I didn't see what happened underwater but I had a bad feeling about it.

Pag-ahon ni Sid ay mukhang guilty siya.

Nakasimangot tapos parang nakakita ng multo nang makita ako na nakatayo sa gilid ng pool.

Feeling ko may ginawa si Tracy pero hindi ko alam kung ano.

Kutob lang naman ang meron ako.

***

Noong unang beses pa lang na dinala ko si Sid sa Laguna ay iba na agad ang tingin sa kanya ni Tracy.

Akala mo baby na laging nagpapabeautiful eyes kapag kausap niya si Sid.

She was also fully made-up kapag dumarating kami.

Grabe rin ang pabango.

Nakakasulasok dahil parang binuhos niya ang laman ng isang bote sa katawan niya.

Halatang nagpapapansin talaga.

***

Mabait talaga si Sid tsaka hindi siya ang tipo ng tao na malisyosa.

Balewala sa kanya ang mga padila-dila sa labi na ginagawa ni Tracy.

Kapag dinidikitan siya ng pinsan ko ay siya mismo ang naglalagay ng distansiya sa kanilang dalawa.

Ako itong naiinis sa ginagawa ng pinsan ko.

Bukod sa kilala ko siya ay gawain niya talaga ito noon pa.

Kapag may pumupunta dati sa bahay para manligaw sa akin ay nandoon din siya at nakikiusyoso.

***

Ngayon lang sumama si Sid kay Tracy na walang ibang tao sa paligid.

Most of the time ay hindi siya nagpapaiwan mag-isa lalo na kapag si Tracy lang ang kasama niya.

Perhaps she wasn't totally clueless about what my cousin was doing.

Pero sino ba ako para husgahan ang pinsan ko.

I'm the one having sex with my ex-girlfriend.

Mukhang nakakahalata na rin si Brad dahil pagbalik ko galing sa CR ay nagtanong kung bakit ang tagal ko bumalik.

Nang buweltahan ko naman kung gusto niya talagang malaman ay tumanggi tapos diring-diri ang itsura.

Nandoon si Tracy nang mangyari iyon.

Kakaiba ang tingin niya sa akin na parang meron siyang gustong ipahiwatig.

Pero hindi ko siya pinansin.

Ayokong magmukhang guilty lalo na at nandoon si Brad.

***

Noon pa man ay hindi na talaga kami magkasundo.

Mahigpit kasi ako.

Hindi ko sila pinapayagan na maglaro o manood ng TV o di kaya magcellphone hangga't hindi nila natatapos ang assignments nila.

Mas gusto nila si Kevin dahil hinahayaan lang nito na gawin ang gusto nila.

***

"Babe, dinala mo ba ang mga gamit ko?" Naputol ang pagmumuni-muni ko dahil sa tanong ni Brad.

Nasa cabana kaming dalawa at naghahanda ng maligo.

"Buksan mo ang zipper sa gilid ng duffel bag. Diyan ko nilagay." Nayayamot na sagot ko.

"Puwede ikaw na ang kumuha?"

"Brad naman. Nasa tabi mo ang bag. Di mo ba kayang buksan?"

"Ba't ang sungit mo?"

"Kasi para kang bata. May kamay ka naman pero gusto mo ako pa ang gumawa para sa'yo." Hindi ako umalis sa pagkakaupo.

"What's wrong? Kanina lang ang saya-saya mo?" Umupo siya sa tabi ko.

"Wala. Kunin mo na ang gamit mo at maligo ka na."

Tumayo na siya at binuksan ang bag.

"I think I know what can make you smile," Kinindatan niya ako.

Imbes na maentice sa sinabi niya ay lalo lang ako nainis.

"Puwede ba maligo ka na lang?" Sinimangutan ko siya.

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me," He grinned.

I knew what he meant.

That was his way of telling me he wanted to have sex.

It was okay before.

But after what happened last night with Sid, I realized how lackluster my sex life with Brad was.

It was basic.

Monotonous.

He would be on top of me and he'd pump and groan because he was enjoying it.

The first time we did it, I remembered the comics illustration I saw.

It was of a man with an oversized upper body.

He was grinning and so full of himself but his genitalia was covered by a tiny leaf.

I knew it was an exaggeration and the guy was a caricature but when I saw it in real life, it was disappointing.

But I'm not naïve.

I was also aware that it wasn't always about the size.

There were other ways to be satisfied.

The problem was, Brad wasn't thinking of satisfying me as long as he comes.

I don't think he cares about my pleasure as long as he gets it.

I've gotten so convincing about lying about my orgasm.

I hated to admit it but the only time I came was when I thought of Sid.

