hi. sorry i haven't updated in like forever.

life is just really hard you know? like i have a great life. i have food, a roof over my head, and education and anything else you could need.

and i hate the fact that i complain and get upset about my life because there's so many people out there who have it way worse than i do.

but like... i just hate it so much... the guilt i feel about getting upset about something.

like why do i do that? hell, when my dad walked out i hated myself for being sad about it because there are plenty of people who don't even have any parents, so i should be thankful that i do.

i am thankful for my life. i couldn't wish for anything more, but i just hate it so much sometimes.

there's so much pressure to be that perfect daughter. get the good grades, always be happy and everything else.

i'm just faking it now, and even if i wanted to stop i don't think i could.

and it's so much worse the fact that my family thinks mental illnesses aren't real or can just be ignored.

like my therapist suggests i get a dog because it will really help with my anxiety and so i don't develop depression.

and i recently opened up to my mom about my anxiety and she was just like well everyone has that. and then she goes on to say how it must be all her fault and she must be a horrible mom and all that crap.

and she just makes me feel so guilty about trying to cope with my problems... like i have a lot of panic attacks and so when i told her about the dog thing she texts me back saying oh my god i just had a panic attack because of that.

and she's just making fun of my anxiety and stuff and i really can't stand it...

and it's not like my anxiety is getting any better. every single day i feel like all my friends hate me, or that everyone is making fun of me, or that i'm a complete screw up and a waste of space, or that i'm stupid and selfish for thinking that i have problems....

i just don't know what to do anymore. nothing helps. therapy has done nothing for me and i just can't stand this.

sorry for bothering you guys with this.

bye