Before I slip off to bed for the night, I show my grandparents how to use video chat on their phones. Frankly, I'm a bit surprised that they even have cell phones. Now, they're definitely not the newest phones. But they'll get the job done. I use my granny's email (again, I can't believe she even has an email) to sign them up for WhatsApp. Then I show them exactly how to use it, taking notes so they'll be able to figure it out when I leave tomorrow. Now that we've established some sort of relationship, I'm determined to keep the line of communication open.

It takes me a while to get them set up with WhatsApp on each of their phones, and even longer for me to show them how to use it. But by the end of the night they feel somewhat comfortable using the app. And I feel like I can rest easy knowing they'll have a way to talk to me when I go home tomorrow.

As I curl up in bed, exhausted from all the emotions of the day, I think back to this journey I've made. When I first left home, I was genuinely terrified. Going to a new country by myself when I've hardly ever left my parents was so scary. But I did it. I made it. Five months in another country with total strangers. And I've learned so much about myself. So much about my family. But even though I've had a fantastic time in Britain, I have to admit that I am very excited about going home. I miss my mom and stepdad. I miss Beth. And I miss Baker.

Baker. The thought of him warms me up from the inside out. I can't wait to see him. I hold my duck against my chest, squeezing it tightly. One more night. Just one more night. I can do this. But as I try to fall asleep, I find that it feels kind of like Christmas did when I was a kid. I was always too excited to go to sleep, and I'd toss and turn all night, wondering what Santa would bring me. Tonight feels just like that. Only now I'm wondering what the next few days are going to hold. What seeing Baker will be like. And, not for the first time, I wonder if he feels the same way about me that I do about him.

It takes me hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I see the sun is beginning to rise. Only a few more hours now, I think to myself. Four hours. I think that's all the sleep I get before I hear a knock on my bedroom door. My granny, waking me up so we can share one last meal together before we visit my father in the graveyard, and I have to return to London. After breakfast, we get dressed, I pack my things, and I ask my grandparents if I can take the picture of my mother with me. They allow it, and I slide the picture carefully in the cookbook I bought for Baker before zipping up my suitcase for the last time.

My papa helps me load my things in the car, and the three of us make our way to the graveyard. It's a sunny day. Probably the brightest day I've had here yet. Summer is definitely right around the corner, and I know back home the cherry blossoms are probably in full bloom as the days get warmer. Pretty soon the lakes are going to be flooded with tourists as the streets of downtown Coeur d'Alene fill with street fairs and other fun seasonal events.

But it feels a bit strange for there to be so much sunshine when it's my last day here. When I'm walking up to the graveyard to visit my father, a small bouquet of flowers that my granny picked from my papa's garden that morning in my hand. It feels like it should be overcast. Maybe even a little rainy. But instead it's so warm that sweat is starting to form at the top of my head as the three of us trudge through the different graves, searching for the one we're looking for. I have no idea where I'm going, so I decide to let my grandparents take the lead. My granny is holding my arm as my papa uses his walking stick to keep balance as he takes us straight to the headstone we're here to see.

A few minutes later and we're all looking down at a simple stone that reads, "Jack Higginson" with the date of his birth followed by the date of his death. There's nothing else. No loving words etched into the stone. Just his name and the dates of his life. I frown when I see how sad the stone looks. Empty. Blank.

When I ask my grandparents about this, my granny sighs and says, "We... couldn't afford much, I'm afraid. Most of our savings went to trying to save him. We didn't have much to spend on his stone." She says it like it's something she really regrets, and I don't blame her. Seeing it this way makes me feel a bit sad too.

I set the flowers down on the stone before standing back up and looking down at it. This is weirder than I thought it would be. I've never gone to a graveyard before, so I don't know what you're supposed to do. "Should I say something?" I ask awkwardly as I turn and look at each of my grandparents in turn.

"Do you want to say something?" my granny asks.

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know."

She squeezes my arm. "Tell you what. Why don't we step away for a few minutes? Give you some private time with him?" I nod my head. I'm not sure if it's something I need, but I appreciate the gesture anyhow. After a quick peck on the cheek, my granny and papa walk away, leaving me standing alone at my father's grave.

Once they're gone, I stare at the name on his grave. There's a soft wind billowing the trees around me, and off in the distance I can see my grandparents talking amongst themselves. They're definitely far enough that they can't hear me. So I'm free to say anything I want to say without being judged. I swallow hard and look back down at the grave, feeling so awkward as I try to think of something to say.

"I never thought I'd be here," I mutter as I run my fingers through my hair. "I mean, not here as in the country here. My mom told me enough stories about it my whole life that I knew I'd make it here eventually. But I never thought I'd be here with them." I glance up at my grandparents, who are watching me from a distance, waiting for me to give them the okay to come back. My eyes fall back down on the stone. "I never thought I'd be here with you."