It was unfair to Brad but I did what I had to do to get that much needed release.

Hindi ko rin naman talaga sila maikukumpara dahil para silang apples and oranges.

Different anatomical parts.

Different personalities.

Different gender.

So, what was the reason why sex with Sid was mind blowing while Brad's was more often a hit and miss?

It was because Sid cares.

Hindi lang sarili niyang kaligayahan ang iniisip niya.

She paid attention to the non-verbal cues.

Matiyaga rin siya.

There were days when I would be so eager to do it but when we're actually doing it, my mind would drift away because I would be stressed or thinking about work.

Sometimes I worried that her arms would fall off because she wouldn't stop until I climaxed.

***

May isang bagay na malimit pumasok sa isip ko lalo na when Brad and I started dating.

It was my weight.

Hindi ako nababother tungkol dito.

That was before I met him.

Hindi ako manhid sa expression ng mga tao kapag nakikita nila kami.

They always had this confused look as if questioning what he was doing with me.

Nang pinakilala niya ako sa mga friends niya na tulad din niya who were into fitness and bodybuilding, kita ko kaagad ang pagtataka sa mga mata nila.

I told Brad about it.

He told me not to pay attention to them.

Ang mahalaga ay kaming dalawa ang nagkakaintindihan.

There was a time when we saw one of his exes at the mall.

Katatapos lang namin magdinner.

Ang babae ang unang nakakita kay Brad at nilapitan niya kami.

Doon ko naintindihan kung bakit ganoon na lang ang reaction ng mga kaibigan ni Brad.

His ex was ripped.

She was mostly angles than curves.

I thought she was going to break my fingers when we shook hands with how firm her grip was.

***

When he asked me out I thought it was too good to be true.

Naisip ko pa nga na baka may pustahan si Brad at ang mga kaibigan niya.

Bukod kasi sa differences sa pangangatawan ay magkaiba rin ang mga personalities namin.

Hindi naman kaagad lumabas ang pagkakaiba pero eventually napansin ko na kung gaano kahaba ang pasensiya ko ay sobrang iksi naman ng sa kanya.

Di nagtagal ay nangyari na rin ang mga bagay na akala ko ay hindi mangyayari.

The first thing he picked on was the contents of my fridge.

Binasa niya ang mga labels tapos nagtanong kung bakit I eat a lot of junk.

Nang sinama ko siya sa bahay ng time na iyon ay may natira na ube cake at opened tub ng salted ice cream.

I defended my choices.

Nakangiti siya para hindi ako lalong magalit.

Ang sabi niya ay gusto niya akong maging healthy.

Tsaka dapat organic churva ang mga kinakain ko at hindi puro processed.

Ang advice pa niya, kung hindi ko mabasa o masabi ang ingredients sa label ay indicator ito na hindi healthy ang kinakain ko.

I didn't talk to him for three days after than incident.

Dinedma ko ang mga texts at tawag niya.

Manigas siya diyan.

I stayed at home and stuffed my face with the tub of salted ice cream.

"Organic mong mukha mo," Sabi ko habang nilalantakan ang ice cream.

***

Noong kami pa ni Sid ay napag-usapan din namin ang magpapayat.

Sinubukan din namin ang mga diet-diet na iyan.

We also tried being vegetarians.

When it didn't work, we took a shot at being pescatarians.

We laughed at that one and even had a joke because we like fish.

I had to remind her that I'm bisexual.

I'm only fifty percent pescatarian.

That was one night that was filled with sex jokes.

It ended with us having sex in the couch.

***

When I think about it now, after breaking up with Sid and being with Brad, it had nothing to do with how I identify or what label I stamp my sexuality.

It had to do with who I'm with and who I love.

Naisip ko rin ang mga expectations na lagi kong naririnig kahit noong bata pa lang ako.

Pati na ang kagustuhan ni Mama na mag-asawa ako at magkaanak.

She was very specific with what she wanted.

Lalake ang pakakasalan ko at dalawa ang magiging anak dahil malungkot kung mag-isa lang.

Dahil ba sa only child ako kaya gusto niya ng dalawa?

Mabuti rin kung dalawa ang maging anak namin ng mapapangasawa ko para kung matanda na ako ay dalawa sila na mag-aalaga sa akin.

My mother had it all planned out.

But I had plans on my own especially when I figured out what I wanted in my life.

It wasn't easy because it was the complete opposite of the life my mother designed for me.

I had to lose the love I wanted for me to find out that it was what was missing in my life.

I've had enough of hiding and pretending.

If there was one thing I learned from this very strange weekend, it was that it was Sid I wanted this whole time.