merged with the background noise of other customers.

As i noticed him placing the half tea glass in front and wrapping his both arms with each other looking at me intentionally “ when are you planning to get married ?” As I expected, he asked this question for the nth time during the past four months or since the day I turned thirty.

Leaning back on the chair I placed the glass on the table before I looked up at him and smiled with all the evilness he evoked in me now “ when is the next hearing for your divorce ?”

“Phhsss “ he got offended, i could clearly see it in his face.

His divorce case is a sensitive topic for him, and yet I'm not going to play nice if he keeps irritating me with the marriage topic.

“ That’s so rude “ unwrapping his arms he pointed his index finger at my face.

“ i know “

Running his finger through his hair he exhaled “ Then stop bringing my divorce topic  in middle of any conversation “

“ i will , if you stop behaving like male version of my Amma “ i took a few more sips of tea ignoring his glare.

“ Then what do you expect me to do ? Amma  has been asking me constantly about your marriage plans….how can i tell her that forget about marriage…..her son is not even thinking about dating anyone soon  “ he was pissed, of course he should be after how my amma had been persuading him to convince me for marriage as she thinks i’m already thirty  and ageing too. All her concern is about getting me married before I lose my youthness.

“ No but you should tell her how you decided to get married in the right age with the love of your life and yet getting divorce just after three years of being married to each other “ another salty remark on his already wounded heart, i know it’s too much but he should really learn to keep his tongue inside his mouth when it’s about marriage.

“ Not again man .....why are you peeking on me ? “ he scowled before gulping the last few drops of the tea left in the glass.

He’s right, he’s just doing what Amma asked him to do but yet he should have known that I'm not someone whom he can manipulate easily. He’s my best friend not Amma’s, so as my friend he should have dropped the marriage topic on the first mockery itself rather than carrying it to the point where I feel the need of landing a few punches on his freshly shaved jaw.

“ Amma is worried that you’re thirty and don’t want to marry anyone yet “ he spoke with a subtle expression that could convince anyone but me.

“ Thirty and unmarried is better than married and unhappy “ I countered back gads string the waiter for the bill.

“ Not every married couple is unhappy Mugil “ he tried his best to sound thoughtful with his voice toned down and his eyes fixed on me with seriousness.

Nodding calmly I retorted with a plaster face smile  “ Right, look at yourself……married the woman you claimed to love for forever and now trying your best to convince her to stop proceeding with the divorce….how cute couple you both are….”

“ you…..uh….you’re so fucking mean…..…. “ stomping  his fist on the table in front He clenched his jaw while shooting daggers at me through his eyes.

“ drop the act Harish “

Arching his eyebrows challengingly at me “ so you won’t give up ? “ he asked while unbuttoning his shirt sleeves and rolled it till his forearms revealing the results of spending three hours every morning in the gym.

“ Nope '' I replied without a second thought and rested my back on the chair casually.

He glared at me for a few more minutes before grabbing his phone from the table and said “ you heard that Amma ?”

I wasn’t shocked to know that all these while my mom was on call hearing us arguing or hearing me roasting him back to back but that’s not the point here. The point is all these while he was trying to convince me for marriage and thank god i didn’t even leave a slight gap for even a tiny hope that could leave amma into many  conclusions of me getting married any sooner.

“ you heard right  how much i tried to convince him and yet he won’t agree…so just let him be for few days….things will happen if it means to be “ Harish glanced at me while explaining to my amma who probably agreed to what he said as he node and hung  up the without going on more deeper explanation of why i don’t want to get married.

“ drop me back in your clinic…..my car is parked there….” he said while we both got up to leave after paying the bill.

This time I drove the car while he sat in the passenger seat typing something on his phone.

“ explain “ I said while having my all focus on the road.

“ Amma has been eating my head saying that i’m the one who’s motivating you to stay single therefore i decided to let her know that it’s not me…but your own choice of staying single “ he explained while still typing something on his phone as i constantly heard the notification sounds of his phone.

