hi guys um i don't know why i'm even going to post this i probably shouldn't and i honestly might just delete it if i change my mind.

i'll just put a TW here because i'm going to talk about self harm and just like stuff linked to that so skip it if it upsets you because i kinda go into detail a bit.

umm so you don't in any way have to read this honestly maybe you should skip it like i don't know why i'm posting this on here.

well i guess maybe just over a month ago i started cutting. but like not really. i never went far enough to draw blood just leave scratches for a few days. i know that's pathetic i tell myself that too. so stupid i say i'm cutting myself but don't have the balls to do it right like stop fucking complaining.

i realized how dumb of a decision i was making but one day a few weeks ago i spiralled and scratched all up my arm, a bit deeper but still not drawing blood.

then last night i don't know what happened but i got so overwhelmed i did it. i finally drew blood and then i did it twice again today.

the scariest part about it is that it doesn't hurt when i do it, but it stings like hell now and i know that's my problem and honestly it's tolerable like i don't care about the pain it kinda feels nice to feel something other than sadness and anger and numbness.

i'm just afraid that someone will see. i've been wearing long sleeves and sweaters but i'm terrified of  what i'd say if someone saw it. i can't use the cat or dog excuse because i don't have a pet and don't visit anyone who does, and i don't know what to do.

i don't know why i do it. this is gonna sound crazy but when i finally saw the blood i felt like proud? of myself that i finally did something right even if that thing was a terrible thing to do.

i dont know anymore guys. now that i'm typing it all out i sound so pathetic. some days i swear i'm just faking all this shit for attention. my life isn't bad, i have so much to be grateful for and i am but i'm just so tired.

i bust my ass everyday to keep my 90%+ average and then deal with being called lazy and useless by my own mom who's all i have left since my dad took off. all my friends have boyfriends so they don't talk to me anymore and it's like everyone forgot i exist. i don't want to feel like this anymore. it's like i know there's something wrong, but i am so privileged i don't deserve to feel bad. there are people dying, starving, homeless and here i am complaining about nothing.

god so fucking stupid i shouldn't post this but i'm going to because maybe i'm faking it and just want attention i don't fucking know anymore. all i know is i can't let anyone find out about this and i'm sure there's a few people on here who'd be able to help me figure out how to keep them hidden.

i'm gonna do my best to stop but like i don't know if i even want to stop like what's the point. also pls don't freak out if you're even still here i don't plan on doing anything more like i could never do that to my friends and family because as much as they make me want to die sometimes i don't want to hurt them or make them feel like i do.

i just wish that people would understand what teenagers now days are going through. i make one mistake and suddenly my mom is screaming telling me not to come crying to her when i get no where in life because i made a mistake on one assignment. does no one realize how much of a fucking beating life is? we've been quarantined for a year. we've been terrified of going outside for a year and yet teenagers are still expected to complete assignment after assignment like nothing is wrong just to get into some stupid university where i'll have to do the same shit over again.

like i can't do this anymore what's even the fucking point. i know people say everything happens for a reason or the strongest people get the toughest battles but like i'm not fucking strong. i'm tired and weak and just want to give up. but i won't because after all this shit there has to be something good. anything. i just want something good to happen for once and the bad things to just calm down. i'm not asking for them all to go away but just give me a break, a chance to catch my breath before the world fucking beats me to the ground again.

i'm sorry this is so stupid and i kinda hope no one read this far but if you did let me know if you've got any tips? they'd be really appreciated because i dont know what to do anymore and i feel so worthless and everything feels pointless.

okay yeah i'm done sorry. probably just gonna delete this in the morning when i realize how fucking pathetic i sound.