Ryan walked into my house for the second time. I still had a hard time believing he was here after dreaming about him for so long. The funny thing was that it all felt so natural to me. It was different, yet familiar. The newness of it was making me nervous - or maybe the thought of what I was about to tell him.

"Want a snack?" I asked, trying to stall.

"Uh, sure. Whatcha got?" He followed me into the kitchen.

I eyed the dirty dishes in the sink, suddenly very conscious of how I left the kitchen after cooking the night before. I was pretty sure his mom kept their kitchen clean - or, possibly, the maid or staff or whatever. "Chips - and dip, if you're into that - marshmallows, crackers, and grapes."

"Chips and dip." I grabbed a bag of chips and the jar of dip in the fridge and led him to the table. After a few minutes of crunching, he leaned back. "So, you were going to tell me why you won't let me kiss you?"

I swallowed a mouthful of chips and nearly choked. "Right."

He watched me nervously fiddle with a chip. "I take it that it's more than just how you were raised?"

"A bit more," I said with a wry laugh. I ran a hand through my hair as I took a deep breath. Telling anyone this story was scary, even now. Now that I'd gotten older and more mature. Especially someone who was friendly with the guy.

---

It was my junior year. School had only been back in session for a month, but I was already ahead of my classmates. Since our school used a weighted GPA for AP courses, I had a perfect 5.0. All of my classes were AP. I was the top candidate for valedictorian the following year. The next GPA in school was 4.6. I was way ahead and my parents were proud of me. My teachers loved me. The principal was proud of me. Why? Because that 4.6 was a senior.

The other kids, however, weren't as fond of me. I was brainy, yet I was lean and had good hair and clear skin and I was pretty. The only thing that I didn't have was money. Everyone had a lot of money. Well, except for Courtney. Junior year was when Miranda told me about the Goodwill shopping trip. They told me other tidbits about the popular kids, but I didn't really care. After all, we didn't run in the same circles and I had no intention of ever provoking them. We left each other alone and I was fine with that.

That was, until I was asked to tutor one of them. The principal asked me to tutor one of the jocks who had let his GPA slip below 3.0. Jared. It wasn't the first time I'd heard if him. He'd managed to outshine the senior QB and become one of the few juniors to play that position as a regular on the varsity team. He was well-known and, as far as I knew, well liked. He was the crush of nearly every girl in school. Really, it should have been an honor to tutor this guy. It would have been a dream come true for a lot of girls in my class.

I, however, was leery of being alone with him for any length of time. Some of those tidbits Miranda had told me was about him, and I trusted her. She'd never done anything to lead me wrong or harm me. In fact, she'd told me things that helped me out more than once.

When I started, I met Jared at the library. We sat in the back at his request. Our table was mostly hidden. I sat across from him. At least, I did for the first week. He seemed disappointed that I'd seemingly heard the rumors about him. He assured me they weren't true, that an ex started it. He claimed she was mad at him and didn't want to see him with anyone else. That week, I kept an eye on him. He was so nice and acted like a gentleman. It was hard showing him things from across a table, anyway.

The second week, I pulled out the chair next to mine for him to sit in it. He smiled at me. "You finally realized I'm not going to bite?" he asked with a chuckle.

I was getting used to his humor, so I smiled and rolled my eyes. "It's just easier to do my job like this," I said, pulling the book from his hands. "Let's get started on your English." I opened it and began tutoring. It was easier. I was glad at the time I'd moved. By the end of the hour, he was brushing his shoulder on mine. I didn't really want to touch him even this much, but I didn't say anything. After all, it was just our shoulders. There was nothing to fuss about.

The next session, he leaned a little closer, and by our session on Monday he had an arm around the back of my chair. I could almost feel his breath on my cheek. At one point, he answered me by saying his words, low and breathy, right in my ear. I shivered and he laughed. "What, have you never had someone breathe in your ear before?" he asked.

If I'd known what questions would follow, I wouldn't have answered. But I didn't. I answered, "It just tickles is all."

"Right," he said. His tone made it seem like he didn't believe me. I wanted to defend myself to him, but I refrained.

He was way too close for comfort. The next session passed the same way, but he at least kept all of his questions and remarks strictly about his lessons. Even though he was making me uncomfortable, I felt like I couldn't do anything about it. Everyone expected me to do this. If he didn't bring his grades up he wouldn't be able to play in games. It felt like so much was riding on these sessions and I couldn't let anyone down. I had to meet their expectations. I just had to put up with this.

Our third session for the week found him feeling a little freer with his words. When we were about halfway through, he lazily asked me, "Have you had sex?"

I froze. My heart sped up and I vaguely remember hoping he wouldn't feel it. It was mortifying to have a virtual stranger ask me something so personal. Suddenly his arm on the back of my chair felt far too invasive. "W-what?"

He smirked. I stared hard at the textbook in front of me. "I asked if you had sex before. I mean, you've never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anything."

I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "No."

"What? You're so pretty! Why not?"

I shrugged. "I've never had a boyfriend. But even if I did I wouldn't have sex with him. I don't think it's right."

His eyebrows shot up. "What if you're married? You can't deny a man, especially looking like that."

I shook my head. "When I'm married, it's fine. That's different."

"What if you never get married? You'd be missing out."