I didn’t say anything for a moment, glancing at him I saw he was typing a long paragraph in chat which led me to the conclusion of who it could be.

His wife.

“ you know hari, amma isn’t wrong though “ i said  with a hint of teasing.

He stopped typing and glowered at me “ you think it’s fun  to mock me at every chance you get ?”

I snickered “ No…..it’s fucking entertaining “

Passing a doleful look at me he shook his head before mumbling “ it’s all fun and entertaining until it’s about the woman you love da“

The dejection in his voice silenced my next counters as I stayed mum and focused on driving for the next few minutes because the dullness of his words reminded me about someone.

Someone that I used to be.

******

“ Lala lala lala la “

“ oh oh oh oh “

“Mmmmmmmm“

“ Hare Ra Ra Ra Ra “

Humming along with the song playing in the Retro Radio vintage series, I chopped the onions to cook Milagu Sadam for dinner. Since i live alone in this two bed adequate apartment i don’t really need a maid or cook hence it’s mostly me who cooks for me and i pretty much enjoy the cooking time because that’s the only peaceful ‘me time’ i ever get after spending worn out day with Harish who supposed to be minding his own business on a freaking weekend instead of trying to lure me in marriage trap.

Well even the thought of marriage is making me feel stressed now. Raising the volume of Radio placed on kitchen island I let myself sink in with the melodic waves of music hitting my ear through the classic black Retro radio which is also known as National Radio.

I’ve this strange attraction for vintage stuff that I can't stop buying and using even if it’s 2018 when the world is literally carrying everything in one gadget- Phone.

I don’t know if it’s because I feel that vintage gadgets like Radio, Nokia mobile, Casio watch and 35mm film camera have a character of their own, all these gadgets are just objects and yet they have a soul in them that these days easily accessible bluetooth devices don't have. Whenever I touch the Radio, I get a glimpse of millions of small moments of my childhood days within a second which hardly any phone features can make me feel.

Though maintaining these vintage things is an uphill battle, nevertheless to feel the soul of art and life through this old yet classic gizmo I can take on those onerous tasks to maintain them.

“Ulla lala lala lala la “

“ Wella oh oh oh oh “

Continuing the humming of the song I chopped the onions glancing at the pan to know if the oil was hot enough to add mustard seeds.

“ Nenjam Mmmmmm “

“ Penne Hare Ra Ra Ra Ra “

And just when i was about to add the mustard seeds i heard my phone ringing breaking my connection with the moment filled with peace, soul and music. Turning around I looked at the screen of the phone that was lying beside the Radio.

Unknown number ? I immediately lowered the Radio volume.

“ Hello “ I said as soon as I answered the phone and placed it between my ear and shoulder to balance it while I resumed chopping the last piece of onion.

“ Hello I’m Shakthi “

“ AAHHHHH  “ I yelled out due to the sharp pain as i accidently cut my index finger while chopping because of the sudden consternation of hearing her voice on the other side of the call.

How did she get my personal number ? oh wait i was the one who the other day gave my personal number to her incase of any emergency like…..panic attack?

Broke rule number two of mine
* No exchange of personal contact information*

“ What happened ? Are you okay ? “  Her concernful voice made my  heart race.

Controle Mugil.

Damn her voice sounds even more good in call.

Pull yourself together Mughil, I heard a voice in my head as I took a moment to suck the blood oozing out from my finger.

“ ummm….Nothing ...i just hit my toe finger against the table corner “ that was the most common and quick cover up i could think of at this moment.

She paused and asked if I was okay and I assured her that it’s no serious injuries even though I had to take a quick run to my room to fetch a bandage.

“ oh......i’m sorry .....i shouldn't have disturbed you at odd hours…..”

“ It's okay, you can tell me the reason for calling me now “ glancing at the watch I asked her as she never called before for anything and now getting her call all of sudden makes me wonder why.

“ umm ...i actually wanted to ask that…..if “ she stammered, and hesitation was evident in her tone.

