Where did I want to begin?

Did I want to begin at the start? The existence of Rose and Nick's story? Where that all began? How we were innocent love sick puppies unable to keep our paws off one another? How he was my first? How I assumed he'd be my eternal love. And then what? Do I admit to my affair? Let the floodgates open and drown the therapist with all these conflicting emotions stocked up within me. What was the right way to do this?

So many questions were orbiting my mind at that point. I felt nauseous and dazed like someone had just injected my with a drowsy drug. I couldn't even think straight let alone speak.

The therapist cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Let's---let's start with you and your husband. How was it before? I assume from what you've briefly mentioned over the phone call we'd had yesterday that problems are rooted within your marriage? So, just tell me how you're feeling." She readjusted her notepad before smoothing out the small creases forming on her skirt.

I literally felt like I was being suffocated, slowly loosing air. I didn't know if I could do this. My legs reacted first dragging me up to my feet as I hastily dashed towards the door. My hand edged for the door knob ignoring the fact that I was going to leave without my coat.

"Rose!" She called after me. "Please, I know this is hard but it's important you discuss it. I...understand and I can assure you, whatever you say remains confidential between us. This space is sacred," she explained, a degree of plea tucked well within her tone. She was edging off her chair, a sympathetic smile playing on her lips as she beckoned me to return. "You can confide in me, Rose. You have to otherwise it's going to tear you apart and I'd hate to see you break down. I want only the best for my clients," she added with a gentle tone.

I looked to the door knob quietly debating within my mind whether I should go or stay. But before my brain could devise a decision, my feet were pulling me back towards the chair and under observation. Liza, the therapist, smiled warmly as she sat back into her own chair and waited patiently for me to settle.

"I'm...sorry," I muttered, twitching my knees as I refused to look her within the eyes. "I'm...not normally like this. I feel like my rational side is slowly depleting away, like I'm losing myself along with it half the time," I admitted, grateful that she wasn't immediately scribbling down notes as if I were an experiment. There was some comfort in the fact that she was just listening, remaining attentive to every word I said than interrupting me and bombarding me with questions to as to why I was feeling that way.

"I-I'm concerned about my marriage," I confessed and then I found myself revealing further. "And I've cheated...I've cheated on my husband with the man who lives next door. And I don't understand why or—or why I've gone against my morals but I just can't stay away. I feel like I've been replaced, like I'm not me. I love my husband...but not like before. I'm a monster. I can't even fucking make my mind up on who I want." I stopped, my heart beat was thumping fast and my hands were fidgeting in the pits of my lap. I eventually met her eyes wondering what she thought of me. Did she think I was wicked? Would she refuse to give me a session? Would she have nothing to say? I had no idea and that frightened me. My eyes quickly flickered to the wedding frame I had observed earlier, envious that she had that perfect marriage, that faithful marriage I didn't have no more.

"Rose, just breathe for me for a second or two. Can you do that?" she asked, angling her head to the right. I nodded trying my best to settle my nerves as I took two huge sucks in.

"Good." She smiled. "Now, I just want you to relax. Okay? We're going to go through all of this but I just need you to be relaxed and comfortable. And again, this environment we're in, you have nothing to fear. Whatever is said remains here. Okay?"

I nodded, still inhaling and exhaling huge volumes of air feeling some comfort in her words of encouragement.

"Now, from what you've told me, it sounds like you're unhappy in your marriage. When did you start to feel this way? What made you feel disconnected to the marriage? What's your husband like?" She asked, scribbling a couple things down on her pad before resuming with her kind smile towards me.

"I-well, I'm not sure when it exactly started but I...could just tell something wasn't right. I-I—we were teenage sweethearts. He was my first boyfriend, my first sexual relationship and...I thought...things would be forever between us," I explained, looking down into my lap. I felt complete misery settle on my shoulders as I reminisced on the odd old memories fleeting in my mind. "I was so in love back then...it was unreal. Nick...was...well is charming, sweet and loving. He's got not a bad bone in him. He's been supportive non-stop. He believes in me. So...I still ask myself why do I then not feel that connection no more? There must be something wrong with me. But it's been recently that I've felt like I've been in a routine. Sex is...just sex. I don't feel...the spark no more. And it's felt like a missing part of me has gone...just disappeared from existence. And I hate that. I hate that I feel like that," I said, embracing my arms as I dared to look up.