"I honestly don't care that much." The student librarian came by and asked us to keep it down. It broke the moment, and I couldn't have been more relieved. We went back to studying after that. Honestly, I was relieved, but I was also oddly disappointed I couldn't argue my point further.

The topic wasn't brought up for a whole week. I still wanted to argue my point, but I was not going to be the one to bring it up. We just studied and I pulled away a little bit every time he tried to speak into my ear.

The following Monday he laughed at me when I noticeably pulled away. He leaned in even closer and said in my ear with a husky voice, "I thought you liked my arm there." I shivered - in a bad way - and sighed. I did my best to get back on the subject, but he had other ideas. His hand rested on my thigh, stopping me mid-sentence. "I dreamed about you last night," he said in the same husky voice. "We had this whole library to ourselves. Wanna know what happened?" Before I could say 'no', he leaned in so close his mouth was nearly touching my ear and began telling me things I never wanted to ever repeat in my life. Things I never wanted to think about, least of all with him.

I had never been truly scared of anyone before. I'd faced bullies that were bigger than me. Ones that were stronger than me. Even one bully that was a black belt in karate. None of them scared me. I could stand up for myself because they wanted my lunch money or they wanted a tangible thing I could hand over and walk away from. That was easy. But, that day, hearing all of these things Jared was whispering in my ear, I finally felt true fear. He was bigger than me. He was a lot stronger than me. Things I wasn't afraid of. But I was afraid that what he wanted from me wasn't something tangible I could hand over and walk away from. I was afraid he wanted something else and wouldn't be afraid of taking by force.

Still, I didn't tell anyone. There were a lot of people depending on me, and expecting things of me. I didn't want to disappoint them. Besides, we were in the library. There wasn't much he'd be able to do there. But as you can probably imagine, things didn't end there. They didn't level off, either, because I was ignoring them.

Because we never arrived early and we always left late, we usually both parked a little ways from school. Riley normally would wait for me by my car for me to give her a ride home. But the session after that one, she wasn't there. Heart racing, I fumbled to stick my key in the lock. I was really wishing I had keyless locks on the car, but my parents couldn't afford one that new.

"Need a ride?" Jared asked with a smirk.

"No. No, I'm good." I finally got the key in and unlocked my door.

"You know," he said, his tone making me freeze. "One day your car may not start. What about then? I'd be happy to help you out."

I hurried to get in my car as he laughed at my reaction. His words sounded like a threat. I wasn't sure if it was his tone or what Miranda had told me about him that made it sound that way, but they did. I wasn't sure what to say to him, so I started my car and took a deep breath.

For the following week, he'd follow me to my car and lean on his truck until I got mine started. I began dreading school because of him. I didn't want to go there, I didn't want to study, I didn't want to go to tutoring. My GPA slipped from 5.0 to 4.6. I wasn't concentrating in class. My head was full of Jared, imaging worst case scenarios and reliving every moment of what happened so far. He arm behind me, his words in my ear and his breaths on my neck. There wasn't room to concentrate on anything else.

Our third session that week, Riley didn't wait for me again. I walked to my car, him behind me, praying my car would start. I was so scared I didn't realize he wasn't going to his car. I didn't notice until he planted his hands on my car door. I spun and found his face next to mine. His eyes were on fire and I was scared. "I've been wondering," he said quietly. His breath was fanning across my face. "What would you do if I tried to do something to you?"

Everything I'd been afraid of were in his eyes and his words and his tone. It all sent familiar chills down my spine and made my heart race in fear. Still, I fought to keep that out of my face and just give him a brave front. "What would you do to me, Jared?"

He studied my eyes for a moment. "What are you thinking about me doing?" I swallowed and his eyes lit up the moment I accidentally let the veneer slip. "That right there. What would you do if I did that to you?"

I frowned. "What would you do to me, Jared?" I asked again, more forcefully.

He smirked, glancing up. He dropped his arms and backed away. With a wink, he walked away. I felt immense relief. "What happened?" Riley asked, making me jump.

I looked at her, my mouth opening and closing without a sound. After a moment, I shook my head and got in. The moment her door closed, I locked the doors and took a couple of deep breaths before pulling away. "Nothing," I told her. "Nothing happened." I couldn't tell her. She still doesn't know what happened.

After that, I became afraid of school. It was the weekend, so I had two whole days to dread Monday. To dread going to school. I spent the time pacing in my room, unable to do anything else. What would happen if I told anyone? They probably wouldn't believe me. I was scared they would blame me. I didn't need that. I blamed myself enough already. All of the 'if only's in my head were about to drown me. I had so many chances to get myself out of that situation. But I stayed. What did that say about me? What would people think if they found out?

On Monday, I somehow found the courage to go to the principal and tell him I wanted to stop my tutoring sessions. When he asked why, I told him a half-truth. I said my grades were slipping and I was worried about them. He was impressed and agreed they had slipped. To help me out, he told me that he was going to have someone else tutor him.

I was relieved beyond words, but I was still afraid. I relieved everything for months. I lived in fear I would somehow end up alone with him somewhere. I was terrified of him actually trying to do something to me. The relief was the only thing that helped me deal with the girls in the school being mad at me for caring more about my grades than Jared. They didn't know, and I wanted to keep it that way. I could handle their words far better than the memories that kept me up at night.