My papa gives me thumbs up, and I hold up a finger, signaling for just a little more time. He nods his head and continues chatting with my granny. I close my eyes and breathe. "I hated you for most of my life, you know. I know that's harsh to say, but it's the truth. I mean, what kind of father just leaves his daughter like you did? And to get high? Who does that?"

A bird starts whistling in the tree, stealing my attention for a second. It's a beautiful blue bird. I don't know what kind of bird exactly. It probably has a very specific name. I stare at it for a few seconds, watching it hop from branch to branch until it lands on a small nest. In the next are four baby birds, their small beaks poking up like their mother is about to feed them. And for all I know, she is.

"But I don't hate you anymore," I say, my voice shaking just a bit. "To be honest, I'm not sure I ever really did. I was just so angry. Well, angry and hurt. You made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn't good enough. So I spent my entire life trying to be good enough. I don't know if it was for you. I just felt like I had something to prove. But I didn't like talking about you. I didn't even like thinking about you.

"And then you died," I continue, my eyes stinging with suppressed tears. "And it was like... like this thing I'd been waiting for... secretly dreading... finally happened. My mom made me take a week off of school so I could process it, but the truth was, I processed your death years before you actually died. What I wasn't able to process was all this." I wave my hand over my face as my lip quivers. "This stupid emotion. I can't say it was sadness or even anger. I mean, it kind of was. But it was more than that. It was... like I had failed somehow. I don't fail at anything. But it was like I'd failed you.

"But now I think I get it," I say, wiping my eyes with the palm of my hand. "I wasn't the one who'd failed. It was you. And I'm sorry if that's heartless. I don't mean it to be. But after talking to granny and papa, I think I understand. When you left, it really had nothing to do with me. It had to do with you. You didn't want me to see you that way. As someone who failed at getting sober. Not just once, but over and over and over. And the more you failed, the harder I tried to succeed."

I stop for a second, thinking of everything that came from my dad's failures. And for the first time since I got here, I manage to muster up a small smile. "But you should know that you didn't fail. Even if you think you did, you didn't. You actually succeeded in the most important thing you were trying to accomplish: You kept me safe. By keeping your distance, you kept me away from the pain of having to watch you waste away. And you allowed space for someone else to step in and show me what a father is supposed to be.

"I was almost raped last year. It was the worst night of my life, and I still have nightmares all the time. I still see him sometimes when I close my eyes. But when it was over, the first person who I allowed to touch me was him. My dad. The one who stepped up when you couldn't. He held me and let me cry, and he didn't ask questions unless I was willing to answer them first. He's a good man. I think... I hope you'd like him.

"And my mom. She's doing great, you know. I mean, I think losing you like that still hurts her sometimes. She really did love you. But I'm still here. And she takes such good care of me." A rogue tear falls on his grave, and I flush, slightly embarrassed by it even though no one is around to see. "So I guess what I really want to say is thank you. For making the choice you made. I think it'll always hurt. But I understand now. I get it. You did what you did because you loved me, in your own way. Just like they did what they did," my eyes flicker up to my grandparents, who are watching me again, "because they loved you.

"Love is weird like that. You make choices you think are the best ones for those you love, even if they don't think so at the time. But like I said, I get it now. And I guess the only thing I can say now is...." I suck in a breath. "I love you too."

With those final words, I look up at my grandparents and give them a thumbs up, letting them know that they can come back now. They nod their heads and walk back over to me, each of them giving me a hug in turn before they look down at their son's grave. "You doing okay, love?" my granny asks, and I nod my head. "Excellent. Well, we should probably go. We have an hour drive ahead of us if we're going to get you to London on time."

"You don't have to drive me to London," I say, my throat a little croaky from suppressed tears. "Really. I can take the train."

"Nonsense," my papa replies with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Your granny and I will drive you to the airport, and we won't hear another word about it." I give him a doubtful look, but he just smiles. "We want to cherish every moment we can with you. While we can."

I give them a watery smile in return. "Okay. Yeah. We should probably get going then."

My papa nods his head and looks down at the stone. "Bye, son." My granny wipes at her eyes before blowing the stone a kiss. The two of them start walking out of the graveyard, but I hesitate for a second, looking down at the gravestone one last time, knowing I probably won't ever come back.

"See you... dad," I whisper, and I run ahead to catch up with my grandparents. It's been an incredible few months here. First with the Carmichaels, and then finally meeting my grandparents after all this time. Learning more about my father. Having the private moment with him that I've secretly always wanted. And now, I think, as I get into the car for the last time, I think I'm finally ready to go home.

 Author's Note:
And so ends the UK chapters. I have to admit, there were a lot more of them than I initially expected there to be. I hope you all liked them, and I hope you're all ready for our girl to go home! After all, she definitely has some business to take care of! I'll see you in the next chapter! Stay safe and healthy until then, my dears!
XOXO,
~Aly