Unrequited love. A feeling that sucks. Sucks. Sucks...

Loved a person, like no one else, but that feeling isn't reciprocated. That person left you hanging, with your questions and your answers. You needed closure, you needed affirmations, you wanted accompany. You got none. That's UNREQUITED LOVE.

The more I think about it, intoxication and alcohol seems a viable relapse to me. But I was never on it, how can I relapse? She always hated those who did drugs and stuff, and let out a sigh of relief knowing that I didn't. But as this distance between us is increasing and I am getting closer to myself, I see alcohol as a best escape. I was confident and I am confident that I won't reveal this love for her and keep it in my heart, buried, love her forever but who am I to say that unreciprocated love doesn't hurt, because it fucking does and, in a magnitude, only those who are going through can imagine. She will remain my love but...she won't remain mine! I am familiar with this confusion because this is about the only thing I get every time I fall in love. I can't even cry anymore about it because I can't. it will make me stronger on the outside but I am sure it will wreck me into a million tsunamis from the inside. She doesn't love me the way I do but I have come to terms with it, right? What else can I do? I have been making amends with myself for the pain and suffering I put myself through, knowing how this attraction would end. Knowing how I never get what I want and...I have come to realize: LOVE IS SUICIDE. But the feeling is mutual, love wants me and I want love. I fantasize death as a destiny, and love knows this truth so its up there...in a disguise. I walk up to it and trying to reach it, trying to embrace it, killing myself a little every time I do it. I did it again today, got to know how love can both be a privilege and a curse and how it can be deceivingly wonderful. I consider loving her a privilege, losing her a consequence of the curse. I don't care for the pain it'll bestow upon me because I have felt pretty much everything by now! What else can I lose? My unrequited love for her is strong, and it will be.

That's what I have felt along these years and this time, I feel more confident about this because I have finally let go of my will to move on and give it another try. This was it; the final blow and I am in pieces. I am shattered. I know where my pieces are because I am free of a restrict, I am floating over it. My cover has been blown; my soul is free from all the emotions. All these years...love kept punching at my cover, to break it. The last punch was today and the surface of my body cracked and shattered. Love saw the real me and I saw the horror it truly is. I was this...disfigured and weakened and afraid version of what I was on the surface, love was an abomination. I thought love was trying to set me free and show its graceful light, all these years I thought that. But every time I felt it almost got to me, it would leave me. But I pushed harder, searched for love again and again in the hopes that I would...be able to embrace it. But I failed. However, today... my cover was blown into pieces and my weakened soul emerged, saw the pieces shattered on the floor and the horror which this love was, standing in front. There was no light full of grace that would heal me, it was scary. Love was scary. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I felt betrayed, felt lost, felt hopeless.

Then I got up, dusted off the remains of my cover, the façade. And decided to live. So, I will live. With this pain, with this agony, with this unrequited love. It is a cursed gift that I have accepted, it is a terminal illness. But I don't have any cover to be broken, love doesn't need me. I don't need love anymore.

The feeling is mutual.