I keep my distance from Party for the rest of the night. It's not as hard as you would think, seeing as he also keeps to himself. Obviously he doesn't want to make a scene in front of everyone, probably knowing that i need space right now. 

I can't believe i've gone and kissed him. How could i have messed up so badly? My one rule is that i never get close to anyone. And now look at me. I'm standing at the bar, sipping a water so i don't have to talk to anyone, whilst the other killjoys chat to Crash about god knows what. I tuned out a long time ago, to busy drowning in my own thoughts. 

There's also the fact that he kissed me back. He was enjoying it and i know it - he even yelled out after me when i ran away. But now he's standing next to Jet, smiling slightly at something he said and swirling his drink round and round in his glass, not even attempting to drink it. Instead he seems content making a little whirlpool in the bottom of the glass. 

I don't realise i'm staring until he looks up, eyes catching mine for a second. They don't give anything away - it's a completely blank expression that he's currently wearing. Maybe he would have gone on to show some sort of emotion, but i quickly look away to avoid it. 

I place my water down on the bar and tug gently at a few stands of my bright hair, twisting them around my index finger as i watch the others talk. Part of me really wants to go over there and join in with the people that are fast becoming friends to me, but i know better. I've already screwed up enough as it is tonight, i can at least try not to get close to the others aswell. 

"You alright Spark?" Kobra calls over, obviously seeing me staring at the floor. 

"Oh, er, yeah' i shrug in an awkward manner "just ready to go when you guys are i guess" i don't actually want to have to go back with them, but i don't exactly have much choice. Which means i'm going to have to sit in a car with the guy i just kissed and then ran away from whilst trying to act like nothing's wrong. Oh fun. 

"Awh don't get like that now!" Ghoul cried "the night's still young yet! Come on Spark, come dance with us! Party here will take you for a spin!" I can tell he's beyond tipsy, but i don't want to be a complete buzzkill and drag him away when he's having fun. 

I'm about to tell them not to worry, that i'll go wait in the car or the stock room whilst they finish up their night out, when Party places a hand on Ghoul's shoulder in a tight grasp, the leader side to him slowly coming out. 

"Ghoul, we're leaving" he all but barks, causing the rest of them to look at him in surprise. Obviously i'm not the only one who thinks this is unusual for him. I know he's their leader, but he never really tends to use it to throw his weight around. But now it's a different story - he watches them down the rest of their drinks and then turns briefly to me, flashing a small smile that tells me he's trying to show that he's okay about what happened earlier. 

I follow behind them all as they climb the stairs, seeing Crash send me a surprised look, his eyebrow raised, as i do so. Normally i love the battery, but i'm eager to just go to sleep now. 

I keep my eyes downcast as i pass the spot where we kissed earlier on, not wanting Party to be able to see my expression or try to make any assumptions from it. I don't even know myself how i feel about the whole thing. 

All the same, once everyone has clambered into the car and we're sitting with our knees knocking together, he reaches over and gives my hand a light squeeze. Nobody else see's in the dark moonlight,  but i feel it oh so clearly. It's like a shot of adrenalin injected directly into my palm, shooting up my arm and making my brain panic. 

I don't speak in the car, and it's only when we get back that Party tries to talk to me. I'm getting out the trans am, the others all ahead of me, when he lingers behind, hands shoved into the pockets of his faded jeans. 

"Are you just going to continue to avoid me?" he asks quietly enough so that nobody else but the two of us can hear "Because you seems like your mad at me for letting you kiss me, which is really out of my control." 

"I'm not mad at you" i huff, pulling my jacket tighter around my body. Honestly, you just can't win with the desert. Boiling by day and freezing by night, you're bound to die from one or the other eventually when you're caught out at the wrong time. 

"But you are mad" He breaks down my words, something i've always found irritating about him. Why does he have to read into things? Every single guy i've ever met has never read into other people's expressions or word choices the way he does. Why can't he just be a normal guy instead of this almost poetic smartarse that stand in front of me, running a hand through his mop of flame red hair that seems almost illuminous in the dark. "And if you're not mad at me, then who are you mad at?" 

"I'm mad at myself." 

"At yourself?" He repeats my words "What? For kissing me? Because you were pretty vulnerable back there, it was probably natural instinct to attach yourself to the nearest person who cared. I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself for something like that." 

"No" I cut him off before he rambles even further "i'm not mad at myself because i kissed you. Hell, if you really must know then i'm mad at myself because i enjoyed it, okay? I fucking enjoyed it and that's not okay for me. It might be alright for you to go around kissing people and getting close to one another, but that's not part of the way i live and it never will be. I'm just setting myself up to get hurt with you, i can feel it. And what's worse it that despite this, i still want to kiss you again, and that really scares me right now." 

Now i'm the one rambling. I can feel my thoughts and feelings spilling out into the cold desert air. That's the thing when you keep so many feelings and turmoil inside of you - it's like a sink that will eventually overflow. You don't have control of where or when it overflows, it just comes spilling out like you've pulled the plug all of a sudden. 

I want to stop. I don't want Party to be able to see this weak, vulnerable side of me and then dissect it like he does my words. But i don't have control of it, i'm breaking down in front of him. He stands there in shock, trying to take in everything i'm saying as i finish. My words have turned from calm sentences to all out yelling in a matter of moments, and now i'm just standing here in the freezing cold air, my breath coming out in fogged pants. 

Before he can come up with something smart or deep in response i turn and try to walk inside, but am stopped my his hand wrapping around my wrist, pulling me back to face him again. 

"Sometimes you're scared of the best things in life" he murmurs, moving his face closer to mine, taking my other hand too as he speaks "You're only thinking about getting hurt Spark, but you have to think about the upside too."

"The upside is great until it all goes tragically wrong" i mutter back, eyes now locked on his lips, which as moving closer towards me. I feel entranced, like i should be stopping this and yet i feel physically unable to do so. 

"It only goes tragically wrong if you let it" is the last thing he says before his lips as on mine again for the second time that night. This time it's him kissing me, which may not sound that drastic but it really does make a massive difference. 

Our hands are still entwined as he kisses me roughly, trying to show me exactly what he meant by the upside. One of his hands breaks away from mine and moves to my waist, where he pulls my body against his. I feel the flooding feeling of warmth as his chest rests against mine, our body heat keeping us from shivering out in the cold night air. 

His tongue enters my mouth, and i let it, kissing him back with equal force and letting my now spare hand go to his tangle of hair, running my fingers through the knots before just messing them up all over again as the kiss gets more heated, him shoving me against the hood on the trans am and leaning down over me. 

My mind is screaming at me to stop, to push him away and get up off the hood of the car. To run away into the night and never speak to him again, but all i can manage in to turn my head to the side, disconnecting the kiss. 

He pulls back, both of us out of breath, and watches me stand up straight with a smirk of his face. 

"I'm going to bed" is all i can think to say. How do you respond to something like that though? I'm not even going to attempt to verbalise what i'm feeling, so instead i go for the typical escape route. "I guess i'll see you in the morning." 

"Okay" i obviously gets that this is his lot for tonight, and he's not going to push anything. "You need anything?" As he speaks he brushes a piece of my hair out of my face in a gentle gesture, contrasting greatly with the way he had been roughly running his hand through it beforehand. 

"No, i'll be fine" I turn away then, thankful that the moonlight hides my blush as i walk towards the base, my legs feeling like jelly from before and my mind wobbling much like it too as i think about the implications of what i've just done yet again. 

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