Adding all the ingredients and onions in the hot pan  I Glanced at the phone screen as i spoke “ you don’t have to hesitate…just say it “

“ actually… i was thinking if you could talk to your friend about the vacant flat …..i don’t mind sharing the neighbourhood with you “

But i do, sharing the neighbourhood with you means installing a heart detector in my soul which i can’t afford. I wanted to say it out loud but considering her innocence in this matter I stayed mum.

“ umm…yeah sure….i’ll talk to him……but shakthi “

“ haan “

“ i can’t give you any assurity about the flat now since it’s been two days i told you about it and just this morning a old couple came to see the flat for ranting “ i dragged the end word for her to loose her hopes on this flat as i have made my mind to keep my self in check while treating her.

If I let her in my neighbourhood then avoiding her would be even more tough and I don't want to deal with any extra unknown feelings. It took a whole day for me to make myself understand why I should not cross any more rules of mine for her. It’s simple, she is just a client like all the previous and current clients of mine. She is no special for me to break my rules and then spend a day regretting it.

She is my patient and I'm her therapist, nothing more nothing less.

I know i did a mistake by initiating a hand of help to her by saying about vacant flat in my apartment but it happend in the heat of moment when i was out of my fucking mind. But now when I think of it, it seems so wrong for me and my profession.

Therefore I've decided to lie and let her continue searching for a place which shouldn’t be anywhere around mine.

She should be far away from me, out of my range, out of my thoughts and out of my sight.

That’s the only way I can save myself and my love for being a Psychotherapist.

“ ohh ... .okay “ her dejected reply made me question myself if what i’m doing is right ?

Fuck right or wrong, i just  can’t let her anywhere near me for more than one hour.

She can surely find a place for herself  if not……..why should i even care ?

It’s not my responsibility to help her in finding a shelter for her. As her therapist all I'm responsible for is to help my clients open up ,  understand and manage their emotions and mental health challenges.

“ Thanks for trying……..good night “ the dullness in her voice caused some disappointment in me that made me feel restless.

“ good night “ with that i hung up.

Leaving a long sigh as my hands rested on my waist I gazed at the pan which had turned black and smoke coming out of it.

Shit! I totally forgot about it.

Guess what…..i’m having pizza for dinner.

*******

“ WHATTTT …..THE FUCKK  ? "I gasped after plucking the  toothbrush out of my mouth looking at my horrific face in the bathroom mirror.

“ how can you already agree without even running a background check on your renters ? Nope, as a neighbour of your flat I can't allow that…..it’s about my safety as well……”

Safety my foot, I'm just too surprised and shocked to know that Arun's flat is almost taken by some newly married couples who had came a week ago to see the flat and I was so unaware of this until Arun told me a moment ago.

“ Just tell them that you’ve changed your mind......or just say something like apartments rules has changed...now we don't allow any newly married couples here since they're so loud at night and it creates disturbance for other flatmates  “ I know I'm putting dumb words together that makes no sense anyway since it Arun I guess even the most dumbest thing will work too.

" I'm not allowing any unknown propels as my neighbours.  " I'm not this agressive and anti friendliness usually but right now I want that flat vacant.

" And if you still planning to proceed further with them then be ready to listen to their complaints about how I dumped all the garbage in front of their door steps..... Opps.... Accidentally " Rasping loudly I waited for his answer.

“ C’mon man……don’t think too much……call them and be polite while letting them know that the flat is already taken by someone else. Don't forget to thank them for being nice to you.  “ spitting out the foam harshly i stared in mirror at the dark bangs under my eyes caused by No-Sleep-LastNight.

"What do you mean by where will you find another renters?..…I already have someone in my mind "

Rinsing my mouth with one hand I held the phone in the other hand while saying “ Look, There’s someone  who wants to see your flat. Perhaps if she liked it she may rent it for sure “

“Her name is Shakthi “ flipping my half wet hair up. I looked in the mirror, noticing a small glint in the corner of my lips as I smiled.

************************************

A/N

Do comments !!!