Liza was jotting a few notes down. "So, tell me about the other man. You don't have to explain how it happened. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. But, how does he make you feel? What's different about him to...Nick?" she inquired.

It was so obvious how Shane made me feel. I just didn't think words could express it but there was just so much ease as I explained the burning desires rupturing from inside me. "He's...everything. We're just connected. I like to blame the sex...because the sex is just...I can't even explain it. But he makes me feel alive. I feel like when I'm with him I can imagine us together. I don't think it's just lust. I believe that it's real. Every second I'm with him, I feel like that there's a world only for us. But...I've made empty promises to him...I can't leave Nick. I still care for him." I tucked a strand of hair that had fallen loose from my ponytail behind my ear. That burst of excitement I felt soon died as despair reclaimed its place. "And...now, he doesn't want to see me until I've made up my mind," I added quietly hating the statement leaving my mouth. I wanted to cry.

Liza's pen worked hastily across the pad. I wanted to know what she had to say. What would she say if I told her as well that I had lied to Angie. That seemed more possibly worse that I couldn't help to just straight out admit it. "And, I've lied to my friend. She suspected something but I convinced her spitefully." Closing my mouth immediately and hanging my head in shame as I looked to the floor.

"That must have been difficult to tell, Rose," she replied.

"S—so what can I do?" I begged.

"Rose, your concern with your marriage I cannot confront unless your husband is aware too. Any chances of diving into fixing your marriage can only work with two parties present. But...even then. Rose, it's perfectly transparent to me that you're not happy with your marriage. I think you've grown old of the marriage. Sometimes...we become dependent on others that we are unable to understand ourselves. I feel that you haven't had chance to...explore yourself, understand who you are. This man you've met has stimulated that desire, a desire to explore. I cannot be hundred percent confident in this reflection I've just given you but I'm sure through a series of sessions we can begin to understand why and how we move forward. But...more importantly, what I think is important Rose right now, is that you do need to speak with your husband," she explicated sincerely.

"But I'll...loose him."

"I can only give you my opinion. I can't force you to do anything but remaining in a marriage in which you're not fully committed to is damaging to not only your husband but to yourself. It's a difficult process, Rose. It's not easy. But it's how you start to make amends," she told me, completely making the perfect sense yet the irrational side of me was utterly conflicted still and defence of what I wanted.

"I can't imagine life without him...yet I just don't love him like that," I said.

"Rose, I think it's best if we finish the session here because I'm going to advise you to spend some time to think on how you're going to move forward. And next week, we'll carry on the conversation. I want to understand more but I think it's best we take a break now because I know that must have been frightening and both exhausting to speak about your emotions. Is that okay?" she suggested.

I nodded. "Yes. I think...I need to."

"Good, I'll pencil you in the diary. But...I think you've made some good progress today. Just try and take some time to really think about what you want or what you think is the right thing to do for both yourself and others," she offered.

I nodded once again, thanking her as I stood up and collected my coat.

***

I had been staring at the wall opposite me for at least an hour until Nick's hand had awakened me from my trance. He'd just gotten from work dropping his briefcase on the floor and sliding his suit jacket on the kitchen stool.

"How was your day?" he asked, kissing my cheek after.

My mouth felt as dry as a desert. The time I had spent dazing at the wall felt like I had scrambled my brain like eggs. I just didn't know how to respond. He didn't seem to take my lack of response in suspicion as he carried on chatting away.

"Work was a nightmare today. We had power cuts throughout the day. And then Mike couldn't get in, he's our team leader on the project we're working on and I think I'm gonna get a cold off of Regina cause she's been sneezing all day. It's been bloody hectic. And the traffic just then, horrendous! Did you manage to get some writing done today or have you been out?"

I wet my bottom lip. "I went out for some fresh air. I can't write. I'm fried," I replied, thankful I was able to retain some communication. All I could hear in the back of mind was my therapist advising me to admit the truth. That's what she wanted. I knew that.

"Well, I'm sure you'll get right back into swing," he encouraged as he swept towards the fridge behind me and grabbed a bottle of orange juice out and then took a swig.

"Nick," I muttered.

"Hm."

"Can I be honest."

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